Daft Posted April 16, 2018 Posted April 16, 2018 There's a whole conflux of issues about what both parties want, and what both parties will not compromise on – and there is the issue of a child's health at hand. I think you need to both see a therapist, together. I would say it is a tad odd that the would consider a sperm donor as a primary option over adoption, while dismissing your desire to sire the child. You want another kid that you are both part of., and she wants to make another kid and ideally you are a part of... but that's not essential. Would she consider adopting? You've established that it's something you aren't keen on, but if she holds the same view I think her requests are completely unfair and unreasonable. But yeah, I think this is above everyone's pay-grade and you both need to talk to a professional. 2
MindFreak Posted April 16, 2018 Posted April 16, 2018 (edited) Agreed, this is not something someone should decide. I was merely interested to know if I was being weird seeing an issue here or not. Regarding adoption. This is both very time consuming, regulated, and it requires so much more than making a child artificially. And furthermore, adoption is basically the same as donor sperm for the father and then I would rather that the child was a least genetically hers. We have never spoken about adoption and mind that this is only worst case - that all 6 trials go wrong. My answer to her the other day regarding donor sperm was something like "I don't like that at all - but can't we at least wait till it may become relevant to discuss it? I may have changed my view at that point in time." She wanted to make the deal right away which I couldn't. She was furious after that. In general, she worries a lot and overthinks a lot of stuff and wants to have a contingency plan right away whereas I in general would like to see how the first plan goes before deciding what to do next. Edited April 16, 2018 by MindFreak 1 1
Daft Posted April 16, 2018 Posted April 16, 2018 I don't think you're being weird; there's a lot to process, you've both go to work through it and in time I'm sure you will. You guys will sort it out, maybe that reassurance is enough without committing to anything? Good luck with the trials. May the odds be ever in your favour. 2
Rummy Posted April 25, 2018 Posted April 25, 2018 On 16/04/2018 at 7:25 AM, MindFreak said: So... Question is, am I being weird about it, or is this a general man-thing that I just have to get over? You are NOT being weird brah, and tbh I hate that you even have to refer to it as a 'man-thing'. Dare I ask why adoption isn't a possibility? edit: nvm I seen that. I say for now, yeah it's a worry, but does it need to be? Yes and no. Make the plan for the IVF/screening, but be clear you won't want to have her genetically mother a child that isn't yours genetically too. That isn't unfair! As said - taking an alternative option where you have equal standing is the best imo(or adoption) and also some counselling/therapy now for the both of you to prepare for the inevitability. EDIT: seen you've said you'd rather it was at least genetically related to your wife than to neither; be sure you're not compromising and taking this decision lightly, and it's what you truly truly do want. Love is rather quite deceptive albeit not with intent, and mostly to oneself. I don't mean to judge your wife here but I think it's incredibly unfair and very unloving to demand her own genetic child that you won't have a genetic part of. If she's so insistent on having her own then she surely has to be able to come round and see why you have the absolute equal objections on the other side? She shouldn't get to take a precedence in this - and it's not light decision. This may stick with you way into a future you cannot see when you take such a decision, it may stick with her too, and most importantly it may stick with the child - and whilst there was never any ill-intent on any sides through it all, things can still not work out as hoped. I'm not saying everything's gonna be terrible blahblah etc. - but is it something upon which you would be willing to take the risk? Any of you, for any of you? I think looking at it and having the hard discussions, and therapy, now is better than accidentally making a bad decision later if everyone's feelings weren't explored and communicated; as many others here have also said already. You're both right in her wanting to have a plan now for if it doesn't work later, but also you for being not terribly worried in the immediate short-term as you've got 6 tries too. Stupidly obvious thing to say in a relationships thread - but you always gotta find and strike that balance. 2 1
Kav Posted April 27, 2018 Posted April 27, 2018 At @Blade‘s wedding and they had a couple violinists playing Zelda tunes during the ceremony... fucking awesome! Congrats Blade!!!! 5 3
bob Posted April 27, 2018 Posted April 27, 2018 I love a properly nerdy wedding. Congratulations@Blade! 2 1
Charlie Posted April 28, 2018 Posted April 28, 2018 That’s awesome. I’ll definitely suggest that to Ali for our wedding in 2 years. Did I mention I’m engaged? 6
drahkon Posted April 28, 2018 Posted April 28, 2018 First of all, congrats @Blade 14 minutes ago, Charlie said: That’s awesome. I’ll definitely suggest that to Ali for our wedding in 2 years. Did I mention I’m engaged? And congrats to you, too 1
Raining_again Posted April 29, 2018 Posted April 29, 2018 (edited) @MindFreak from a woman's perspective, i dont think you're being weird and your concerns are TOTALLY valid. I mean how would she feel if her eggs were the ones at fault? Equality is a two way street and you and your sperm are not just disposable income =( Edited April 29, 2018 by Raining_again 1
