mike-zim Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Ok before you read this please be warned it is a depressing tale of how a relationship of 4 years can go sour so fast. I have been seeing my Girlfriend for 4 years. A couple of weeks ago she met and old mate from college. It was a bloke and they met for a drink. I wasnt entirely happy about this as it was totally out of the blue. They hadn't seen each other in 3 years. However i didnt stop her as i can not controll her life. She asked me a few days later how i felt about it and as i have never lied to her i told her the truth, i wasnt totally comfortable with the situation. last monday after we had just had one our best weekends together she rung me and told me that she didnt know if she still loved me. This came as such a shock and i was devistated, so we decided to take a break (we as in her) and we were going to meet this bank holiday monday. She rung me on the wednesday and told me she needed to see me, so we met on thurday. She told me she did love me and wanted to give it a go. one of the major things she said needed to change was that i would have to be ok with her seeing her mate. So i felt that if i told her i was unhappy about that she would leave me. She said that she had already arranged to meet him on saturday so she left my house at 1 and as she left she mentioned that she was meeting at his house. again a shock and out of the blue. Now i couldnt tell her i was unhappy with this as she might leave. so i just dealt with it. She didn't come back till 7 that evening which is a long time for things to be going round in your mind and she didn't answer my texts. When she got back she said that her battery was dead. now i am so paranoid it is unfunny. I asked what they did and she said he drove her to the beach in his sports car and they wlaked the lenght of the beach got an icecream and walked back. That sounds like a date to me. We spent the night together and i didnt want to bring up the situation i was in as i really didnt want to lose her. What happend next i am not proud of because it goes against all my morals. When she went for a shower i read her text messages, something i thought i was not capable of doing and i read some things that made it worse, he was blatently flirting with her. I couldnt tell her so i kept it to myself and we spent sunday and monday together. We had a really good time. but i still didnt feel right. Yesterday at work it was just eating me up inside 1) that i had actually gone behind the back of the woman i love and 2) that there were things that i needed to know. By the time i left work my mind was all over the place and the guilt was eating away at me so i rung her and asked her to meet me. She came in and i told her everything we spent 2 hours crying and trying to work things through. Now we are on a break till Friday cause she doesn't know if she can trust me anymore. Now am i wrong to think that it really was not appropriate for her to spend the day with another bloke basically doing things you would do on a date? I feel i had no other choice am i just being a jealouse boyfriend and have i now ruined the best thing in my life?
Happenstance Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Personally yes I think you are wrong. I dont see anything wrong with what shes done and even if her old friend is flirting with her, considering how long you've been together you should trust that she wouldnt do anything.
Guest Jordan Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Heres a double edged sword i guess. Side one: There has to be trust, if theres no trust there is NO relationship. You didn't trust her and after four years of what i assume no cheating has gone on, you should have. Side two: Other people, especially males going after your girlfriend... are bastards. 100% bastards, they will do anything to get your girl reguardless of who they are going out with. Its obvious you care alot about this girl, don't let her take charge and confront her on what happend. But you shouldn't have read her messages... I dunno, i ain't very good at relationships. The only real one i've ever had is with Letty (nearly 11 months!) and there is alot of trust in our relationship, we know neither of us would ever, ever do anything stupid. Sorry if i haven't helped much, just trying to give my point of view on this.
DiemetriX Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Reading your girls private messages is wrong.But the world is not black and white. This is a very hard time in any relationship. I would have sat down an told her how much she being with this guy bothered me. And I would Just have tried trusting her not to do anything wrong. But this looks like one of those situations with a high probability of unfaithfulness or the break of the relationship. Hope things get sorted. Best of luck to you.
mike-zim Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Yeah i know i should have trusted her but for things to be going so well and then a week after she meets this guy she is confused wether or not she loves me, it makes you think and the mind is the worst enemy you could have.
Kav Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Yeah i know i should have trusted her but for things to be going so well and then a week after she meets this guy she is confused wether or not she loves me, it makes you think and the mind is the worst enemy you could have. I totally see your point here! You were wrong to read her messages, but I can't blame you for it! After 4 years, to hear that your partner isn't sure whether they love you or not is heart-wrenching! I imagine you've talked about what she had said and how it's effected you both? That's the important thing, communication. We can't really say much else to help as we don't know how it's been exactly, but talk about it, even if it scares you that she might leave!
mike-zim Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 yeah we talked yesterday and she said that she wanted time to think so i will leave her till she contacts me. i am just scared to be honest. i have never felt anything like this before. i love her so much and i could have just pushed her away. it is the worst feeling in the world.
