good stuff thread.

[bob]

Maybe find out if Roger Waters has a cat? I hear he's going to be away in Glasgow on the 3rd June.

 

 

[drahkon]

Two friends will see Wolodymyr Selenskyj in person pretty soon. He will receive The International Charlemagne Prize of Aachen and they are in the City Hall waiting for him to arrive Not sure if they get the chance for a photo. They are helpers and part of the organizing team for the youth prize, but not sure if Ukraine's president will be available for some pictures after his acceptance speech.

I'm a few meters away in a small park (there will be a live stream of the ceremony ) and it's crazy.

There are snipers on a lot of roofs, police everywhere, helicopters flying around...it's kinda scary but also exciting.

Edit: Two speeches from our mayor and Germany's chancellor. Very, very powerful.

Edited May 14, 2023 by drahkon

[bob]

Had a strange interaction the other day.

 

Was walking along the road, carrying my baby. She is 1 month old (this part is relevant later on in the story).

A taxi pulls up at the traffic lights, and out of the rear window, a head pops out. It's acclaimed actor and star of The Hobbit, Waking Ned and Cold Feet, James Nesbitt.

He yells across the road at me - "How old?!"

I do a double take, and he repeats ' "How old?!".

I tell him one month.

He says "Amazing!", and his taxi drives off as the lights turn green. 

I think he may have been a bit drunk.

[martinist]

So i was at Alex Kapranos' wedding party. Free drink, free food. Honestly surprised i'm not wasted but i spent too much time talking to strangers. All in all a good time but i now have a bottle of wine.

Edited May 27, 2023 by martinist

[Josh64]

I’m 92 days sober!

 

Which feels really weird to say as I used to have a ‘rule’ that as long as I wasn’t drunk two days in a row I was ‘fine’. I had a lot of rules like that to justify things and prove to myself nothing was wrong. Another rule was, “don’t drink the day before work”. Given I work shifts, that was always quite doable. If I was on an early 6am shift till midday, and off the next day, I would nap as soon as I could when I got home, so that I’d be ready for a regular old binge until the early hours, and then spend my actual day off hungover.

 

 

I probably had an average of 2 to 4 binges depending on the week, depending on when I could or could not adhere to my “rules”. The last few years I needed that “no work the next day” rule, as time stands still for no one, and I’m no longer in my early 20’s, so the following day after a binge would be a complete write off, and I’d be pretty much bed-ridden, just about able to mindlessly scroll TikTok or read Reddit, or of course, nap the day away. So the few occasions I did break my unbreakable rules, work was a mess, and I no doubt looked like an absolute monster (and probably smelt it too!), but generally I was able to stick to my rules, and keep things largely under wraps.

 

I had got pretty good at being buzzed but functioning on my chilled out nights alone, my spelling/typing on the PC was impeccable, and I had gotten out of the habit of sending messages or stupid Snapchats after around 1am in a bid to not seem drunk, unless of course it was a socially acceptable day, like a Saturday, or if I’d been on a night out anyway, in which case I could let my drunk guard down.

 

All of this is to say that for the past 8 years I haven’t had a healthy relationship with alcohol, but for the past 3 or 4 years especially, things had gotten bad, and I had somehow tricked myself into not seeing it for myself. Despite, in hindsight, so many OBVIOUS signs that things weren’t right and I was clearly lying to myself.

 

I would hide empty cans and bottles under ‘normal’ recycling (juice cartons, butter, whatever), so that my mountain of cans wasn’t obvious. I would tear up and put at the bottom of the bin, or literally burn in the fire, the cardboard cases of my beer when I was done with them. I would cycle through various shops when buying alcohol because of the shame of seeing the same cashier too often – Though even while doing that it still felt like I saw the same people far too much, and despite looking young for my age and always getting ID’d at new places, these people would know not to bother and let me buy without question. I was a regular! How depressing, and how embarrassing.

 

All of these things and yet, if a TV show had the trope of a cop coming home and starting a 6-pack, or a journalist in the city goes back to her apartment and opens a bottle of wine alone, I would point to the screen and say to myself, “look, everyone does it!”.

 

I started properly drinking at around 17, but it was fine, the normal amount and normal situations for anyone that age, house parties, nights out with friends, and probably once a week, if that. And it was like that until probably my early to mid 20’s. Then in 2015 my nephew unexpectedly passed away shortly after being born.

