Beast Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is, my ex didn't do anything wrong. It was all me, and in the end she still gave herself most of the blame. She said she believes she wasn't strong enough to help me. The first 6 months of our relationship have been great. We were happy, we could rule the world. But then I did all the things that ended our relationship in the end. Now I have to figure out why I did that and how I can change. I've tried to change a couple of months ago, when she gave me a second chance. I couldn't make it work. And as jay said, I probably have to work that out before I should ever do something in the love-department again. Is it something that you know is bad, like something major? If so, it can be changed. If it's something that's your personality and just who you are, why change for someone who can't accept you? I wouldn't change nothing about me. What if she doesn't want me to talk to her? I won't be able to find out where I stand.. But you will. By her not wanting to talk to you, you'd know it's the end and you can move on. Good luck though! I hope everything works out for you in the end!
jayseven Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't say talk to her in a week's time. I'd say don't talk to her again. Rather than living your life looking forwards to these checkpoints you need to refocus for a while. Priority here is you.
drahkon Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) Is it something that you know is bad, like something major? It is. I've never eally taken interest in her life and friends. That's what I do with pretty much everyone. I often don't care about what they do. Don't think anyone can just accept that. I realized a couple of months ago that I needed to change. I have to take interest in people's lives. Maybe it's the that, jay was takling about: If you're in a position to be saying detrimental things about yourself then maybe you do need to take the time to work on that before you play the love game? I wouldn't say talk to her in a week's time. I'd say don't talk to her again. Rather than living your life looking forwards to these checkpoints you need to refocus for a while. Priority here is you. I know it wouldn't be a good idea...but..it's just so difficult to accept. Edit: Don't know what do do. I have a couple of days off so no distraction at work. My friends are busy studying. Everything I think about is what I shouldn't be thinking about. Edited February 5, 2013 by drahkon
ReZourceman Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is, my ex didn't do anything wrong. It was all me, and in the end she still gave herself most of the blame. She said she believes she wasn't strong enough to help me. The first 6 months of our relationship have been great. We were happy, we could rule the world. But then I did all the things that ended our relationship in the end. Now I have to figure out why I did that and how I can change. I've tried to change a couple of months ago, when she gave me a second chance. I couldn't make it work. And as jay said, I probably have to work that out before I should ever do something in the love-department again. What if she doesn't want me to talk to her? I won't be able to find out where I stand.. Edit: For got to thank you guys for your support. So here goes: Thank you What did you do?
Magnus Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I can't tell if you didn't read his last post or if this is just a subtle joke about you not taking enough of an interest in his life. :p
ReZourceman Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It was so small I missed it haha.... Erm. Sounds weird. Did she never take you out to meet her friends? You can't just....like.....I dunno. Part of me is like; why should you give a shit. But I mean, obviously you should care a little. Like if she mentions X person, you say "Oh is X okay". Without knowing the full details, it sounds like a really weird reason to end a relationship. Myearh.
Fierce_LiNk Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It is. I've never eally taken interest in her life and friends. That's what I do with pretty much everyone. I often don't care about what they do.Don't think anyone can just accept that. Sorry you're not with her any more. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but if things were the other way around and she was the one who didn't "care" what you did, would it bother you? I think part of being in a relationship sometimes is that you want the other person to be a part of your life. Maybe not all the time, you don't have to go overboard with it. For example, maybe that's why gamer girls are quite highly regarded by us mans, because it's hot having a girl with the same interests as you. When you were with her friends, did you ever make the effort to talk and socialise? It's quite a hard to do.
Ville Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Yep, maybe if her friends just aren't that interesting? Or that she's interested in stuff that you aren't? I mean you can't force it...
ReZourceman Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I force Claire into listening to me talk about LEGO and comic books all the time.
Beast Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 It is. I've never really taken interest in her life and friends. That's what I do with pretty much everyone. I often don't care about what they do.Don't think anyone can just accept that. I realized a couple of months ago that I needed to change. I have to take interest in people's lives. Maybe it's the that, jay was takling about: I wouldn't call that major. Like, okay, you should care a little or whatever but if you don't, just fake it and say "Oh really" or "No way" or "You were in the right". :p On a serious note though, I really wouldn't call it major. I mean, it's not like she'd love every single aspect of your life. I can see it from your point of view: They're people you don't know or don't care about so why would you care in the first place but then I can see it from her point of view as to you not being interested means that you ain't listening when you are...you just don't care... I think you guys are better off apart or just on a break, you both need to clear your heads and as for the distraction thing, watch some movies or play some Playstation. Get inFamous and totally destroy shit.
