Love? Relationships? Boy girl stuff? Complaints and appraisals! Gifs be welcome.

[nightwolf]

To answer your question:

 

I'd feel pretty ignored.

 

In context for you @Rummy my partner and I have now been together over two years now and have lived long distance (he lives an hour away in London, but it takes about 2 hours to reach me). We've had our bumpiness like this before. We speak regularly through Skype, but to be honest a lot of the time I can feel ignored, as I'm very much into chatting a lot. In person I find it a lot less necessary. We've had to accommodate each other and we now at the very least say good morning each day, just to let each other know we're thinking of one another. Its really worked. (we also have one skype call a week that's just talking, no games or other things, which is nice too.)

 

My first thought would to bring it up, communication is key, if she's flaky, you have your answer. From what you've said it seems that perhaps she's either caught up in university stuff or her heart isn't in it. But I'll preface this by saying, I'm guessing, because I can't read the texts or speak to her directly.

 

Speak to her, tell her you're feeling a bit ignored and go from there. That doesn't seem very unreasonable from this point of view.

 

Good luck friend

[Rummy]

To answer your question:

 

I'd feel pretty ignored.

 

In context for you @Rummy my partner and I have now been together over two years now and have lived long distance (he lives an hour away in London, but it takes about 2 hours to reach me). We've had our bumpiness like this before. We speak regularly through Skype, but to be honest a lot of the time I can feel ignored, as I'm very much into chatting a lot. In person I find it a lot less necessary. We've had to accommodate each other and we now at the very least say good morning each day, just to let each other know we're thinking of one another. Its really worked. (we also have one skype call a week that's just talking, no games or other things, which is nice too.)

 

My first thought would to bring it up, communication is key, if she's flaky, you have your answer. From what you've said it seems that perhaps she's either caught up in university stuff or her heart isn't in it. But I'll preface this by saying, I'm guessing, because I can't read the texts or speak to her directly.

 

Speak to her, tell her you're feeling a bit ignored and go from there. That doesn't seem very unreasonable from this point of view.

 

Good luck friend

 

I think maybe I'm the opposite - I would like to talk a little in between but not just for the sake of it. In person I'd expect we'd talk lots! But having said that, we don't have to if we're comfortable, so I dunno.

 

As for bringing it up - well, that's what I tried today and it went all sorts of wrong. It's difficult to have a conversation with somebody if they insist the only method of communication is going to be through texts and not phone calls for me - I feel texts just lose so much of what else is in a conversation if it's on any level of depth or feeling. The only alternative is talking about it when we're in person - but it's been bugging me for 2 weeks already and as I said I won't see her anytime soon that I know of. How the hell does one talk about something if you...can't talk! I don't know if she took the actual things I was writing in the texts into account or if it was just an argument. I just...I dunno. It's fucking horrible just sitting here not talking because texts make it feel worse, but I can't have a verbal conversation because she won't let me call her.

 

The end to our 'conversation' this morning was trying to get me to admit I'd been rude at the start of the convo - me saying ok maybe and her saying pretty much that it's just not cool. I'll message her before I sleep saying I'm sorry we argued and I didn't want to, I just miss her and find it hard, and that texts don't convey enough for me. I don't wanna go to bed on it, and I'll just hope for the best from there and maybe pull back a bit for my own sake. She's going to think I'm ignoring/upset with her, but it's more that it's just currently hard for me otherwise with bitpart texts.

 

EDIT: Didn't text her as I been up working later than I planned, will do it in the morning. Can't face another argument off it though.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Rummy

[DriftKaiser]

Just got matched with a bot haha. What a joke!

[Nuntendo]

Just got matched with a bot haha. What a joke!

 

OMG its really happening! - the robots are trying to breed the human race in to extinction

[Magnus]

OMG its really happening! - the robots are trying to breed the human race in to extinction

This seems more like a Battlestar Galactica type of situation to me.

[Nuntendo]

This seems more like a Battlestar Galactica type of situation to me.

