Iun

I know it's a developing country is all, but I have to brag... My daily cost at the moment looks like this: 25 RMB from doorstep to metro station in a taxi 7 RMB metro ride to work district 15 RMB taxi to actually work place 1 RMB bus fair back to metro 7 RMB metro to home. Total = 55 RMB = 5.60 GBP* *IMPORTANT ADDENDUM: People occasionally drop their trousers and just take a shit right there on the metro platform, the squalling larvae of slack-jawed locals either never stop crying, or only stop to start jumping up and down on the seats and kicking people, the buses stop only if THEY feel like it and taxi drivers will almost certainly try to rip you off in any way possible. ** **ADDITIONAL: as a non-Chinese person, you are going to get stared at, spoken about as if you weren't there, kids will spit at you and parents will not do anything about it, they will allow the disgusting little spuds to pee on the train floor and not even blink, dirty veiny boobs will be produced for breastfeeding whenever desired.

Oi, I can read what you wrote you know!

Reading that just makes me realise how much I suck.

Oh, I'm everywhere these days... crappy YouTube videos, bus advertisements, the sex offenders register, People Magazine, cameos in movies...

Banana Sandwiches - the only way to get me to eat brown bread as a child. Also apple and sugar sandwiches.

That's what The Night Before is for! Make it at 8pm and have it at 8am! Do the same with waffle or pancake batter! Nomming is so much easier when you prepare ahead!

The pair of you are sick... Besides,myou need to add milk plus a touch of vanilla and sugar to your French toast in the preparation stage. Or even better, vanilla sugar which is a finer sugar and dissolves more quickly. Leave the bread soaking in the mixture for thirty minutes in the fridge.

Mangomangomangomangomangoooooooooooooo! Favourite is pineapple,not a "walking fruit" whichever way you look at it.

LOL, hello Stephene, are you probably 14? Have a fishy stick.

Solidarity, brother.

Ah... That was the ex-GF, the wife... Is.... Still around...sadly. Really, don't ask.

Bread has to go in the fridge in China, it goes mouldy far quicker than stale here - the humidity and heat in Shanghai are murder for food. The ExBitch once left a yoghurt out of the fridge for a few hours in high summer, she ate it and within 4 hours she had gastroenteritis. Eggs also go into the fridge for the same reason, but I have to admit... I don't like eggs. Something about the flavour and consistency of a fried egg makes me feel like I'm eating plastic human flesh... Weird, I know. But: bleugh.

British tongue-in-cheek humour, it demands respect.

Ooh, don't forget the extra £5.49 handling charge for cash. Seriously though, China is just full of scam artists: there was this massive one where people bought boxes of dirt and earthworms for £100 a box and the seller "promised" to come back in a year to take the boxes away and double their money. Something about using the soil in the boxes as high-grade agricultural fertiliser. People were cheated out of thousands of pounds, and the guy never came back. But honestly: deserved it. Then there was one from my own experience: Them: Hey you wanna job? Great money! 100% commission based helping expatriates in the Mediterranean manage their assets! You can make €3000 a month! Me: "Can" make, "more likely" live of baked beans and porridge. Them: No way man! People make so much money I have to TELL them to go one and stop making money at 5pm! But they don't want to! Because they're making so much money! Me: Or rather, they haven't made any money this week and if they can't score a few quid off some hapless expat twat, they'll be sleeping on a park bench before the week is out. Them: Let me lay my cards on the table; opportunities like this don't come round very often! Me: That's because by the time you've conned enough people into taking up the job, you're already out of business. And so on. Oh! And there's the "Tea Scam" here: A pair of "students" will approach you somewhere near People's Park or East Nanjing Road and ask you to take a picture. They start yammering on at you about how much the love the West and ask you to go to a "Traditional Tea Ceremony". You agree, then they take you to this ratty little tea house where you are served all these "ancient and famous" Chinese teas. Which are actually not ancient or famous. Then the bill comes, and it's £500. Your student friends, being students, immediately plead poverty and you are left to cough up. If you refuse, they put the hurt on you. Two sets of scammers actually tried that crap on me last Saturday within about 10 feet of each other.

Did no-one else look at that ceiling and think "This Toy Department Is Brought To You By The Umbrella Corporation"? Seriously, I'd expect families to be "mysteriously disappearing" there all the time.

Actually, if you give me £9.99 a month, I'll tell you about a fantastic opportunity...

Choux pastry, going to have a crack at it later. Anyone made it before?

You're allowed near children? <sigh> Rapture is here, everyone, world ending, cats and dogs living together, Jay taking care of the kids... everybody shuffle disconsolately to the prayer shelters we built, no lollygagging. How's tricks? Did you buy a wobble board yet?

Can't see YouTube in China, shall I assume that's surely an Airplane! reference?

I'm sure there are a few available in the UK if you look? I was genuinely thinking about getting one myself for the times on the metro when I'm desperate to check my email.

Way ahead of you *fling* "ook" I lost interest in the progress of the English language when the "LOL" acronym fell into common usage. It was annoying when people sent you emails ending with a "LOL" but when people started saying it instead of laughing, I had to just check out of the whole English language debate,

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/HUAWEI-E560-MOBILE-3G-HSPA-PORTABLE-WIFI-WIRELESS-MODEM-HOTSPOT-ROUTER-UNLOCKED-/160733247560?pt=UK_Computing_Wireless_Routers&hash=item256c72b848 Portable wifi hotspot, one of my staff members have one. Apparently they're good for up to 3hours.

True, some, for example, evolved into the Chinese Communist Party. And that's where the dead end came. This would be pretty cool, but has anyone considered the consequences of dinosaurs coming back to life? Whole wings of the museum would have to close, then fossil prices would drop like a stone! How in the hell would we pay off our mortgages then?! I'm certainly not going to earn any real cash by shaking down fruit trees. No, no. This has to stop otherwise I'll be in debt to that raccoon forever.

I've always thought that Jidderbug looks like the new Batmobile on ecstasy. And go for practicality every time, sorry.