How was your day?

[Dante]

I just noticed that i have been eatting the halloween sweets for the kiddy tomorrow.

[gaggle64]

Ok day, just getting on with college and stuff. Feeling a bit tired this week, must be just the winter blues. I hope my student loan finally gets in tomorrow, then I'll have my day off with a brand spanking new 360. I at least want it by the end of the week. Come on SLC, whats your game? "Confirmation of attendance" and all that bull.

[Eenuh]

My great evening turned into a bit of a poopy night since I kinda burst into tears for no reason. Okay I have reasons but I don't feel they're valid enough for the amount of tears I shed. D:

 

Anyway, played more Zelda afterwards. Great temple with some great puzzles. Ah, what would I do without my beloved Zelda games.

[darksnowman]

My great evening turned into a bit of a poopy night since I kinda burst into tears for no reason. Okay I have reasons but I don't feel they're valid enough for the amount of tears I shed. D:

 

Anyway, played more Zelda afterwards. Great temple with some great puzzles. Ah, what would I do without my beloved Zelda games.

 

 

Hey, whats up? And how did your night go?

 

Our little bash was pretty decent... there are photo's and videos on mobilephones and cameras... but who know's if they'll ever make it online. Got a whirl on the new Pro Evo on PS2 and it seemed pretty cack. Aside from that, much sugar was ingested, sparklers and glow sticks were used for mayhem, a pumkin was exploded out in the road... and marshmallows were roasted and melted over a disposible barby that got more than a little help lighting with half a box of fire lighters.

 

Decent on the whole!

[jayseven]

MY DAY. It seems an age ago, but i WENT TO UNI TODAY!!! Was alright. Drank cider later, watched the first several eps of smallville series 6. Watched channel 4 for lots of hours - poker, addictions, football show, stroppy kids... Currently watching ep5 of Supernatural.

 

Wishing the mafia thread was faster as I'm far too damn into it. Realising it's HALLOWEEN TODAY! ... and that the holiday becomes a great excuse to dress up and get drunk the older you get.. and hoping that the party tonight pans out well, and that I don't slap anyone too soon.

 

Also finding that it's taking longer in the mornings to remember that I used to have a girlfriend. Starting to almost chuckle when I remember her. But also still got this whole sleep-disorder thing going. And the alcohol drinking-lots-of thing, too. Tomorrow will make it... a lot of days in a row where I've had at least 15 units.

 

I don't really hate myself. I'm growing to learn that. If I want to blame something, I need to blame the thing that killed me. She still has my fucking dictophone. I wonder what the shop near me thinks, I only go in there to buy booze, tobacco or tins of food. At least they're starting to realise I don't need a bag.

 

Shaving helped. Suddenly started to realise that beards aren't that attractive - especially when they're not fully formed. Also, greasy hair is a bad. As is smelly. Freaking out at the thought of ever bringing a girl home to the pit that I call BED, but always finding comfort in teh fact that I know I will not be in the situation to ever talk to one for.. well... the forseeable future. So that half-full can of cider that's sitting on top of my stolen harry potter book, that's been there since my second week in this flat, can remain to be the ridiculous self-projection that I claim to see each time I notice it.

 

Took down the birthday cards. The home-made valentines and the heart-felt christmas cards today. Didn't even look at them as I did it. Molded the blu-tac into the shape of a brain above my light switch to remind myself to think in the mornings.

 

I hate how my reflection gets uglier as I get further away from the mirror. Makes me hate how everyone must see me in teh street. Mastered the art of avoiding my own eye contact. Learnt to brush my teeth without looking. Probably gotten a lot more plaque because of it.

 

Recognising age, and the genuine one-way nature of it, and seeing all my missed chances even in those a year younger than me, and just feeling numb because it was too late to do anything about it even when I was that age. Stopped believeing that the two years with her was a waste of my life, and started realising that life is continuously wasting away, that we don't become some perfect ideal of ourselves... we're always some shelled, degraded version of what we want to be, and happiness with that is just not looking in the mirror for months at a time - or at least pretending you're flossing someone elses teeth when you do glimpse the stranger in teh bathroom.

 

Feeling apologetic about the things nobody notices, or at most choose to ignore. But it's ok. Nobody forced me to say it, and nobody forced you to read it. And nobody cares.

[nekunando]

Hey, whats up? And how did your night go?

 

Our little bash was pretty decent... there are photo's and videos on mobilephones and cameras... but who know's if they'll ever make it online. Got a whirl on the new Pro Evo on PS2 and it seemed pretty cack. Aside from that, much sugar was ingested, sparklers and glow sticks were used for mayhem, a pumkin was exploded out in the road... and marshmallows were roasted and melted over a disposible barby that got more than a little help lighting with half a box of fire lighters.

