Sexuality Thread

[ReZourceman]

Spreda out around the internet, fine, go ahead, whatever. But theres no need to post it in every thread on here

 

It was relevantnat to all three. Fuckin.

[Slaggis]

This kind of fits in here, I suppose. Anyway. Whilst at leeds fest, I got to know a girl I'd not spoken to in about 2 or 3 years. We used to be best mates, but had just fallen in with different crowds. We were out one night whilst there, and her boyfriend comes over all like "Can I have a word" (With her) and starts going off on one about her hanging around with me. She constantly repeats the fact I'd be more interested in him than her and yet he doesn't listen. It carried on the next day, and I get stuff shouted at me about supposedly "stealing" her away from him. She just messaged me saying she "made the call" and it's over.

 

I just can't help but love the fact that some supposedly manly guy considered her utterly gay friend a threat. I can't fathom why a straight guy would be that insecure with themselves. Actually don't get it at all.

[bluey]

He was late because the bus was late. Therefore the George is a bus? No. The typical UK individual is white. TRUFAX.

 

you've obviously never been on a bus in south west london @__@

i truly believe i was the only white person within about a mile radius..

[ReZourceman]

This kind of fits in here, I suppose. Anyway. Whilst at leeds fest, I got to know a girl I'd not spoken to in about 2 or 3 years. We used to be best mates, but had just fallen in with different crowds. We were out one night whilst there, and her boyfriend comes over all like "Can I have a word" (With her) and starts going off on one about her hanging around with me. She constantly repeats the fact I'd be more interested in him than her and yet he doesn't listen. It carried on the next day, and I get stuff shouted at me about supposedly "stealing" her away from him. She just messaged me saying she "made the call" and it's over.

 

I just can't help but love the fact that some supposedly manly guy considered her utterly gay friend a threat. I can't fathom why a straight guy would be that insecure with themselves. Actually don't get it at all.

 

Sounds like there were deeper seeded problems there, and you were just the catalyst.

 

 

 

So you're essentially responsible. Home wrecker.

[Gizmo]

This kind of fits in here, I suppose. Anyway. Whilst at leeds fest, I got to know a girl I'd not spoken to in about 2 or 3 years. We used to be best mates, but had just fallen in with different crowds. We were out one night whilst there, and her boyfriend comes over all like "Can I have a word" (With her) and starts going off on one about her hanging around with me. She constantly repeats the fact I'd be more interested in him than her and yet he doesn't listen. It carried on the next day, and I get stuff shouted at me about supposedly "stealing" her away from him. She just messaged me saying she "made the call" and it's over.

 

I just can't help but love the fact that some supposedly manly guy considered her utterly gay friend a threat. I can't fathom why a straight guy would be that insecure with themselves. Actually don't get it at all.

 

I thought you were insistant that you were bi? I remember I referred to you as gay and got a lecture for it.

[Daft]

you've obviously never been on a bus in south west london @__@

i truly believe i was the only white person within about a mile radius..

 

South West? I suspect you mean the South East. (And when you say London I'm assuming you mean within Zone 2, everything beyond is filler) Having lived in both, I can easily say,

 

Fulham/Kensington/Chelsea couldn't be more white if they tried.

Camberwell/Brixton/Peckham are the opposites but not that extreme.

Edited September 3, 2009 by Daft

[MoogleViper]

I thought you were insistant that you were bi? I remember I referred to you as gay and got a lecture for it.

 

This and I thought that you hadn't told many people?

[Daft]

I thought you were insistant that you were bi?

 

Have you read the music thread?

 

I jest! Peace out!

[Chris the great]

so i might be going speed dating. not exactly sexuality based but still.

 

 

await my tale of social awkwardness and walking away with no numbers.

[Fierce_LiNk]

so i might be going speed dating. not exactly sexuality based but still.

 

 

await my tale of social awkwardness and walking away with no numbers.

 

Speed dating does sound like something that is worth trying, even if it's just to say that you've experience it.

 

You're bound to meet some interesting people, and it may also help you develop your confidence further to speak to randomers.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

I want to try speed dating simply for the heck of it. The concept sounds like it could be fun just to try.

[Fierce_LiNk]

I want to try speed dating simply for the heck of it. The concept sounds like it could be fun just to try.

 

I wanted to do it quite a few years back, as a friend was going to give it a try. The only thing that stopped us was that we were told you had to be at least 21 in order to do it. So, sadly, we never did it.

 

I've also missed the boat again as now I am not single anymore. Maybe you could attach a camera to your face when you do it, Danny, so I can see what it's all about.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

I wanted to do it quite a few years back, as a friend was going to give it a try. The only thing that stopped us was that we were told you had to be at least 21 in order to do it. So, sadly, we never did it.

