drahkon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Does anyone ever feel that most people want to be in a relationship because they want someone from whom they can reap vicarious emotions about the tiny boring minutia of their day to day lives? No, pretty much every couple I've seen is in a relationship because they like/love their partner, they enjoy spending time with each other and enjoy hearing about the little things that happen in their significant other's life. Why are you so cynical about relationships and others being in one?
Daft Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Can't believe I'm making this point, but not all couples are the same. My friend and his misses both give each other a lot of personal space. They aren't couple-y at all, they aren't together all the time but they are there for each other. I think that's ideal; I don't want to think about my day half the time, let alone talk about it. I find that kind of banal talk insufferable. I like being alone and having space. Distance makes the heart and all that crap.
The Bard Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) No, pretty much every couple I've seen is in a relationship because they like/love their partner, they enjoy spending time with each other and enjoy hearing about the little things that happen in their significant other's life. Why are you so cynical about relationships and others being in one? That's pretty much the most saccharine fairytale boilerplate of a relationship. I like being in a relationship with someone who fires my imagination and my interest, and for whom I can do the same, and who doesn't use me as a repository for trivia like what cereal they had for breakfast that morning or what they bought at the mall. Leave me alone with that shit. I don't understand wanting to be around someone all the time. I need my own space to recharge and think about things on my own terms. It's sort of like the difference between watching a film by yourself, and with other people. When it's with other people, you tend to drift into hypothesising what the other parties are thinking, how they're responding to certain moments in the film based on your perception of their mentalities. You lose touch with your own relationship to the film. Both experiences have their own merits, and both have their own time. It's the same with real life. Don't you want someone who enriches your experience rather than diminishing it by filling your brain with anecdotes that you don't even have the patience to think about when it happens in your own life? I'm not cynical about relationships, but I've grown up enough that I don't shroud the idea of them in sepia like every one else seems to. Can't believe I'm making this point, but not all couples are the same. My friend and his misses both give each other a lot of personal space. They aren't couple-y at all, they aren't together all the time but they are there for each other. I think that's ideal; I don't want to think about my day half the time, let alone talk about it. I find that kind of banal talk insufferable. I like being alone and having space. Distance makes the heart and all that crap. Yeah. I like the idea of sharing big experiences, of mutual emotional support. But if you're so much of a baby that your day consists of ruminating over the rad frozen yoghurt you copped at snog on your lunch break, I don't want to hear shit you have to say. Edited September 3, 2013 by The Bard
drahkon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Can't believe I'm making this point, but not all couples are the same. They aren't couple-y at all, they aren't together all the time but they are there for each other. I agree, personal space is as important as being together. I would hate if I had a girlfriend and she wouldn't stop telling me about every second of her day and asking me about mine. I also hate clingy people (like my first ex). But a bit of everything is fine and actually necessary. Maybe I misunderstood @The Bard but to me it doesn't seem like he meant sharing every single thing, spending every waking second together. It appears to me that he just hates (? too strong) all the little things that make a good relationship, and you have to be a blind cynic not to accept that talking - sometimes about the little things - and spending time together makes 90% of relationships - if not more - successful. You just have to find a balance. If, however, you find a girl who doesn't bother you, and is only there for sex and nothing else, fine. You may think you're a lucky guy. That's pretty much the most saccharine fairytale boilerplate of a relationship. I like being in a relationship with someone who fires my imagination and my interest, and for whom I can do the same, and who doesn't use me as a repository for trivia like what cereal they had for breakfast that morning or what they bought at the mall. Leave me alone with that shit. I don't understand wanting to be around someone all the time. No idea how you came from "enjoy spending time with each other and enjoy hearing about the little things that happen in their significant other's life" to "use me as a repository for trivia like what cereal they had for breakfast that morning or what they bought at the mall. [...] I don't understand wanting to be around someone all the time" Edited September 3, 2013 by drahkon
The Bard Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 @drahkon, I mean precisely the idea of spending every conceivable moment together. I enjoy spending time with her, doing things, whatever, but when I'm sat in my room trying to read a book amidst a deluge of skype calls and annoying texts, it grates.
Daft Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Yeah. I like the idea of sharing big experiences, of mutual emotional support. But if you're so much of a baby that your day consists of ruminating over the rad frozen yoghurt you copped at snog on your lunch break, I don't want to hear shit you have to say. I don't think anyone enters a relationship for that. You can't just talk constantly about the myriad mysteries and wonders of life, though. Like all great Pixies songs, a good relationship is maintained through a contrast of quiet and loud. Balance will always be key and that balance will be different for everyone.
drahkon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 @drahkon, I mean precisely the idea of spending every conceivable moment together. I enjoy spending time with her, doing things, whatever, but when I'm sat in my room trying to read a book amidst a deluge of skype calls and annoying texts, it grates. Well, sorry then, I misunderstood you. You still sound like a cynic, though. :p Or maybe you had bad experiences. Don't know, don't care. I understand what you mean, though. Clingy people suck. Balance will always be key and that balance will be different for everyone. Yup, this! Somehow I think that for you, The Bard, it might be difficult to find the right balance, or rather the person who shares the same idea of balance as you do, but that's just my experience with girls, couples and relationships. And that's the reason why you appear to be so cynical to me. Sorry, it's nothing personal.
