Kurtle Squad

Love? Relationships? Boy girl stuff? Complaints and appraisals! Gifs be welcome.

Recommended Posts

The I dont have time speech is such bullshit. I've been on the receiving end recently too. Why go on a date and then say it? At least bring it up at beginning or something!

 

Mine was about 2 months of sporadic dates before I got that which was stupid. Chin up Moog!

 

I appreciate that being a nurse she probably doesn't have much time (I live with a GP and a pharmacist who works at the same hospital), but surely a "I don't have much time, but we can take things slowly" is better than just calling it off? I don't know.

 

I responded to her text with the old "thanks for letting me know... if you change your mind feel free to give me a call". Which for me is more of a courtesy text. If somebody has bothered to let you know (rather than just stopping texting you out of the blue) then it's a nice little acknowledgement, a "no hard feelings" kind of thing. But she actually responded to that saying if things change then she'll drop me a line. That seems quite weird to me, if you're going to call it off then surely that would be the end of it? Or maybe she was just being courteous and I'm reading too much into it.

 

I seem to be able to find nice girls, and we get on well, it just never seems to make sense.

 

Does anybody here fancy going on a date with me and seeing what I do wrong?

Edited by MoogleViper

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd go on a date with you, but let's face it, we'd just end up in bed together.

 

But if you ever need some notes on your lovemaking, hit me up.

 

Were you happy with the amount I paid you? Too much --- Just right --- Not enough

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd go on a date with you, but let's face it, we'd just end up in bed together.

 

But if you ever need some notes on your lovemaking, hit me up.

 

Were you happy with the amount I paid you? Too much --- Just right --- Not enough

 

Shall we say this Friday at 8pm?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I appreciate that being a nurse she probably doesn't have much time (I live with a GP and a pharmacist who works at the same hospital), but surely a "I don't have much time, but we can take things slowly" is better than just calling it off? I don't know.

 

I responded to her text with the old "thanks for letting me know... if you change your mind feel free to give me a call". Which for me is more of a courtesy text. If somebody has bothered to let you know (rather than just stopping texting you out of the blue) then it's a nice little acknowledgement, a "no hard feelings" kind of thing. But she actually responded to that saying if things change then she'll drop me a line. That seems quite weird to me, if you're going to call it off then surely that would be the end of it? Or maybe she was just being courteous and I'm reading too much into it.

 

I seem to be able to find nice girls, and we get on well, it just never seems to make sense.

 

Does anybody here fancy going on a date with me and seeing what I do wrong?

 

Props on the courtesy text/reply, that's a nice thing to do imo. I'll admit, nursing and shiftwork can be an absolute shitter for social lifing - especially as more and more people get 9-5s and you're doing weekends, nights, all sorts etc. I used to do it part time and that could suck, and one of my mates still does full time and I don't really tend to see him at the big social events due to the toll of shiftwork. However, here I'd be inclined to agree there could have been more effort made on her part before that. It could be a combination of things though who knows.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Does anybody here fancy going on a date with me and seeing what I do wrong?

 

 

I don't want you to take this in a negative way - know that I just mean to be supportive and offer some friendly advice.

 

'Not having time' is her just being nice. And you were too nice saying thanks and give me a call anytime. That's cool...but only if you just want her to know you as 'that nice guy'.

Ask yourself what that says. It says that she can blow you off (not in the good way) and you'll say thanks, I'm happy to see you anytime - just let me know and I'll make some time for you. It says your time isn't valuable and she can just have you anytime she wants.

I know you were being nice, your a decent guy from what I read on here. But when it comes to women that alone won't make them want you.

 

In your text you'd have been better off coming across that she's missing out on some great fun by not making time for you. I always see blow offs like that as a test - a great little way to re-frame the seriousness of it all. Maybe she was testing your resolve/how serious you were about her. Hey, maybe she got nervous from your intelligence/wit or massive man pecs. ;)

My advice in these kinds of situations generally goes like this:

 

Hey, (insert random name you've made up for her like 'music chick')

Funny you text me, I was thinking about grading your date performance and deciding if you were cool enough to hang with me! Seems like you might have realised you weren't cool enough ;) but look, I can see you were just nervous and hey - even I was - that dress was too cute! But I'm willing to give you another chance to hang out with me. I'm free this Thur/Fri eve at 8pm if you can handle fun?

 

Most people would think that's just sounding like an asshole. It's not. You aren't being nasty. Your presenting a challenge, showing you want her and are also being...fun.