 

I was a heavy sleeper (note, was), so when I woke and saw missed calls from my brother and parents, multiple missed calls, I knew something was up, as we pretty much always communicate through text. It took me ages to get through to my brother. My brother couldn’t really talk, and obviously had a lot going on, so the call ended quick. This was about half 7 in the morning on a Sunday, he lives about a 15 minute walk from me, and I decided to just run to his house, because for some reason I thought everyone would just be at home? I don’t know what I was thinking really.

 

I was running with tears coming down my face, I must have looked a bit insane, but being that early on a Sunday, I didn’t actually come across any other person. I got to the house and it was locked, obviously, because of course they weren’t home, and then I finally got through to my parents, and my dad came and picked me up and took me to the hospital.

 

I went to the hospital, held my nephew, cried with the family, tried to deal with how surreal it all was, the fact that this family, my family, one that doesn’t really show true emotion often, were all crying in front of each other while taking turns to say goodbye to this tiny dead baby. I wish I had got there earlier, to see him for the half an hour he was alive, but I’m glad I at least got to see him at all.

 

That was an odd time, and later that day, I absolutely did not want to face the reality when I got home. I had already, before this had happened, planned to have a night in with my friend, and had the alcohol waiting at home, but of course, given the circumstances, I cancelled, and to lift my mood on said night, I drank the wine by myself instead and listened to KPOP and weirdly enough, I was having a great time. I still had pangs of sadness every time I remembered my nephew, but also I would look at the clock, 11pm, 12am, 1am, and think, “damn, I could be in bed moping right now but instead I’m having a great time, jamming out, disco lights on, music on loud, who needs to feel SAD when you can MAKE yourself have a great time.” I guess that is the perfect example of toxic positivity lol, but at the time I thought I was cheating life and making lemonade out of lemons.

 

At the same time, death had been a pretty big part of my life in 2015. I was working at a care home, the status of which had recently turned to nursing home/end of life care. I worked nights, often alone on my “side” of the building while one or two others worked on the other side. So I spent a lot of time walking corridors at night by myself on my 12 hour shifts, itself probably not healthy.

 

I’d be helping dying people get up to the toilet, get a drink, tell me their dementia-fuelled delusions, or walking in to see that poor old John had breathed his last breath and I needed to get him looking presentable before his family arrived to say goodbye, and then I happily welcome in the men at 5am who take him out in a zipped up black bag. Honestly I thought that was a thing in movies, it was really odd to take them to his room and see it happen there and then.

 

The fact I was working nights also helped to legitimise the fact that, on my days off, it wasn’t too weird that I would drink wine and beer until 4am. It was just like enjoying a beer in the garden on a sunny afternoon, right?

 

But yeah, I could go into way more detail of that time of my life, but I will skip over it, as it’s a story for another time. But basically, that’s when it all started, when my fondness for drinking left the realm of social drinking and entered the realm of drinking alone.

 

At the time, I didn’t see the drinking as a big deal. I decided for my own health it was best to leave the nursing home, as much as I cared for the people there and enjoyed the job, it obviously wasn’t helping my state of mind. It was 2017 when I finally changed jobs, lots. I went to therapy. I started on Sertraline. All of those changes were in 2017 and helped me to continue my life after a nervous breakdown saw me out of work for 6 months. Under all of this though, and what was quite honestly a great crutch at the time, was my constant alcohol use.

 

2018 saw me get the job I still have now, and it’s nothing great but not terrible either, in fact, it’s perfect for my anxiety riddled self as it’s busy, but not got the stakes of looking after someone in their final days, and the social life it gave me back has been great, as I was once again surrounded by people my own age, and working daylight hours.

 

I continued to drink until the early hours on my days off, and over the years in the back of my mind it got more and more obvious to me that my drinking wasn’t normal. The Pandemic happened and, work being the only thing I had to leave the house for, suddenly I was able to have my night-time binges 4 times a week, every week.

 

I put on more weight, I jokingly called it COVID weight. But someone mentioned a few months ago this year, in around February actually, that it’s crazy that COVID was 3 years ago now. And that’s when I thought about what I mentioned earlier: Time stands still for no one, and I’m no longer in my early 20’s.