 

I've also missed the boat again as now I am not single anymore. Maybe you could attach a camera to your face when you do it, Danny, so I can see what it's all about.

Relevant question: How long do you get with each person? Because I think I need some time to explain the camera strapped to my face.

 

Also, I'm still only 18, so it's gonna have to wait.

[Fierce_LiNk]

Relevant question: How long do you get with each person? Because I think I need some time to explain the camera strapped to my face.

 

Also, I'm still only 18, so it's gonna have to wait.

 

What the hell, dude? Grow fassssteeeer.

 

I'd expect it would differ between each speed-dating group...location...thing. Probably around 5-10 minutes, as I expect that there are a fair few people you need to get around.

 

Also, I bet it's quite short, so to keep the pace up. Sit down, start talking, get into the conversation quickly, not enough time for awkward silences. In that case, 10 minutes might be a bit too long.

[Slaggis]

I thought you were insistant that you were bi? I remember I referred to you as gay and got a lecture for it.

 

Less a lecture, more a fact you referred to me as something I at the time genuinely thought I was not. But, if you took offence to such, I really do apologise.

 

 

So you're essentially responsible. Home wrecker.

 

I oddly loved this. I saw her tonight and she was genuinely so happy it happened.

Edited September 5, 2009 by Slaggis
Automerged Doublepost

[weeyellowbloke]

so i might be going speed dating. not exactly sexuality based but still.

 

 

await my tale of social awkwardness and walking away with no numbers.

 

Good luck with that. It is quite fun, but don't drink before hand to steady the nerves. That's what I did at Glastonbury and halfway through I desperately needed a piss. So during a number of turns I think I looked incredibly distracted and fidgety. Finally I had to give in and run off as I couldn't hold it in much longer. Smooth.

[Fused King]

How does one love and how does one find him/herslef worthy of it?

[Gizmo]

Less a lecture, more a fact you referred to me as something I at the time genuinely thought I was not. But, if you took offence to such, I really do apologise.

 

So you now consider yourself gay? Ie, you're now exclusively interested in men?

[nightwolf]

How does one love and how does one find him/herslef worthy of it?

 

I can't answer the first, but I belive the second is usually determined by the loved rather than the lover.

[Daft]

I belive the second is usually determined by the loved rather than the lover.

 

Wouldn't it be the other way around?

[nightwolf]

Wouldn't it be the other way around?

 

Well no the question was how do you deem yourself worthy of love, my answer was that the person who may love you is the person who determines that rather than you turning around and going 'yes I am this this and this, therefore I must be worthy of somebodies love'

 

Although yes I suppose you could argue that if you enter a relationship or form connection with somebody that you believe you are worthy of it. But really this side tends to be more of a belief of being able to be loved, to believe you are a person somebody can love.

 

I suppose it stands entirely on your viewpoint of yourself on the second view.

[Daft]

Well no the question was how do you deem yourself worthy of love, my answer was that the person who may love you is the person who determines that rather than you turning around and going 'yes I am this this and this, therefore I must be worthy of somebodies love'

 

lol, na. This is what I was thinking. I just read it wrong.

[nightwolf]

lol, na. This is what I was thinking. I just read it wrong.

 

Ah! Haha, I make a decent argument (for once) and after all that I didn't have to, damn you!

[Slaggis]

So you now consider yourself gay? Ie, you're now exclusively interested in men?

 

Interested as in only wanting something more with them and not women? Yes. I still find women attractive (But again, not in a wanting more way), but then there's certain women that I genuinely find massively attractive and totally...would. :p

 

That whole sentence wasn't asked for, but what the hell.

[Gizmo]

This seems like the most appropriate place to put this.

 

Forgive me for indulging in a bit of a rant, but it's something I would like to vent; I'm usually quite private with stuff like this so it might turn out quite half hearted but I will try and get it into a post-able state, and do so.

 

I seriously recommend checking the length and considering whether you can be bothered to read it all.

 

Basically, why the hell do people drink?

 

For the last few months I've been thinking to myself that I should really improve my social life. I'd been kinda drifting along, my sister (admittedly 2 years older, but still) going out every single Friday and Saturday night and me never doing anything. I could feel how my parents were looking at me and noticing this "loser" ethic I seemed to have built up. I've always been capable of school, I mean in my exams last year I got straight A's at (the easy) Standard Grade and Int2 levels, and this year I've gotten straight As at the more difficult Highers, all the while barely making any effort in studying or anything. So I was kinda pigeonholed into this mould, and I didn't like it; it wasn't how I wanted to be perceived. So gradually over the last few months I've been trying to expand my horizons and have sort of gotten into a couple of social groups whereby I may be invited to these parties and stuff thats happening. I went to one, open invite party, which was kinda fun but all in all a rubbish party. I was just glad of the experience. Some more time passed, and I continued my efforts.