The Bard Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) All that made me do is want to listen to The Pixies. I suppose finding the balance in being a massive introvert in a relationship with a complete extrovert is a tough thing. Or maybe I just don't like this girl as much as I thought. Somehow I think that for you, The Bard, it might be difficult to find the right balance, or rather the person who shares the same idea of balance as you do, but that's just my experience with girls, couples and relationships. And that's the reason why you appear to be so cynical to me. Sorry, it's nothing personal. Well, I've had varying experiences with girls in the past. Every single time, each party has to make a varying effort to adapt to and accommodate the other. Sometimes it's just harder than other times. I'm not a cynic, I'm a sceptic. Edited September 3, 2013 by The Bard
drahkon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I suppose finding the balance in being a massive introvert in a relationship with a complete extrovert is a tough thing. Don't want to be the pessimist but this realization is what made me end my very first relationship. It took me almost a year to finally understand that she (the extrovert) was pretty much the exact opposite of me (the introvert). If I met a girl like her now, I'd say there is a chance we would make a good couple, since I'm much more open than I have been. I'm not a cynic, I'm a sceptic. Alright, I can live with that :p
Daft Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 You aren't cynical without reason; don't feel like you have to act a certain way. Maybe you like the girl because she's an 'ideal', but she might not actually be right for you (who knows?) But there is no normal, there is no correct way to be in a relationship and there are plenty of people who don't fit into the 'couple-y' paradigm. But really you should be telling her this; you can be an introvert and remain articulate.
The Bard Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Don't want to be the pessimist but this realization is what made me end my very first relationship.It took me almost a year to finally understand that she (the extrovert) was pretty much the exact opposite of me (the introvert). If I met a girl like her now, I'd say there is a chance we would make a good couple, since I'm much more open than I have been. Yeah, I think it's the fact that fundamental base level identifications in character, like being introverted or extroverted are more important in getting along with a person than ostensible traits like loving the same books or films or music will ever be. The girl I'm going out with now likes pretty much all the same stuff I do, but she's extroverted where I'm introverted, and amicable where I'm argumentative. You aren't cynical without reason; don't feel like you have to act a certain way. Maybe you like the girl because she's an 'ideal', but she might not actually be right for you (who knows?) But there is no normal, there is no correct way to be in a relationship and there are plenty of people who don't fit into the 'couple-y' paradigm. But really you should be telling her this; you can be an introvert and remain articulate. Yeah. Maybe it's just that she's been abroad for a few months, and using technology to conduct a relationship is awful. I feel bad. I can't really just say "I'm out," because I'd feel like a lazy asshole. I don't know, we'll see. Edited September 3, 2013 by The Bard
drahkon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 @Daft you seem to have a nice understanding of relationships, people, life, the universe and everything. You should be in a relationship.
Daft Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 @Daft you seem to have a nice understanding of relationships, people, life, the universe and everything. You should be in a relationship. I'm not sure I have the patience and I'm pretty selfish. If someone can put up with me, that's great - but I won't be holding my breath.
Blade Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I take the view you do what you want in a relationship despite what anyone else thinks. Its your relationship. Its your life. Why should anyone care how many times you see your other half per week, what you talk about etc. What friends and family should care about is whether you are happy in that relationship and then support you whatever you feel.
Ashley Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 My ex-housemate was the worst for telling you the minutia of her life. There are times when I wanted to say "I don't even find my own day interesting, what makes you think yours is?" But then I don't think its even that, I think it's the need to share/talk about anything and everything.
The Bard Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 My ex-housemate was the worst for telling you the minutia of her life. There are times when I wanted to say "I don't even find my own day interesting, what makes you think yours is?" But then I don't think its even that, I think it's the need to share/talk about anything and everything. People are always more interesting when you have enough of a window into their lives to fill in the rest and get an overall sense for their personality, but it's always tarnished when they divulge more and then you realise that everyone is just boring as shit. I kid. I'm just in a bad mood because I ran out of teabags and I haven't had my daily dose of caffeine.
jayseven Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I've spent most of my adult life in love with someone who is vastly different to me. i've dabbled in others more similar and more different, but ultimately I think the perfect partner is the one who is equally conscious of the difference, and equally willing to compensate for it. You can talk about compromise but that always seems to end up like a kind of legal battle. Being with someone who expects the same thing from a relationship seems to trump everything else. This is the fluxic unity between successful relationships.
nightwolf Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I feel these days @jayseven you need a TL;DR, just so I, as a simpleton, can understand. I need more tea for this! *shakes fist*
Emma Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 @jayseven definitely, like likes like. You'll never find someone who fits you perfectly though, but getting near is what you need to go for. A good relationship is also whether you are able to put up with their little annoyances or not. That will take you a long way. I see Dan everyday, even before we moved in together we saw each other maybe 5 days out of 7. It's what we both like doing. He's going away to Wales for 4 days on a stag do this weekend, it'll be weird not seeing him but it will be nice to have a tidy house for the weekend .
Raining_again Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 zomg. Came across CuteGuyatGym on facebook. He posted a video of himself doing toes to bar, tagged my personal trainer in it. *internet stalking GO*
Frank Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I never talk about these things as openly anymore but I feel like gloating that I had a really really really amazing date a few days ago !!! I've been very much removed from the gay scene for the past few months and it has been pretty quiet for me. In fact, I think the only exciting experiences I've had has been this wonderful guy I met in Budapest while I was travelling through Europe (of course, it couldn't be long). Anyway, I wasn't expecting anything with this date but we ended up eating Japanese food (probably my subconscious anime obsession these days) & some sake. The guy was really goofy & I really spent the date laughing the entire time. So easy-going & *FUN*. The night ended with watching some live jazz, drinking whiskey & then a nice kiss before I headed home !
Magnus Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 So how long did you perv on him at the gym before you asked him out?
Raining_again Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I added him on facebook, introduced myself, and asked him if he fancied getting a coffee sometime. "thanks for asking but I'm already seeing someone" I r sad The "thanks for asking" thing threw me a bit... lol
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