Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Well I still didn't talk to her. Was feeling pretty lousy yesterday since I hadn't slept very well the night before, then she was talking to that guy again today. I almost did talk to her after we got off the bus but I hesitated. Thing is she walked past him this morning and didn't talk to him, he went up to her a bit later on. I'm not getting massive vibes she likes him that way but I'm probably wrong since I can't know for sure. I don't get the impression he's asked her out yet either so I can "one up" him if I do it first. Gonna risk looking stupid (too late for that, I know) and ask some opinions on stuff. She glanced over to me while I was getting on the bus, seemed odd to me if she was with that guy. She looked away when I looked up. She's done this before. Most of the time she won't stand up to get off until I start moving. Yesterday I held off later than I normally do to walk to the front of the bus. She didn't get up until I did. She also did it this morning despite being with the guy. Probably reading too much into it but it seems odd and happens far to often to just be a coincidence? Actually come to think of it, I stopped to let the guy move so the girl can get out and he didn't even say thanks or anything. What a jerk. I hate all this self doubt/not knowing/pressure. It's a lot easier when you don't like someone, haha. I think you should just try to take the plunge. Say hi to her and ask if she might want to get coffee or something someday (I know, asking girls out for coffee is becoming my modus operandi); it's basically the best way of saying: "Hey, we don't know each other very well, but we've noticed each other; how about we get to know each other a little better and see if anything might come of it?" If she says no, just smile and accept the rejection politely so that she knows there are no hard feelings. Trust me, it feels loads better than the eternal uncertainty; even if she does say no, it'll be so much easier to move on. (Yes, I know I'm still not exactly the right person to give advice on this stuff, but dammit, I think I have at least this part of it right!)
jayseven Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I agree but disagree. I walk past the same people on the way to work and some of them allow an exchange of knowing nods, others say g'morning, whilst others have said nothing. Some could be approached if I initiate stronger, but I've attempted head-nods and smiles to no response (whilst others have indeed reciprocated). Relationships, in this kind of scenario, can be built up over time, and I don't see why they couldn't go somewhere, if enough tact and effort were made. But if I just approached one and said "want a coffee!" then... well that's almost inevitably going to be a "no" response, combined with an awkward segment of my day. I'd probably just change my route to avoid that person. I think about these things, and they affect my day, so I factor them into the equation. I agree with Ell, Diageo and danny when they say that it's a good idea to recognise there's a middle ground to consider. If you go all-in and it fucks up then you create an awkwardness, but also you could potentially lose a shot at her friends! If you build up a rapport over days, weeks, months... that could lead to her, or friends of hers, or who knows! Don't seek an imagined perfect life with this person you don't even know, instead pursue the potential. As an aside, how good are you a judge of character? Because I'm awful. I am forgiving, allowing... I won't notice someone's social flaws until it's too late.
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 To be honest I find this "build a rapport" thing rather vague; this whole dance around how to approach someone you don't know, walking some imaginary line of not coming on too strong yet not too weak either. I've had bad experiences with that myself in the past, and it seems to me Ike is having the same problem. Why not just be upfront? It doesn't have to be a coffee invitation, you could simply strike up a conversation one day - what matters is that you do something. Don't be pushy, of course - be polite; be forthcoming. Show that you're relaxed about the situation and that you're perfectly okay with a no. I just know that this being careful and hesitant keeps one in a mental state of doubt and uncertainty, often preventing one from ever actually acting. The more I think about it, the more I suspect this whole idea of flirting and sending subtle hints instead of simply being upfront makes dating far more awkward for all parties than it needs to be. Or maybe I'm just terrible at signals and implicit conversation and wish people would just talk to each other instead. Anyway, I claim no expertise on this field; this is simply what I would do. It might be golden advice, it might be bullhonkey - I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But aren't we all?
Ike Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I've had bad experiences with that myself in the past, and it seems to me Ike is having the same problem. Yeah, I think so. Originally I might have talked to her for a couple of days then ask her out but this other guy has complicated it now so I'm not sure if I should just go for it straight off (well after talking to her a bit little first, not just going to approach her and ask her out randomly). I don't want to make the wrong move due to this added pressure. This other guy seems to be taking the first approach. I still don't think he's asked her out and there's no or little flirting from what I've seen at the moment. She probably has an idea he likes her though because why would he talk to her? Oh, I'm actually not that bothered about making things awkward. I won't be and if she feels awkward then that's her problem, if I get rejected then why should I care? She's been fine with this other guy so I would think the same would apply to me unless I badly mess it up badly somehow. Debating if I should go for it or just dropping it now though. So yeah, I don't know what to do now.
