ipaul Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 I don't undertand when I feel I should. A man stands up in a bar and loudly proclaims: 'All Lawyers are assholes!' A different guy from across the bar also stands up and says: 'Hey, I resent that!' 'Why, are you a lawyer?' 'No, I'm an asshole.' Also, wtf is wrong with liking Bjork? Tasteless fools :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoogleViper Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 A man walks into a bakers and asks, "Can I have a loaf of white bread please?" The baker replies, "Sorry we've only got brown left." The man says, "That's ok I've left me bike outside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drahkon Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 To see the expression on its face. With a blender. With tortilla chips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoogleViper Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 To see the expression on its face. With a blender. With tortilla chips. Ripping them off again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 I don't understand why people think my Dads are gay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcj metroid Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 (edited) I usually find REALLY shit jokes funny.. 1-Q. Why have Taliban woman been waxing their muff? A. Because they hate Bush.. 2-There were 2 eggs frying in a pan one of the egss says to the other "gee its pretty hot in here" The other one looks back and says "OMG! a talking egg!" 3-A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following: - 1 bar of soap - 1 toothbrush - 1 tube of toothpaste - 1 loaf of bread - 1 pint of milk - 1 single serving of cereal - 1 single frozen dinner The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single,huh?" The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?" He says, "Because you're ugly" Edited December 12, 2010 by mcj metroid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted December 12, 2010 Share Posted December 12, 2010 With mobile phone in hand. "I got my picture taken with REM last night". "That's me in the corner". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The fish Posted December 13, 2010 Share Posted December 13, 2010 Japanese whaling is indeed scientific: they're clearly researching how to make the world's most delicious whale sandwich. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 If women say men only think with their penis... Will she be offended if I ask her to blow my mind? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxigen_Waste Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Ripping them off again. Finding a dead baby in 11 dumpsters. The wheelchair. A baby in a microwave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sméagol Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 "What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a wall?" Living babies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Surely 11 different dead babies are worse than a singular dismembered one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReZourceman Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Surely 11 different dead babies are worse than a singular dismembered one? Depends what you're using them for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 I love my new job fixing blinds. Or Laser Eye Surgeon as some people insist on calling it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Gonna reuse these old ones I posted in another thread. Went to see Toy Story in 3D last night. Though the guy sitting in 4D asked me to take off my hat. ..................................... Rick Astley just called me and asked if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Ok" I said "You can have Toy Story, Finding Nemo and Cars, but I'm never gonna give you Up" ...................................... What's pink and sounds terrible? Pink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beast Posted December 20, 2010 Author Share Posted December 20, 2010 Gonna reuse these old ones I posted in another thread. Went to see Toy Story in 3D last night. Though the guy sitting in 4D asked me to take off my hat. ..................................... Rick Astley just called me and asked if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Ok" I said "You can have Toy Story, Finding Nemo and Cars, but I'm never gonna give you Up" ...................................... What's pink and sounds terrible? Pink. I LOVE the last two! I pissed myself laughing at the last joke because it's true (although I like her new song). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kav Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 (edited) Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Momentum! ................................................................ My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Edited December 21, 2010 by Kav Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Momentum! ................................................................ My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Brilliant! Though calling her a 0 our of 10 is ridiculous! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 Can you imagine what would happen if I got caught up in a hypothetical situation? ************************************************************ Save money this Christmas by simply buying your kids an Easter egg each, and telling them they overslept. ************************************************************ A light year. Just like a regular year, but with fewer calories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 Hey, if you got that light year one from Sickipedia, then you stole if from me :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heroicjanitor Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 Don't you hate double standards? If a girl sleeps with a ton of guys she's a slut, but if a guy does it, he's a homosexual? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sméagol Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 In reaction to the Scooby Doo thing: The new cartoon is supposed to be great, but I've only seen one episode of it (but that one was great). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 I enjoy pushing resistors up my bum while masturbating. Does that make me an Ohmosexual? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goafer Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Madeline McKann's bike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) The healthiest part of the donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there. Edited December 22, 2010 by Diageo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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