Fierce_LiNk Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Dilemma, of sorts: There's a group of us here at Uni all from the same hometown, and we're all good friends from sixth form so on and so forth. Anyway, my ex is coming up to see everyone (he's also good friends with us all), and I've been asked if I'll house him for a night. I don't mind myself, we have our differences (he cheated on me etc.) so I'm not worried that anything might happen in the slightest. However, do I bother telling my current boyfriend, or is ignorance bliss? He has nothing to worry about, but I can imagine he would worry anyway, despite what I might say to him to make him think otherwise. Be honest with him, I reckon. Then, he hasn't got a reason to suspect anything/worry, because you've been upfront with him. It's only for a night anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eenuh Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Yeah, honesty is the way to go in a relationship. Just tell him how things are between you and him, what happened etc. If you tell him now, he might be less worried than if he found out about it afterwards and get all paranoid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bard Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I think you're underestimating human jealousy. What I think you should do is say "Fuck no, you're not staying with me," primarily because you have no obligation to, as well as the fact that I'm guessing your current bf will clearly be worried to shit. I would be, anyway. Depends if he's the easily jealous type, and how you weigh that against what I suppose are your friends' expectations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I think you're underestimating human jealousy. What I think you should do is say "Fuck no, you're not staying with me," primarily because you have no obligation to, as well as the fact that I'm guessing your current bf will clearly be worried to shit. I would be, anyway. Depends if he's the easily jealous type, and how you weigh that against what I suppose are your friends' expectations. Hmm, I agree that it would be a test of trust. Razz has said that nothing at all will happen though, so I guess it really is about how the boyfriend will react. Out of curiosity, is there a reason he is staying with you and not other friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Razz Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 See I myself am lime green jell-o when it comes to stuff like this, so I can sort of see how it might not be a good idea to tell him at all. Then at the same time I don't feel like lying. Thirdly, I don't want to hold a grudge against the ex. Sure he was a first class prick, but I try not to hold on to stuff like that. At the same time you're right, I owe him nothing, so perhaps I might find him somewhere else to stay. Thanks for all the advice everyone, I appreciate it and it's nice to hear different opinions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 It would be a good idea if you could find him somewhere else to stay, because it would direct the grief it could cause away from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bard Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I think there's a difference between saying that nothing will happen to an internet forum, and retaining that integrity in the moment. Your rational mind unaffected by the stimulus of being approached by a horny guy that you used to be in an intimate relationship with will in all probability yeild entirely different expectations to what would actually happen if the above scenario occurred. Yeah; safest course of action is to find him somewhere else to stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goafer Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 You could just ask your current boyfriend what he thinks of it? Instead of just telling him he's staying, ask him if it would be a problem if he stays. Then just go with what he says. Responsibility avoided. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I think there's a difference between saying that nothing will happen to an internet forum, and retaining that integrity in the moment. Your rational mind unaffected by the stimulus of being approached by a horny guy that you used to be in an intimate relationship with will in all probability yeild entirely different expectations to what would actually happen if the above scenario occurred. Yeah; safest course of action is to find him somewhere else to stay. True, but who's to say that Razz wouldn't tell him where to go if he tried it on? If he did stay, then maybe Razz could lay down the law from the beginning: Keep your distance, OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE. But yeah, safest course would be to place him somewhere else. Very generous letting an ex stay with you, as Bard says, you don't owe them anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bard Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 True, but there's no knowing what will happen until that instance actually comes to be. Best thing to do is to say DO NOT WANT to the whole situation. I'm thinking entirely on the level of what I would want if my gf presented the prospect of her ex staying at her place (if she had a place =p) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 True, but there's no knowing what will happen until that instance actually comes to be. Best thing to do is to say DO NOT WANT to the whole situation. Haha, I agree. Best not to tempt fate. Fob him off somewhere else, Razz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Razz Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Indeed I think the best solution is to give a massive cock block to the ex, whilst at the same time keeping shit neutral by sorting out for him other arrangements. Then telling current boyfriend what a good citizen I am and thus receive points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Indeed I think the best solution is to give a massive cock block to the ex, whilst at the same time keeping shit neutral by sorting out for him other arrangements. Then telling current boyfriend what a good citizen I am and thus receive points. That sounds like a good plan. Out of curiosity (again) would you have been worried at all about him trying it on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Razz Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 That sounds like a good plan. Out of curiosity (again) would you have been worried at all about him trying it on? He doesn't have many scruples at all, so it wouldn't be below him. He cut me up pretty bad though, so I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, nor would I want to inflict that onto my current boyfriend. But again I may trust myself, but I would be writhing in jealousy if I were in the same position as current contender. