Am I Wrong?

[Kurtle Squad]

Sounds fixable.

[Zechs Merquise]

Ok before you read this please be warned it is a depressing tale of how a relationship of 4 years can go sour so fast.

 

I have been seeing my Girlfriend for 4 years. A couple of weeks ago she met and old mate from college. It was a bloke and they met for a drink. I wasnt entirely happy about this as it was totally out of the blue. They hadn't seen each other in 3 years. However i didnt stop her as i can not controll her life.

 

She asked me a few days later how i felt about it and as i have never lied to her i told her the truth, i wasnt totally comfortable with the situation. last monday after we had just had one our best weekends together she rung me and told me that she didnt know if she still loved me.

 

This came as such a shock and i was devistated, so we decided to take a break (we as in her) and we were going to meet this bank holiday monday. She rung me on the wednesday and told me she needed to see me, so we met on thurday. She told me she did love me and wanted to give it a go. one of the major things she said needed to change was that i would have to be ok with her seeing her mate. So i felt that if i told her i was unhappy about that she would leave me.

 

She said that she had already arranged to meet him on saturday so she left my house at 1 and as she left she mentioned that she was meeting at his house. again a shock and out of the blue. Now i couldnt tell her i was unhappy with this as she might leave. so i just dealt with it.

 

She didn't come back till 7 that evening which is a long time for things to be going round in your mind and she didn't answer my texts. When she got back she said that her battery was dead. now i am so paranoid it is unfunny. I asked what they did and she said he drove her to the beach in his sports car and they wlaked the lenght of the beach got an icecream and walked back. That sounds like a date to me.

 

We spent the night together and i didnt want to bring up the situation i was in as i really didnt want to lose her. What happend next i am not proud of because it goes against all my morals. When she went for a shower i read her text messages, something i thought i was not capable of doing and i read some things that made it worse, he was blatently flirting with her.

 

I couldnt tell her so i kept it to myself and we spent sunday and monday together. We had a really good time. but i still didnt feel right.

 

Yesterday at work it was just eating me up inside 1) that i had actually gone behind the back of the woman i love and 2) that there were things that i needed to know.

 

By the time i left work my mind was all over the place and the guilt was eating away at me so i rung her and asked her to meet me. She came in and i told her everything we spent 2 hours crying and trying to work things through.

 

Now we are on a break till Friday cause she doesn't know if she can trust me anymore.

 

Now am i wrong to think that it really was not appropriate for her to spend the day with another bloke basically doing things you would do on a date?

 

I feel i had no other choice am i just being a jealouse boyfriend and have i now ruined the best thing in my life?

 

You are not wrong, what you did was right. Women are like that, they play games and mess you around. Basically, who gives a toss you read a few messages on her phone, I'd go beserk if my bird was carrying on like that.

[Been Insane]

Tell her you are meeting an old girlfriend from school that you haven't seen for years. Tell her you are going to her house then when you are there don't answer any messages from her etc. When you get back i'm sure she will be pissed off that you have spend the day with a girl and didn't bother getting back to her. Then tell her you had a nice walk along the beach together and had ice cream.

 

I bet you she wouldn't like any of this. In my opinion you are being too hard on yourself. Everyone gets jelous and I don't think you have done anything bad. You have been together 4 years, I don't think its a big deal that you read her text messages, they way if she read yours it shouldn't be as there shouldn't be anything to hide.

[Jav_NE]

You are being too hard on yourself, women have a way of making it seem like they're right. It's a gift they have, and it sucks. She's the one flirting with an old friend, she's the one questioning your relationship, but its you that gets the brunt for checking her messages, which you had every right to do (though you shouldnt have told her you did, maybe you couldve wriggled it out of her somehow, bided your time to see what happened).

 

I hate the whole mistrust malarky, take myself, i have never once been disloyal to my girlfriend, or to any girlfriend i've ever had, but early on in my current relationship, my g/f couldve sworn i was cheating on her with a friend back home. Now, i can see why it looked that way; i had messages from her on my phone, i kept a letter she sent me wishing me luck at Uni, i'd told my g/f previously that i had once asked her out but got turned down and i walked her home once after a night out.

 

Maybe i'm strange and i brought it on myself for keeping text messages and the letter, i shouldn't have told her either that i fancied her at one point. The truth was though that me and that girl were just friends. We'd kissed before i met my g/f, id asked her out and got turned down, and we remained friends. That was it. I didn't love her and merely had those things as a memory of our friendship.