Ashley Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Yeah but in fairness she's a pigment of your imagination
drahkon Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 if things were the other way around and she was the one who didn't "care" what you did, would it bother you? Of course it would. I understand why she broke up. When you were with her friends, did you ever make the effort to talk and socialise? It's quite a hard to do. I did try. But there is actually nothing them and me have in commnon. And I just can't pretend to like stuff they like. Part of me is like; why should you give a shit. But I mean, obviously you should care a little. Like if she mentions X person, you say "Oh is X okay". Without knowing the full details, it sounds like a really weird reason to end a relationship. It's not the only reason. I think I've said it before, but my father died in 2009. I've never really dealt with it, still haven't. I think this is kind of a reason why I feel down so often. My ex always tried to pick me up, but I wouldn't let her. I would just annoy her, be mad at her for no reason...it destroyed her and she can't put up with it anylonger. I think you guys are better off apart or just on a break Someday I will think the same. It's gonna take a lot of time though as I have been madly in love with her...still am.
jayseven Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Dude depression isn't something a girlfriend can just 'pick you up' out of. It's not something someone can grab you from and pull you to the surface. Get some help dealing with that. See your doctor. It's part of the 'sort yourself out first' plan.
drahkon Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) Well, I don't have the time nor the money to get professional help (it's complicated in Germany when it comes to money in medical issues). What I will do is, I will focus on my job, focus on achieving a couple of goals in life (visit New York, write a short story, learn to play the guitar) and as I've posted in the 'bad stuff thread' just now, let time mend my heart. I know you might say that I definitely should get professional help, but right now all I want to do is focus on myself without anyone meddling with my life (not saying I won't seek further help and advice from friends and people in this forum). As I've said, my determination hasn't reached 100%, but I think I'm on a good way, even though it hasn't even been two days since the break-up. Edit: I keep forgetting: Thank you all for you help. It's been sometime that I've been able to talk about all the things that happened in my life. Someday I'll be able to really talk about that with someone close to me instead of this forum. You guys are great. Edited February 6, 2013 by drahkon
jayseven Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 http://www.visitberlin.de/en/article/counselling-centres ... now I know you're not in Berlin but your google search will pull up better results than my .co.uk one. Of course there are options available to you that are free. You live in one of the most developed countries on the planet! Depression is a serious thing and because it is something that originates within your own head it is something that requires external help and guidance from experts who can give you added perspective. The help is there. But, as JonSt says, you have to take the ain't-easy path and get it yourself.
drahkon Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Actually, I've been searching for something similar after posting. I'm considering to go to someone who offers help near my hometown.
Beast Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Okay so I spoke to USA last night. We talked about how we wanted to be a couple real bad but the distance was in the way and we both agreed that the distance thing was something that was pretty big and we were talking about the problems such as meeting people who were local and stuff. I said that I really, really liked her and she felt the same way and I said that I think we still should be boyfriend and girlfriend but if we do meet someone local and we think there could actually be a future in it, we would tell the other and we would remain friends because I believe we're strong enough to do that. I told her I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all and I also said that all I wanted was to see her happy, which I do. Whether she agrees to it or not is another thing but hey, why not enjoy it while we can, eh?
Beast Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 So I have an update from what I said last night and she agreed and thought it was a great idea. We both agreed that we'd both be absolutely honest with each other and if the time comes, we would tell the other and nothing bad would happen. So yeah, it kind of looks like I have a girlfriend now, haha. I just wished she was next to me . Still, seeing her on Skype is better than not seeing her at all. I was totally honest with her all the way though and told her she was the first girl I really liked since my ex six years ago and I really want to talk to her no matter what and she said I've become a huge part of her life as well and she said she now can't imagine going through a week without talking to me, which is cool.
bob Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 So yeah, it kind of looks like I have a girlfriend now, haha. Pics, or it didn't happen.
Jim Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Actually, I've been searching for something similar after posting. I'm considering to go to someone who offers help near my hometown. If you're at the stage where you are considering it, then don't waste another second and just do it. Like j7 says, your brain makes the decision for you... If it's telling you to consider it, then get it done. The opposite would be if you're telling yourself that you are going to be okay, there's no indication of that from what you've told us here. The sooner you get things happening, the sooner you can get on top of it.
jayseven Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 It seems that Mutual Friend (I like how we're all adopting codenames for our little dramas - kudos @Raining_again for kicking it off) has been trying to stick her oar in a little bit. Basically, Mutual Friend is having boy troubles -- she likes this guy who is an absolute dickcunttwatface who treats her with absolutely no respect and if she shows a bit of backbone and says "you said you'd come over today. It's 11pm I've been waiting all day, where are you?" he replies with "ffs stop making me feel guilty! God, get a grip" ... which is a total :| in my book. MF isn't great at just.. severing it like she needs to. So anyway she decided to bring up (as if it ever went away) me leaving to Oz in like 5 weeks to Hot Girl (herein known in as 'my gal' or some other derivative thereof), and both MF and my lassie had been having a few drinks whilst I was *shock* sober, so at 2am I'm inundated with a barrage of worries and concerns and nonsense that essentially said "I don't think we should spend v-day together because it's a coupley thing and we're not a couple even though we are mutually exclusive, both like each other a lot, eat each other's faces in public and do worse in private, but I'm scared that if we get too close it'll be painful when we part" (paraphrasing, obv.). This was another mild melodrama episode, and thanks to the last one I was totes chill the whole time, lolling through and all that; I basically said "I'm not going to go in reverse. I'm not going to sabotage my own happiness through some fear that has yet to manifest." Clearly the pudding was well baked by me, because the proof was hotdamnyeahboi last night. Uh huh uh huh uh huh... A-hem... But yeah - got to consider MF a potential malefactor. She does deal in drama, so I hope she doesn't whisper in my lady's ear too much -- though my lady appeared yesterday and seems to have made up her mind -- we're going to give up on 'going slow' and enjoy our time and simply deal with the separation when it happens. My vote is in the long-distance relationship camp. But no facebook-official tag-line in sight!
