Confidence

[Ashley]

I was speaking to someone the other day and they were saying they are fine on one-to-one conversations but dislikes public speaking, whereas I'm the other way round.

 

There's something less daunting about having a distance and a lack of direct contact for me and I become more at ease. I actually become more energetic and that may be psychologically not too dissimilar to overcompensating for fear, it works for me (which is a phrase I've pretty much stolen from

about boss fights, weirdly).

 

I can also put on a lot of fake confidence when I need to at work, but then when I go to events for my creative work I become a lot more timid because of the impostor syndrome.

 

So, confidence? What you got?

[S.C.G]

I feel as though I prefer one-to-one conversations over public speaking.

 

Fake confidence goes with the territory in many work positions, I'm sure that the confidence I show in my retail job is staged in some way... either that or I just refuse to believe that the social skills I've developed through my work are actually worth anything due to me having Asperger's Syndrome coupled with anxiety and OCD.

 

Being creative is something I enjoy a lot more than just fulfilling a "role" because while I know that all roles are fundamentally important to our society on the whole, there is a lot to be said for the creative process, it's something I already engage with while writing reviews which I still enjoy but I used to be so much more creative many years ago as I would practice drawing things regularly... now though? Not nearly as much as I'd like.

 

It's not as if I don't feel confident enough to attempt things, I think it's more that I talk myself out of them... I almost talked myself out of posting this even. :p

 

Confidence is something I definitely know I have a certain amount of, just that I don't seem to draw upon it that often, instead choosing to mentally retreat or distance myself at times... it's an inner battle which can feel like a boss fight in itself, one that I attempt on a daily basis and learn from even if I don't always feel like I'm anywhere near winning, if that's even possible.

[Goafer]

I used to be really shy when I was younger, but I spent some time working nights in a petrol station and it helped my confidence no end. I basically realised that 99% of conversations went well and the odds of something bad happening was slim to none, so I had nothing to fear from talking to people.

 

Although the job was probably the worst 6 months of my life, I think it was one of the best things that could have happened to me, as it made me a lot more confident in talking to new people.

[drahkon]

I've been incredibly shy (with people I didn't know; with friends and people I knew it was all good) until I was 18 and entered the drama group in my school. My best friend at that time convinced me to do a minor role in the play. It was frightening for me even though it had been only one line.

BUT a lot of people jumped ship so I got "promoted" to a bigger role 5 times. In the end I was one of the 3 leads...

I kept telling my teacher that I was way too scared to do that but he kept insisting that he'll get me to a point where it will be no problem for me.

 

And he did. I owe him quite a lot. After the performance the confidence that has been building up during rehearsal got one final push. With that I was able to talk to anybody without problems. This plus the fact that I started drinking helped me being comfortable talking to and flirting with ladies (don't want to promote drinking but it did help...).

 

During my time as an Air Traffic Controller my confidence in general grew a lot more.

 

Now I have no problems in any situation. I get nervous before job interviews, big presentations, etc, of course but it's nothing too daunting.

[Falcon_BlizZACK]

As a teen, I was lacking quiet a bit in confidence. I think a lot of confidence or lack of is formed from how you are raised - and coming from a somewhat harsh 'traditionally' African upbringing (beats, intimidation etc) - this definitely had a negative effect. Also I had a mild case of 'man boobs' (gynecomastia) growing up and though I was physically active and fit, it had a negative impact in many areas of my life, including confidence to ask girls out and avoiding beach/swimming holidays.

 

In my late teens, upon taking up Taekwondo, the sport began to boost my confidence. And a few years later in my 20s - have my first girlfriend (Epic Thread girl).

 

But I think the biggest effect of boosting my own self confidence throughout my 20s has been just THINKING about why I would not be confidence in myself. Constantly thinking and challenging myself. As a competitive fighter, its just no good going into the ring without having self confidence - and I had to go through being shit scared to the point of having cold sweats and not sleeping the night before. I always lost the first round when I felt like that.

 

But I've changed and I feel I'm pretty confidence, especially when I need to be. A sort of tactic I use - and it might seem arrogant (but I'm truly not) - is remembering that people in general aren't shit. I find its 'people' who are the chief cause of a lack of confidence and seriously not giving a crap about what people think and their judgements - outside of the people I know and care about - has helped immensely. Of course this might seem extreme, but I think everyone has their own solution to boosting their own self confidence/esteem etc. (it suits me because I am an aloof type of guy enjoying my own company).

 

As for talking, I don't really have much experience with public speaking, but with one-to-one conversations, I generally hate small talk with people outside of my circle, which I guess can seem has lacking in confidence.

 

I recommend 'The Chimp Paradox' as a source that helped me in some other similar areas.

Edited July 14, 2016 by King_V

[Nolan]

Rock bottom. Horrible at public speaking, hate all the eyes on me. Slightly better at 1-1 depends on how well I know the other party. I'm much better at just being quiet in a small group of people and delivering shitty one liners and anecdotes that others can build off of. So oddly enough I'm liked well enough by others.

 

I'm far better at online/text interactions. Plenty of time to overthink what I'm going to say. Course then when I'm actually in person it's that much worse haha.

[Charlie]

I used to be really shy when I was younger, but I spent some time working nights in a petrol station and it helped my confidence no end. I basically realised that 99% of conversations went well and the odds of something bad happening was slim to none, so I had nothing to fear from talking to people.

 

Although the job was probably the worst 6 months of my life, I think it was one of the best things that could have happened to me, as it made me a lot more confident in talking to new people.