 

I tell you this to try and turn your perspective around to your girlfriends side. It isn't always how it looks. It's trajic, and to this day i wish things had been different for myself also, but sometimes it really is just in your head. I vowed never to speak to that girl again since my g/f asked me to; it was hard and i kinda missed her, but i had my g/f.

 

I'm not saying you should tell your girlfriend to never see this guy again, as a victim of that, i know it sucks. She'll resent you for not trusting her. I'm saying thatif she does call you and want to work things out, just be cool with it. Keep your witts about you of course, but don't over think simple things. Unless you catch them kissing or anything like that, you have to presume she's being faithful. Girls flirt all the time, and so do guys; it doesnt mean anything.

[Rapture1984]

Mate that don't sound like much fun! Everyone always says that things can never go back once you've had a break but it's not true, I had almost exactly the same thing happen with my current girl after 4 years of being together. She thought I was cheating on her and read through my phone, saw some messages and got completely the wrong end of the stick. We went on a break but after you been with someone that long you can't just leave it. I'm sure she loves you dude and you will work things out, just going to be a bit shitty for a while. Personally I felt betrayed when my gf looked through my phone as I wouldn't dream of cheating on her but you'll have to earn back that trust..

 

Wish I could give you some advice, 4 years is a long time to be together especially when your young but if you've made it this far then I'm sure you guys can work stuff out. Goodluck mate keep your chin up!

 

but its you that gets the brunt for checking her messages, which you had every right to do (though you shouldnt have told her you did, maybe you couldve wriggled it out of her somehow, bided your time to see what happened).

 

Lol! Isn't being in a relationship with someone about being honest?

[mike-zim]

ok update:

 

I spoke to her on wednesday night and she broke up with me. Which for reading through some texts i think is a pretty weak reason. I cried naturally and was feeling really hurt.

 

However i got a text from her yesterday lunch saying she wanted to talk face to face. so she came over last night and we talked everything through and we are back together. I am so happy it is untrue. i think things will get better from here and in a funny way i think the trust will be stronger.

 

Thank you for everyones oppinions, even those who slated me. i will treat it as constructive critisism. i hope that none of you find your selves in that situation.

 

Cheers

 

Zim

[Shorty]

Oh man, the number of guys I know who read their girls' texts and get in trouble for it... they just can't help themselves!

 

And the worst part is, it doesn't matter what you discover, they'll use the lack of trust and invasion of privacy right back against you.

 

Anyway I'm glad you've worked through it.

[Rummy]

Awesome to hear you managed to work through it and got back together, hope nothing like this crops up again in future!

[Kav]

Great news, happy for you man!

[MoogleViper]

Why does everybody think that reading your partners messages is a breach of trust? They shouldn't have anything to hide. Me and my gf always read eah others messages.

 

And there is nothing wrong with getting jealous. It's completely natural. And it shows that you care. I would rather my girlfriend get jealous than never at all. If she didn't get jealous then I would assume that she didn't care.

 

You should have told her from the start that you didn't want her seeing the friend. Maybe not have said that she couldn't but at least said that you were uncomfortable with it. If she is going to throw away 4 years of relationship for a friend she hasn't seen in years then either she is cheating or she doesn't much care about the relationship.

 

If it was me I would have gotten really angry and probably told her that she couldn't see him again. TBH I think you weren't in the wrong at all. I think you allowed yourself to be pushed around to much.

 

I know that it has resolved now but I wanted to get my two cents in. So just ignore this post and carry on as you would have done.

[Flaight]

ok update:

Good to hear everything worked out.

 

To me, it sounds like the spell of love is forcing you to self-blame. To me, she didn't do her duty in a fair one-to-one relationship, leaving you in a limbo. What you did is a natural effect of the cause she made, so it's her fault for not fulfilling her part of the bargain.

 

I love & hate falling in love. It's nice, but it also makes me think everything backward. My thinking begins to revolve around saving the relationship, then work everything backward from there. That usually leads to self-blame. It sounds like you did that too.

[Wesley]

My girlfriend reads my text messages I sometimes read hers. I don't mind neither does she. Why would you mind? Surely if there's trust then you wouldn't care.

[ShadowV7]

ok update:

 

I spoke to her on wednesday night and she broke up with me. Which for reading through some texts i think is a pretty weak reason. I cried naturally and was feeling really hurt.

 

However i got a text from her yesterday lunch saying she wanted to talk face to face. so she came over last night and we talked everything through and we are back together. I am so happy it is untrue. i think things will get better from here and in a funny way i think the trust will be stronger.