Beast Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Pics, or it didn't happen. You mean a picture of her? I would but I'm not so sure she'd want her picture on a site she don't know about... It seems that Mutual Friend (I like how we're all adopting codenames for our little dramas - kudos @Raining_again for kicking it off) has been trying to stick her oar in a little bit. Basically, Mutual Friend is having boy troubles -- she likes this guy who is an absolute dickcunttwatface who treats her with absolutely no respect and if she shows a bit of backbone and says "you said you'd come over today. It's 11pm I've been waiting all day, where are you?" he replies with "ffs stop making me feel guilty! God, get a grip" ... which is a total :| in my book. MF isn't great at just.. severing it like she needs to. So anyway she decided to bring up (as if it ever went away) me leaving to Oz in like 5 weeks to Hot Girl (herein known in as 'my gal' or some other derivative thereof), and both MF and my lassie had been having a few drinks whilst I was *shock* sober, so at 2am I'm inundated with a barrage of worries and concerns and nonsense that essentially said "I don't think we should spend v-day together because it's a coupley thing and we're not a couple even though we are mutually exclusive, both like each other a lot, eat each other's faces in public and do worse in private, but I'm scared that if we get too close it'll be painful when we part" (paraphrasing, obv.). This was another mild melodrama episode, and thanks to the last one I was totes chill the whole time, lolling through and all that; I basically said "I'm not going to go in reverse. I'm not going to sabotage my own happiness through some fear that has yet to manifest." Clearly the pudding was well baked by me, because the proof was hotdamnyeahboi last night. Uh huh uh huh uh huh... A-hem... But yeah - got to consider MF a potential malefactor. She does deal in drama, so I hope she doesn't whisper in my lady's ear too much -- though my lady appeared yesterday and seems to have made up her mind -- we're going to give up on 'going slow' and enjoy our time and simply deal with the separation when it happens. My vote is in the long-distance relationship camp. But no facebook-official tag-line in sight! Yeah, MF doesn't sound right and it sounds like she's only doing it because her relationship is a mess and has decided to meddle into yours by planting unnecessary thoughts into her head. Granted that they are something that needs to be talked about but it's absolutely none of her business whatsoever so she isn't right to be stirring the pot. Do what I did: Just tell her to enjoy it while you can. I mean, are you both serious or is it a bit of fun and then you'll be friends? Do you both want to be serious? Do you both mind being so far apart and seeing each other whenever you or her visit either country? In the end, all of these things can be spoken about before you get back OR they can be spoken about now to clear the air so you can enjoy the remainder of your time.
jayseven Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 We've talked about it a lot, and she's afraid that she'll feel pretty bad when we split. It's a serious thing, not just a bit of fun. I've met a lot of people in my life and there's a list I can count on two fingers that made me feel like this. It's surreal, supernatural, sublime. I've done the long-distance thing and she hasn't, so I can kinda predict the roller-coaster ahead whereas it's all alien to her. In my heart of hearts, I know she can cope -- but still, having a not-quite-two-month relationship then an 8 month spell apart? It's a bit mental, really. It's sensible to put some failsafes into the mix. It's just that... having not met many people like this I KNOW I don't want to just let it go in 5 weeks time. So yeah, the brakes are off and we're enjoying it - the more we do, the more we'll experience the heartache of Aus. But hey, what is life without such intense drama? Makes me smile.
drahkon Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Hm. Hate it when memories get the better of me and throw me into misery. My brain tells me not to chase after the girl, my heart tells me not to stop fighting. What I - or rather my brain and my heart - need to understand is that I might - probably even shouldn't - fight for her, but only after I've stopped chasing her and figured out who I am. Patience is a virtue. And I hate my brain/my heart. I must sound like a sad sad person.
jayseven Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You sound like someone who has loved someone intensely, but not known that it's possible to love others. Your heart is fighting to hold on because it's afraid it'll never feel again. There are better people out there for you. It just isn't something that happens overnight. Some people get lucky and meet someone new quick, others wait years. But you will never meet someone interesting if you are so preoccupied with, frankly, feeling sorry for yourself. Self-pity is not an attractive feature. Which is why you need to continue to progress! Keep her gone; keep working at bettering yourself. Don't be in a hurry to replace that part of your life - learn to live life by yourself. The whole point of love is that you share life. It's not about giving over a chunk of you to their control. If I was wallowing in the wake of a lost love then I'd've not only had my eyes shut to a decent girl but also have been repulsive to her. I'm not saying you can snap out of it -- I have wallowed for months. I'm just saying that meeting someone new is a significant thing - a significant sign that does not come easy. Don't be in any hurry, because if you are then all you'll do is rush into a new mistake. You're lost and alone. Find yourself.
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