THE JOKE THREAD .

[AshMat]

2 Guys wanted to go out for some drinks but had very littl money to spend, so they spent what little money they had on a sausage.

They go to the first bar, have a drink each and when the barman asks them to pay up, one of them kneels down and sunds the sausage (looking like something dirty) the barman yells

"GET OUT"

 

They do this for another 4 bars and one guy starts laughing nd says:

"Wow, this is a fantastic way of getting drinks"The other guy says:

"I don't know why you're laughing, i lost the sausage 2 bars back."

[MoogleViper]

Whats a pork pie got in common with an old ladies vagina?

 

 

You gotta bite away the crust and lick away the jelly to get to the meat!

 

What have foreign sweets got in common with an old ladiy's vagina?

 

 

A couple of licks and you feel ill

 

[Konfucius]

Not really a joke, but I still find it amusing:

 

Who the fuck is general failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

[MoogleViper]

Not a really a joke but it had me in tears.

 

Most of you will have already seen it though.

 

http://bash.org/?111338

 

 

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

 

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

 

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

 

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

 

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

 

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

 

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

 

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

 

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

 

<JonJonB> Ok

<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof

<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

<melusine > O_______O

<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

 

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

 

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

[Atomic Boo]

haha thats great.

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

 

genius! and the reference to spunk! thanks for that mate! hahaha

[gaggle64]

All of Saddam Hussain's body doubles still loyal to him are hiding out in a disused bunker togther. One of them walks in and says

 

"Ok, I've got good news and bad news. The good news, Saddamn Hussain has finally escaped from his American captors. So you've all got your jobs back."

 

Everyone cheers.

 

"The bad news is he's lost one of his arms."

[MoogleViper]

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

 

 

I wish hermione would grab my wang.

[Atomic Boo]

hehe, very true.... *_* oh oooooohhhh herrrmioneee...

[demonmike04]

What have foreign sweets got in common with an old ladiy's vagina?

 

 

A couple of licks and you feel ill

Another gross joke to tell my mates at lunch time

[KingOfHyrule]

Typical Irish humour:

 

This oul fella is sitting up at the bar, beating the Guinness into him all night. Closing time comes and he's still pinting away, and the barman says, "Right Mick, closin' time, out the fuck!"

 

"Fack aaaff, another fuughckin' Guinness now..."

 

"No way, I'll get you a taxi now and that's that."

 

So the taxi arrives, and your man falls clean off his stool. The bar staff help him to the taxi and he stumbles into the back seat and mumbles his address to the driver.

 

So they arrive at his house, opens the door, and he falls straight out of the taxi onto the ground, and crawls up to his front door. He attempts to straighten up and leans up against the door and puts the key in, with great difficulty. The door opens, and he falls clean on his face again, crawls up the stairs and into bed.

 

The next morning he's woken up to the cursing and shouting of his wife, who's belting him over the head with the Irish News. "You were drinkin' again last night, weren't you, you bastard!" she roars.

 

"What are you on about woman, I wasn't drinkin'!"

 

"Yes you were, don't you lie to me!" as she whacks him again.

 

"How would you know anyway?!"

 

"The bar rang - you left your fuckin' wheelchair behind!"

[Supergrunch]

haha thats great.

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

 

genius! and the reference to spunk! thanks for that mate! hahaha

 

Even better...

 

It even includes a link to the wand -> wang thing.

[the_villa]

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!

[MoogleViper]

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!

 

 

Two drums and a symbol fall of a cliff.

 

 

 

 

Ba dum tish

[Bogbas]

What is green, furry and four legged. And kills you if it falls on you from a tree?

 

a pool/billiards table

 

 

And as reading bash.org is fun, I found this quote to be hilarious:

"*** IRC -- Based on the original code written by Jarkko Oikarinen

*** Copyright 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991 University of Oulu, Computing Center

<Jarkko> You people have turned a cute little project I did 5 years ago INTO A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME!!! GET A LIFE!!! MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!! You, with the bot... have you ever kissed a woman?"

[Atomic Boo]

This is a bit random, but I thought it might amuse some bored people:

>

INDIAN RHAPSODY (sung to the tune of Bohemian rhapsody by Queen)

 

 

Naan, just killed a man

>poppadom against his head

>Had lime pickle now he's dead.

>Naan, dinner's just begun

>But now I'm gonna throw it all away.

>Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry

>If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow

>Curry on, curry on

>Cause nothing really Madras.

>Too late, my dinner's gone

>Sends shivers down my spine

>Bottom aching all the time

>Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go

>Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

>Naan, ooh, ooh

>This dopiaza is so mild

>I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

>

>[guitar solo]

>

>I see a little chicken tikka on the side

>Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango

>Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy

>Meat!

>Byriani (Byriani)

>Byriani (Byriani)

>Byriani and a naan

>(A vindaloo loo loo loo)

>I've eaten balti, somebody help me

>He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory

>Stand you well back

>'Case the loo is quarantined...

