MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Are you sure that he's ignoring you? I've ad girls think I'm ignoring them just because I haven't spoken to them in a few days. How long has it been since you last spoke?
Kaytee Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I think it's because we used to talk pretty much everyday so i've noticed the difference more. I feel really stupid for even worrying about something like this but it's just a little bit frustrating as i'd rather he was just honest with me if there was any change in how he feels or if there's someone else. We last spoke on Monday, I told him i'd got a job and he was like cool, well done. I just said thanks and that was the end of the conversation.
Charlie Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I've never understood this though. Your best friend is your best friend for a reason, it's someone that you've known for ages, you know everything about one another, have alot of things in common and enjoy the same types of things, share a sense of humour etc... This isn't true of someone you've just met. So basically the advice is 'be relaxed, be chatty, be yourself' all of which don't necessarily come natural or flow when you meet someone for the first time. It's not about what you talk about, but how you talk about it. You're naturally comfortable around your bestfriend so imagine that the person you're talking to is them.
MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Well it's only been 4 days, that's hardly a lifetime. Have you tried speaking to him since monday?
Charlie Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I think it's because we used to talk pretty much everyday so i've noticed the difference more. I feel really stupid for even worrying about something like this but it's just a little bit frustrating as i'd rather he was just honest with me if there was any change in how he feels or if there's someone else. We last spoke on Monday, I told him i'd got a job and he was like cool, well done. I just said thanks and that was the end of the conversation. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but is this the guy you've been messaging for a month or so and haven't yet met up with? I would personally say that he sounds like he's got bored. OKCupid is meant to be about going out with people in real life but that hasn't yet happened and he's moved onto someone else.
Retro_Link Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 It's not about what you talk about, but how you talk about it. You're naturally comfortable around your bestfriend so imagine that the person you're talking to is them.Yeah I know I get that. IMO it's no different to the 'imagine they're all sat their in their underwear' advice people hand out to those nervous about public speaking. If you're nervous about a situation, no ammount of 'imagining' helps you. Experience is the only thing that going to help you feel confident.
Cube Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 But to get experience you need confidence, but to get confidence you need experience, but to get experience you need confidence, but to get confidence you need experience...
Charlie Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 But to get experience you need confidence, but to get confidence you need experience, but to get experience you need confidence, but to get confidence you need experience... To get experience you need to do. It's all well and saying you're too nervous. You will never, ever, ever get over that unless you go out and try it. Schools are starting to really push public speaking (class talks) from an early age to get people comfortable doing them. It's a skill that can be learned but if you say you're too nervous and don't do it then you will never be able to do. Go out and do something about it. Say hi to a stranger. Offer an answer in a class. Heck, when I was younger I found talking to randoms on Xbox Live helped me get over shyness. I used to be really quiet and then I got Xbox Live and Halo 2 (this was back in the day when people spoke tactics to each other on it rather than just trash talk) and it was great.
MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Go out and do something about it. Say hi to a stranger. Offer an answer in a class. And how are you supposed to do that with no confidence?
Charlie Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 And how are you supposed to do that with no confidence? Baby steps. Talk to a shop assistant in a shop instead of saying 'no thanks'. Even if it's in a computer store and you talk about something tech related. Challenge yourself. It's all well and fine to hide behind "I have no confidence and therefore cannot do it" but the fact of the matter is you do have confidence. Loads of people came to the Meets who had never met each other before. Fleeting interactions on a forum transpired into multiple, whole day events.
MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Which goes back to what I've been saying before. People with natural self confidence clearly have no clue what it's like for people with little self confidence. "You're scared to talk to her? Why don't you just go up and talk to her?" Great advice.
Cube Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Schools are starting to really push public speaking (class talks) from an early age to get people comfortable doing them. It's a skill that can be learned but if you say you're too nervous and don't do it then you will never be able to do. I actually spent a term in a special needs school because of a speech problem. I pretty much couldn't do it any longer as, in terms of actual work, I was way beyond what they taught. Plus, talking over the phone/Xbox Live is very different. I've gotten used to that. There have been plenty of times in work where, due to other staff being off, I'm the one who answers the phone initially. I think the main distance is that with online games/phones you already have a subject to talk about.
Mr-Paul Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Which is why Charlie is saying to take baby steps. Talking to one person for ten seconds will then lead to another conversation with someone else for 30 seconds, and so on. You just have to do it, and as you do, grow more confident. Do it at your own pace. But do it.
MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I agree that classes having public speaking is going to be a big help. So many people are expected to go to university, have interviews, get a job etc. that requires an adequate leel of public speaking, yet they've never done it before. My public speaking improved so much from one module at university, where the lecturer would just hand out a case study, give you 5 minutes to read it, and then expect you to do some sort of presentation. And becaue I sat near the front, and he knew me and my friends quite well, we would get picked most of all.
Charlie Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 People with natural self confidence clearly have no clue what it's like for people with little self confidence. "You're scared to talk to her? Why don't you just go up and talk to her?" Great advice. I said in a previous post I used to really lack self-confidence so I do know what it is like. I got myself to the stage I am at the moment from going out and doing something about it. Take baby steps. Go out and talk to a girl who is being paid to talk to you (i.e. shopping assistant in a computer store or game store etc - so you have something to talk about in common). If you never make an attempt it will never happen for you.