Excelle Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Tricky. Unfortunately, if you're in a relationship, paranoia comes with the territory. You shouldn't have read her texts, because that can only fuel a paranoia you can't release, but we all do things we're not proud of when there's love involved. I think the long and short of it is that you would have talked it out if it weren't for the text-reading. I think she's ok to see to blokes as friends as long as she's careful and knows when it bothers you. Get too possessive and you'll push her away for good. Play it cool, and apologise a lot for the text thing. Make it clear you only did it because you love her and don't want to lose her. Counselling session over
Kav Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Is there anything coming up that would change your circumstances? For example going to uni, long term holiday, something that might mean a change of life style for either of you?
Excelle Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 yeah we talked yesterday and she said that she wanted time to think so i will leave her till she contacts me. i am just scared to be honest. i have never felt anything like this before. i love her so much and i could have just pushed her away. it is the worst feeling in the world. Oh, and I should say that I have, and it sucks! Much beer with a mate that time I tell you!
thirtynine. Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I probally would have done the same thing in your situation.You are wrong but also so is she.
mike-zim Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Is there anything coming up that would change your circumstances? For example going to uni, long term holiday, something that might mean a change of life style for either of you? yeah we are planning on moving in together in August. this is the thing that really hurts is that we have things planned
nekunando Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 ..from what you wrote at the very start there, it does seem strange that after she met up with her friend that she suddenly didn't know if she still loved you. Paranoia and jealousy are horrendous things and, for me, if my girlfriend starting to do stuff with a guy she hasn't seen for a while (and so regularly) I wouldn't be happy with it either. I'm pretty bad with that sort of stuff and people who say there's no harm in flirting- that's bull, I can't stand it. If someone was trying it on with my girl, I'm not even sure I could have controlled myself as you have. The whole text message thing is a tricky one. Going in and looking without asking probably isn't right, but when you have suspiscion eating away at you, you just sometimes need to know/ see things for yourself. On the other side of the coin, there's shouldn't be anything at all to hide so if you found stuff you didn't like, I feel it was right to bring it up with your girlfriend. That's all tough and I hope I would never have to deal with something like that. I would hate to think I control my girlfriend but we're pretty clear about everything so if something annoys me, she knows about it.. and vice versa. All I can say is good luck man. You are (probably) handling it better than I would. It's difficult to know when you're not in the situation. All the best.
Patch Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I wouldn't usually respond to something like this, but a) I'm bored and b) something about your post reached out to me. I really wouldn't mind if my wife read my messages. If someone gets annoyed by that, it's either because they feel it is an invasion of their privacy or because they have something to hide. Which she did. She is continuing to see a man who is flirting with her and she is not telling you that he is flirting with her. That's a pretty serious breach of confidence right there. It's best if you both admit you've done something wrong and apologise. Hope it works out.
Kav Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 yeah we are planning on moving in together in August. this is the thing that really hurts is that we have things planned I would say it's just a little bit of "cold feet" that made her say what she had said. She's had time to think about it and said that she did loves you! Believe in relationship, troublesome times come and go... after 4 years I believe this will pass by too! Moving in together is a big step in any relationship, it's only natural for someone to get cold feet and as a result question themselves (their feelings), this she did and after time, found her answer! I believe that after 4 years of being together you're both strong enough as a couple to pull through this time apart, the plan of moving in together is testiment to this! I don't think that a 4 year relationship is weak enough to buckle at a hurdle of this height, I believe it's something you'll both jump over together! Best of luck! EDIT - Regarding her meeting her friend, I can honestly see it being nothing at all! Because of the move she had questioned herself in being ready for this commitment. She met her friend and spoke to him about it. She's come back after being with him saying that she loves you and wants to give it a go! I reckon he's been a friend and spoke to her about it, the flirting is something as innocent in trying to make her feel better about herself and to cheer her up! I don't think she would have come back saying she wanted to give it a go otherwise. Now you just have to let her have time! She may be questioning her thoughts on your commitment after you spoke about reading her txts... give her time, 4 years counts for more than people know! I have faith that it'll be alright, just give it time and then talk!