>Here it comes

>There it goes

>Technicolor yawn

>I chunder

>No!

>It's coming up again

>(There he goes)

>I chunder, it's coming back again

>(There he goes)

>Coming back again

>(up again)

>Here it comes again.

>(No no no no no no NO)

>On my knees, I'm on my knees

>On his knees, Oh, there he goes

>This vindaloo

>Is about to wreck my guts

>Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

>

>[guitar solo]

>

>So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?

>So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?

>Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby

>Just had to come out

>It just had to come right out in here.

>

>[guitar solo]

>

>[slow bit]

>Korma or dopiaza

>bhaji, naan or saag

>Nothing makes a difference

>Nothing makes a difference

>To meee....

>(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh

[Atomic Boo]

ive got a good one:

what do you call a bee that makes milk?

 

boobie

 

[MoogleViper]

A man with a stutter applies for a job at a building site.

 

Site manager: You're perfect for the job, just one last thing, if you drop a brick shout "FALLING BRICK!"

 

Guy: O-ok

 

so one day while he's working on the roof he drops a brick over the side and shouts "F-F-F-F-FLIPPIN ECK IT'S HIT HIM!"

[Katie]

It's probably quite old and a bit long but I found it funny...

 

Dear Tech Support:

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower

and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such

as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable

programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation

8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running

Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

 

Signed,

Desperate

------------------

 

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:

C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should

automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed,

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0

and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause

Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

 

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

 

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a

supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider

buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I

personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

 

 

Good Luck,Tech Support

 

------------------

 

Dear Technical Support,

 

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which

I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently

conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to

try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

 

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several

other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

 

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a

virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same

time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other

they caused severe damage to my hardware.

 

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this

product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use

up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

 

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very

unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored

in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months

later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic

Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch

TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,

and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring

ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to

be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my

Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

 

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which

can't be turned off.

 

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be

problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0

detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before

uninstalling itself.

[the_villa]

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear:

 

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"

 

9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"

 

8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters

 

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!

 

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

 

5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"

 

4. Ears is tasty

 

3. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!

 

2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"

 

1. He ran out of gum

[the_villa]

Is Windows a virus?

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

 

1. Viruses replicate quickly.

Windows does this.

 

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.

Windows does this.

 

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.

Windows does this.

 

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.

Windows does that too.

 

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.

Same with Windows, yet again.

 

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

 

Nope! There is a difference!

 

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

[Oxigen_Waste]

I'm pretty much sure everyone will hate these... but they're my favourite type of jokes:

 

 

What did the deaf, dumb and blind little boy get for christmas?

Cancer

 

 

What breaks during sex?

A three year old's pelvis.

 

 

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair.

 

 

If I get a positive response on these... I have more of them ready.

[Konfucius]

I'm pretty much sure everyone will hate these... but they're my favourite type of jokes

 

I know I shouldn't find that funny but I do...

[Blackfox]

Shit jokes.

 

I love your people skillz.

[Solo]

I'm pretty much sure everyone will hate these... but they're my favourite type of jokes:

 

 

What did the deaf, dumb and blind little boy get for christmas?

Cancer

 

 

What breaks during sex?

A three year old's pelvis.

 

 

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair.

 

 

If I get a positive response on these... I have more of them ready.

 

I don't get it, they're not really jokes. No more please.

[weeyellowbloke]

A young lad is backpacking through China. He's been walking all day and is pretty tired, but unfortunatly there are no hostels for miles around. So he decides to knock on the door of one of the locals in the hope of finding a place to sleep. The door is answered by a small hunchbacked old man. "Sorry, but I really need somewhere to sleep tonight, can you help me?" asks the backpacker. "Yes," replies the old man, "But I warn you, I have a daughter and if you sleep with her I will inflict upon you three terrible curses". The backpacker agrees that he will not touch the old mans daughter, I mean he's like 104 years old so she's probably ancient. Inside the house the old man offers to get his daughter to make some food for the backpacker. Suddenly in walks the most beautiful woman the backpacker has ever seen in his life, who as it happens is the old mans daughter. Over dinner the backpacker and the daughter flirt, but in the back of his mind remains the thought of the curses. Later while lying in bed the backpacker decides he will sneak into the daughters room, have sex and get back to his own room without the old man finding out. I mean the curses can't be that bad, can they.

 

The next morning the backpacker wakes up to find a large boulder on his chest with a note attached, "Curse 1, boulder on chest". The backpacker laughs. Is this the best the old man can do. He goes over to the window and throws the boulder out, when suddenly he spots another note. "Curse 2, string from boulder to left testicle". The backpacker obviously panics at this and decides to jump from the window after the boulder, I mean a broken bone is better then no testicle right. As the backpacker falls though he spots the final cursed note. "Curse 3, right testicle attached to bed post".