Jokes, jokes and more jokes

[EEVILMURRAY]

You didn't like mijn jokes?

I'm all for minge jokes Flink. However yours, sexy as they were of course. Sadly I'd already heard them.

[ipaul]

Jokes you say?

 

 

WHEY. As if the tories will be better anyway.

 

 

'I tried to kill myself yesterday by taking 1,000 aspirin'

'What happened?'

'Oh, after the first two I felt better'

 

 

How do you make a Cat go woof? Pour petrol on it, then light it.

 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

 

If anyone here is in marketing or advertising, kill yourselves.

 

It's not that I disagree with George Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy but it's that I believe, that George Bush is the spawn of satan sent here to destroy earth.

 

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who cannot.

 

I tried to give blood the other day. But the blood bank wouldn't take it. They wanted to know where I got it from.

 

I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.

 

By far the most common craving of pregnant woman is not to be pregnant.

 

Bride: A woman who has put a good chance of happiness behind her.

 

Husband: See Brute.

 

If you eat a lot of spicy food you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in India last year I was listening to a lot of Oasis.

 

What did the slug say to the snail?

'Big issue, Sir?'

 

A couple are lying in bed. The man says 'I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you'.

 

I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said 'Oh I'll guess have a glass of champagne'. I said guess again.

 

Listen carefully, or a sexual perversion. (5,2,4,4)

Prick up your ears.

Crossword clue in financial times.

 

Sorry if those have been in the thread before, enjoy

[MoogleViper]

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who cannot.

 

There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary, and those that don't.

[Rummy]

I'd always heard the nun one with 'where's the soap' too, I'm pretty sure that IS the joke, but so many people didn't get it they decided it was made up just to not be a joke.

 

Say, did anyone hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so he could watch TV?

[Eddage]

A muslim was shot in the head with a starter pistol the other day... Police are pretty sure it's race related

 

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day... when I looked closer I saw it said "thick cut"

[Goafer]

A muslim was shot in the head with a starter pistol the other day... Police are pretty sure it's race related

 

A similar one:

 

Police found Mr Whippy dead in his ice cream van the other day covered in hundreds and thousands. Police believe he topped himself.

[Jimbob]

A muslim was shot in the head with a starter pistol the other day... Police are pretty sure it's race related

 

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day... when I looked closer I saw it said "thick cut"

 

*facepalm*

[Paj!]

A similar one:

 

Police found Mr Whippy dead in his ice cream van the other day covered in hundreds and thousands. Police believe he topped himself.

 

I liked that. It was satsifyingly conclusive.

[Iun]

 

One for Dannyboy

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

 

One for Dannyboy

Thank you, my dear nemesis.

[Iun]

Judged by the quality of your enemies and all that

 

But I'm having trouble working this one out, am I the good guy or the bad guy?

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

Judged by the quality of your enemies and all that

 

But I'm having trouble working this one out, am I the good guy or the bad guy?

That depends on who you're asking, I think. I think we star in a film where the underlying theme is what is actually right and wrong, and whether that can even be decided completely.

 

Though I of course still win in the end, as I am totally awesome. :awesome:

 

Not really.

[Josh64]

I woke up one morning and to my despair there was a strawberry growing on my face.

I went to the doctors and he said ''Put some cream on it''.

 

Man, that joke is intense.

[Goafer]

A man comes home to find his girlfriend at the doorstep with her bags packed. "I'm leaving you. I heard you were a peadophile". The man replies: "That's a big word for a ten year old"

 

A peadophile and a child are walking through a forest at night. The child says "I'm scared. The peadophile replies "Just think how I feel, I have to walk back on my own".

[Beast]

Got told this today by a Villa supporter and I thought it was hilarious.

 

Blues Manager Alex McLeish had a tough day today. First, on his way to the tunnels, he had a woman put her arm out, she asked him "Please sign this!"

McLeish signed it and he went on inside the tunnel and before he got in there, a woman come out and undone her top to reveal her tits. "Sign these!" she squealed.

McLeish signed them both and went on to the end of the tunnel to the pitch and on the pitch was a woman stark naked with her legs spread open.

Before she could say anything, McLeish said "Sorry love, it's Martin O'Neal who signs all the c*nts"

[Roostophe]

Hmm...I dunno about that one. It was David O'Leary who signed Milan Baros, and Alpay Ozalan left Villa long before O'Neill arrived.