 

COVID was 3 years ago and I still hadn’t lost the COVID weight or the bad habits. My night shifts were 5 years ago yet I hadn’t stopped drinking until 3 or 4am. My nephew passed 8 years ago yet the one-off one-person party I had on the day of his death had now gone on for 8 years whenever I had the chance. Everyone has problems, everyone has had their own issues and losses with family and friends, their own work problems, their own mental or physical health problems, yet they didn’t all become secret drinkers. What’s my excuse? I don’t have one.

 

I still couldn’t admit to it being a problem earlier this year, though in the back of my mind I knew it was. I know how I am all or nothing when it comes to a lot of things, so I told myself that I can’t drink anything for a month, as I knew that completely cutting it out was the only way, as when I ever tried to just have a few it would obviously always turn into more. Like how I wanted to cut back my meat consumption but had to just become a Vegetarian because I, for whatever reason, only work in absolutes, lol. The reason I couldn’t just listen to and enjoy Scatman John when I first found him in 2007 but instead had to find every single song, every unreleased morsel of footage, every promo event. The way that, after getting a GameCube at 12 years old, instead of playing it, enjoying it, and moving on with my life, I find myself on the same Nintendo forum that I joined back then to talk about the wonders of Donkey Konga, 20 years later, talking about my life’s problems.

 

Anyway, it was SO hard starting that month of sobriety, especially the first week. I had genuine, physical issues, which thanks to reading the /r/StopDrinking subreddit on Reddit, I realised were actual physical withdrawals. I was told on there to consult a doctor, but being so ashamed and also doing this all in secret, I didn’t, which is stupid but, thankfully for me, the issues did resolve themselves after a few weeks. I had severe stomach pains, that made me cramp up, gave me chills while also making me sweaty, I had other really odd bodily functions do things that you probably don’t wish to read about. But all that is to say that they subsided. Then it was just the cravings, the mental NEEDS of wanting to hit ‘pause’ on life and take a chilled out evening without any thoughts, as I used to do.

 

I got to one month sober and decided to do one more. Then two months sober I told myself I wouldn’t drink until my birthday, which was another 5 weeks away, and now next week as I write this.

 

One sad thing is, and one thing I can’t relate to with the people on /r/StopDrinking, my anxiety never went away. In fact, anxiety is part of the reason I have always drank, drinking makes it disappear and makes me feel normal. I had anxiety for years prior to when I started drinking at age 17. But I also referred back to the passage of time recently when I was thinking about that, as for so long I told myself, “you’ll grow out of it, you’ll get more confidence, you’ll overcome it with therapy or tablets”, but the fact is, it’s now been over HALF of my life that I have had crippling anxiety, so it’s not something that I will grow out of – I’m already fully grown!

 

That is another issue, clearly my anxiety is far from normal. I’m not sure how I will address it, I certainly don’t have the money to go to therapy, and I only managed to get NHS therapy back in 2017 because I was suicidal which, thankfully and thanks to that therapy, I do not have those thoughts any more. So obviously therapy worked, but didn’t fix the underlying anxiety issues I’ve had for years. But that’s another issue and something I will try to tackle now, in the coming months and years, instead of hiding from it in alcohol and pretending it doesn’t exist.

 

All of this rambling is to say that I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I let it get this bad, that I lived a kind of secret second life, that I had to cancel on friends, family and events at times because I was recovering from a binge. I haven’t told anyone close to me the extent of my issues (aside from one close friend) because I’m embarrassed and ashamed of it all. And I might never, I’m hoping that, now that 3 months have passed and I haven’t had alcohol in that time, I can continue to never have alcohol and leave this part of my life behind, keep it as a horrible skeleton in my closet.

 

I mentioned to people I cut out alcohol and started eating healthy as a bid to lose weight, and that’s the extent of sharing about the issue I have done. And that’s stopped any further questioning when out with people and not going straight to ordering a pint. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them I had severe issues and actually quitting alcohol has been one of the biggest things I’ve had to do, and it has taken until now, writing this, after 3 months of sobriety, that I have finally accepted it myself that I did/do have a problem.

