Kids, Marriage, Maternity Leave, Conforminggg

[Ashley]

Whenever I go home, such as this weekend, I get the "are you seeing anyone?' question. No, people are awful. Then there's the patronising "you'll find someone, as if that is what I should want.

[bob]

Yeah...that's a dick move. What exactly happened there?

 

Someone told my girlfriend that they reckoned I was going to propose in Paris (maybe it was too obvious, but apparently she had not twigged).

 

After that, all she could think about was what if i was going to. Hence it basically ruined the holiday, because she was either going to be expecting it, or be really disappointed if i didn't.

 

So she got really upset (whilst drunk) and i ended up having to admit that i was going to.

 

Then she felt terrible for ruining the surprise, and we agreed to pretend that she didn't know.

 

Essentially though it's all ruined, all because someone thought they would come across as some sort of wizard by predicting the future.

 

 

 

This is relevant to this thread i think because of the pressures that are involved with being in a relationship for so long. We've been together for 7.5 years and all people talk about is when are you going to get married.

 

Maybe we don't want to yet? Maybe we can't afford it?

 

It doesn't help that everyone we know is getting engaged.

 

All i wanted was for it to be a surprise, and now that's ruined. I'm in a terrible mood now.

[Ashley]

Well perhaps try and arrange another surprise? Even if it's just a fancy meal or something, it may help put a positive note on the proposal.

 

Or you can both plot an evil revenge plan on whoever told... This is Gossip Girl right?

[Jonnas]

A surprise second proposal? That sounds crazy enough to work.

[Murr]

 

This is relevant to this thread i think because of the pressures that are involved with being in a relationship for so long. We've been together for 7.5 years and all people talk about is when are you going to get married.

 

Maybe we don't want to yet? Maybe we can't afford it?

 

It doesn't help that everyone we know is getting engaged.

 

All i wanted was for it to be a surprise, and now that's ruined. I'm in a terrible mood now.

 

Funny, pretty similar in that now I am engaged and its a known fact i be getting married, family and friends are now questioning "when are you planning on having your first child ?" Etc etc...

 

I know as I've mentioned when I plan on having children, but its quite boring now hearing it asked every time I see a relative.

 

I assume once I do have my first child the follow on question will be, when are we having another one?

[nightwolf]

@Murr there will always be something, something that people expect of you. Such a shame, why can't you take things at your own pace, right?

 

I usually get friends trying to set-up with people. Recently, after quite a few years (about 3) I started taking a serious interest in someone (as in, not one night/non committal), unfortunately, apart from the guy making out he was different to who he was to impress, a lot of people at work got involved.

 

The problem with this was that people were nosing in, asking when we'd be getting together and more intimate details than that. I don't understand why people think its ok - butt out! My relationships and my life are my own ¬_¬

[Magnus]

The solution is obvious, Bob: don't propose.

 

I promise you she'll be surprised.

[Fierce_LiNk]

Someone told my girlfriend that they reckoned I was going to propose in Paris (maybe it was too obvious, but apparently she had not twigged).

 

After that, all she could think about was what if i was going to. Hence it basically ruined the holiday, because she was either going to be expecting it, or be really disappointed if i didn't.

 

So she got really upset (whilst drunk) and i ended up having to admit that i was going to.

 

Then she felt terrible for ruining the surprise, and we agreed to pretend that she didn't know.

 

Essentially though it's all ruined, all because someone thought they would come across as some sort of wizard by predicting the future.

 

 

 

This is relevant to this thread i think because of the pressures that are involved with being in a relationship for so long. We've been together for 7.5 years and all people talk about is when are you going to get married.

 

Maybe we don't want to yet? Maybe we can't afford it?

 

It doesn't help that everyone we know is getting engaged.

 

All i wanted was for it to be a surprise, and now that's ruined. I'm in a terrible mood now.

 

Fuuuuuck. I feel for you, dude. *bro hugs*

 

Unfortunately, friends will mention this sort of thing, particularly if you've been together for a long time. I'm not sure there's a lot you can do in that situation except propose (if you still want to) to get it out of the way and to move on from it.

 

Still, that sucks.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

Someone told my girlfriend that they reckoned I was going to propose in Paris (maybe it was too obvious, but apparently she had not twigged).

 

After that, all she could think about was what if i was going to. Hence it basically ruined the holiday, because she was either going to be expecting it, or be really disappointed if i didn't.

 

So she got really upset (whilst drunk) and i ended up having to admit that i was going to.

 

Then she felt terrible for ruining the surprise, and we agreed to pretend that she didn't know.

 

Essentially though it's all ruined, all because someone thought they would come across as some sort of wizard by predicting the future.

 

 

 

This is relevant to this thread i think because of the pressures that are involved with being in a relationship for so long. We've been together for 7.5 years and all people talk about is when are you going to get married.

 

Maybe we don't want to yet? Maybe we can't afford it?