 

I'm similar to you in that I was really shy and quiet when I was younger. Some people might say I still am quiet around new people although it definitely isn't to the same extent as I was before - I like to think I'm quite chatty now and confident talking to people I haven't met. I find the best way to get better at it is putting yourself out there. I regularly go for lunch with colleagues who I barely know 1 on 1 and it's a great way to get to know people.

 

Like you, I attribute my confidence increasing in one thing. Xbox Live. I was around 14/15 when Halo 2 came out and I finally got broadband (my village is shit for Internet and got it late) I could play H2 online. At this time everybody was on the public chat channel so you could talk to team mates. If you didn't talk you didn't win so I was quickly chatting to people across the whole world and making friends.

 

It's strange though. I still get worried when I know I'm going to be alone with just one other person, "What are we going to talk about?" sort of thoughts. It's always fine though. @Rummy and I went for lunch last year. We've met once before in our lives but we had a great time.

[Blade]

I was not confident as a little kid but from being a teenager I think i've always been confident. Meeting new people doesn't phase me, I really enjoy it and I love public speaking.

 

Good job really as i'm a lawyer working in litigation.

[Mr-Paul]

It's a bit of a mix for me.

 

I don't mind public speaking at all. I get a little nervous beforehand if I'm being marked, like making a presentation for school/uni, otherwise, generally fine.

 

And I feel I'm very outgoing/confident in person/one to one situations - definitely an extrovert, and I have no shame in who I am.

 

However, I have less confidence in making the first approach towards people - one of the reasons why I've been single for ages! I'll also avoid making phone calls if I can. Once I'm on the phone to someone, absolutely fine, but I always choose not to if I can.

 

I know it's a problem that I need to get over. I love meeting new people but it's that initial contact that's a problem with me. Fear of rejection? I've worked from home for pretty much the last year, which means my work life is a bit lacking on social front - meaning I need to really push myself out there to meet new people/friends/potential lovers.

 

Slight sidetrack, but I guess another related thing is whether you prefer to do things with others/on your own. I love being with others, but will happily go off on my own if there's something I want to do. Hence why I go to the cinema alone - I want to see films, I'm not going to let other people not wanting to stop me from doing it.

[Raining_again]

Used to be very anti social. But my job pushed me into being social all the time. I'm not shy or unsure of what to say, i just don't LIKE people. I used to point blank avoid people and social situations, but now I'm a lot more willing. My colleague told me once that shes seen me turn into a completely different person over the years. I'm a social introvert.

[Beast]

To sum me up:

 

I wouldn't strip naked anytime soon but I'm not afraid to make a twat out of myself for a laugh.

 

The way I see it, life is too short to give a flying shite what anybody thinks. I say that but rejection is still a mixed bag and I will say that the only confidence issue I really have is with my body but other than that, I'll be the only one on the dance floor STILL doing Gangnam Style, I'll proudly walk around singing the Pokemon theme tune whilst playing Pokemon Go, I will sing 'Baby Got Back' in karaoke and I will own that song, I will wear 80s/90s nostalgia TV/movie t-shirts, I will be nerdy af and why?

 

Because I'm Animal, the best beastly motherfucker you will ever know!

 

*drops mic*

[Josh64]

It depends on the day for me, some days when I have crippling anxiety it can be exhausting just replying to texts and terrifying if the phone goes off but other days I can be out with any number of friends and feel completely fine and actively want to go out and do things and see people.

 

I'm not very confident with people I've never met which apparently comes off as stuck up/stand off'ish as oppose to shyness, which is something I need to work on, it's not my intention but something I've been told by someone I ended up talking to a lot as my initial lack of conversations and eye contact made them think I hated them at first.

 

I think I'm getting better at that though, as soon as I told myself it's just as awkward NOT talking as it is talking about something stupid/making a slight fool of myself, I found it was better to open up a little bit to people and not be a closed book all of the time.

[Pancake]

Yeah if there's more than 3 peeps in the room i basically don't speak.

[Falcon_BlizZACK]

Yeah if there's more than 3 peeps in the room i basically don't speak.

 

But do you ever question 'why?'.

[Pancake]

But do you ever question 'why?'.

 

Cos my brain is... special? It sees more than 3 and automatically goes into "NOPE" mode.

 

So then i just play Tetris on my phone instead.

[Fierce_LiNk]

A great thread, nice one @Ashley.

 

I'd say that my confidence has improved massively over the last few years, especially when it comes to speaking out loud pubically or with a large group of people. Being a teacher, you have to have a bit of that about you. Talking to children is easy, but talking to other staff (especially when you have to deliver something) is much more daunting to me. I'm getting better at that, though.

 

I was pretty quiet I'd say through school and uni. At work, I had a similar experience to @drahkon. We were running a massive production...Annie. I originally got asked to work backstage, which was fine by me. Moving things, lifting heavy things and putting them down again...I do that 4 or so times a week anyway! Then, things escalated. I go asked if I wanted to be a non-speaking extra. Uhhh, ok. Next, it was an extra with a few speaking lines. I said something along the lines of, "Sure, I guess...but I really can't act, or sing, or dance." The next time I met with the person running the show, I had been promoted to the character of Rooster, which meant...singing in front of over 200 people (closer to 300 I think), dancing...and acting. I was not happy! But, like @drahkon, I pulled it off and gained loads of confidence after that. Once you've done something like that, you can do anything really.

 

A huge part of confidence is about self-belief. If you don't believe in what you say or do, then many won't either. Some people can be tricked, but not many. So, that's what you try and project. I get what you're saying @Ashley about imposter syndrome. Sometimes I still feel that way, that I'm not really great at what I do, or that somebody else is better than me at what I do. I'm learning to not let that bother me and that, actually, in a lot of ways, I am great at what I do. And the things that I'm not so great at, they can be worked at over time.