 

Decent on the whole!

 

It was a good night for sure. I enjoyed Pro Evo 2008 but it wasn't anything that couldn't have been done on PES 6. Bring on Pro Evo Wii!

 

Anyway, a few pictures of the evening to highlight some of the 'madness'..

 

 

 

 

[The Bard]

Jesus, jay, that's so depressing it reads like something I'd write after a bad day on the bottle. Calm down lad, sometimes things seem a lot worse than they are, especially when you're on the downers.

 

It's gon ta be a great day! = D

[jayseven]

lol :P actually i'm rather looking forward to the waking day - fancy dress parties are always an excuse to make yourself whoever you want to be. Truth be told, this is a good day on the bottle. The shave SERIOUSLY helped. You don't want to read what I write on a bad day on the bottle.

 

Writing always helps, though. Get it out there, put it down in words, and you can see it and you can break it down and make a new path.

 

But sometimes things really are as bad as they seem.

 

You know, I've always had this dream, this ideal future of mine that I am somehow destined to have some sort of secure job, a loving wife and a kid or two that are just perfect. But that's just not guarenteed. That's barely even likely. Any possible dream or future is so easily ruined by just one simple act of NOT BOTHERING - but the great thing is you know exactly where you'll be each time you give up.

 

And it just gets to the point where giving up is actually so fucking easy! It's not giving up, it's not breaking down, it's not anything at all. Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

 

You know what I hate about sleeping? I mean don't get me wrong, I fucking love sleeping. I love dreaming, I love being apart from reality - It's the waking up. The first few times you open your eyes you can pretend the dream is still going, you can fake your way through it and resume your fantasy... But at some point, either you'll dream about that girl, or that moment in your life which you've labelled as the Major Fuck Up, and you just can't sleep anymore. That moment a few seconds after you open your eyes when you remember. You remember who you are, why your life sucks and why it won't change anytime soon.

 

I live to avoid that moment, because it's always the first of many. SO yeah, stay up 'til at least 4 each night, six hours sleep is usually enough for my body but I always need ten or twelve to ease my mind out and back in. That leaves five-to-seven hours to shake and quiver and panic through crowded rooms and streets until I crack open a new bottle, drink myself into a creative coma, drown my senses in the audio-visual world of whatever tv series I'm flooding myself with tomorrow, hook myself on something, anything, that takes my mind away and rinse and repeat.

 

So I don't ever want to go to sleep if it will require more than 15 minutes to lose my consciousness. It merges the days, but that's alright. Makes them seem more significant. Makes the passing of time count for more.

 

Plus obviously as an english student, it provides lots of tasty creative juice!

[darksnowman]

I wouldn't know about how it is being an English student Jay, but from what you've said lad, I can relate to ALOT of it.

 

That wakening up part of the day is just so poor if its been a night when you've dreamt that things are different.

 

Maybe typing/ writing/ saying stuff is good but sometimes I find that when you do that and voice your wordless inner feelings, you can't actually find the words that fit. And then you confine the truth of how you feel to words that really don't convey what you mean at all, because there are really just not the words in the dictionary that you need! And it dwarfs the truth of how you feel, and makes it alot less significant than how it really is to you.

 

But its not like if you actually had the right words at your disposal that anyone would be able to understand you anyway. The sheer enormity of the situation is too much for words and too much for anyone else to begin comprehending!

 

Bah, life.

[jayseven]

Truth is that the utter insignificance of my inner turmoils to anyone and everything else just adds to the misery, which adds to the self-awareness of my own selfishness and stupidity and arrogance, which adds to the self-hate, which adds to the troubles... and so on, and so on.

 

I keep having recurring dreams, where I somehow bump into her, usually at least one of us with a friend, shopping or smething, and at first she's all smitten to see me and she tries to hug and kiss me - but I don't let her. I tell her to stop, that this is wrong - then she ignores me, goes off and I can't see her but I can sense that she's perfectly fine... So I try to find her and talk to her, try in that stupid mannish way to put into words exactly what I think is going on and exactly how I want things to progress from here, and exactly what I want to know from her - how she feels about me, other guys, her life without me, etc... But when I find her it's as if I'm trying to kiss her and she's having none of it - just ignoring me... And she points over my shoulder to some non-descript object (last time was a heart with a skull in it) and says that THAT is what I should be looking for.

 

So yeah, those dreams aren't great.. but the dreams where somehow everything is a game and I'm playing, don't know if i'm winning but somehow the game itself is worth the play alone, is always worth sleeping for.