 

Recently I've been seeing improvements. I was invited to a birthday house party, which was a "surprise" party for one of my friends who is (so far as I can tell) in a similar mood about life as me. She becomes important later. It was a no alcohol party, and it was pretty boring, but I was glad to have gone as it further got me into this group of people. I had another invite the following week to a get together of this group, though I didn't go as I was working that day. Since then, I haven't had much from this group again, but I'm still sort of "in" and I think for most people I would be invited to the parties.

 

Anyway, this weekend I was invited to an 18th birthday party (of someone I knew, but not well; I went because there were people from the aforementioned group going). This party was great; talking to friends, messing around, generally having a good time. I had a half drunk discussion about socialism for gods sake. Then, 3/4s through this party, me and girl-from-before find ourselves sitting together, trying not to watch another friend "getting to know" someone else.

 

Now, important girl; She is someone I've always had a thing for. I asked her out 3 years ago, and was turned down. I took this, and after a while, moved on. We became reasonably good friends, but for me there has always been something else just under the surface that I have suppressed for those 3 years. Indeed, a mutual friend tried to suggest "setting us up", but both of us rubbished this and said just friends; though I, underneath, kinda liked the idea. Indeed, I am now trying to angle myself into asking out another girl, who is also on the outskirts of the group, who is good friends with important-girl. I am going to the school dance with her, though officially it is "as friends". This dance is in around 4 weeks time, and I have been pondering asking her out properly beforehand, or possibly making a move at the dance, or something else, for some time.

 

I feel like I'm giving my life story here, but I am somewhat enjoying letting this all out and letting everyone see how pathetic and useless I am. I have moved beyond the point of caring.

 

Anyway, back to Saturday night. As you probably guessed from my earlier description before I went off on a rather large tangent, me and her kissed. Both of us were very drunk, and sitting there talking, me with my arm around her back and her my chest, head resting on my shoulder; me thinking nothing of it in my drunken stupor. It was her who moved in, though I of course did nothing to stop it. I was just realising what was happening, and beginning to enjoy it, when she pulled away. We remained seated with my arm around her for about 30 seconds, when she leaned in and we again kissed.

 

(as pathetic as this is, this was my first proper kiss. I'm 17 tomorrow)

 

This second kiss was far shorter, and lasted only about 10 seconds. Again, she pulled away, and immediately left, saying nothing. I did not follow her; I was recovering from the suddeness of it, and considering the implications, all the while being absolutely leathered. I avoided her the rest of the night. The fact that she had ran away suggested something, though at the time I did not have the mental acuity to decipher it. I spent the rest of the party attempting to do so, being counselled by about 4 other people, which was all very positive. A very good learning experience for me, though not one I had expected.

 

Sunday I spent in my bed. The hangover combined with my tiredness from paintballing that same day restricted me to it. In the afternoon, I got a text from her, saying "That was just a drunk kiss, right?"

 

Infact, here is a rough transcript of the text conversation:

 

Her:"That was just a drunk kiss, right?"

Me:"You tell me"

Her:"It was just a drunk kiss too me. Why, what was it to you?"

 

At this point my patience, strained over three years, wore out.

 

Me:"My view on it is this: My primary concern is our friendship. I don't want it to ruin that. But you probably already knew that for me ther was always potentially something else bubbling underneath. I leave it up to you. If it meant something to you, great, if not, thats fine. It doesn't have to be a big deal. There was obviously something that made you do it, indeed, do it twice; but it's up to you to decide what that was. Just don't let it become a big thing"

Her:"I was drunk and cant really remember what happened. I was just having fun, but I dont like you in that way at all. Sorry if I led you on but I dont have feelings for you, I was just drunk"

Me:"Okay, thats fine then. No big deal. See you Monday"

 

As far as I was concerned, the matter was over at this point. There would inevitably be some tlak of it at school, "X+Y kissed, oooh, whats happening there?" but I assumed we would laugh it off and call it a drunken accident. As she walked in to class Monday morning, I offered my hand for a traditional high five in a sort of peace offering, lets put it past us kinda way. But she turned her head and ran away from me. This set the tone for the day; I spent all day getting talk from other guys of "well done, I hear you got into her, nice one" and I was spending all day rebutting, saying it was her who initiated things. From girls, I was getting the pity treatment; "how are you? I hear you and her kissed..." and again, I was trying to make clear that I was not bothered by her reaction. I have unfortunately become accustomed to it, and I did not want this to become a big deal and compromise my whatever small, tiny, minute potential chance I had with the other girl.

