AndyWylde Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diageo Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 My mate told me this joke and I thought it was a little funny...although it could potentially offend one person here, haha. Boyfriend and girlfriend come home from a date. Girlfriend tells her mom she's going up to her room with her boyfriend. Mom seems a bit hesitant at first but let's them Both go upstairs and after five minutes, mom hears girl scream "BABY! BABY! BABY! OH!" Mom runs upstairs and bursts into the girl's room. "Oh my God, GET OUT, MOM! I'M HAVING SEX!" she screams. "Oh thank fuck for that!" the mom says. "I thought you were listening to Justin Bieber!" I don't see how I would be offended by this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nintendohnut Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 'Cause they're not married and yet they are having sexual relations? They're going to burn in hell for eternity, and that ain't no joke, let me tell you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beast Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) I don't see how I would be offended by this... T'was a little joke. Because of the whole Bieber thing?...Never mind, bad joke anyways! Edited February 23, 2011 by Animal Automerged Doublepost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReZourceman Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) I went on Dragons Den with my invention, a machine that makes closet homosexuals admit they are gay. After showing a demonstration Deborah Meaden instantly declared "I'm out" "See, it works" I said. Edited February 24, 2011 by Dog-amoto Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Saw David Hasselhoff go fucking mental at a waitress last night. "I come here every week, and you still get it wrong... First is coleslaw, then comes corn on the cob and finally potato salad" he screamed. 'Typical' I thought, a woman who doesn't understand the Hoff-side rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 A third off DVDs at Amazon!! I've just bought The Man, Rock from the Sun, Shrek The and Close Encounters of the Kind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellmeister Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. Good to know other people go on TrueLad.com Taken straight from the top lad story section. I always tell people this story when True Lad gets mentioned. Great story if you imagine it to be true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadDog Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?" ---------- I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle. Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?" A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him. What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S.C.G Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I was given a rubber cheque the other day... ...it bounced. 'Joke' inspired by the 'Good Stuff' thread. :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadDog Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section. Nowadays, the internet just makes it so much easier! I just open up my browser and go to littlewoods.com. ---------- I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt. Clothes, but no cigar. ---------- BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Errr, because it wasn't a bomb? ---------- I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted. What kind of daughter charges her own father? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddage Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Two biggest regrets in my life... 1. The amount of times I've fucked Up 2. Naming my dog Up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 They're making a movie based on the life of Eddie Stobart. It looks great - I've seen the trailer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goafer Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Me and a friend have been trying to out do each other with shit jokes that have a song title or lyric as the punchline. Some highlights: A man at a demolition site was using a new type of explosive to demolish a building. When asked what he thought of the new stuff, he replied "It's good, but I do Miss Dy-na-mi-tee" I was at a hotel and I saw Courtney Love in an elevator. I was feeling down, so I got a sherbet dib dab to cheer myself up. You could say I was Blue dibdabdibdabadee (that shit Eiffel 65 song). It was funnier when he tried to get dib dab to sync to the lyrics. I took a road trip to Scunthorpe the other day but took a wrong turn. I ended up on the highway to Hull. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heroicjanitor Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) There's an Irishman, a homosexual and a Jew standing in a bar. -What a fine example of an integrated community. A horse walked into a bar. -Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation. Why did the black man buy three boxes of condoms? -Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale. How do you wake up Lady Gaga? -You set an alarm for a reasonable hour. What did the farmer who had lost his tractor say? -Where's my tractor? Edited April 7, 2011 by heroicjanitor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rummy Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 Studies have found that, on average, men think about sex about once every tits seconds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weeyellowbloke Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 What's the best country to be in if you have food poisoning? Tuvalu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 Alt GR For when the Alt key isn't angry enough for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dannyboy-the-Dane Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Studies have found that, on average, men think about sex about once every tits seconds. Alt GR For when the Alt key isn't angry enough for you. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but these made me giggle like there was no tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heroicjanitor Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I doubt I'd giggle if there was no tomorrow :p I'd be like Homer Simpson and sit on the step crying for a while. Then go do mad stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog-amoto Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 My girlfriend has just left me because she thinks I'm too self-centered. You should have seen the look on my face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goafer Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 In the Limp Bizkit household, Fred notices that there is a large queue for the microwave. "For fuck's sake guys, I just wanted to put my sausage roll in roll in roll in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadDog Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 My wife complained that I never make any effort to see things from her point of view. So I went and looked out of the kitchen window. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rummy Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead. It was his signature move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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