 

But there have been some great benefits. One of which being TIME. I had no idea how much time I consumed buying alcohol, the evenings lost to drinking it, the days after that literally didn’t exist for me as I napped and TikTok’d the day away. To start with it was actually a bit overwhelming how much spare time I had. The first few weeks of sobriety genuinely made me feel so lost, and it took a lot to find purpose in day to day things and a reason to go on.

 

But it has made my daily Instagram art posts much easier to achieve, it has allowed me to post regularly on the front page of this very website again, it has gave me time to help my friend edit his weekly newsletter and its given me my social life back. It took a while to get here, but slowly I built up a life again and made use of my time in a way for it to feel fulfilling and to not feel like I’m missing out on my poison fuelled evenings.

 

All that is to say, I’m super happy to have got to 3 months sober but also have no one to celebrate with lol, so I’m happy to share it here. As I say, my plan was to abstain for a month to prove to myself I had no issue, and then to go on drinking in moderation. But as the weeks passed and the clouds lifted, I realised that of course it was a bigger issue than I was letting on, which is why I kept extending the dry spell. Now I feel as though I need to stay away for as long as I possibly can.

 

I actually do feel as though at this stage I could drink in moderation, like at social events, but the horror stories I’ve read over on /r/StopDrinking about failed moderation attempts, and knowing how I am with being all or nothing with things, I think it’s best I just say no to the poison from now on, and live vicariously through Rare’s Conker.

 

So I’m moving the goal posts again, and I won’t be drinking on my birthday, or for the foreseeable future! 

 

[Ashley]

I'm proud of you @Josh64, that's amazing!

I can't recall if I mentioned at the time but my stepfather passed away last year ultimately because of his trouble with alcohol. Technically hospital-caught pneumonia, but he was there because of it and his body was too weak to fight it off.

He didn't have it easy because most of his family suffered from alcohol dependency too (don't recall the exact numbers but at least one of his parents died from it and several of his siblings did too) but it really went downhill in February 2020. His job laid him off (and he put a lot of stock in his work and obviously it also provides a distraction) and then a few days later hired him again and then I think either let him go, or Covid did. Either way, it really shot his weak confidence and it went downhill from there. I lived with them for a month after coming back from my trip because of Covid and he did get progressively worse. He was never a perfect person, but the drink was getting the best of him and he was doing some of the things you mentioned such as trying to hide alcohol. My mom ultimately kicked him out for both their sakes and paid for him to go to rehab sometime early 2022 if I recall correctly, but two days after coming out he drank again.

And I just realised that may sound like I'm trying to scare you or something, but simply instead I understand where you're coming from (or at least as much as I can having not been through it myself) but the fact you seem to be in the right mental headspace in terms of dealing with it (identifying the problem, the causes/triggers and actively wanting to change) is a great sign. One thing I have learnt in my brief time as a PT is if someone wants to lose weight it has to be intrinsic. It can't be someone else telling them to, or them feeling like they "have" to without wanting to, it has to come from within. Obviously dependencies are different, but I am sure there's a truth to it there too so it is good to see you wanting to change. Wanting to be a better version of yourself.

I think it's sensible not to try the "well I'm sure I'd be fine with one..." approach. Maybe in time, but I would say it first of all needs more time and ideally you'd speak to someone who is more qualified to talk about whether that is sensible of feasible. Hopefully your current "moving the goalposts" will continue and you won't want to anyway. Thankfully more places are offering alcohol-free drinks now so that is an option, but again I would understand avoiding those for the time being because it may stimulate the mouthfeel (a horrible word and phrase!) of alcohol, but perhaps in time you will be able to go out with others and enjoy an alcohol-free drink knowing your willpower and strength is such that it won't knock you back.

Which brings me to a pessimistic point but one I think is worth flagging up; something will happen in the future (hopefully not the near future) that will test and challenge you. It will knock you back and make you want to drink again, even if its a momentary "this is a difficult time, I can handle one drink!" mentality. All I would advise, as a friend rather than any kind of professional, is to a) have people you know and trust that you can turn to if that happens who will support you and b) look into how other people have learnt to handle those situations. In the moment you obviously won't be thinking logically, but hopefully if you have the friends I mentioned in point a they can help you through point b.

And as to your point of not being able to celebrate it I don't live that far away remember!  Plus I'm also not drinking at the moment. But you know you can always reach out to me if you want to.