 

Thank you for everyones oppinions, even those who slated me. i will treat it as constructive critisism. i hope that none of you find your selves in that situation.

 

Cheers

 

Zim

 

I'm so glad things worked out,a shame to see a relationship getting messed up so easily,but now things will get better for you!

 

Shows the strength of your relationship if you can get past this.Well done on finding that special someone

[darkcloud]

Lol! Isn't being in a relationship with someone about being honest?

 

You say that with so much conviction! So awesome!

 

Relationships are never 100% honest. lol If they were they wouldn't get past so many hurdles. :-/ This is especially when you are living with the girl. o.o; Obviously you have to be honest about the big things, you know, being faithful to the other person, loving them or not, etc.... The truth is though that a lot of times it's best to lie about something. :-/ This is the truth in any kind of relationship.

 

I honestly think you you did the right thing checking her phone and if she has nothing to hide, she over reacted. As someone with nothing to hide wouldn't you laugh it off and tell the person how stupid they were?

[Goron_3]

Congrats on getting back with her.

 

Relationships are tough work, but when they work, they're great!

[Flaight]

The truth is though that a lot of times it's best to lie about something. :-/

In my case, telling the whole truth has been the real test of relationship. If your relationship is not strong enough for that, then lie :awesome: but that can get you into a vicious cycle where you can never be honest. I've been in both types of relationship, and believe me, it is possible to have 100% honesty. It's just damn hard to develop it to that point first.

[darkcloud]

In my case, telling the whole truth has been the real test of relationship. If your relationship is not strong enough for that, then lie :awesome: but that can get you into a vicious cycle where you can never be honest. I've been in both types of relationship, and believe me, it is possible to have 100% honesty. It's just damn hard to develop it to that point first.

 

100% honesty? Really? And how long have you been dating for? lol Lies come eventually in any relationship.... It happens in all different kinds of relationships as well, frienships, couples, employer/employee, etc..... Don't worry about it too much. The kind of lies I'm talking about are stupid things anyways. You should always be honest with anything major.

[Flaight]

100% honesty? Really? And how long have you been dating for? lol Lies come eventually in any relationship.... It happens in all different kinds of relationships as well, frienships, couples, employer/employee, etc..... Don't worry about it too much. The kind of lies I'm talking about are stupid things anyways. You should always be honest with anything major.

I'm one of those sentimental type who try hard to put my feelings across to my gf with a great deal of passion. Most relationships I've been in have been honest, within about a year. But I'm like that, and I also seem to attract similarly mellow personality.

 

I think you are right that lies creep in one time or another, but what I was trying to say earlier is that sooner or later we open up. It's usually ok. Those I've been with have appreciated the honesty first, foremost and the bond of trust would strengthen as a result.

 

I'm hoping this horrible episode mike-zim has had have changed the meaning of trust for the 2 of them. I think it may have done as he suggests. I seriously hate being in a relationship where I'm having to maintain a constant lie. I just can't stomach it.

[somme]

Well I don't like anyone reading my messages. I don't have anything to hide, it's a respect thing. It's my property. It's like opening someone elses mail. (Except not illegal)

 

This wasn't really in responce to the original post though, was just talking about me. I mean desperate times call for desperate measures, I probably would have done the same, but I wouldn't want it done to me.

[Zechs Merquise]

Look, I've read every girl's messages I've ever dated. More and more people are cheating and more and more marriages break down every year.

 

I like to stay ahead of the game lol. You did nothing wrong, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to trust them 100%.

 

All this nonsense that you need some shinning bond of trust between you and your partner for it to work is crap. Everyone has doubts, it's natural. What's more if you're getting feelings that she may be up to something, or that she is cheating maybe that's not you being untrusting, maybe she's giving off bad vibes.

 

You can subconciously pick things like that up, you start to feel tense, things feel weird between you and you start to worry. You don;t know why you're feeling those things, because she hasn't stated anything is wrong, you just feel it.

 

If you're picking things like that up then do a bit of digging, if you find nothing, then maybe you are being paranoid (or she's hid things better than you expected). But if you find something at least you can deal with it.

[mike-zim]

Thanks guys. you know since we sorted things out our relationship is better than ever. all i know is i love her and she loves me and in the end what else is there?

[DiemetriX]

Glad to hear that zim.

[Ellmeister]

Thanks guys. you know since we sorted things out our relationship is better than ever. all i know is i love her and she loves me and in the end what else is there?

 

Awwwww mushy love.

*plays that song with, "It must be love, love, love....*

 

Congrats on hearing you're staying together