 

Referencing a TV programme over a perfectly good video game reference on a video game forum!? Thats something that an older model Synth would do! :o

[Charlie]

So, question: How often is reasonable to see your other half? How long have you been together?

 

 

Also current things!

Haven't seen my lady friend for 2 weeks(is only a trip into london for me, but she had uni work, and then she went on a holiday last week) and we only text when we're not together because she hates phone calls. Tbh I'd seen her 3 weeks ago and asked if I'd see her before her holiday - she didn't even seem sure til I suggested I'd come up and see her again a week later. I understand she's got uni and work to do and I don't mind just chilling with her whilst she does it but meh.

She has placement this week(12 hour shifts) and I probably won't see her at all. It's also my birthday this week, and whilst I'm not explicitly doing anything I thought she'd maybe be thinking about trying to see me. It bugs me. I miss her, and texts just ain't the same, I wanted to call/speak to her just before she flew for holiday - she almost pretty much ignored it. She came back yesterday, text me a bit(was messaging whilst on holiday too) but no mention of trying to see me. I dunno if I'm going crazy, but I miss her, and tell her, and she says she misses me too - but sometimes I wonder how much effort she wants to make to see me. Resultantly I've had a massive text barney this morning - half fired off by me thinking she ignored me for an hour after I asked if I'd see her soon because her fucking message didn't come through(VERY unfortunate, evident only halfway through the conversation) and she thinking I was ignoring her a bit too. I want to see her, or at least talk to her on the phone, but she's said phone calls make her anxious and uncomfortable(we've had like 2-3 before, usually brief when there's been an issue) and she's absolutely unwilling to compromise on them.

 

The thing is if she texts me(sometimes those awkward 'statement' texts that you can't neccessarily make a good reply to) I make an effort to text back most of the time. If I don't, I get worried she'll think I don't want to talk to her or something's wrong. Sometimes a conversation flows ok, sometimes it doesn't. I don't feel like we struggle when we're together, and in fact that's fantastic, but when we're apart sometimes all the crazyness creeps into my head. I'm thinking about saying I need to dial back texting her back - because tbh it does kinda hurt me having this half a text conversation but not having her, but I dunno. I think she's gonna take to it badly and think I'm just trying to punish her for the phone call thing.

I feel like more often than not she's putting her before me than me before her, but I don't know if I'm just being crazy or what. I feel like I'm giving more than she is sometimes, though. I dunno if it's just the age thing or what, but I am starting to wonder if I can carry on doing it/giving as much.

 

tl;dr - how would you feel if you'd only communicated with your other half through messages and nothing else for 2+ weeks?

 

 

(powar aboose caveat: my posts may mysteriously edit or dissappear, along with quotes of them, in the event she ever discovers N-E and how much this place matters to me)

 

 

To be perfectly honest with you, it doesn't really sound like she's that interested. Has it been going on for long like this? It's a bit strange, generally you do want to see your other half.

[Rummy]

To be perfectly honest with you, it doesn't really sound like she's that interested. Has it been going on for long like this? It's a bit strange, generally you do want to see your other half.

 

I know, and the thought crosses my mind too, but I don't know if it's the case. She was taking the initiative to keep messaging me when she was on holiday - I was dialing it back a bit then cos y'kno, enjoy the holiday without having to think about me, I don't mind! You're on holiday! We've both acknowledged that she is very changeable in her mind, too.

 

We'd generally seen each other about once a week or so though - sometimes at shared things, sometimes just us. Last two times(2 and 3 weeks ago, respectively) I went to see her at uni in London because she had lots of work to do etc and I thought well I don't mind just chilling while she works, and she seemed fine with that too. Ftr when 'at home' she's super close by me pretty much, but uni's like an hours journey in or out.

 

They booked the holiday on a whim a few weeks before goin - now we've only been together for what...2 months or so. In my mind I was a bit 'oh, just go away for a week, thats ok' then I thought how silly I was being about that. But here's my thinking - if you know after seeing me for the last time that you're going away in a week(1 week), will then be away for that week(2 weeks, where we are now), and then be busy with placements the week you come back(3 weeks) which is also my birthday week - would you not have the foresight to consider some time to maybe see me?