 

And of course, you can never find the right words. There's always far too many strings attached to each word you put down, to each thought that is biting away at you, that you can never put them all down seamlessly and sensibly... but that's why when I start, I tend not to stop for a while. In many senses, the joke of writing this down for other people to read is enough to accept that I'm even thinking about it - and thus the complete benignity of it all comes to be an insignificance... Even though you don't know exactly what i'm feeling (and even though I know you do at least a bit :P), somehow I know myself that little bit more for pouring out in this way.

 

Besides, I do choose my words half-carefully, holding back the stuff I don't actually want to tell you - and that leaves me with the control - with the missing jigsaw pieces so I can turn around to any interpretation and say "yes I can see why you think that - but of course I know the missing details, and you don't, and that's why you don't and won't understand, but that's ok because i know that you won't because I've got the missing pieces."

 

AND STUFF, JEEZ. WHINEWHINEWHINE.

[darksnowman]

I just wanna pick up on your opening paragraph there man. Everything happening to you is really the last thing anyone else is worried about whether you know them or not. No matter whats happening inside you and whats happening in your life, well... the world moves on everyday regardless. And that sucks too because my life is significant dammit! It should be on the news that I'm stuck behind some big huge block (inside me) and everyone should know. If I'm at an all time low inside, then people shouldn't be able to go about there daily lives just as ignorantly and normal as ever. And you know what? There should be someone out there wise enough that should be able to give me the right words, the right advice to get past this block, to refind some kind of self-contentedness, to help me see that the future is gonna be a happy place to get to.

 

But when it boils down to it, you're alone. You might have friends and maybe great ones, but I'd guess that they couldn't truly understand what you're going through because no matter how great they are, they ultimately are more worried with themselves... just the way you and I would be happy to find someone lower down than us. Thats how it works.

 

(Its the same when someone close to you dies, your world screams to a halt, and to a certain extent those close to you. But the big bad world spins relentlessly on and doesn't care in the slightest.)

 

Bleurgh!! What are we whinging on about our cryptic inner feelings for online? We should get a psychiatrist and give our typing fingers a rest and let the tongue do some of the communicating for once. Well hey, I suppose N-E is a lot cheaper than seeing a shrink.

[My Buttons are Magic!]

yesterday was crap

today is gonna be crap

 

tonight will rock the house

[Strider]

Well last night/ this morning was eventful.

 

I went to the 6th form halloween party thing with Moogleviper. Was pretty good overall He got smashed (Which i have several videos of :P) as did alot of people.

 

And this morning i went on a driving lesson. I didn't think about the party the nigth before when i booked it. Half way through i was going into the dream world, luckly i didn't crash... I only had two, ahh can't remember the name.

[Hellfire]

So far I overslept and missed school. Which is good in a way, but mostly bad.

[gaggle64]

Everyone's feeling a bit emotional as we enter the winter months I see. I sometimes wish I had a bit more emotional input and output. I often feel like a robot, just generally getting on with things happily enough and never really wondering why or what for. Life can get a bit mundane sometimes.

[Guest Jordan]

But being a robot gives you incredible powers... and ro-nuts.

[Eenuh]

Hey, whats up? And how did your night go?

 

Our little bash was pretty decent... there are photo's and videos on mobilephones and cameras... but who know's if they'll ever make it online. Got a whirl on the new Pro Evo on PS2 and it seemed pretty cack. Aside from that, much sugar was ingested, sparklers and glow sticks were used for mayhem, a pumkin was exploded out in the road... and marshmallows were roasted and melted over a disposible barby that got more than a little help lighting with half a box of fire lighters.

 

Decent on the whole!

 

My night was pretty nice actually. I had fun. *points to previous page*

And I guess gaggle got it right; the winter blues are striking hard. Basically I feel crappy/emotional for a lot of reasons and no reasons at all (yeah that doesn't make sense).

Even listening to Delilah on the radio just now made me cry; what the hell? D:

 

Anyway, I've finally started some work for school. It's boring, but I have to get it done. Stupid list of assignments keeps staring at me and evilly laughing... >.>;

 

My favourite cousin said she might come over tonight to check how I'm doing. I really hope she comes (she has a bad habit of canceling at the very last minute); it's always great to talk to her and she's also always interested in what I'm doing in school.

[rokhed00]

Feeling like shit, already cried three times today, and feel a fourth coming on.

Have found out that not only if my wife met me for the first time today she would look at me as nothing more than a way of making money, but that despite the childhood trauma my parents imposed on me that what I've been repressing all these years for my own sanity, I was just hiding from her. Shit, there goes number four.