Rummy Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 You should have just talked to her. You say you didn't talk to her and tell her how you was feeling in case she left you, and in trying to stop that one thing happening, you ended up going behind her back then feeling guilty then ending up doing it and telling her and coming out worse from it, in my opinion. Forget about not being able to trust her, if you can't even talk to her, then things can't possibly not go wrong. You were wrong to go behind her back, you were more of a fool for telling her you did it, from a selfish point of view. As Jordan said though, it's a bit of a double edged blade. You should have trusted her, she should have respected the fact you didn't like her spending too much time with that guy(understandable from your point of view, but not from hers, as you said you can't control her). It did sound a bit like a date, but that doesn't mean there was anything there. She didn't try to lie and hide anything from you either(did she?), sounds like she was quite frank about what they did. What it comes down to, you shouldn't have read her messages. Sure, you'd feel the decision would be more justified if it turned out that you found something(as in the case of another forum member) but even so, it's not the way to do it, not in my opinion anyway. You were wrong in what you did, but no one can say that you're wrong for being jealous and paranoid, as those are things you can't really control. I feel like this post was a bit useless. Sorry.
mike-zim Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Thank you all for your honesty. the ball is now in her court and i will wait my fate. if she finished it then at least i know i have tried to save it. i was wrong and i have apologised so much for it but i cant be in a relationship where my feelings aren't respected.
Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I can understand you reading her texts, it's easy to give in to your paranoia when you have the chance. With the friend, I think she could have introduced you to him before going out with him all the time, it was obviously going to make you suspicious/jealous.
Rummy Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Wow, that's actually something I hadn't considered at all. Have you ever actually met the guy, like anytime in the past?
Rummy Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 dude he's gone... He's still lurking a little bit methinks(someone in MPotD said they saw him lurking), out of all people, he was the first person I thought of when I read this post.
jayseven Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Well I've been in (almost) the same boat... Well, the same stream, anyway. Approaching two years, and my girl started communicating with one of her Ex's, and didn't tell me about it. I pretty much read her text messages behind her back whenever I can - and I know she reads mine too. I don't mind. I believe that if you have nothing to hide it's ok - and I only believe that because I'd rather know what she is hiding than wait around and be told after the damage is done. This way, I can subtly bring things up (or not so subtly, as the occassion has been) and clear my own head about it all. Basically, she is allowed to see whosoever she pleases. She ought to bear in mind, and i'm sure she does, that she could be hurting you, or at least whipping the jealousy demon within you (and me, and in all guys). Trust is vital, though. I learnt to accept that she will see this guy, and communicate from time to time with him, because I KNOW she loves me and me alone. I am a firm believer in romantic fate, and if it's meant to be, it'll pull through times like these. I wonder if you yourself have been experiencing some cold feet or something, or if there was something that weakened your trust? I would say that the best thing to do is to think before you say anything heated. Think real careful. Really put yourself in her shoes, and don't hook up too much on the odd thing she's said unless you want to play the guilt game... In which case, hold on tight to "i don't know if I love you". Because I sure had to at one point. All because she is thinking about it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Don't feel like you have to avoid all contact. Friendly (and i mean pretend your a friend, not a partner if you have to) texts are never bad! and good luck
Noodleman Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 wait you've had a realtionship for 4 years yet you havn't realised that yes you are wrong, constantly.
Jamba Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Just trust the bloody woman. Maybe you being paranoid about her meeting this guy is the symptom of an underlying issue you have with trusting her? If she's picked that up then I'm not surprised that she has said that she feels unsure. Also you should trust her about this guy. You should have friends who are girls and she should have friends who are guys. Maybe she wanted to talk to an old friend about you? You have NO idea. And whether this guy IS hitting on your girl is irrelevant. It's what she thinks. God, first you don't trust her cos she meeting someone of the opposite sex and then you read her texts too? Way to go... that's just dumb, it sounds like a scene out of a bad rom-com. You are wrong. Apologise, get it sorted. Except that (especially in this circumstance) that sometimes she will need to talk to ppl who arent u and that might be another guy. I probally would have done the same thing in your situation.You are wrong but also so is she. Umm... what did she do again? Remind me...
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