 

But that's ME. That's how *I* think. We are quite similar sometimes but we're also quite different too. She doesn't see any issue with cancelling - I have a massive issue. If I make a plan with someone one-on-one I'll be there 98-99%(and still 90-95% at group things) of the time because I respect their time and don't like cancelling. I wouldn't like it done to me, so I won't do it to them. She says she doesn't want to make a plan to see me then cancel because she knows I don't like it - that's fair. However one thing that sparked the argument yesterday is I told her to maybe make a plan and stick to it - how can you honestly have no ability to fit someone into your schedule? So that brings me to my bigger issue.

 

Maybe I'm just not priority enough for her. I feel it time and again. That's fine, I guess, if it's the case. But then I can't be expected to have her as my priority all the time either - I don't mean a selfish 'only give as good as you get', but it can be draining or take effort to reply to every single little text(especially if they're 'closed' ones) but then if I don't she'll get upset that I'm ignoring her. The texts drain me. I'm talking to her without having her, it's a ghost of her for me, and it makes me miss her more. I like talking to people verbally or in person as preference usually!

 

Maybe it's that she doesn't know what she wants. I just wish she'd talk a bit more maybe, open up or tell me. I sometimes feel like she thinks things but doesn't tell me, and when we do talk she ends up going into quite an 'I don't know' mode.

 

 

But all these things are just the mental things that run through MY head. I don't tell her all of them, because I know that maybe they're not so rational. I wonder if she equally has as much going through hers. She's young too, and ironically very much like I was then in many ways, so I keep giving a sort of benefit of the doubt. I don't know how much I can continue doing it though. Is it a worthy benefit of the doubt?

 

 

I text her this morning - just saying I was sorry for yesterday, that I miss her and am finding things a bit hard and that texts just don't convey enough for me, but I hope things won't be weird now. She said she got where I'm coming from but the whole argument(which is actually almost two slightly different arguments, as one crucial text didn't come through on my end)/me getting annoyed at her didn't help and just made her feel like she didn't want to see me. She says she doesn't want things to be weird either but feels like they are but when I asked how - 'idk just weird'.

 

I just dunno man. I can't sort this out in a fucking text conversation. It's just lacking so much. I'm worried maybe she doesn't want this/us, and if so she might even avoid me some, but who knows. I don't want to walk away from this, I want this to work cos when I'm with her it feels really good, but is it terrible that I do think to myself that I could? Like, I do NOT want to. But I can. I'll be upset, but it won't destroy my life; I dunno if that's an age thing or what. It could seem like a bigger deal to her. I keep putting work and effort to avoid that though, even for the gripes I have. I think we can and just need to find a balance that works for us both, and I hope we can. I just feel a bit worried and guilty about myself thinking that I CAN walk away, even though I vehemently don't want to.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Rummy

[Raining_again]

If someone can't be bothered to plan and make time for their partner/whatever and actually stick to it, they are a pretty shitty person or just not into that person.

[Nuntendo]

@Rummy

 

I dont blame you for being frustrated - I would be frustrated too if I were you. But then again, I have always put my relationships above everything else in my life. We're different people I guess.

 

You say she doesnt like phone calls - but what about Skype? I dont really understand the big deal about not being able to be on a phone call with your boyfriend but maybe Skype would be different for her? I dunno, its a weird situaton from my perspective tbh.

 

So yeah, maybe she doesnt know what she wants. But what do you want? Because it doesnt sound like you're getting what you need out of this relationship at the moment. Would everything be better if you could just phone her once in a while? If so, you had better get that sorted somehow. Or is there more to it?