 

Pretty much convinced I'm a manic depressive, I go from crying my heart out to ecstatic so often I can't think of any other reason, it's more than just mood swings.

[AshMat]

Last night was intersting, i learned that i can see the UK's tallest freestanding structure from my house (Emley Moor Mast). And it's thr 3rd tallest structure all together in the UK.

 

Also, it's taller than the Eiffell tower, interesting.

[darksnowman]

Basically I feel crappy/emotional for a lot of reasons and no reasons at all (yeah that doesn't make sense).

Even listening to Delilah on the radio just now made me cry; what the hell? D:

 

...already cried three times today, and feel a fourth coming on... there goes number four.

 

Pretty much convinced I'm a manic depressive, I go from crying my heart out to ecstatic so often I can't think of any other reason, it's more than just mood swings.

 

Dammit guys, the kettles on. Tell Uncle Snow here all about it.

[Zell]

Alright actually. I did good, not great, but good in my Oxford admissions test. I also got an offer (pretty much) from UCL.

[rokhed00]

Dammit guys, the kettles on. Tell Uncle Snow here all about it.

 

You don't want to know, I don't want to know, if there was some sort of brain wiping device I'd be using it on myself every day at the moment.

[Guest Stefkov]

Went to work again. Played Zelda and got a phone call.

I never answer phone calls when it's withheld name or just a number.

Don't see the point in answering...

[Marshmellow]

Got two T-Shirts, Blood Diamond on Blu-Ray, 4 boxes of my favorite cereal, $300, and a pre-ordered Rock Band for my birthday.

 

It's a good day.

[Ashley]

MY DAY. It seems an age ago, but i WENT TO UNI TODAY!!! Was alright. Drank cider later, watched the first several eps of smallville series 6. Watched channel 4 for lots of hours - poker, addictions, football show, stroppy kids... Currently watching ep5 of Supernatural.

 

Wishing the mafia thread was faster as I'm far too damn into it. Realising it's HALLOWEEN TODAY! ... and that the holiday becomes a great excuse to dress up and get drunk the older you get.. and hoping that the party tonight pans out well, and that I don't slap anyone too soon.

 

Also finding that it's taking longer in the mornings to remember that I used to have a girlfriend. Starting to almost chuckle when I remember her. But also still got this whole sleep-disorder thing going. And the alcohol drinking-lots-of thing, too. Tomorrow will make it... a lot of days in a row where I've had at least 15 units.

 

I don't really hate myself. I'm growing to learn that. If I want to blame something, I need to blame the thing that killed me. She still has my fucking dictophone. I wonder what the shop near me thinks, I only go in there to buy booze, tobacco or tins of food. At least they're starting to realise I don't need a bag.

 

Shaving helped. Suddenly started to realise that beards aren't that attractive - especially when they're not fully formed. Also, greasy hair is a bad. As is smelly. Freaking out at the thought of ever bringing a girl home to the pit that I call BED, but always finding comfort in teh fact that I know I will not be in the situation to ever talk to one for.. well... the forseeable future. So that half-full can of cider that's sitting on top of my stolen harry potter book, that's been there since my second week in this flat, can remain to be the ridiculous self-projection that I claim to see each time I notice it.

 

Took down the birthday cards. The home-made valentines and the heart-felt christmas cards today. Didn't even look at them as I did it. Molded the blu-tac into the shape of a brain above my light switch to remind myself to think in the mornings.

 

I hate how my reflection gets uglier as I get further away from the mirror. Makes me hate how everyone must see me in teh street. Mastered the art of avoiding my own eye contact. Learnt to brush my teeth without looking. Probably gotten a lot more plaque because of it.

 

Recognising age, and the genuine one-way nature of it, and seeing all my missed chances even in those a year younger than me, and just feeling numb because it was too late to do anything about it even when I was that age. Stopped believeing that the two years with her was a waste of my life, and started realising that life is continuously wasting away, that we don't become some perfect ideal of ourselves... we're always some shelled, degraded version of what we want to be, and happiness with that is just not looking in the mirror for months at a time - or at least pretending you're flossing someone elses teeth when you do glimpse the stranger in teh bathroom.

 

Feeling apologetic about the things nobody notices, or at most choose to ignore. But it's ok. Nobody forced me to say it, and nobody forced you to read it. And nobody cares.

 

Anyone else kinda read that as a poem?

 

My day. Average working day. I have The Simpsons on Wii but cannot play it until I get home the wee hours of Friday morning. Can't find anything for my mom's birthday. And not doing anything tonight as all my friends are back home as its reading week. Fun.

 

Although I am looking forward to new episodes of Nip/Tuck and Pushing Daisies to watch