If you aren't being playful and slightly winding her and up and she's not vibing with you at the early stages, you don't want her. It should be light and just fun at this point. If she's getting all serious in a negative way - back.away.

 

I don't know you, nor her (and when I've previously given any relationship advice here I've been sarcastically mocked) but I know my stuff. I've had lots of relationships (both short and long-term) and read books/studies on relationships when I was in my mid-late 20's. As an adviser/counsellor I also know how to build rapport with people effectively and quickly to build trust to help them in as few sessions as possible. It helps. I'm not an 'expert' but know what to avoid for the most part. The best thing is all women are different so you need to be socially acute to know what works with that person. You should have a list of what you want in a person and ask them questions around those as well. Qualify her. Many women aren't used to that. IE: what's your favourite animal and why? Do you like animals, I'm looking for someone who is kind to animals...

 

I digress...

 

I'll just say that if you aren't pushing any buttons emotionally, it can be hard for a woman to keep interested in you. Often just being a 'nice guy' is boring so you need to add some emotion too - positive is best. That's why you avoid talking about politics/death/money/exes for the most part. Again, I caused debate last time I mentioned this on here as folk thought I was saying don't be a nice person. Again, I'll say - being nice is important, it's just not everything - if it was, bad boys would all be single...

 

On my dates and online talk I've kept it playful, teasing and just cheeky enough. If a woman hasn't got into that zone with me, I tell her she's too boring for a fun, cool guy like me and that we could just be friends for when I've nothing exciting happening in my life. ;) be funny. If she kicks off tell her she's got no sense of humour. Be cool but be playful.

 

Why else do women want a good sense of humour in a guy on their dating profiles? It's all about the feel-good. Keep the serious and overly 'nice' stuff for later down the road when the passionate 'just starting out sex' has subsided.

 

 

My dating with piano girl is going well. Stayed over all weekend second week in a row and it was lovely. Don't want to put too much personal stuff here but she's the kind of girl that makes you smile on a random lazy Monday afternoon at work. The feels!

Edited by tapedeck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I don't want you to take this in a negative way - know that I just mean to be supportive and offer some friendly advice.

 

'Not having time' is her just being nice. And you were too nice saying thanks and give me a call anytime. That's cool...but only if you just want her to know you as 'that nice guy'.

Ask yourself what that says. It says that she can blow you off (not in the good way) and you'll say thanks, I'm happy to see you anytime - just let me know and I'll make some time for you. It says your time isn't valuable and she can just have you anytime she wants.

I know you were being nice, your a decent guy from what I read on here. But when it comes to women that alone won't make them want you.

 

In your text you'd have been better off coming across that she's missing out on some great fun by not making time for you. I always see blow offs like that as a test - a great little way to re-frame the seriousness of it all. Maybe she was testing your resolve/how serious you were about her. Hey, maybe she got nervous from your intelligence/wit or massive man pecs. ;)

My advice in these kinds of situations generally goes like this:

 

Hey, (insert random name you've made up for her like 'music chick')

Funny you text me, I was thinking about grading your date performance and deciding if you were cool enough to hang with me! Seems like you might have realised you weren't cool enough ;) but look, I can see you were just nervous and hey - even I was - that dress was too cute! But I'm willing to give you another chance to hang out with me. I'm free this Thur/Fri eve at 8pm if you can handle fun?

 

Most people would think that's just sounding like an asshole. It's not. You aren't being nasty. Your presenting a challenge, showing you want her and are also being...fun.

If you aren't being playful and slightly winding her and up and she's not vibing with you at the early stages, you don't want her. It should be light and just fun at this point. If she's getting all serious in a negative way - back.away.

 

I don't know you, nor her (and when I've previously given any relationship advice here I've been sarcastically mocked) but I know my stuff. I've had lots of relationships (both short and long-term) and read books/studies on relationships when I was in my mid-late 20's. As an adviser/counsellor I also know how to build rapport with people effectively and quickly to build trust to help them in as few sessions as possible. It helps. I'm not an 'expert' but know what to avoid for the most part. The best thing is all women are different so you need to be socially acute to know what works with that person. You should have a list of what you want in a person and ask them questions around those as well. Qualify her. Many women aren't used to that. IE: what's your favourite animal and why? Do you like animals, I'm looking for someone who is kind to animals...

 

I digress...