 

It doesn't help that everyone we know is getting engaged.

 

All i wanted was for it to be a surprise, and now that's ruined. I'm in a terrible mood now.

 

Thanked for sympathy. That's rotten, dude.

[MoogleViper]

Someone told my girlfriend that they reckoned I was going to propose in Paris (maybe it was too obvious, but apparently she had not twigged).

 

After that, all she could think about was what if i was going to. Hence it basically ruined the holiday, because she was either going to be expecting it, or be really disappointed if i didn't.

 

So she got really upset (whilst drunk) and i ended up having to admit that i was going to.

 

Then she felt terrible for ruining the surprise, and we agreed to pretend that she didn't know.

 

Essentially though it's all ruined, all because someone thought they would come across as some sort of wizard by predicting the future.

 

 

 

This is relevant to this thread i think because of the pressures that are involved with being in a relationship for so long. We've been together for 7.5 years and all people talk about is when are you going to get married.

 

Maybe we don't want to yet? Maybe we can't afford it?

 

It doesn't help that everyone we know is getting engaged.

 

All i wanted was for it to be a surprise, and now that's ruined. I'm in a terrible mood now.

 

Can you not propose before Paris? It'll be a surprise.

 

 

Also get revenge on wizard wannabe.

 

Whilst I do agree with what you're saying, you also can't deny that some do just finish school and have kids purely because they don't have something else to do. Some, not all.

 

Agreed, but equally there are people that say they don't want marriage/kids, and later change their mind. Whatever side you're viewing, it's important not to tar everyone with the same brush.

 

Anyway, I feel like we're both arguing the same thing from different sides.

[Rummy]

I'm tired, so this post makes no sense to me. :p Don't get it, dude.

 

I never actually did get back round to posting properly. I was essentially in a rush when I made that post, so didn't elaborate. I was saying that sometimes, accidents happen :P.

 

I think a lot of people end up with plans of this, that, the other, then bam! a kid comes along and things change - then they suddenly realise that omg its the best thing in the world to ever happen to them and so will be for anyone else too omgomgomgomg HAVE KIDS GUYS!!

 

I think it's just one of those things you don't 'get' until you're on the other side, but it doesn't excuse people saying you have to do this that and the other by time you're whatever. I've personally always said I wouldn't get married before I was 30, and I guess with that wouldn't have kids til after either. It's strange though, as I'm getting older I do realise that 'time's running out'.

 

For example, my cousin, she's...29 this week? She's just formally got married(they actually 'married' a year ago) and a baby was nearly on the way(she unfortunately had a miscarriage early on). I don't think she'd been with her other half for more than a year or two before they got married originally. It all seemed a bit quick to me really, and she simply said it's because she's getting older and time's getting on sort of thing. When I was actually talking to her though, it seemed to make perfect sense for her, if that makes sense. I wouldn't totally discount people saying you might change your mind with time - anything could happen and I've already seen it a little with myself.

 

I know it's just family being family, but the one question I got asked the most whilst I was in NY for the wedding was when am *I* getting married! I take it in my stride, and appreciate a bigger cultural difference around it, but it seemed silly considering I'm the youngest of my sister and brother - AND my brother was there!

 

As I said, the other flip is, you can be a couple with no plans etc - but sometimes it might just happen, despite your best intentions!

 

I think the idea of having kids 'for when you're old' is a selfish and stupid reason; but tbh having kids is always selfish - your kid gets no say in it. This is why as much as you should respect your parents, I don't feel it's a trump to act all selfless about how you raised your children gave them all they got etc - they're YOUR children, it's YOUR responsibility to do so, just as your parents did etcetc.

 

As for me personally, well, I've already mentioned I'd always had no plans to be married before 30, right now it might end up being even longer than that :p I'd love to have kids one day maybe, I think kids are fucking brilliant; but it's one of the biggest responsibilites I feel anyone could have(and not just for the first 18 years of their life etc) so I wouldn't want to take it lightly. Maybe just be a cool uncle for other people's kids instead :awesome: The next problem though is the whole responsibility though - my dad was like 38 when I was born and luckily still with us and always been in generally good health - but I think I had one of the oldest dads out of most of the people I knew! That has impacts in some ways. Also now I have to see him getting noticeably older a bit earlier than I otherwise would have maybe. He's a whole other issue though.

 

Really, right now, my plan is to get a house. Then I'll figure out the wife and kids etc.

[Daft]

I'm never going to have kids but I absolutely love my nephew to bits. I get to do all the fun stuff without worrying about actually looking after him. Kids take up so much time and you become super boring when you have them because your life starts to revolve around them - which I understand and is completely fair enough. Also, it's not like the world need more people.

 

My nephew can't talk yet. I appreciate this.

[Ashley]

 

My nephew can't talk yet. I appreciate this.

 

I assume you're conditioning him so that his first word is "Batman", right?

[Daft]

I got him a Batman onesie for his first birthday. I think I've done enough.