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashley Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Invite him up and on a night out, then say "oh wait you expected a place to stay too?" But yes. In my observation of this species people can get very jealous even if it is for no reason. e.g. Jodie was telling me yesterday she's going to the Barbican tomorrow with a male friend, but is having to change the gender when mentioning it to her boyfriend because he's crazy jealous at the moment. People eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellmeister Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Bad times if the boyfriend found out though. Lying makes it alllllllllllll worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goron_3 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Right late contribution but something similar happened to me and my girlfriend. Her ex who lives in Birmingham came to Nottingham to go to Rock City and as the gig finished late she said she could house him for the night. Now, originally it didn't bother me as I didn't know they had history I just thought they were friends so I ok'd it, but when she told me he was her ex (and she assumed I already knew) I was worried shitless. Needless to say I kept my mouth shut as it was just a day before the gig and after he stayed we had an arguement/3. She kept saying how there was nothing there and it was old news and then the same day he sent her a text saying he still had feelings for her. Bottom line is boyfriends and worried creatures, especially when ex boyfriends are concerned. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he trusts you Razz and i'm sure you trust yourself but in that situation: -Firstly you never know if he might try something. -Whilst you might just be 'housing' him for a night your bf with probably be worried as hell Defo liking the 'telling current boyfriend what a good citizen I am and thus receive points' idea, very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Why not get your current bf to stay over the night that your ex is coming up so there's no chance of anything happening*? *Apart from a threesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Be VERY CAUTIOUS. Unless you have a very good understanding of your bf's reactions to situations like this. I once stupidly gave some guy who came onto me my number (in 100% friendly manner, had no interest in him like that whatsoever). It just didn't feel like a big deal at all, but when i told my bf of the time, he went absolutely mad and told me to get out of his house and that i wasn't his gf anymore. I was completely shocked and regretted it immediately. Point is that people can react very unpredictably, and what you perceive as nothing, might turn out to be a massive trigger to the other person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Why not get your current bf to stay over the night that your ex is coming up so there's no chance of anything happening*? *Apart from a threesome That's actually a good idea. (apart from the threesome bit) When Razz mentioned it in his original post, I thought that he and his boyfriend would be in the same house, living together. But, I got that bit wrong, I think. Yeah, if he does stay around, invite the boyfriend around, too! Definitely no chance of the guy trying it on then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I don't even know why allowing the ex-bf to stay has even been considered to be honest. Regardless of how things stand now it's just not something you should be doing if you have a new bf - especially if they don't know each other. Just make him stay with one of your other friends. Pancake - that's a pretty mental reaction, sounds like you're better off without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayseven Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 If he's still regarded as 'ex-bf' and not 'my mate so-and-so' then clearly the pair of you haven't moved on and created a proper friendship since, so yeah, do what you've said you're going to do anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 If he's still regarded as 'ex-bf' and not 'my mate so-and-so' then clearly the pair of you haven't moved on and created a proper friendship since, so yeah, do what you've said you're going to do anyway... Does an ex ever stop becoming an Ex, though? You could create the best friendship the world has ever seen with them, but you still were with them at one point in time. So, they'll always be an ex, surely? It is a tiny bit odd that your friends thought it would be an ok idea for him to stay, so maybe they think of him as your "friend" rather than your "ex"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayseven Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I have a couple of friends that are also exes (in some senses) and they're definitely friends primarily. Then I have an ex who is also a friend. If I had a girlfriend currently, then this situation would only be problematic with the latter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) I have a couple of friends that are also exes (in some senses) and they're definitely friends primarily. Then I have an ex who is also a friend. If I had a girlfriend currently, then this situation would only be problematic with the latter. I know what you mean, but I think they always remain exes as well. I'm in the same situation as you, in that I have an ex or two who I'm good friends with. I think it would be accurate to say there are different "degrees" of exes. Like you say, you can have exes who you're good friends with, some you might speak to once in a while, and some that are just No-go areas. It tends to go along with time, I find. The more recent the ex or the amount of time you spent in a relationship with that one, the bigger the problem could be. That's what I find anyway. Edited April 20, 2010 by Fierce_LiNk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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