Congrats on not only the sobriety but also the strength and courage to post about it. It is no small or easy thing and I am really proud that you have done this.

[Josh64]

I'm sorry to hear about your step father - I know it was a few years ago now but don't remember discussing it at the time. It's nice that you could be there for the last few months. 

I actually DO like the 0% Heineken but also after two I feel like I've totally had enough, which is crazy as with normal beer that would be but an appetiser lol. But so far I've just had them when I've had friends over, who I would usually drink with. 

And yeah the weight-loss is just a great by-product really, and a great excuse for when I don't want to tell people the real reason, but given sobriety helped me lose quite a bit of weight, it spurred me on to actually start eating healthier and get in better shape.

I will definitely be vigilant in the near future, both for if something bad does happen and just for the sake of perhaps getting too comfortable with the fact that it's been a few months now, and maybe wearing rose tinted glasses that make it seem like "things weren't so bad" because after all, I did a good job of telling myself that for years up until now lol. 

[S.C.G]

3 hours ago, Josh64 said:

I’m 92 days sober!

It has made my daily Instagram art posts much easier to achieve, it has allowed me to post regularly on the front page of this very website again, it has gave me time to help my friend edit his weekly newsletter and its given me my social life back. It took a while to get here, but slowly I built up a life again and made use of my time in a way for it to feel fulfilling and to not feel like I’m missing out on my poison fuelled evenings.

I actually do feel as though at this stage I could drink in moderation, like at social events, but the horror stories I’ve read over on /r/StopDrinking about failed moderation attempts, and knowing how I am with being all or nothing with things, I think it’s best I just say no to the poison from now on, and live vicariously through Rare’s Conker.

So I’m moving the goal posts again, and I won’t be drinking on my birthday, or for the foreseeable future!

Nicely done @Josh64, I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying your sober life.

I'm grateful to witness this, and even though I'm not celebrating with you in person, as I live quite far away, I still raise a glass (of water) to you and your three month sobriety. Here's to many more months and beyond.

I was looking back to the start of this year, as that's when we started to talk more about the news on N-Europe, games stuff and just talking generally when we can. It has been fantastic keeping in touch with you Josh, and I can see the difference in the articles you've been posting as well.

It has been ten months since you splashed back onto the N-Europe front page with your Wave Race NSO article, and since then you've posted plenty of excellent articles which myself and everyone who visits N-Europe is grateful for.

I'm not just glad that you're sober simply for the benefit of this site though - but if anyone hasn't checked out the front page in a while, definitely consider doing so, as the front page has lots of great articles on it now - I'm glad to see you enjoying life more, as it really shows and I'm grateful for you.

As I've said before "You are enough" and I'd pass that advice on to anyone who is going through anything in life for whatever reason, if you're finding life difficult, and feel like you need to start somewhere, just start with saying "I am enough" to yourself, and go from there, as if you want to change anything around you, it all starts within you ultimately.

- - - - -

Anyway, if that proves useful to anyone, great, if not, no worries. But it is good to start seeing some good stuff being posted, as we've all got at least something to be grateful for every day.

I'll continue the good stuff by saying that life is completely different for me, than it was around four or five years ago. I used to be in a part-time job which I thought of as "reasonable" at the time, but I didn't realise just how much it was taking a toll on my life, both physically and mentally, until one day I just left, and I've never looked back.

I'm fortunate to be in the position to do that, and although there have been months when things have been variable on the financial front, something will inevitably turn up as I trust in what I'm doing more, as I know I can continue letting go of a lot more stuff that I don't need, while just keeping what I use regularly.

I've been helping out others, as there are plenty of people wanting to buy games etc that I used to play but don't any more, and it's nice to see a lot of these items going to new homes to be enjoyed again. It takes energy, as does everything, but it's worth it.

Just day to day life has been more enjoyable as well, I still post news on the site when I can, and I still play games, sometimes not as much one week, and then the next, every evening for a few hours, streaming the games (gameplay only) has given me a greater appreciation for them, and others who enjoy the same games as well, plus whenever we have N-E game nights on Smash or Mario Kart, there's a record of it, so anyone can choose to witness it whenever they want; it's not something I'm doing for monetary value either, as that doesn't seem to be worthwhile to me, but just the joy of it.

