Awful Jokes

[Fierce_LiNk]

I'll admit it, I'm a crazy foo who loooooves awful jokes. I could listen to bad jokes all day, and I'd still laugh maniacally. Is that even a word? Itisnow!

 

Here's one I got, from 28 Days Later.

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. The man gets reasonably tipsy, but the giraffe is a little worse for wear, and is passed out on the floor. Bloke staggers out of the pub.

 

On his way out, the barman says to him: "Oi, you can't leave that lying there!"

 

Bloke turns around and says: "it's not a lion...it's a giraffe!"

[Ashley]

I just like bad puns (which I though inspired this Flink :p)

 

Like when my friend was wearing a necklace with an owl that hung round by her tits I pointed and said "Hooters!" Good times.

[Oxigen_Waste]

4 elephants in a car. Wich one is driving?

 

The one with the driver's license.

 

[jayseven]

Ooh, ooh.. a chance to tell the only two jokes I know!

 

How do you make a door laugh?

Tickle its knob...

 

 

Aand.. How do you make a pool table laugh?

Put your hand in its pockets and tickle the balls

 

 

...GROAN!

[The fish]

This one has to be read out loud:

 

Two pieces of road tar walk into a bar, and go up to the barman, and say, "we're the biggest, toughest, meanest, hardest pieces of road tar in all the land!"

Just as they're about to get served, a red piece of road tar walks into the bar, and the first two suddenly jump up, looking really scared, and run round the bar to cower behind it at the barman's feet, who asks, "I though you two were the biggest, toughest, meanest, hardest pieces of road tar in all the land?"

 

They reply, "we are, but that guy's a cycle path!"

[martinist]

Why did the model stare at the orange juice?

 

because it said concentrate on the carten

[Roostophe]

What's 18 inches and speaks French?

 

MOI!

[Oxigen_Waste]

This one has to be read out loud:

 

Two pieces of road tar walk into a bar, and go up to the barman, and say, "we're the biggest, toughest, meanest, hardest pieces of road tar in all the land!"

Just as they're about to get served, a red piece of road tar walks into the bar, and the first two suddenly jump up, looking really scared, and run round the bar to cower behind it at the barman's feet, who asks, "I though you two were the biggest, toughest, meanest, hardest pieces of road tar in all the land?"

 

They reply, "we are, but that guy's a cycle path!"

 

I guess only you from UK get that one.

[Goron_3]

What do you call an attractive muslim?

...

...

...

Asif.

 

I've heard that so many times it's unfunny.

[Emasher]

Bad jokes from when Nintendo Power Printed Nintendo Jokes:

 

What did Zelda Say to Link when he couldn't open the door: Try Force

Watch the angry video game nerds NP movie for more, I can't remember any more of them.

 

 

Why did *insert name of stupid person here* tiptoe past the medicine cabinet: He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

[The fish]

I guess only you from UK get that one.

 

Possibly, but remember, it's an awful joke. :wink:

[Fierce_LiNk]

This one has to be read out loud:

 

Two pieces of road tar walk into a bar, and go up to the barman, and say, "we're the biggest, toughest, meanest, hardest pieces of road tar in all the land!"

Just as they're about to get served, a red piece of road tar walks into the bar, and the first two suddenly jump up, looking really scared, and run round the bar to cower behind it at the barman's feet, who asks, "I though you two were the biggest, toughest, meanest, hardest pieces of road tar in all the land?"

 

They reply, "we are, but that guy's a cycle path!"

 

I'm loving it!

 

Haha, keep them up people, there's some corkers here.

[Oxigen_Waste]

Possibly, but remember, it's an awful joke. :wink:

 

I know... Psycopath=cycle path. But I figured... red tar is for bicycles, right? Over here... There is no red tar, that's what I meant.

[The fish]

Schizophrenia - it beats being alone!

 

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

[Jonnas]

What happens when Snow White takes her clothes off near the dwarves?

 

7 Up!

 

[Sparko]

I love terrible jokes, me and one of my friends in college waste entire lectures telling them to each other! Unfortunately I've got a terrible memory so I only remember one, it's one I heard on the West Wing.

 

Why did the frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un ouef

[Guest Stefkov]

I thought the red tar was or more friction on the road. I've never actually seen it on a cycle lane/path. That joke is invalid.

 

Some from Christmas crackers I remember.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

 

Doug!

 

Why did the skeleton not go to the ball?

 

He had no body to go with!..

 

lol..¬_¬

[Jimz]

Why did the model stare at the orange juice?

 

because it said concentrate on the carten

 

Am I the only one who finds it funny that a joke pointing out the stupidity of models has a spelling mistake?

[conzer16]

What do you call a girl with one leg?

 

Eileen

 

What do you call a girl with no legs?

 

No-leen

 

What do you call a cat with 3 legs?

 

Cat-leen

 

What do you call a girl between 2 posts?

 

Annette

 

What do you call a girl between 2 houses?

 

Elaine

 

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

 

Lily

 

And in response to Kov's DOug one:

 

What do you call a guy without a shovel on his head?

 

Douglas

[jayseven]

what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

 

Cliff.

 

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, floating in the sea?

 

Bob.

[Dog-amoto]

what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

 

Cliff.

 

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, floating in the sea?

 

Bob.

 

What do you call a man with a blackbird on his head?

 

Hugh Grant

[Ellmeister]

A man walks into a bar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"ouch"

[EEVILMURRAY]

"What was the last thing that went through your mothers' mind?"

 

MY DICK!

 

When I skullfucked her!

 

[weeyellowbloke]

How do you turn a pig into a piglet?

Set it on fire.

 

What do you get if cross a rottweiler with Lassie?

A dog that rips your arm off and then goes for help.

 

What do you get if you cross a rottweiler with a labrador pup?

A dog that bites your arse and then steals the bog roll.

 

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "so how do we drive this thing?"

[Jimbob]

2 crisps were standing at a corner when a man pulled up in his car.

"Need a lift" said the man

The crisps replied "No thanks, we're Walkers"

 

Why are muslims no good at football?

Because everytime they get a corner, they build a shop.

 

A man went into a bar and asked the barman for a shot of 25 year old scotch. "I can tell the difference, so don't try and give me different stuff." said the man to the bartender. The bartender thought for a second and gave the man a shot of 5 year scotch. The man drank it and slammed the shot glass on the table. "This is 5 year scotch, i asked for 25 year scotch." the man said. The bartender was a little impressed so tried him with 15 year scotch. Same happened again, glass slammed on table and the man complained again. "Look, i want 25 year scotch, not this cruddy 15 year scotch.". This time, the barman gave him the 25 year scotch and the man was happy this time. Another man came up to the bar who was also impressed by what he just saw. "You can work out how old the whiskey is by only drinking it" "Yes i can" replied the first man. "Ok then try this" the second man said. So the first man drank it and replied "Yuk, this tastes of piss". The second man laughed and said "Precisly, now work out how old i am then"