 

I would understand if, had I made the move, she would feel uncomfortable around me. But I do not understand her reaction given that she made the move and I have made it clear to her I did not want it to be a big deal, and that I was in no way hurt by her later rejection. It has only made things worse, and I fear that this may now hurt anything I do in regards to the other girl. Will she feel like I am only making a move on her because I was rejected? Will she feel that she does not want to do anything given the proximity to what has happened? Does she even like me in the first place? I'm feeling so frustrated about it; I seem to have become the bad guy in what happened. She kissed me, not the other way around. So why do I feel like it's all my fault? I was supposed to resist the kiss, considering I was drunk and liked her in the first place? I'm unlikely to do that if she made the move in the first place despite not liking me; if shes drunk enough to do that, I'm too drunk to stop it. I feel like I need to talk to her properly, no text messaging or bullshit like that. But I get the feeling that's not going to happen. I just don't understand her reaction at all. Is it to do with the fact that I told her I have always had feelings for her? I find this unlikely; she easily identified that I liked the other girl simply from my behaviour, so must have had an inkling on it beforehand. And why did she manage to text me on Sunday, then be completely unable to talk to me on Monday, especially considering I had made it clear I wanted only to downplay the whole damn thing? The reaction I was expecting was of the two of us laughing it off; of me suggesting she tell the other girl how good a kisser I am, and for me to laugh about how she never gave me the time to take in what was happening. But there was not a hint of this at all.

 

Saturday I am going to a small party for another mutual friend who is having a "movie night" for her birthday. A small amount of alcohol, and only about 20 of us. At this party, theres no way for me to avoid her, and the other girl I am interested in will be at this one. If things are not resolved by Saturday, I fear things will get much worse. I am really angry about this. I found myself unable to eat Sunday night thinking about things, and that was before I saw her reaction. Despite having had virtually no food all of Sunday and no breakfast on Monday, I found myself force feeding myself lunch simply because I felt weak. I had no appetite.

 

Of course, all this would be solved in a moment if I were to ask out the other girl, get a yes, and then have an amazing time on Saturday sitting with a beer (not enough to get drunk; just enough to get social, is the supposed limit of alcohol at the Saturday party) and her, with the previous issue resolved. Of course, this will never happen. It's inevitable it will be an issue, in both the party and the other girl. And I don't even know if the other girl likes me or not; she probably doesn't, considering much of her behaviour towards me is similar to important-girls. Plus, if I were to ask her out, and be rejected again, I would feel so fucking empty. Just thinking of that posibility makes me scared: I fear I may do something dumb in that case. Just the Saturday incident has made me angry enough about everything to discard my previous private nature and post this epic warhorse of a post. I don't think I've ever posted more than 3 paragraphs in General Chit Chat before. I have felt for some time that I wanted either things to improve: ie, get with one of the two girls, and improve my social life, or for something drastic to happen so that I could decide to fuck it all and stop worrying about everything. If I could stop worrying about what everyone thought, about fitting in, about improving my life: such a weight would be lifted. I would have a shit life, and would have to endure the consequences of it for the next 15months as I finish my school career and move on to University, but it would feel so good at the time. This middleground I have been living in the last few months fucking sucks. This incident has pushed me towards the "fuck it all" option, but girl 2 still exists and is the only thing stopping me doing something really dumb. That, and my strong desire for the university lifestyle that I have idealised for some time, keeps me from doing something dumb. I have had thoughts in the past that without the University thing keeping me going, if all I had to look forward to was another 6 years of High School, I would either

 

a) do whatever the fuck I want, regardless of what laws I may be breaking. I'm thinking rape of whatever girl I fucking want, murder of any cunt I feel like, theft, arson, anything.

b) Pack my shit up, give my current life what for and have an epic speech at everyone at school one day. Really fucking unleash, and then just leave. Move out of my house, get as far away as I can, and try and make something else work. The less appealing option, but the more realistic.

