Ramar Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I have a semi-confession. It's not really confession material since i've not done anything, but there's this chef at work who's flirted with me on and off for years. He's made it clear that if i ever want to sleep with him all i need to do is say. He has a girlfriend at the moment, and it looks like it'll be really long-term between them. I know her, cos she's an ex-employee of the hotel. She's a nice girl. I have her added on Facebook, but we were never friends or anything. I've always declined his offers cos he's had a girlfriend. But lately i've been wondering if i'm being a fool for being so principled. I have a friend who's sleeping with another chef in the kitchen, who has a partner, and both of them are really casual about it and just seem to be having fun. Also the chef who flirts with me is really casual and laddy about the whole thing, and has slept with many women, including ones from the hotel. It just feels like everyone is really laid back and enjoying themselves, and i'm being a fool for not taking advantage of the offer? I do find him attractive in both looks and personality. And it's not like i get tons of interest from men, since i tend to keep myself to myself. So i hardly ever get opportunities like this. Besides, he's the only man i know who i even have remote interest in doing anything with anyway. I've really not been interested in any sort of contact with anyone since my bf dumped me a month ago. But intellectually it doesn't sit well with me. But should i just ignore my mind and take the opportunity to have this little experience? I'm not even sure it'd be worth it ultimately, especially since it'd not last. I think he'd just want to sleep with me once and that'd be it really. But it does feel wrong turning down opportunites like this, when my life is so dull normally! If you're happy being used by a deceitful man slag (thats what I'm picking up from your story) then by all means do so. But I advise you not to post the sob story when his misses finds out and its all your fault regardless of how many other kitchen staff he's had.
MoogleViper Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 long post You need to ask yourself whether you're happy being "that girl".
Pancake Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 If you're happy being used by a deceitful man slag (thats what I'm picking up from your story) then by all means do so. But I advise you not to post the sob story when his misses finds out and its all your fault regardless of how many other kitchen staff he's had. Most of the chefs seem to be man slags really. And sometimes i think "well so what it's only sex, maybe i shouldn't take it so seriously". But yes i see your point. But at the same time, he doesn't go to great pains to hide his flirting, so i find it hard to believe his gf doesn't know he's a player type. He openly cuddles up to her friends in front of her and she doesn't bat an eyelid. You need to ask yourself whether you're happy being "that girl". I don't even think it'd feel serious enough for me to attain the status of "that girl". That implies a long-standing thing.
Goron_3 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Agree with Ramar and Moogles posts. It depends on your morals, are you happy sleeping with someone who's in a relationship? My take on that sort of thing is the whole 'if you don't want it done to you, don't do it'. I've had a few girls try it on with me since ive had a girlfriend but it's an immediate no from my part as I'd hate for her to do that to me. Ironically, those girls that tried it on with me would probably be devastated if someone cheated on them, so yeah, morals morals morals.
Will Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 If his misses finds out then it's all his fault surely? A single person can go out and enjoy themselves, no need to worry about what someone else might think. Also the whole 'being used thing' surely they will both be using each other for exactly the same thing?
Pancake Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Agree with Ramar and Moogles posts. It depends on your morals, are you happy sleeping with someone who's in a relationship? My take on that sort of thing is the whole 'if you don't want it done to you, don't do it'. I've had a few girls try it on with me since ive had a girlfriend but it's an immediate no from my part as I'd hate for her to do that to me. Ironically, those girls that tried it on with me would probably be devastated if someone cheated on them, so yeah, morals morals morals. No i'm not happy to, or else i'd have done it ages ago. He's been trying it on with me ever since i've worked there (4 years). I'd never even seriously considered it until all this stuff lately with my friend and another chef and just feeling like i was taking things too seriously and no one else was. Ok, but you're coming at that from the point of view of someone who's attached. I'm the one who's single here, this chef would be more in the wrong because he's not. I'm not excusing myself at all, just saying that he'd be more in the wrong because he's the one who's committed to someone. And i very much have never encouraged him at all either. He's the one who tried it on with me all this time. But hmm, i think i'll just forget about the whole thing now. I don't want to feel like a shitty person, and i probably would in the end i guess. If his misses finds out then it's all his fault surely? A single person can go out and enjoy themselves' date=' no need to worry about what someone else might think. Also the whole 'being used thing' surely they will both be using each other for exactly the same thing?[/quote'] Well yeah, i once said to him actually "i don't want to be a some slapper" and he replied "but it's me who's got a gf, it'd be me who was the slapper".
Guest Captain Falcon Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Given they've already played the morality card I won't bring that up again but there is also the work situation to consider. If it did hit the skids with his girlfriend, it could come out at work and people, not just the guy, could make things difficult for you. Besides, why would you want to settle for being someone's "bit on the side"?