 

I'll just say that if you aren't pushing any buttons emotionally, it can be hard for a woman to keep interested in you. Often just being a 'nice guy' is boring so you need to add some emotion too - positive is best. That's why you avoid talking about politics/death/money/exes for the most part. Again, I caused debate last time I mentioned this on here as folk thought I was saying don't be a nice person. Again, I'll say - being nice is important, it's just not everything - if it was, bad boys would all be single...

 

On my dates and online talk I've kept it playful, teasing and just cheeky enough. If a woman hasn't got into that zone with me, I tell her she's too boring for a fun, cool guy like me and that we could just be friends for when I've nothing exciting happening in my life. ;) be funny. If she kicks off tell her she's got no sense of humour. Be cool but be playful.

 

Why else do women want a good sense of humour in a guy on their dating profiles? It's all about the feel-good. Keep the serious and overly 'nice' stuff for later down the road when the passionate 'just starting out sex' has subsided.

 

I appreciate the advice, and definitely won't take it negatively.

 

The thing is, I am the nice guy, and I want to keep it that way. 1) I don't want to change who I am to get a girl, 2) I hate the concept of mind games, it's just pure manipulation to me, 3) I don't want a girl who plays mind games, or needs a guy to play mind games to get her. I'm aware that that makes it likely I'll be single for a long time, but I'd rather be single that change what makes me me, change my values, and end up being with somebody who I don't respect (and not respect myself).

 

Also I don't think this was a case of no emotional interest. Whilst normally I think that would be a valid reason, on this date we were cuddling, holding hands and kissing for a long while; she dragged me onto the dance floor and we were dancing quite sensually. And from everything I've heard from others that know her well, she's not likely to be a tease or to blow guys off on a whim.

 

Maybe I'm mistaken, and she is as you say (many girls are), but either way I abhor the idea of "playing the game", and would prefer to find somebody who feels the same.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, (insert random name you've made up for her like 'music chick')

Funny you text me, I was thinking about grading your date performance and deciding if you were cool enough to hang with me! Seems like you might have realised you weren't cool enough ;) but look, I can see you were just nervous and hey - even I was - that dress was too cute! But I'm willing to give you another chance to hang out with me. I'm free this Thur/Fri eve at 8pm if you can handle fun?

 

lol, I hate to think what kind of woman that could work on.

 

Maybe I'm mistaken, and she is as you say (many girls are), but either way I abhor the idea of "playing the game", and would prefer to find somebody who feels the same.

 

Good on you. I am +1 to that in having a 5 year relationship with no game playing or winding up / insulting to get there. I don't doubt the advice would work on some women but a relationship like that based around, let's face it, something a bit too much like drama doesn't sound like much fun. The nice ones who like nice ones are indeed out there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I appreciate the advice, and definitely won't take it negatively.

 

The thing is, I am the nice guy, and I want to keep it that way. [...]

 

Maybe I'm mistaken, and she is as you say (many girls are), but either way I abhor the idea of "playing the game", and would prefer to find somebody who feels the same.

 

Thanks for your honesty. In some way initial 'courting' processes are about playing a 'game' as there are rules we can follow to get the best results.

 

Games aren't always bad. They can be fun! You indicate manipulation and in matters of the heart we see such aspects as wholly negative. They are if we aim to hurt others, which I would never promote. When dating we are presenting a front/manipulating whenever we dress up more or wear new aftershave. It's just we see these things as 'normal' and congruent with who we are so we don't mind doing them. I'm just staying adopt some new techniques which will then become normal to your psyche.

 

Turning up for dates, telling good stories about ourselves could be construed as a game too. It's about presenting our best selves.

What I'm saying is more about being the 'best' version of yourself and keeping things fun.

 

Sounds like she got a bit of cold feet if she was all over you? Who knows. Women are a bit of a mystery hah. I'd just pursue a bit more if you really like her. Put it out in the open that you had a great night and would like more...

Being 'nice' is also about being honest about how we are feeling. : peace:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for your honesty. In some way initial 'courting' processes are about playing a 'game' as there are rules we can follow to get the best results.

 

Games aren't always bad. They can be fun! You indicate manipulation and in matters of the heart we see such aspects as wholly negative. They are if we aim to hurt others, which I would never promote. When dating we are presenting a front/manipulating whenever we dress up more or wear new aftershave. It's just we see these things as 'normal' and congruent with who we are so we don't mind doing them. I'm just staying adopt some new techniques which will then become normal to your psyche.