Mr_Odwin Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I used to be quite shy and lacked confidence but then I went on an LDS church mission for two years and basically got rejected by about 50000 people. I came home and just kept asking out girls (sounds worse than it was) until I received the approval of one. Mwuhahahaha.
MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I used to be quite shy and lacked confidence but then I went on an LDS church mission for two years and basically got rejected by about 50000 people. I came home and just kept asking out girls (sounds worse than it was) until I received the approval of one. Mwuhahahaha. Ah persistence, every woman's second favourite quality in a man. Right after being number 50001.
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I'm sort of in the middle. I'm still shy and can find it awkward to talk to people I don't know, but it was a lot worse in the past, and ... well, honestly it was just a matter of doing it anyway. It was awkward, it was scary, it was uncomfortable, but I did it anyway, and the more I did it, the more I got used to it and realised it didn't have nearly as disastrous results as I'd thought. So ... on the one hand I can nod approvingly to Charlie's advice, but on the other hand I still remember how difficult it was then. And some people indubitably have it worse than I did, so I can sympathise with people saying that it isn't nearly as easy as it sounds.
Magnus Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I like this thread better when we're making fun of Serebii. Helping. When we're helping Serebii.
Ashley Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Ah persistence, every woman's second favourite quality in a man. Right after being number 50001. I can imagine Odwin telling his wife she was 50001.
Sheikah Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Which goes back to what I've been saying before. People with natural self confidence clearly have no clue what it's like for people with little self confidence. "You're scared to talk to her? Why don't you just go up and talk to her?" Great advice. The vast, vast majority of people do not have bags of self-confidence. That's normal, more survival instinct than anything. It's uncomfortable to go up to a stranger and talk to them but it's not impossible. The reason the advice 'just do it' is often given is because that's the simplest and most pure advice you can give. There's no panacea for this situation, you just have to take a leap. The people who reject this advice and find excuses (e.g. no self-confidence) really probably don't hate being lonely so much as they would talking to a stranger. I used to be quite shy and lacked confidence but then I went on an LDS church mission for two years ago That sounds like some kinda Christian drug rave Nice...
Ashley Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Unfortunately it's just the church or latter day saints, not so exciting :p
Beast Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Random question for the guys (maybe girls too): if you like a girl and you told her you liked her, would you start ignoring her? Like, not texting or talking to her online? Or would you be happy contacting her everyday? Basically, is this normal behaviour or is this a not so subtle way of telling me he's lost interest? I'd talk everyday if I liked the girl but then some girls don't like that. Girls can be confusing! :p But yeah, I wouldn't say he don't like you. He might have been a bit busy lately. But to get experience you need confidence, but to get confidence you need experience, but to get experience you need confidence, but to get confidence you need experience... Whilst this can be true, I just got confidence by saying "Fuck it, why am I sweating?". This is what I thought when it came to online dating or dating in general. When I was young and real fat and stuff, I was more confident but kind of shy. I used to go up to girls and talk to them and they'd ask me out. When I got older, I got a bit more shy but I did have some confidence still and then over the past couple of years, I've just hidden completely in my shell compared to how I used to be. However, since starting my new job, I just thought "Fuck it, I don't know these people and they don't know me" and I've just started being extremely confident. Chicks dig confidence and nobody uses the word 'digs' anymore so I'm confident enough to bring it back! :p Which goes back to what I've been saying before. People with natural self confidence clearly have no clue what it's like for people with little self confidence. "You're scared to talk to her? Why don't you just go up and talk to her?" Great advice. It is great advice though. It's possibly one of the best. I don't exactly have that much self-confidence. I used to look in the mirror and not like what I see (still have those moments) but instead of wallowing and thinking "Oh God, I'm a monster", I just think "Fuck this, bitches! They'd be lucky to have me!". You ever thought "I'm a nice guy, why don't they want me?"? Well, you're a nice guy so they'd be lucky to have you. I know this seems quite arrogant and big-headed to think but it's true. I used to think like "Why don't they want me?" all of the time but then I thought "I'm a nice dude with some nice dreams" (points if you know what lyric that song is from) and I just thought "Girls would be so lucky to have me" and I believe it to be true. Just like I would be very lucky to have a girl who's nice, considerate, loyal and kind. == Been talking to a girl on OKC for a few days and she's awesome, however she lives in New York. I'm still going to talk to her and see where it goes, it's just a shame she isn't closer.
MoogleViper Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 It's not great advice though. Saying "just do it" is the equivalent of telling a claustrophobic to "just get in there". Yeah just doing it would be great, but it completely misses the fact that we can't "just do it", that's the whole problem. "You have a problem? Just cure it." It's not practical advice, you can't go up to somebody and say "just do it", you need to tell them how to do it. Such as Charlie's advice of talking to a shop assistant first, and working your way up.
Sheikah Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) You don't know he can't do it though, unlike someone with claustrophobia and tight spaces. Most people are fine/not too bothered by tight spaces, claustrophobics aren't. But most people would be nervous of talking to strangers/putting themselves out there, it's normal. It's not something you should really need counselling over. You don't need to tell people how here, it's a case of them realising if they want something enough they have to go for it. You make your own chances in life, etc. Edited October 5, 2012 by Sheikah
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