 

In reality though, I would never do either of these; my hopes for the future force me to endure these shitty times. Yes, it's no actual real problem. It's hormonal, meaningless, teenage problems. I've probably come across as a right whiny little shite, especially in the last few paragraphs. But I've been wanting to let all my thoughts out for so long; and this has finally pushed me over the edge and made me do it. Maybe I will feel awful tomorrow when everything resolves, and I have unveiled my true character on here. Maybe I'll feel so much better; talking about things is meant to make you feel better, right? I haven't held back a single thing. I have never, ever let even the most remote mention outside my own thoughts of option a) before, not even to online people who I talk to alot about. But I have decided I want to get it out of my head. Perhaps a shrink would help; it would have a greater effect than this, but it's not something I would want to do as it means making public in real life, not the internet, the fact that I have these problems that I want help with. I overheard my parents discussing the fact that I spent all of yesterday not eating, and in my bed; admitting to them I want psychatric help would not be a pleasant experience. I have not yet been pushed that far.

 

While typing this, about half way through the previous paragraph, I received a text from her. "Sorry if I was being a dick, I didn't mean too". I shall reply with "I don't see why it needs to be a big deal. Why can't we laugh about it? Theres no need to pretend it didn't happen, but equally no need to give it any sort of meaning. We were drunk; drunk people do stupid things." Should this text resolve the issue as I hope, this post will have been done in unnecessary haste. If it is though, I still feel happy I have finally typed this all out. I have tried to in the past, but every time I sat down to do it after quiet thoughts in the shower or whatever I lose confidence. Finally getting this all down, though it has taken me around an hour to do, feels good, at least for now.

 

My reply to her came out alot longer than the above, but I am too lazy to type it up after all of this. Essentially, I summarised my view on it as I have done here, saying I dont attach any importance to it and that we should laugh about it, and ask her what she is attaching to it that is causing her different reaction. We shall see.

 

 

I think that's pretty much everything. I didn't mean to ramble so much, but I wanted to get it all down, every single bit of it. I wonder if this forum has a maximum message limit? Because if so, I think I've exceeded it. In fact, I'll spoiler all but this part. Forgive any typing errors; I'm too lazy to proof read.

 

If anybody, honestly, reads all of that, I will owe you a beer, and if we ever meet, promise to pay the debt.

 

Edit: Wordcount tells me that that is 2880 words of pure teenage hormones. But like I said, it has been building for a long time: I needed to let it out eventually, and feel much better for doing so.

 

This story has moved on really far since this post. Reading over it again is weird, remembering how I felt back then. I made so much of the fact that it didn't bother me if she liked me or not, but in reality, it really did. I've always liked this girl.

 

I'll give the short version this time though.

 

Basically the whole incident above has been forgotten about and we have become close friends again. We were on a school camp/trip thing over the weekend, designed as a "team-building" weekend for the top year of the school. During this, me and her talked and played around alot. Once again I was getting that feeling that maybe she does like me. It's a vicious cycle that keeps happening. It's not like she acts the same around other guys; so far as I can tell, it's just me who she loosens up and messes around with.

 

So once again now I feel those same feelings coming back.

 

On the bus back I was sat beside the "mutal friend" I mentioned in the previous post, and we somehow came around to the subject (parties > alcohol > things it makes you do > me and her). This mutual friend had seen the two of us mucking about, teasing each other, making fun of each other, etc. and had independantly decided that she wanted to talk to her about me. So clearly, others are noticing the connection that I feel myself. As I said, I've always tried to hide the depth of my feelings for her, but I decided I wanted to try and explain it properly to Naomi (mutual friend), and between my halftruths and my bodylanguage I'm pretty sure she worked out how I really feel. She even said at one point "I can tell it does bother you". I suggested she talk to her for me, but she said she had already decided for herslef that she was gonna do that.

 

Increasingly I'm finding myself thinking that she has liked me deep down all along, but has been scared of a relationship. She's never been in a real one in all the time I've known her - once she agreed to start dating a friend of mine, but then changed her mind a day later. I don't know the full story of how and why, but at some point in her past, her father died. It seems to me as if shes grown a suspicion towards relationships, scared that if she allows herself to really care for someone it will hurt her if that person left her / something happened to them. Maybe I'm getting too deep about it.

 

Naomi is gonna talk to her about it though. She mentioned that she spoke to her about it before, and was told "but we're friends, what if something happens". I get the feeling Naomi's got the same ideas I do, and is going to convince her that getting into a relationship is a positive thing. If Naomi can convince her of that, and I can then get a proper, deep conversation with her explaining my position, I think something might happen. But even if it does, I'll have to be really careful and take it slow.

 

That wasn't much of a short version, really. But I could have had another 3000 words I'm sure.

 

---

 

Why do I care so much for this girl? I don't know what it is. I'm sure everyone has someone like that, don't they?. Someone that they just care for, I'm tempted to use the word love, but they just can't explain why. It's just there, and always will be.