[Mr-Paul]

I got him a Batman onesie for his first birthday. I think I've done enough.

 

Did it have socks on it?

 

 

If not, bad uncle.

[Daft]

Hmm...maybe it wasn't a onesie...it had foot holes. It also came with a cape so there's literally no chance it isn't the best thing ever, FYI.

[Ashley]

It also came with a cape so there's literally no chance it isn't the best thing ever, FYI.

 

[Magnus]

Weren't you listening, Ashley? The great thing about him not being Daft's son is that he doesn't have to worry about his safety. :p

[Daft]

It's a button on cape. The best uncle in the world thinks of everything.

[tapedeck]

Lttp but agree with the jist of Flink's viewpoint.

 

I turned 30 this year and although in a relationship, we both have NO plans for kids and everyone thinks we should...because I'm 30! Funny.

Most of my mates have kids and are settled down and they love it and it's like their whole life.

Their social streams are constant pictures of their kids doing what I would call 'normal' stuff but it's like they are super special and unique and now every decision/conversation revolves around their kids. That's kinda expected but I think once you've had kids they do become your world so you can lose a little of who you are as you focus on them so much.

 

I'm a firm believer that I want to experience my career, myself and the world on my terms as much as possible before committing to something so huge.

 

And yeah, we have major population concerns and I feel as if bringing a kid in to the world should be a major talking point, not just an expectation. I also work with kids everyday so the box is 'ticked' in some ways.

Edited May 15, 2013 by tapedeck

[Murr]

Their social streams are constant pictures of their kids doing what I would call 'normal' stuff but it's like they are super special and unique and now every decision/conversation revolves around their kids. That's kinda expected but I think once you've had kids they do become your world so you can lose a little of who you are as you focus on them so much.

 

Heh, Funny thing is while alot of my friends facebook updates are child related, 90% of mine and Heather's are updates and pictures of our cat Millie.

[Ashley]

Heh, Funny thing is while alot of my friends facebook updates are child related, 90% of mine and Heather's are updates and pictures of our cat Millie.

 

My friend showed me pictures of his kids and all I could show him was pictures of my cribs cat.

[jayseven]

My sister didn't plan her prenancy and it completely freaked her out. They didn't feel prepared, nor did they feel like they were up to the challenge. They didn't feel like they'd experienced life enough, and all that jazz.

 

But it just happens. Kinda what Rummy says. People just grow up and deal with the situation if it arises. I'm feeling a similar response to the balding thread -- I have no true experience of the matter, so how am I to really accurately know how I'd react if I was in the situation?

 

I think most of us on here have it in them to be good parents. I think it's actually more selfish to think "I don't want kids" than "I want kids because I don't want to die alone". I respect both opinions (I currently don't want kids!). I wonder how many people have excuses for not wanting kids, but secretly (or openly) just really, really scared they'll be awful parents that will just psychologically fuck up their children, if they had any.

[Diageo]

Why is not wanting kids selfish?

[Jamba]

I'm in a similar situation to Murr, just not with the mortgage yet ;-) [Wedding next Saturday btw!]

bluey and I feel similarly, like there are a lot of things that we want to do before we have kids that we haven't had the chance to do yet. Which includes learning how to feel happier in ourselves and simply having enough life experience to pass on. Neither of us feel ready but then everyone that I've met who has kids says that you never will do and actually the growing up that you do in the process is the important bit.

 

 

On a COMPLETELY different note, I thought I should tell you about my cousin. She got married about 6 years ago and her mum dies of cancer shortly after which was shattering. The two of them started working for a christian charity and effectively became missionaries shortly afterwards, with all of their income being from people in their community that sponsor them. Which is FINE. Until they had kids...

 

Now personally, I think it's a bit morally grey to bring up your kids on money that is being donated to a charitable cause. I think it's a misuse of that money and I genuinely feel that on some level they have trapped people into being ok with it as to withdraw support would be very unchristian. This was made much worse by her getting pregnant again straight after their first child. I thought that was taking the piss quite badly (especially as that meant only 1 of them was doing the actual work now) and supporting not 1 but 2 kids on other people's money.

 

Roll on 3 years later, my Mum tells me that my cousin is going into hospital for some major surgery and that she really needed our support. Turns out that she had inherited an extremely dangerous precursor gene from her mother and given the family history she had almost 100% chance of having one of the most aggressive types of breast cancer there is, making it even worse as it killed her mother in a long drawn out way. She was going in to have a double mastectomy, which is one of the most aggressive operations that is performed on anyone, followed by reconstructive surgery. She was absolutely amazing and thought about the kids the entire time and now has a healthy life expectancy.

 

Turns out this was the reason that she had had kids in cannon as she was working on borrowed time in a massive way. It completely changed my perspective on the situation and their choices. They are some of the best parents that I know and the kids are fantastic. Still don't like the way they are using other people's money but hey... very happy for them all now :-)