MoogleViper Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I thought you'd already exchanged a bit of small talk with her?
Ike Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I thought you'd already exchanged a bit of small talk with her? Yeah, I have. I got confused people where telling me she'll be awkward or waiting for me to talk to her so she can start avoiding me.
Rummy Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Go for eeeeett. Besides I thought you've spoken to her before a few months back? I'm with Diageo on this, the longer you leave it the worse it gets. Spend too much time in your head and overcomplicating things in addition to building them up to some imagined idea.
rizz Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 The whole nerves and hesitating and will it become awkward thing. It sucks so badly. When I was 15 (oh to be 15 again) there was this girl who I liked, and who for sure liked me, but I had those doubts because I just wasn't very confident. She was sure no looker, a proper geek, but suited me down to the ground. So I hesitated forever, and then some other dude (who I still dislike 9 years later) swoops in OUT OF NOWHERE. To this day I still think about what a fucking idiot I was, and those horrible horrible words, 'what might have been'. On the other hand. Some other time (20 this time I think) this girl was giving seemingly good signals. I ask her out, but apparently she doesn't handle those sorts of things well. Blanked me. I eventually get some sense out of her... over PM on audioscrobbler. Well, I thought she was a dick and never saw or spoke to her again. The whole thing was awkward since we knew each other in high school and so had some mutual friends, but I virtually never saw them any more so whatever. Maybe a couple of months later I invite some other girl to a small party of mine and thus began an almost 4 year long relationship.
Ellmeister Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Small talk - nothing - WANNA GET COFFEE? That timeline sounds strange to me. I don't see why you can't just start talking a bit more on the bus, no need to watch and scrutinise for signals just talk! If you're on the bus everyday, I don't believe it won't be awkward if she says no. It'll be lingering there forever more.
Rummy Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) Small talk - 12 months of bus rides and talk(disliking the talk having to be 'small') - wanna go out? (12 months is an exaggeration I chose...not fact!) That seems weirder to me. What's to be weird about just being asked out for coffee/something? The coffee/hanging out is part and parcel for the 'small' and other talk in the first instance anyway. Way I see it - he's seen her on the bus, he's noticed her and thinks he might like her enough to hang out with, she's at least noticed him - being asked out causes what awkwardness? Imo it's only awkward if she says no, and Ike then acts differently because of it. Not to the above point, but here are some of endless possible suppositions; 1. I didn't want to say this - but what if she's totally Ike-ing on Ike? 2. One day she just disappears from the bus. All over. In a flash. Ike never knows. 3. She should have disappeared from the bus months ago, but she's so Ike-ing over Ike, she's just getting the bus every day to hope that one day he'll actually Ike up and say something. 4. I'm maybe stuck in a rom-com. 5. Other dude gets in there first, by simply asking her out. Or already has. Out-Ikes the Ike. 6. She was Ike-ing over Ike, but some other dude(either poormansbusdude/poormansIke or someotherpartofherlifedude) takes her attention and she stops Ike-ing over Ike or it's totally too late when Ike Ikes-up. 7. Seven means this list is getting out of hand. Aighke. If she says 'yes', it's ok for Ike. If she says 'no' it can still be ok for Ike - saying no to going out doesn't mean they can't continue their bus journeys as normal, that they can't ever speak, that....well, it doesn't really mean anything, does it? There's as many reasons for a yes as for a no, no? or yes? I don't even know anymore. If anything, the bus journeys are so un-interactive atm that they can easily be awkward/avoid it/each other? Edited October 25, 2013 by Rummy
bluey Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wait, wait... wait... 12 MONTHS?! @Ike - go for it!! if you've been chatting to her for more than a few bus rides i'd say "do you want to get a coffee?" is an easy one to slip in and still be not-too-big-a-deal-as-to-make-things-awkward if she says no. hell i've asked a girl out (...platonically....)the first time i randomly got chatting with her and it turned into one of the best (....platonic...) friendships i have!