Kav Posted May 2, 2018 Posted May 2, 2018 @MindFreak I agree that you’re not being weird, your concerns are valid and it’s fair they’re voiced. Like @Daft says, it would be better for you both to see a psychiatrist together as opposed to just you. That would help the Mrs come to a better understanding of your position too, as well as you understand hers more. One thing I would say in regards to going a sperm donor route, if other options are exhausted, it has the benefit of you at least still being able to talk to the baby whilst it’s in the womb. Letting it hear your voice when it can, feeling it kick etc - that would reinforce your bonds, so the connection between the two of you may not feel as distant as you might think. However, I wish you good luck in hope that it doesn’t come to where you have to make a decision on that. All the best! 2 2
Blade Posted May 4, 2018 Posted May 4, 2018 Been married a week now... url picture We are currently in London for our honeymoon. Having a meal in the Shard tonight and then we fly to Japan for two weeks on Sunday. Cannot wait!! 6 1
Eenuh Posted May 4, 2018 Posted May 4, 2018 (edited) Congrats Blade! You two look great in the pictures! And have lots of fun on your honeymoon! Edited May 4, 2018 by Eenuh 1
bob Posted May 4, 2018 Posted May 4, 2018 Been married a week now...url picture We are currently in London for our honeymoon. Having a meal in the Shard tonight and then we fly to Japan for two weeks on Sunday. Cannot wait!!So jealous. I want to go back! 1
Charlie Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 We've set a date! April 11th, 2020. Just under 2 years to save up for it. Already paid a lot of money just to secure the venue. Expensive business. 2
Ashley Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 6 hours ago, Charlie said: We've set a date! April 11th, 2020. Just under 2 years to save up for it. Already paid a lot of money just to secure the venue. Expensive business. I'll save the date now. 1
bob Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 (edited) @Cube has already pinned it to his fridge. Edited June 2, 2018 by bob 1 1
Blade Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 On 30/05/2018 at 11:39 AM, Charlie said: We've set a date! April 11th, 2020. Just under 2 years to save up for it. Already paid a lot of money just to secure the venue. Expensive business. Tell me about it. I've just had mine. You will have a fantastic day though. The planning (especially the last two months) were so stressful but it will be completely worth it. I found most stressful was dealing with people's opinions. "I think you should invite so and so", "why are you doing it like that, you should do it this way" etc etc. 1
Charlie Posted June 4, 2018 Posted June 4, 2018 On 6/3/2018 at 11:18 AM, Blade said: Tell me about it. I've just had mine. You will have a fantastic day though. The planning (especially the last two months) were so stressful but it will be completely worth it. I found most stressful was dealing with people's opinions. "I think you should invite so and so", "why are you doing it like that, you should do it this way" etc etc. The way I'm planning with dealing with other people's opinions is "thanks that's a great idea" regardless of what it is and then most likely ignoring it. I'll keep you posted with how that goes...
bob Posted June 4, 2018 Posted June 4, 2018 The way I'm planning with dealing with other people's opinions is "thanks that's a great idea" regardless of what it is and then most likely ignoring it. I'll keep you posted with how that goes...That's a great idea! 1 1
Cube Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 So, a couple of updates. Me and "red flag" girl continued chatting, she carried on being flirty (even touching me and stuff like that). A few weeks ago with another couple, and she make a picture of us (that makes us look like a couple) as her cover picture on Facebook. I then asked about meeting up and try talking about us...and she proceed to say that she only sees me as a friend. A few days later she's talking to me on Facebook, she mentions that we were starting work at the same time, I carry on the conversation. Then she gets pissy and complains that I didn't offer to go out of my way to walk with her to work. At that point I realised that I really can't be bothered with her at all any more. She just wants to use me to make her feel good. Meanwhile, someone else at work jokingly suggested that me and another girl should get together because we're both "really nice people" and deserve someone nice. This girl mentioned to me that she was interested in playing board games (and also wanted to see my cats) and I said she would be welcome any time...although at first she thought I was joking. I properly invited her and she came over on Monday and enjoyed it. Then our mutual friend suggested I properly ask her out and said that she wants to see a film, so I asked about that, she said yes. Yesterday I then also asked her if she wanted to grab some food first, and last night she asked if I also wanted to grab a drink afterwards.And this time it seems a lot more natural and positive and not a "because anything is better than nothing" situation like the red flag girl. 6 1
Happenstance Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 When someone is known as "red flag" girl......that should be a red flag right there. 2
Cube Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 15 minutes ago, Happenstance said: When someone is known as "red flag" girl......that should be a red flag right there. That was based on comments from a few pages ago, not something she's known as in person. 1
Cube Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Date went really well, we chatted a lot, held hands throughout most of the film and she kissed me on the cheek as she hugged me goodbye. We have a pub quiz in Wednesday and we're going on more dates. 6 1
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