ReZourceman Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murr Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 A girl goes to a tatto / piercing parlour and says to the tattooist that she wants her clit pierced. so the tattooist says okay fine take a seat. when she's called up to have it done the tattooist then asks her if she wants her clit numbed? she replies yes... the tattooist opens her legs, puts his head between them licks her out saying 'num num num' heh... i guess it's funnier with the actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heroicjanitor Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 There is a smaller version of Rez's joke. A man is in a pub and needs to go to the toilet. He leaves a sign by his drink saying "I spat in this drink" When he comes back he finds another sign saying "So did I". I suppose you could swap it to many situations though. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!†The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!†The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gizmo Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Who built King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference. lolololol math jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Me: Why did the chicken cross the road? You: To get to the other side? Me: No, to get to the shop. *painful silence* Me: Do you think that's funny? You: No. Me: Neither did he - the shop was shut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Me: Why did the chicken cross the road? You: To get to the other side? Me: No, to get to the shop. *painful silence* Me: Do you think that's funny? You: No. Me: Neither did he - the shop was shut. I can't wait to tell that to my kids at work tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goafer Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Two fish swimming around in a tank, one says to the other "You man the turret, I'll drive". Madeline McCann's bike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caris Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Blonde walks into a bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Brilliant thread, I've recently been telling a few friends some purposely painful jokes which they cringe at...but secretly love. Naturally One of my favourites...What did the ghost say to the bee? BOO-BEES! Some gentle humour :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sméagol Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The fish Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy! Who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the Ultrasound guy's on holiday? The hip-replacement guy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ville Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Norm McDonald tells the moth joke on Conan Wow, now that was just brilliant... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Was standing behind a ginger guy at the self service checkout at Tesco, and it said "Unexpected item in bagging area" It was a pack of condoms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Falcon Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 ME!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Everything after Pancake is shit. And I am drunk so everything should be extra funny, You all suck major monkey balls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 If we're all so shit, Do you have any funny jokes to share then, Diego? :p (P.S. I know that my joke was horrible ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Here's a great pick up line,. "I'm going to have sex with you tonight. Do you know how I know that. Because I'm stronger than you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 I can't believe it. Me and my wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into the house and took all our Mr Sheen! Fucking Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Witty, but still not funy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goafer Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Here's a great pick up line,. "I'm going to have sex with you tonight. Do you know how I know that. Because I'm stronger than you. On a similar note: Woman: "I wouldn't have sex with you if we were the last people on earth" Man: "Yeah? Well who would be around to stop me?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadDog Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up. ---------- At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not. And your strengths? I'm Batman. Edited November 5, 2010 by MadDog Automerged Doublepost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayseven Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 How do you make a door laugh? You tickle its knob. Srsly the only joke I know. I've told it to everyone twice. There's a sequel about a pool table, but it's fairly obvious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReZourceman Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 How do you make a door laugh? You tickle its knob. Srsly the only joke I know. I've told it to everyone twice. There's a sequel about a pool table, but it's fairly obvious. Right on cue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Why does Santa have such a large sack? Because he only comes once a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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