Pancake Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Given they've already played the morality card I won't bring that up again but there is also the work situation to consider. If it did hit the skids with his girlfriend, it could come out at work and people, not just the guy, could make things difficult for you. Besides, why would you want to settle for being someone's "bit on the side"? I don't think it'd ever come out. I wouldn't tell any workmates, and i don't see why he would, obviouly he'd not want his gf to hear anything so he'd keep quiet. As for settling for that, well i wouldn't see it that way. I'd see it as i'd be getting some affection and sex from someone who i like as a person and find attractive. It'd be a little bit of enjoyment in my day. It's as simple as that. I don't have a big enough ego (especially at the moment) to be upset at not being someone's Number One. He'd not be mine either, so what? Saying that, this way of thinking is quite new to me. I AM prone to taking things too seriously, over-thinking things and being sensitive. That's exactly why i'm feeling some self-doubt and questioning my attitude. I've been observing people around me with a different attitude having more fun, and wondering if my original attitude is worth it. That's why i came here to get some opinions too...
jayseven Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Lolwhut? No. Don't be a bitch. Just because you'll never see the consequences of such actions does not mean they don't exist. If there's someone who is willing to use you/be used (hello, eurythmics) for sex at work, then there is at a club or some shit too. Go use a single fellow and follow that intellectual strain that differentiates you from the cows and the goats.
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I'd also argue that even though he may be the one who's being a jerk towards his girlfriend, you'd still make yourself a part of something that might very well hurt someone else's feelings. That's worth considering, I'd say.
Goron_3 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I'm quite surprised someone hasn't posted something along the lines of 'yeh fuck him!' (mainly the Bard).
Retro_Link Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 If his misses finds out then it's all his fault surely?Well no in this case, because Pancakes fully aware there's a girlfriend.
Will Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I don't really think that makes a difference, it's not her responsibility.
Pancake Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Well guys, thanks for all the input. I've decided not to. Half an hour of smoochy time with him isn't worth wondering if i'm a bad person or not. And damn my friend and her free love, hippy ethos for even getting me thinking about it!
Will Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Just come to the meet in the Summer, there will be lots of single boys more than happy to give you some guilt free smoochy time.
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Just come to the meet in the Summer' date=' there will be lots of single boys more than happy to give you some guilt free smoochy time.[/quote']And just when I've found out I can't go. Great.
MoogleViper Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 And just when I've found out I can't go. Great. He was directing his post at Pancake. Sorry Danny but you're not our type.
Pancake Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Just come to the meet in the Summer' date=' there will be lots of single boys more than happy to give you some guilt free smoochy time.[/quote'] *blushes in ladylike manner*
The Bard Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I'm quite surprised someone hasn't posted something along the lines of 'yeh fuck him!' (mainly the Bard). Yo brah, you know I ain't like that. I thought you knew me dude. I crai. Anyway, yes, as much as people always seem to have the capacity to rationalise away any bad behaviour, you (Pancake) don't strike me as the type to be able to sit well with that kind of Machaevellian bullshit. In fact, I find it difficult to believe that anyone can detach their sexuality from a sense of intimacy, and I definitely don't understand how you can maintain a relationship with the kind of sexual freedom that your chef friend seems to show; people are naturally inclined to want emotional monopoly and I find sexual gregariousness very strange, especially when, for me, good ol fuckin plays a huge part in a relationship. But then I don't really have much balls when it comes to women. I've only ever asked one girl out my entire life, and she's pretty much had me in a chokehold for the past two years
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Yo brah, you know I ain't like that. I thought you knew me dude. I crai. Anyway, yes, as much as people always seem to have the capacity to rationalise away any bad behaviour, you (Pancake) don't strike me as the type to be able to sit well with that kind of Machaevellian bullshit. In fact, I find it difficult to believe that anyone can detach their sexuality from a sense of intimacy, and I definitely don't understand how you can maintain a relationship with the kind of sexual freedom that your chef friend seems to show; people are naturally inclined to want emotional monopoly and I find sexual gregariousness very strange, especially when, for me, good ol fuckin plays a huge part in a relationship. But then I don't really have much balls when it comes to women. I've only ever asked one girl out my entire life, and she's pretty much had me in a chokehold for the past two years But why, you seem almost romantic, Bard! Is there some sympathetic side deep down that we don't know of?
The Bard Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Hidden? Dude, when most people go to a therapist; I come here
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 But why, you seem almost romantic, Bard! Is there some sympathetic side deep down that we don't know of? The Bard is a big sissy who loves cute animals. Remember this? Remember This?!
Fierce_LiNk Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Ah fuck, Jim. I want that Lion cub =(. I want you. ... And that Lion Cub. In veeeeery different ways.
Razz Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Dilemma, of sorts: There's a group of us here at Uni all from the same hometown, and we're all good friends from sixth form so on and so forth. Anyway, my ex is coming up to see everyone (he's also good friends with us all), and I've been asked if I'll house him for a night. I don't mind myself, we have our differences (he cheated on me etc.) so I'm not worried that anything might happen in the slightest. However, do I bother telling my current boyfriend, or is ignorance bliss? He has nothing to worry about, but I can imagine he would worry anyway, despite what I might say to him to make him think otherwise.
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