I'm going to leave it there, as that'll do for this post. I just wanted to add something to this thread, and celebrate with others who have something to be grateful for, as I believe there's a lot of power in that.

Thanks for the witness of this post, and for giving me the chance to witness your posts as well.

[Ashley]

1 hour ago, Josh64 said:

I'm sorry to hear about your step father - I know it was a few years ago now but don't remember discussing it at the time. It's nice that you could be there for the last few months. 

I actually DO like the 0% Heineken but also after two I feel like I've totally had enough, which is crazy as with normal beer that would be but an appetiser lol. But so far I've just had them when I've had friends over, who I would usually drink with. 

It was last year (a year two weeks ago in fact). But time is a flat circle lately. 

Not tried that one. Had the Peroni here and there but I was never a big beer person anyway. In fact I normally drink wine but not actually tried alcohol free wine. Only tried cocktails, beer and fruity cider. 

[Josh64]

I haven't tried alcohol-free wine either, and probably won't, as I think that could be a bigger trigger than the AF beer!

 

1 hour ago, S.C.G said:

Nicely done @Josh64, I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying your sober life.

I'm grateful to witness this, and even though I'm not celebrating with you in person, as I live quite far away, I still raise a glass (of water) to you and your three month sobriety. Here's to many more months and beyond.

I was looking back to the start of this year, as that's when we started to talk more about the news on N-Europe, games stuff and just talking generally when we can. It has been fantastic keeping in touch with you Josh, and I can see the difference in the articles you've been posting as well.

It has been ten months since you splashed back onto the N-Europe front page with your Wave Race NSO article, and since then you've posted plenty of excellent articles which myself and everyone who visits N-Europe is grateful for.

I'm not just glad that you're sober simply for the benefit of this site though - but if anyone hasn't checked out the front page in a while, definitely consider doing so, as the front page has lots of great articles on it now - I'm glad to see you enjoying life more, as it really shows and I'm grateful for you.

As I've said before "You are enough" and I'd pass that advice on to anyone who is going through anything in life for whatever reason, if you're finding life difficult, and feel like you need to start somewhere, just start with saying "I am enough" to yourself, and go from there, as if you want to change anything around you, it all starts within you ultimately.

- - - - -

Anyway, if that proves useful to anyone, great, if not, no worries. But it is good to start seeing some good stuff being posted, as we've all got at least something to be grateful for every day.

I'll continue the good stuff by saying that life is completely different for me, than it was around four or five years ago. I used to be in a part-time job which I thought of as "reasonable" at the time, but I didn't realise just how much it was taking a toll on my life, both physically and mentally, until one day I just left, and I've never looked back.

I'm fortunate to be in the position to do that, and although there have been months when things have been variable on the financial front, something will inevitably turn up as I trust in what I'm doing more, as I know I can continue letting go of a lot more stuff that I don't need, while just keeping what I use regularly.

I've been helping out others, as there are plenty of people wanting to buy games etc that I used to play but don't any more, and it's nice to see a lot of these items going to new homes to be enjoyed again. It takes energy, as does everything, but it's worth it.

Just day to day life has been more enjoyable as well, I still post news on the site when I can, and I still play games, sometimes not as much one week, and then the next, every evening for a few hours, streaming the games (gameplay only) has given me a greater appreciation for them, and others who enjoy the same games as well, plus whenever we have N-E game nights on Smash or Mario Kart, there's a record of it, so anyone can choose to witness it whenever they want; it's not something I'm doing for monetary value either, as that doesn't seem to be worthwhile to me, but just the joy of it.

I'm going to leave it there, as that'll do for this post. I just wanted to add something to this thread, and celebrate with others who have something to be grateful for, as I believe there's a lot of power in that.

Thanks for the witness of this post, and for giving me the chance to witness your posts as well.

I try to keep the advice of "you are enough" when I'm having a bad day! I can't actually believe I've been back on the N-E front page for that long now! But reading back that WaveRace article is a bit painful lol, I could certainly punch that up a bit now haha. 

 

I'm glad you're feeling better with things too, jobs can truly be soul destroying! I still will try ONE DAY to join an N-E Mario Kart night, but as I say, I will need to upgrade my internet I think lol. It's fine with watching HD content and downloading games, but the few times I have tried to play online it has always failed, perhaps the fluctuations of my connection are the issue, I really don't know!