Rummy Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wait, wait... wait... 12 MONTHS?! @Ike - go for it!! if you've been chatting to her for more than a few bus rides i'd say "do you want to get a coffee?" is an easy one to slip in and still be not-too-big-a-deal-as-to-make-things-awkward if she says no. hell i've asked a girl out (...platonically....)the first time i randomly got chatting with her and it turned into one of the best (....platonic...) friendships i have! Oh, no, it isn't 12 months, I was exaggerating! He did post about her a few months ago...sure it must have been at least 3 since then. On the note of asking someone out, sure you might start it off with romantic ideals but that no doesn't have to be the end of all future interaction, she could still be awesomely cool and you could be friends(...platonically...)...!
bluey Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 fooo i was gunna say-!! 12 months... you're practically married. bus married.
Aneres11 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Ike I think you should definitely try and talk to her! I know it's a really easy thing to say whilst sat reading about your situation, but I guess the not knowing if you were to never do anything would be worse than not giving it a shot! Making the first move is always difficult, but maybe just a friendly hello or smile to her to begin with until you feel like your confident enough to say hello and maybe ask her how her weekend was on a Monday morning! Little steps I guess. Once that's out of the way you would probably be able to get a better understanding of whether you're in with a shot! Good luck anyway! Be great to hear a success story! : peace: __________________ Onto unsuccessful stories then... haha. As a few may remember I had my tennis guy issues a few months back, the old is he isn't he gay stuff. Well. I still don't really know ha, and things have gotten a little frustrating for me lately. Tennis has quietened off for him due to injuries, bad weather etc (I'll play through anything so am always down at the club or willing to play!), so hadn't seen that much of him. We had spent some time away from tennis together, mainly at his watching films, playing some 360 games, generally chilling etc but nothing for about 6 weeks. Anyway, in that time I kinda stopped being so "omg I really like / fancy him" and pulled myself together a bit, but then on Monday evening totally out of the blue, he asked if I wanted to do a pub quiz with him and a mate. So went along, did terribly but had a good laugh and his mate was a nice guy so all was well. He then said about wanting to do more quizzes so we did another one at a different pub on the Tuesday night - met his flat mate etc. All good. But now I find myself 'back there' with the "omg I really like him" stupidness that I had before. I don't know what it is, but he is just a really laid back, genuinely nice guy. And though I say I am unsure of his sexuality, it's not because I think he could be gay - as it would literally shock me if it turned out he was, more I just haven't had anything to tell me he's straight. And I think it's that which is keeping these really silly feelings in my head towards him. I'd rather him rock up to the quiz with a girl on his arm and be like 'this be me bitch', because then I could be like - ok, move the fuck on. I put myself on POF anyway in the hope of taking my mind off the whole thing and have been exchanging messages with some on there, doing the whole 'I would like to meet you' button thing, but so far it's not taking what's in the back of my mind and shoving it out completely! Anyway I don't know why I typed that as people are probably just thinking 'k'. Lol. But I kinda needed to just say it.
Ellmeister Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 From ikes impressions it seems as though he hasn't been chatting regularly on the bus though. That's why I'm saying if its been awkward silence for a while then asking her out randomly would be weird.
Rummy Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 post Same as I'd say for Ike, you need to close on this shit sooner rather than later. Dude seems to be cool enough to be being your friend and all that jazz - how obvious has it been that you're into dudes? What if he's totes CoolTennisFriend-ing on you too? From ikes impressions it seems as though he hasn't been chatting regularly on the bus though. That's why I'm saying if its been awkward silence for a while then asking her out randomly would be weird. When it comes to it, everyone's different. That applies both to actors and subjects(for want of a better term that I can't think of), even if the actions the same. For me, looking at the situation(obv without the emotion tho) I see it only as oppurtunity - not spoken for a while? Strike up the next conversation, mention that you haven't in fact spoken for a while, would like to rectify it, suggest going for x/y/z. 'Hey, I got to thinking and we haven't spoken much recently so I thought...well, why don't we go out for a coffee and a chat sometime? I get the impression you'd be pretty good company/interest/cool etcetc' or somethnig along those lines. I'd like to think I'd lay that right out there in the situation(waiting for a response after my initial greeting) and it's so non-anything that I can't see a downside. Obv there's intricacies of the actual situation involved, but I just don't see why asking someone to hang out has to be such a big deal! My main point is - why the need to chat regular on the bus? Why not go out to then have the conversations/regular ones from there minus awkwardness?
