Beast Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 OK, I don't know about anyone else here but I love jokes, no matter how good or bad, no matter how clean or how dirty, we all love a joke. So, c'mon N-E, have a joke! I want to create a thread PURELY for jokes, nothing else. I hope we can Here's one my friend sent me: A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!" The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!" ---- And here's a blonde one from yours truly: A blonde mom, a brunette mom and a ginger mom sat around a table, gossiping and drinking coffee. The brunette looked at the two moms. "You girls will NOT believe what I found. I went to get some chewing gum from my daughter's handbag and I found a fake ID. I can't believe she's drinking underage!" the brunette said. The ginger looked at the two moms and confessed. "That's nothing, I found something shocking in my daughter's handbag too. I found a bag of weed. I can't believe my daughter smokes the stuff!" the ginger cried. The blonde looked at the brunette and the ginger and laughed. "You think you have problems?" asked the blonde. "I found condoms in my daughter's bag, I can't believe she has a cock!"
Gizmo Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 The England football team. Thats a good joke. LOLOLOLLOLOLOL sorry. I think we should preemptively ban ReZ from this thread, else the lame-ness of his jokes might be too much for us all to take!
Tellyn Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Did you know that sharks will only attack you when you are wet?
martinist Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 there was a bear, a lion and a pig. the bear said: that when he growls the whole forest gets frightened the lion said: that when he growls the whole jungle gets frightened the pig said: so what, all i have to do is sneeze and the whole world shits its self!
Ellmeister Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Peadophiles aren't all bad folks..least they slow down in front of schools! Props if people know where that's from.
The fish Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy! Who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the Ultrasound guy isn't there? The hip-replacement guy!
Ellmeister Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I am not awesome and not funny. First time ReZ has said something and its not a joke!
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 A fox was chasing a rabbit through the forest. They stumbled upon a lamp with a genie inside, and the genie granted them 3 wishes each. The fox said: "I wish all the other foxes in the forest were female!" The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." The fox said: "I wish all the other foxes in the country were female!" The rabbit said: "I wish I had a scooter." The fox said: "I wish all the other foxes in the world were female!" The rabbit put on the helmet, jumped on the scooter, started the engine, and just before driving off he said: "I wish the fox was gay."
Raining_again Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 The England football team. Thats a good joke. LOLOLOLLOLOLOL sorry. Well they did lose against northern Ireland... That is a bit of a joke
Pookiablo Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
ReZourceman Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Strangling people can be dangerous. Oh....joke.
weeyellowbloke Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 McDonalds are planning to release a Michael Jackson memorial hotdog. It'll be one 50 year old sausage between two 8 year old buns. ........too soon?
Karl619 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Q) how do you get 3 gay guys to sit on a stool? A) turn it upside down two gay guys in a bath, a condom floats to the top , one guy turns to the other and says - "who's farted?" Q) Why did the condoms go to the gay club? A) to get shitfaced (I'm not homophobic)
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 A taxi driver picks up a customer. After a while, the customer wants to know when they will arrive, and so he taps the driver on the shoulder. The driver jumps and screams and drives over to the side of the road. He stops the car, turns around and says to the customer: "Don't you ever do that again! I've been a hearse driver for 30 years!"
Karl619 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Tiger Woods pulls into gas station in his Porsche. The pump attendant -unaware of who his customer is- greets Tiger . Tiger nods a quick hello and bends down to pick up the nozzle. Whilst doing so some tees fall out of Tiger's pockets and fall on to the forecourt. In curiosity the pump attendant asks -"sir, what are those for?". Tiger replies - "well, you see, they're for resting my balls on when I'm driving". The pump attendant replies amazed - " gosh! Porsche think of everything!"
Goafer Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 (edited) An elderly man was telling his grandson tales of his adventures on safari. "I was walking through the wilderness and I heard a great big RRRROOOOAAAARRRRR! I shit myself" "I would too, that sounds pretty scary" "No I mean just now when I said roar" An elderly man was the only person in his care home to have a colour TV in his room. A female resident asked him one day if she could watch Coronation Street on it seeing as she had never watched it in colour before. "Fair enough, but I want a favour in return. I'd like you to hold my cock whilst watching it. You don't have to do anything else, just hold it. I'm a lonely old man and it would help me no end". She agreed and watched Coronation Street whilst holding his Johnson. The next day, she came up to him and asked if she could watch Coronation Street again in return for holding his wanger. "Sorry, but Doris is holding my pecker today" "Why's she doing it today? What's she got that I havent?" "Parkinsons" Jeremy Beadle had a tiny cock. On the other hand, it looked pretty big. A man walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hello mate, what you having?" "Double whiskey please" "That's £3 please" "Hang on, I refuse to pay on the grounds that you offered it to me" After much argueing the bartender agrees, but tells the bloke to never come back. The next day the guy walks back into the bar. "Whoah buddy, I told you never to come back" "What do you mean?" "Yesterday, you conned your way out of paying for a drink" "What? I've never been here before in my life" "That's strange, I'm sure it was you. You must have a double" "If you insist, I'll have a Double whiskey" My friend made me laugh something fierce once. He came up and said, completely straight faced: "I saved a girl from being raped." He waited for everyone to get proper interested and said "I let her go". It was genius. Edited August 4, 2009 by Goafer
CoolFunkMan Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 My friend made me laugh something fierce once. He came up and said, completely straight faced: "I saved a girl from being raped." He waited for everyone to get proper interested and said "I let her go". It was genius. I have friends at work that do that, only they end it with "I didn't go out last night." Fierce, but hilarious.
Ashley Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 A little mental thought turned into a ReZ joke earlier by mistake as I was wondering around a shopping centre; If I killed an ugo I wonder if I could get the trial acquitted on the grounds of it was simply a case of 'survival of the fittest'.
Dog-amoto Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I got a parcel in the mail this morning, and it was covered in drool and crayons. That's the last time I pay for a special delivery!
Jimbob Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 A man walked into a bar......................ouch!!!! (i'll get my coat)
Letty Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Anti joke; A white man and a black man walk into a bar. They sit and have a drink, and enjoy the atmosphere of the bar.
Jimbob Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Anti joke; A white man and a black man walk into a bar. They sit and have a drink, and enjoy the atmosphere of the bar. I get that in the same way as this one: "2 nuns are in the bath, one says "pass the soap". The second nun says "yes it does, doesn't it??" I still don't get this even to this day
Recommended Posts