Posted August 4, 2009 I have some jokes which I told in IRC. I think Raining_Again loved them. What do you call a fish with three eyes? Fiiish! And, finally: What do you do when you see a space man? Park it in man! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 5, 2009 The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 10p. I thought "What a fucking cheap skate" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 5, 2009 A man walks into a paint shop and asks the shopkeeper, "Have you got any red paint?" The shopkeeper answers, "Sorry we've only got blue paint." To which the man replies, "That's ok I've got my bike outside. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 9, 2009 A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 9, 2009 Shamelessly stolen but in the same vain as Letty's... 2 black guys go to a bar, walk up to the bartender, pay their tab and could not have been more curtious. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 9, 2009 This guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fool! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!' Get it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 9, 2009 A guy is out playing golf with a priest. On hole 6, the guy misses a shot and shouts: "Damn, I missed!" The priest looks at him and says: "Now, son, don't use that kind of language, or the Lord will smite you." Later on, on hole 12, the guy misses again and shouts: "Damn, I missed!" The priest once again warns him that using that kind of language will call down the Lord's anger upon him. Having avoided cursing for the rest of the game, the guy misses a shot on hole 18 and once again cries out: "Damn, I missed!" At that exact moment, the priest is hit by a lighting bolt, and a thunderous voice from above says: "Damn, I missed!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 9, 2009 knock knock who's there a rapist get off my property before i call the police ok Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 9, 2009 knock knock who's there a rapist get off my property before i call the police ok My favourite joke in the thread. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? None. The man never gets the house. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?The Ultrasound guy! Who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the Ultrasound guy isn't there? The hip-replacement guy! It took me the best part of six hours to get that... but it IS my favourite joke in this thread. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 It took me the best part of six hours to get that... but it IS my favourite joke in this thread. It took me the best part of six seconds to get it... with that said though... I get that in the same way as this one: "2 nuns are in the bath, one says "pass the soap". The second nun says "yes it does, doesn't it??" I still don't get this even to this day Does anyone actually get that joke? or is it just one of those jokes that just doesn't make sense... Edeeet! never mind I found the answer... http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080716203439AAKIKen 'The joke is, one nun says "Where's the soap?" and the other nun says, "Yes it does, doesn't it?" The second nun thought she heard: "Wears the soap" as in something she was doing to the soap caused it to wear down...' So there we have it... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 'The joke is, one nun says "Where's the soap?" and the other nun says, "Yes it does, doesn't it?" The second nun thought she heard: "Wears the soap" as in something she was doing to the soap caused it to wear down...' So there we have it... Dear GOD, what a bad joke! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 It took me the best part of six seconds to get it... with that said though... Does anyone actually get that joke? or is it just one of those jokes that just doesn't make sense... Edeeet! never mind I found the answer... http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080716203439AAKIKen 'The joke is, one nun says "Where's the soap?" and the other nun says, "Yes it does, doesn't it?" The second nun thought she heard: "Wears the soap" as in something she was doing to the soap caused it to wear down...' So there we have it... I don't think that's true. I think it's one of the jokes that's just told to confuse people. Like mine. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 Here's a joke: ReZourceman :p Only joking. Love you really ReZ Erm... don't know many decent jokes but this is all I've got: Blonde woman gets on a plane heading to the Bahamas and takes a seat in first class. The stewardess comes along and tells her that her seat is situated in standard class and that she has to move. But the Blonde doesn't budge and says 'I'm intelligent, I'm beautiful, I'm smart and I'm not moving.' So the stewardess goes off and returns with the head steward who asks her, again, to move back to standard class. The Blonde refrains from moving and repeats, 'I'm intelligent, I'm beautiful, I'm smart and I'm not moving.' Unsure of what to do, they get the captain. The captain approaches the Blonde and whispers something in her ear. Once finished, the Blonde promptly gets up and takes her seat in standard class. The stewards are dumb-founded and ask the captain who he persuaded her to move. He said, 'I just told her only the back of the plane was going to the Bahamas'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080716203439AAKIKen 'The joke is, one nun says "Where's the soap?" and the other nun says, "Yes it does, doesn't it?" The second nun thought she heard: "Wears the soap" as in something she was doing to the soap caused it to wear down...' So there we have it... That's the way I always heard the joke. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it? Being raped. Paddy and Murphy decide that they want to go fishing. So they go ask the local fisherman for advice. The fisherman says "forget all the rods and junk, you dangle you over a bridge and then yell when you grab a fish and he'll pull you up". So Paddy dangles Murphy over a bridge. They're there for a while when Murphy yells "Quick Paddy, pull me up" "You got a fish Murphy?" "No, a train's coming" You hear about the wooden car? Wooden start. A cowboy walks into a bar. He buys a drink and chillaxes in the bar for a while before leaving. When he gets outside, he notices someone has stolen his horse. He goes back inside and yells "Right! If my horse isn't back where I left it in an hour, I'll have to do what I did back in Mexico. And I really don't want to have to do what I did back in Mexico again, trust me!". So he orders another drink and waits an hour. When he goes back outside, his horse is back where he left it. As he's riding off, the barman runs out and says "Wait, I need to know, what did you do in Mexico?" "Well, I had to walk home, fucking hated it" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 Why can't penguins fly? Because they don't have enough money for plane tickets. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 A cowboy and Indian are riding their horses together. The Indian stops, gets off his horse and lies down to put his head on the desert floor. "Buffalo come", the Indian exclaims "How do you know that?", the cowboy asks "Ear stuck to ground" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG! clip clop clip clop? An Amish drive-by shooting! -------------------- Police station toilet stolen ... Cops have nothing to go on. -------------------- Why does Snoop Dog carry an umberella? Fo' Drizzle -------------------- I got aroused watching Carol Vorderman on the telly last night! Still 7 letters isn't bad! -------------------- why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 'cause he was dead... why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 'cause he was dead too... why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree? peer pressure... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 Why does Snoop Dog carry an umberella? Fo' Drizzle The only joke to make me laugh in this thread, it is awarded the pr0 joke of the topic. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2009 The only joke to make me laugh in this thread, it is awarded the pr0 joke of the topic. Thats not even one of the top for me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 11, 2009 The only joke to make me laugh in this thread, it is awarded the pr0 joke of the topic. You didn't like mijn jokes? What is brown and smelly, and also sounds like a bell? Duuuuuunnnnnnnnnnngg! Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. I got told that many years ago. I shook my head, but tried really hard not to laugh. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 11, 2009 Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. I got told that many years ago. I shook my head, but tried really hard not to laugh. That's the first one to get a chuckle from me. A chuckle from me = LOL! though. Since I rarely laugh explicitly out loud at jokes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