Edited May 31, 2016 by Nuntendo

[Shorty]

I think I have determined that, for the time being, I can't suggest escalating to anything more serious at this point. She's casually brought up more than once how much fun she's having, as if to tell me "that's all this is". Since we started out on Tinder, I have wisely kept my expectations in check and tbh am glad I've kept quiet until now. Maybe things will changed down the line, but if not, that's okay.

 

I can't stay in this state forever though, eventually I guess I'll have to say I want something more serious, or to move on. I don't want to reach that point though I wouldn't be surprised if I just keep doing this indefinitely because of not wanting to lose this connection ://

[Rummy]

@Rummy

 

I dont blame you for being frustrated - I would be frustrated too if I were you. But then again, I have always put my relationships above everything else in my life. We're different people I guess.

 

You say she doesnt like phone calls - but what about Skype? I dont really understand the big deal about not being able to be on a phone call with your boyfriend but maybe Skype would be different for her? I dunno, its a weird situaton from my perspective tbh.

 

So yeah, maybe she doesnt know what she wants. But what do you want? Because it doesnt sound like you're getting what you need out of this relationship at the moment. Would everything be better if you could just phone her once in a while? If so, you had better get that sorted somehow. Or is there more to it?

 

Tbh if she ain't gonna do a phone call then I dunno about the Skyping! I'm not a big skypey kinda person but meh, something to consider I guess. I'm very much the same as yourself however - I'd put my relationship first as much as I can, and plan for it, too. As for what I want? Her lol. I'm a very peopley kind of person - I like seeing people or possibly chatting to them. I don't tend to call people for a chat, and I don't make phone calls too often maybe, but usually when I do end up calling someone with a point I'll end up gassing for a few or more. It's just me, I need a lot of social I guess, and texts are just not the same. I wasn't even planning to be calling every day or anything, I just meant maybe once or twice a week if I'm not gonna see her at all - but we never even got that far as she adamantly shot the whole fucking thing down, zero compromise. It's not like it just came up bugging me this weekend - but I didn't want to bring it up whilst she still had exam/essays to write, nor just before she went on holiday.

 

Really I know what it is I think - I don't feel like I'm priority enough and tiering it down from there. Not seeing her's shit, but then a phone call could alleviate that for the interaction I'm essentially after. That makes it sound super clinical, but a verbal chat/convo is just something. I think I'm more pissed off due to it being my birthday this week and I thought, god forbid, it'd warrant some more effort. If I'm not gonna get anything, I'm gonna have to just not give anything - because it's draining to give and not get. I don't meant it to be that you should give expecting a return, but making effort for hurt just ain't not good. Whilst I don't notice our age gap normally either - she IS still 19/20, I dunno if that makes all this a bit different too.

 

Anyhow, Marcamillian popped round yesterday and helped with a chat(I'm super tired and busy/stressed recent too, so I'm doubting myself). It's basically shit right now because I don't have her, and I want to talk through this, but can't in texts. So I'm just gonna pull back a bit on the texts(out of sight/out of mind) and wait til she suggests seeing me and go from there. I'm not gonna be totally silent but kinda go with a bit of @nightwolf's suggestion and text her maybe in the morn and in the eve. If she asks why I'm not texting as much as before I'll just tell her it's exactly what it is - it's hard for me cos I'm missing her with no end in sight.

 

I'm hoping it ISN'T that she doesn't want this/me, and I'll see what happens when we talk, but right now it's just an annoying limbo. Gotta just get on with it though I guess, nothing else to do.

 

I think I have determined that, for the time being, I can't suggest escalating to anything more serious at this point. She's casually brought up more than once how much fun she's having, as if to tell me "that's all this is". Since we started out on Tinder, I have wisely kept my expectations in check and tbh am glad I've kept quiet until now. Maybe things will changed down the line, but if not, that's okay.

