dabookerman Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 http://www.americansforpurity.org/ Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality. Myth: Masturbation is harmless. Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness. Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS. Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month! Myth: Masturbation is not immoral. Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason. Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime." Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators. Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed. Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry. In the Post-9/11 world, Americans couldn't care less about "Freedom!" Myth: Masturbation feels good. Reality: The illusion of pleasure one experiences while Masturbating is actually caused by the simultaneous deaths of millions of brain cells. Is five seconds worth of imaginary pleasure really worth an Eternity in Hell? Myth: But everyone's doing it! Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roostophe Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 But it can help wash out cells in the testicles that can cause prostate cancer. Got that piece of apple from the Daily Mirror. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoogleViper Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators. Well according to this. So did 95% of americans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dabookerman Posted August 11, 2006 Author Share Posted August 11, 2006 Oh and THIS is why most of us are still single. "# Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals. # Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it." # Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it! # The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!" # While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick. # Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet. # If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick. # When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm. # Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies. # God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haden Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 lol this is a classic hoax site. This email reply literally made me lol I suggest you do a little real research and take a little time to read the Constitution while you are at it.---Shawn B. When you get to Hell and you're burning in the Lake of Fire and getting tortured by demons, please be sure to tell Satan, "But, but, but, it was my Constitutional right to masturbate!" Satan will think that's the funniest thing he ever heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The3rdChildren Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 This reminds me of that heavilly religious anti-masturbation site with Michael Jackson's "beat it" playing in the background. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demuwan Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 This reminds me of that heavilly religious anti-masturbation site with Michael Jackson's "beat it" playing in the background. HAHAHAHA:santa: damn funny:laughing: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashley Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Gotta love stupid propaganda. But this doesn't beat Reefer Madness, unless anyone is going to make catchy songs about the dangers of masturbation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike-zim Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 hey this is bollocks (excuse the pun) i aint giving up enjoying a little light relief every now and again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demuwan Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 hey this is bollocks (excuse the pun) i aint giving up enjoying a little light relief every now and again. HAHAHAHA This Thread is so funny! "light relief" lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
demonmike04 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Bull crap. Masterbation is pretty much sex without a partner. So in theory, this should apply to nymphomaniacs and those who have regular sex too? Sure the religious parts are all true, but I dont believe all the other bullshit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarka Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I am hoping that the calories part is true, if so this has infact encouraged me to masterbate more. This is my favorite part of the website: 1. Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't Masturbate have acne. 2. Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation. 3. Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating! 4. Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation. 5. Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check! 6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies. 7. Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either. 8. Does your child look guilty or deny Masturbating? Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating! 9. Does your child use weird abbreviations when writing? The Dementia brought on by Chronic Masturbation often causes teenagers to write like this: omfg u ppl r stupid u say Masturbation causes rape and what not but all most every1 Masturbats and i bet some of the ppl u work with do to This kind of writing is only seen in cases of Advanced Masturbatory Dementia. Unfortunately, if your child writes this way it is too late to help him. He will probably have to be permanently institutionalized. 10. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demuwan Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 ^^^^^^^ You have got to be fucking kidding me. Thats just retarded on so many levels. " Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating." Idiocy levels are through the roof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haden Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Gotta love stupid propaganda. But this doesn't beat Reefer Madness, unless anyone is going to make catchy songs about the dangers of masturbation. Don't you mean you have to love classic parody? Otherwise im preeety sure the site would be banned if this statement was put forward as fact # While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roostophe Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 This is blatantly a joke. If it's not, it comes as no surprise that it's religious United States Of Americans. They bum the bible like a hairy dawg! # While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick. That's just racist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshMat Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 "10. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating." NO SHIT SHERLOCK This is all bollocks, if i want to toot my own lower horn, then i will, it's some religious bollocks imo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demuwan Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 This is blatantly a joke. If it's not, it comes as no surprise that it's religious United States Of Americans. They bum the bible like a hairy dawg! Its got nothing to do with religion what these idiots are spouting. They are using religion as some kind of 'justification' for their thinking. Some of the assumptions made are just ridiculous (rock music, stylish clothing, wanting privacy) Its sites like these that make me proud not to be American.:p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caris Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 This is all bollocks, if i want to toot my own lower horn, then i will, it's some religious bollocks imo. Quote and Laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triforce_keeper Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 http://www.americansforpurity.org/ Myth: Masturbation feels good. Reality: The illusion of pleasure one experiences while Masturbating is actually caused by the simultaneous deaths of millions of brain cells. Is five seconds worth of imaginary pleasure really worth an Eternity in Hell? Myth: But everyone's doing it! Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. Myth: Masturbation feels good. yup Reality: The illusion of pleasure one experiences while Masturbating is actually caused by the simultaneous deaths of millions of brain cells. Is five seconds worth of imaginary pleasure really worth an Eternity in Hell? Shit THATS why I have been getting lower scores in maths Myth: But everyone's doing it! Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. well the other 95% are happily masturbating and not giving a damn fuck about this piece of shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashley Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Don't you mean you have to love classic parody? Otherwise im preeety sure the site would be banned if this statement was put forward as fact Yeah its just like Reefer Madness. I just wasn't thinking enough to come up with witty synonymns. "Creeping like a communist, it's knocking at our doors Turning all our children into hooligans and whores" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haden Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 it's some religious bollocks imo Its really not though its so clearly a joke I mean 10. Make your daughters grow their fingernails as long as possible. Many Christian parents will measure their daughters' fingernails every week and pay them an allowance based on the combined length. "Creeping like a communist, it's knocking at our doorsTurning all our children into hooligans and whores" heheh thats well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fresh Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Should have told me this 30 mins ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EEVILMURRAY Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Myth: Masturbation is not immoral. Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason. Myth: God is all forgiving. Reality: He's a spiteful piece of crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bard Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Myth: God is all forgiving.Reality: He's a spiteful piece of crap. That's the truest thing I've heard all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Konfucius Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Myth: Masturbation is harmless. Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness. Actually this come from a side effect that leads to masturbation: no girlfriend Myth: Masturbation is not immoral. Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason. That explains why there's a nightly ejaculation every three weeks if you don't let off pressure otherwise - according to my biology book from some years back and personal experience. But I think that's ok since you don't spill them on the ground but on the bed. In fact practically all [...] pornography addicts started out as Masturbators. I stated out as a pornography addict and became a Masturbator later on. The illusion of pleasure one experiences while Masturbating is actually caused by the simultaneous deaths of millions of brain cells. Is five seconds worth of imaginary pleasure really worth an Eternity in Hell? Does that mean I'll run out of brain cells sooner or later? Myth: But everyone's doing it! Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. These 5% are having actual sex I suppose. Haha, very funny find dabooker. A bit disturbing if they are serious though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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