 

I'm seriously thinking of a player who Martin O'Neill signed who is a c*nt...

 

 

Nah, all I can think of are the Villa fans who are total c*nts atm.

 

EDIT: Thought of one! Wayne Routledge. He was one.

Edited August 19, 2009 by Roostophe

[Goafer]

Not really a joke, but I just remembered something that made me laugh the other day.

 

I was in the cinema and they have a staff member called Layla. Now I always hear the song in my head whenever I see her, which makes me grin. But one of the other staff was having problems on the till and I assume she is some sort of supervisor, so he yells across the quite large lobby area "LAYLA!". No one in the place seemed to notice the hilarity of it except me. I almost exploded with laughter. The urge to burst into song was unbearable. It made my day.

[arab_freak]

Once upon a time, a young, somewhat naive bear was playfully chasing a rabbit through a thick, dense forest. Their little game of hide-and-seek came to a screeching halt when the rabbit tripped over a magic lamp, which unintentionally released a magical genie trapped inside it. The genie stretched his arms out, took a long, sickening yawn, and thanked the duo for saving him from his enchanted prison. As a token of his appreciation, he told them that he shall grant both of them three wishes each.

 

The bear decided to go first, and without hesitation asked the genie if he could turn all the bears in the forest into females, except for himself. The genie went "so be it" and in the blink of an eye his wish was granted.

 

The rabbit gave it some thought, and then, very calmly asked the genie for a motorcycle helmet. The genie was somewhat confused at this unusual request, but granted the rabbit his wish anyway.

 

The bear frantically rubbed his furry chin and said "Screw this, I want more. I wish all the bears in THE COUNTRY to be female, except for myself!" The genie granted him his wish, and the bear started squealing like a 16 year-old girl on her prom night.

 

The rabbit stood silent for a minute or two, then asked the genie for a motorcycle. The genie asked the rabbit if h was fully aware that he was wasting his wishes, and the rabbit said "just give me my damn bike already." And so the genie granted him his second wish.

 

Now feeling a lot more intense about his third and final wish, the bear gave it some reaaaally deep thinking; muttering to himself whilst weighing several options and possibilities. All of a sudden he goes "You know what? FUCK IT. I wish ALL THE BEARS IN THE WORLD TO BE FEMALE, EXCEPT FOR ME!" The genie gave the bear a dirty, confused look and asked him if he's sure that this is what he wants. The bear nodded frantically, and his final wish was granted.

 

"So, what're you gonna do with your last wish?" said the genie to the rabbit. The rabbit doesn't respond. Instead, he very slowly, very calmly puts on his new motorcycle helmet, gets on his motorbike, starts the engine, and takes one long look at the ecstatic bear next to him. He slowly stretches his arms across the handlebars, then looks up at the genie before driving off, saying:

 

"I wish this bear was gay."

[Cube]

Didn't someone already post that joke, but with a Fox?

[arab_freak]

Didn't someone already post that joke, but with a Fox?

 

Didn't see it. :/

 

And I wrote out that whole thing, too.

[Cube]

Didn't see it. :/

 

And I wrote out that whole thing, too.

 

Yours is worded better.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

Yours is worded better.

But mine was simpler.

[Ellmeister]

But mine is definitely longer.

[Beast]

I have a filthy joke so no-one read if you're easily offended.

 

What happens to a midget when he runs through a woman's legs?

 

A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

 

[Iun]

So three kids are sitting in their parents room one lazy Sunday morning and they decide to ask their parents how they got their names.

 

The mother smiles and says to the first of her offsping: "Well, we didn't know what to call you, it was the dead of winter and as we walked outside a tiny flake of snow drifted down from heaven and landed right between your eyes... so we decided to call you 'Snowdrop'"

 

She turns to the second of her children and says: "Well, we didn't know what to call you either, it was April and so rainy everywhere and as we walked outside a tiny drop of rain fell down from heaven and landed right between your eyes... so we decided to call you 'Raindrop'"

 

She turns to her third child and says "We thought that we'd trust to fate to give you your name too, when we left the hospital it was being refurbished and lots of workmen were going about their business..."

 

 

"HMnennnnfrrnnnnrrrfnorgRABBITRABBITnnnnnnnggggggaaarrrghhh?"

 

Mother smiled delightedly "Well done Wardrobe!"

Edited August 28, 2009 by Iun