 

I can't stay in this state forever though, eventually I guess I'll have to say I want something more serious, or to move on. I don't want to reach that point though I wouldn't be surprised if I just keep doing this indefinitely because of not wanting to lose this connection ://

 

Obviously, I'm in very little rational mind of advice right now - but one thing I'm thinking is that some women are crazy! Could it be she's telling you how much fun she's having, rather than to say that's all this is, but to want it to be more? Of course one problem with threads like this is, just like my text situation, there's so much context lacking for how we're describing the other person. You get to feel like your instincts are best despite what advice you get, but I'm really trying to avoid falling into some of the absolutely mental shit that goes through my mind sometimes.

Edited May 31, 2016 by Rummy

[nightwolf]

Women are crazy.

 

Let me correct that for you.

 

People are crazy. Absolutely, 110% bonkers, especially in relationships.

 

I hope that it works out for you and that backing away a little will give you your answer. Its a shame that this sort of thing isn't an exact science.

[Raining_again]

Yeah men can be just as cray cray.

[Happenstance]

Women be like:

 

 

While men be like:

 

[drahkon]

Yeah men can be just as cray cray.

 

 

We are the sane.

 

we're totally fucking crazy

[Rummy]

Let me correct that for you.

 

People are crazy. Absolutely, 110% bonkers, especially in relationships.

 

I hope that it works out for you and that backing away a little will give you your answer. Its a shame that this sort of thing isn't an exact science.

 

Whilst I agree with the sentiment - do please note you've slightly quoted me out of context there :p

[MoogleViper]

So I'm officially in a relationship.

[stuwii]

Women are crazy , men are stupid . At the end of the day if you have love and understanding it will work . If you don't ... Well all of a sudden it's gone

[Cube]

So I'm officially in a relationship.

 

I thought we agreed to keep it secret.

[MoogleViper]

I thought we agreed to keep it secret.

 

I just couldn't keep it in.

 

[Ashley]

Your inability to keep it in is kind of a recurring problem for you isn't it?

[Rummy]

So I saw my ladyfriend this weekend - after a very long week of feeling shit and stressed about it without too much sleep. She came to a friend's thing I lojacked for my birthday on Saturday and I saw her for a couple hours yesterday evening. We're still a pair of fucking idiots. She apparently wanted to talk yesterday, which I completely missed when I was drunk/under the influence on Saturday night, and then neither of us pushed it yesterday so we basically only had a quick conversation for about half an hour because she had to go.

 

We both feel exceptionally similar though. Like...we can and would walk away from this but don't want to, and I find that kinda reassuring that neither of us want to despite the fact we've both totes contemplated it. No compromise on the phone calls, and tbh she's even difficult to have conversation with to express my feelings because they apparently pressure her(and yes, I can see how/why but I still need to express myself, it's not an expectation) and she's also basically admitted that she's quite selfish and will put herself first almost 100% of the time, but she's also learnt a few things about me that she seemed to think otherwise about and I've said we'll just have to work forwards to find our balance.

 

I don't know if it will be enough. I don't know if it'll last going forwards. But I want it to. I want to work at it, and so does she, and we just go from there I guess. She forgot my birthday until the morning and didn't get me a card or owt(not that I really give a shit for cards, but ykno) but we may still do a thing for it soon.

 

She didn't seem to realise she hadn't seen me for 3 weeks, and seemed shocked when I mentioned that it was that long, and that irked me but I guess I know even more so that her concept of time is just shit. I don't want to give up, but I am gonna strike a bit more of a balance going forwards about what I'm going to put in compared to what I was previously, I guess. Just hope it works out. No expectations to see her(apparently once a week may be a bit too much with her placement and needing time to herself to recharge), and I'll pull back on the effort it's costing me for texts when I feel its a drain. I feel weird being in a relationship where I'm NOT making too much effort, but meh, I guess that what we might be. There's currently, imo, a discrepancy between willingness on each side - but as I said, it comes to striking a balance and going from there. When I see her all of this shit just dissolves into nothing, which makes it doubly mad trying to dealing with it in the interim of not seeing each other!

[stuwii]

Ex has moved on . Humiliating in a way. She's a lot prettier now as well . I seem to be doing okay for myself though

[martinist]

No strings attached casual sex woo!