Charlie Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Ike I think you should definitely try and talk to her! I know it's a really easy thing to say whilst sat reading about your situation, but I guess the not knowing if you were to never do anything would be worse than not giving it a shot! Making the first move is always difficult, but maybe just a friendly hello or smile to her to begin with until you feel like your confident enough to say hello and maybe ask her how her weekend was on a Monday morning! Little steps I guess. Once that's out of the way you would probably be able to get a better understanding of whether you're in with a shot! Good luck anyway! Be great to hear a success story! : peace: __________________ Onto unsuccessful stories then... haha. As a few may remember I had my tennis guy issues a few months back, the old is he isn't he gay stuff. Well. I still don't really know ha, and things have gotten a little frustrating for me lately. Tennis has quietened off for him due to injuries, bad weather etc (I'll play through anything so am always down at the club or willing to play!), so hadn't seen that much of him. We had spent some time away from tennis together, mainly at his watching films, playing some 360 games, generally chilling etc but nothing for about 6 weeks. Anyway, in that time I kinda stopped being so "omg I really like / fancy him" and pulled myself together a bit, but then on Monday evening totally out of the blue, he asked if I wanted to do a pub quiz with him and a mate. So went along, did terribly but had a good laugh and his mate was a nice guy so all was well. He then said about wanting to do more quizzes so we did another one at a different pub on the Tuesday night - met his flat mate etc. All good. But now I find myself 'back there' with the "omg I really like him" stupidness that I had before. I don't know what it is, but he is just a really laid back, genuinely nice guy. And though I say I am unsure of his sexuality, it's not because I think he could be gay - as it would literally shock me if it turned out he was, more I just haven't had anything to tell me he's straight. And I think it's that which is keeping these really silly feelings in my head towards him. I'd rather him rock up to the quiz with a girl on his arm and be like 'this be me bitch', because then I could be like - ok, move the fuck on. I put myself on POF anyway in the hope of taking my mind off the whole thing and have been exchanging messages with some on there, doing the whole 'I would like to meet you' button thing, but so far it's not taking what's in the back of my mind and shoving it out completely! Anyway I don't know why I typed that as people are probably just thinking 'k'. Lol. But I kinda needed to just say it. I'm pretty drunk right now but I just want to say I'm so glad I'm straight purely because I can assume that all girls are straight and don't have to go through the same worries that you, and recently @Daft, have been talking about - is he gay or not. It makes things far easier!
Ashley Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 I really hope the next girl Charlie likes is gay
drahkon Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 A friend of mine (who I've only recently met) wants to hook me up with a girl. She showed me a couple of photos and I have to say: The girl is very pretty. Yesterday this friend texted me that the girl wants to meet me and that I should join them at a party (no idea whether it was alcohol talking or the truth ) Shame that the club was about 60 km away from where I was and that I already had other plans. What's great though: The lady will be at a party at Halloween and I agreed to go, too. Somehow I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I'm also not interested in hooking up. LOL.
MoogleViper Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 "I'm not interested in... ...hey, is that a pretty girl?" /men
Fierce_LiNk Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 "I'm not interested in... ...hey, is that a pretty girl/guy" /men Fixed for 21st century romancings.
bob Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 "I'm not interested in... ...hey, is that a pretty girl/guy?" /men/women Fixed to include everyone.
Ellmeister Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 "I'm not interested in... ...hey, is that a pretty girl/ guy/ inanimate object?" /men/ women /strange people FTFY. No idea what the word for such a thing is. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd google it.
Frank Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 My story has taken an unexpected romantic turn. (Act 1, Scene 7) Hit it off with a Japanese / Canadian guy and I was able to impress him with my knowledge of Japanese culture etc. We ended up sneaking off from our friends and took a sneaky bottle of red wine to match. We hung out for quite a while at this fountain in a really beautiful square and I think perhaps the wine hit my head faster than I expected and I decided to recreate LA DOLCE VITAs most famous scene. Lots of playing in the fountain later I was piggybacked home. I thought this was it but turns out he was being quite forward / flirty. Said to myself, he's pretty cute and it's been a while, why not go for a ride. We snuck into the mailroom (i don't know) for privacy and shut the door. Turns out this door doesn't open... naturally. Sad thing was this guy is claustrophobic so about 1 hr of panicking later and silly attempts of escape we ended up being rescued by a crew of 8+ fireman who broke us free. Needless to say, they were a little suspicious.
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