 

 

[MindFreak]

My wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday. Third child. Had anyone asked me 20 years ago if I'd ever get children, let a lone three, I'd laughed at them.

[Ashley]

Congrats! Hope your wife and the baby are doing well. 

[Beast]

So I've been asked to be something I'd never dream I'd ever be asked but here we are. I've been asked to be a Godfather. I'm off to change my name to Don Corleone now 😂

Seriously though, like I don't know how this works because I'm not religious and they're aware of this but they said I'd be perfect and they really want me to do it. I also don't know what it is I need to do. Like, I've been to a Christening once and it was about 2 hours of talking and then they just stood up and was like "I do" when asked...is that all there is? Do I need to sign or fill anything in? Do I have to be religious?

 

Like, it's so nice being asked and I'd love to do it...

[CrowingJoe79]

Because of how slow my connection is in my flat with either 4G or even broadband, I decided to look into getting a 4G router. A low cost Huawei one ought to be fine. It was ordered yesterday and is out for delivery today.

When I perform a speed test, my broadband speed never goes above 1 MBPS. So you can imagine how bad that is. But with my mobile data, while I don't get any data throttling, the flat I live in is just situated in a location that's not ideal for a stable connection. What's really the issue is the signal. So while it's marginally faster than putting up with TalkTalk's ultra lame broadband service, it's still awful.

I have to place my phone up at the window to make the signal move up to 3 MBPS, which means I cannot connect my cable to charge the battery, as it has to be standing upright.

Meh.

[Josh64]

229 days sober today. I've told a few, but weirdly so many people close to me still don’t know, like my parents, or the majority of my friends really, but that’s because there’s so much shame around it. I wonder if and when I will eventually tell everyone, it was such a well kept secret for so long, it was like I was reliving my teen years of being in the closet. It’s like I’m coming out again in my 30s, which is interesting as my sexuality, the anxiety caused by it, the identity issues I’ve had with how I look and sound, are what caused my slowly burgeoning love of alcohol in the first place.

 

Physically things are interesting. I lost weight, I lost a considerable amount of weight at one point, but the last month or so things are starting to even out, I’ve got bit of a belly back and my ribs aren’t uncomfortably on show, thanks to my mass intake of chocolate and biscuits to counter the Winter blues, but I’m not the mass bloated mess I was this time last year either. If ever I’m having a bad day and have mega cravings for junk food, I just lean into them and go to town, and tell myself these are calories I would have drank anyway.

 

The really weird physical side effects that I used to have, but ignored, are now so wild looking back. Now that I’ve had 6 months of a normal functioning body, I do cringe at just how fucked certain things were.

 

Mentally is the most confusing part of all this. I somehow feel more clarity but also much, much more vulnerable than when I was drinking. I used drinking to mask my emotions and to feel stable, to feel normal in social situations.

 

Now that I don’t have evenings where I can drink the night away alone, having a fun solo rave, I have to actually face the demons waiting for me. I like my own company, but I have realised there are times I feel lonely, and that’s when I would drink. I only came to that realisation a few weeks ago. It’s like alcohol gave me such insane brain fog, that even after all these months I’m only just realising certain things.

 

I also used to see my past self, my younger self, as ‘another person’. But I feel so connected with who I once was again. It’s really bizarre, quite a warm feeling but also quite emotional, as it’s like I’m also talking to some neglected 15 year old version of myself when I’m dealing with emotions now. None of this makes any sense, but it makes a little more sense than it does when it’s whirling around in my head. Perhaps one day I can parse through this and make it comprehensible, but that will likely take another 6 months of sobriety to figure out.

 

The last month or so I’ve been more stable emotionally, I feel like I’m starting to reach a base level which is good. There were a few times over the last few months where I felt literal despair as I had no idea how to deal with fluctuating emotions, but those random days where I feel like I need to run out of the house, strip naked and howl at the moon are getting less and less.

 

I travelled a few hours to meet the god-daughter of Scatman John this week. No alcohol to help my fear, but also extreme excitement as John Larkin is someone I held such a deep spiritual connection with since my first bout of suicidal ideation and anxiety at 15. It sounds super cringe I know, but I have genuinely felt so connected to him ever since then. But I finally felt very validated when meeting her, getting to wear one of his jackets, and listen to some music that I was previously unaware of, I felt the kind of joy and emotion I hadn’t felt since I first heard him as a teen, and it really felt like I had finally become a full person again, and wasn’t this disjoined mix of 3 or 4 different people that had reincarnated or reinvented themselves every 5 years to try to survive, but I’m the same person that I was at 15, and that kid is losing his fucking mind at some of the very awesome things I saw that day.

 

 

Again, incomprehensible probably, but it’s been a good, exhausting and very emotional week. But I’m doing things I never thought I’d be able to do even when I was on the sauce, so I’m hoping I can remind myself of days like that when I’m having one of my drowning days.

Edited November 14, 2023 by Josh64

[Ashley]

Proud of you!

It is not easy to do what you have done and the fact you have a) done it and b) able to reflect on the ups and downs the successes and the challenges shows what a tremendous amount of strength you have. As you said, you have lived a large part of your life essentially as someone else and someone who handles life differently. It's a readjustment period but from where I'm standing you are doing a tremendous job of doing it. I have no doubt it's not always been easy or fun and I'm sure there have been times you've either doubted your ability to continue or felt "fuck it" and wanted to drink again, but in those times just try and reflect on all you have done. Because it is a hell of a fucking lot.

[Josh64]

Thanks so much, you've been such a positive cheerleader in all of this 

[martinist]

21 hours ago, Josh64 said:

Now that I don’t have evenings where I can drink the night away alone, having a fun solo rave, I have to actually face the demons waiting for me

This is literally every Saturday night for me. If i stopped drinking as long as you have i'll probably end up dropping half my body weight.

But alcohal makes me feel good in the moment, not so much the morning after. Plus its comming up to christmas and nerw year so theres going to be drink everywhere...

I'll start in January....maybe

[Josh64]

18 hours ago, martinist said:

This is literally every Saturday night for me. If i stopped drinking as long as you have i'll probably end up dropping half my body weight.

But alcohal makes me feel good in the moment, not so much the morning after. Plus its comming up to christmas and nerw year so theres going to be drink everywhere...

I'll start in January....maybe

Yeah this time of year will be especially hard to avoid! If I still haven't told everyone by then I will use work as an excuse for not having any, sadly I don't drive so I can't use designated driver as an excuse lol. 

 

And yeah just do it on your own terms if/when you are ready, it took me over 10 years to change my habits. 

[drahkon]

Life is not easy these days, but sometimes you just gotta appreciate the good things.

Got a wonderful weekend ahead of me.

A mate will pick me up in a few hours and then we'll spend the next three days at his place playing video games (most likely CoD:MWIII and Remnant 2).
We may also meet up with other friends tonight to go out and dance.

Next Wednesday- unless my medical examination on Tuesday results in an immediate need for treatment - I'll be sitting on a plane to Milan to visit two friends I haven't seen in years.

Fingers crossed that everything goes well

[drahkon]

On 24/11/2023 at 9:57 AM, drahkon said:

unless my medical examination on Tuesday results in an immediate need for treatment

Well, seems like there isn't something terribly wrong. Which is good, but I still don't know why my body's giving me some troubles

Anyways, I'm in Milan right now, so that's nice

I love Italian food

[drahkon]

On 30/11/2023 at 11:59 AM, drahkon said:

I love Italian food

Just had one of the best meals of my life:

Ossobuco with risotto alla milanese.

I will dream of this tonight.

[Julius]

2 hours ago, drahkon said:

Ossobuco with risotto alla milanese.

Googles it

Hope you've had/are having a great time in Italy, and glad to hear everything was good with your medical appointment! 

[CrowingJoe79]

I'm not sure if you'll see this as being good or bad, but it has been snowing in Scotland.

I fell yesterday. Not cool. No pun intended.

[drahkon]

On 12/2/2023 at 12:57 AM, Julius said:

Literally my reaction
We also went to a tiny pizza place and it was delicious. We went there twice

Will definitely go back to Milan/Monza during spring/summer. The weather wasn't great these last few days so we didn't go out much.

Still, had a wonderful time and was very happy to see my friends again