 

Turning up for dates, telling good stories about ourselves could be construed as a game too. It's about presenting our best selves.

What I'm saying is more about being the 'best' version of yourself and keeping things fun.

 

Sounds like she got a bit of cold feet if she was all over you? Who knows. Women are a bit of a mystery hah. I'd just pursue a bit more if you really like her. Put it out in the open that you had a great night and would like more...

Being 'nice' is also about being honest about how we are feeling. : peace:

 

Of course, you're always putting up a front, representing the best view of yourself. Whenever you meet somebody you aren't going to present every single facet of yourself, there will be certain things you tone down or even keep hidden (heck, if I told a girl half of the stuff I've revealed on here they'd likely run for the hills). But for me there's a line, between normal social interactions (trying to portray yourself as more confident, charming etc.) and playing games (such as saying one things and meaning another, to try and get a reaction). That's the point where I draw the line.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You should send her a link to the last few posts. Hell, even I'm starting to fall in love with you.

 

I am however too busy to pursue a relationship right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
You should send her a link to the last few posts. Hell, even I'm starting to fall in love with you.

 

I am however too busy to pursue a relationship right now.

 

Stone cold man, stone cold. Hilarious, but cold :p

 

 

@tapedeck - not saying I don't disagree with you - but what if someone possibly just DOESN'T have time? What are they supposed to say then? Like, I don't think just not having time is always that true cos you arguably make time for other things etcetc but I think it definitely can be a possibility, and without doubt a contributing factor on shift work. At the moment I'm doing part time within 9-5 mon-fri, but then I'm doing a 7.5 hour shift on sundays that's either starting super early or running super late - and the idea of being 'too busy' has certainly played on my mind. Evenings and Saturdays are basically the only time you'll find my socially, sometimes lowkey on a Sunday afternoon if I did an early but that's hit or miss(and usually means I didn't see you much/late on Saturday). I've barely seen a lot of my friends over the last few months, and whilst I contemplate the girl I like I definitely worry about being 'too busy' or sacrificing something/someone else in order not to be.

Edited by Rummy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Had a second date planned with the lady from last week.

She just cancelled. "Sorry, won't be able to make it." That was it.

 

Well, that didn't last long :D

 

How do you guys handle a situation like this?

I used to always think that it's the girl's responsibility to set a new date if she's really interested. Will probably keep it that way.

 

Edit: She had the courtesy to tell me that she'd rather just be friends.

 

Anyway...as Dave Grohl once said: "Done, I'm done and I'm onto the next one" : peace:

Edited by drahkon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I've been with my current girlfriend since we met in February and we've spent every weekend together since then and it's been going amazingly. Don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right at this moment and it's all because of her. We've just connected so well and always seem to be having fun, having a laugh or being properly special together (well I say special, if a seagull chirps at you it's rude not to chirp back :heh:)

 

Over the last couple of weeks we've been talking about moving in, or at least some of the logistics behind it as she's just started a new job as a carer up near where she lives and so it would mean having to get a bus every morning and night to get her to work and what would happen if she was working Sundays or night shifts. But when talking about it, we've both agreed that these are things that we could work out as we go along.

 

It's become so hard to be apart during the week as she's obviously up at her work and I'm at mine and though we do text and talk on the phone, it's not really the same as being able to talk to one another in person like we do Friday through Sunday at weekends. And especially as she's been a little unwell a couple of times recently and I've been unable to get up to hers to look after her and stuff and vice versa.

 

So after mulling it over for a couple of weeks, I've decided I'm going to ask her to move in with me when she comes up tomorrow. As I say, it's something we've both talked about and both want and while it may not be ideal timing for either of us (I'm looking for jobs to get away from my PhD but may have to stay on with it and she's just started a new job) and might seem like it's too early, when you care enough about someone that you just want to spend every day with them then the little issues of logistics are moot really and things that can be worked around.

 

So yeah, it's a big step for well both of us but especially for me as I've been slowly getting back on track after personal issues at the start of the year so I'm obviously a little bit nervous about asking her tomorrow but thinking it'll go well and should be all good. Here's hoping. Wish me luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Go for it! My other half moved in with me after 4 or 5 months. She finished uni and had to move back home, which was an hour and a half away. She was looking at staying in the area anyway, so we figured it was a good idea for her to move in.

 

It wasn't ideal (I still live with my parents) and it probably was too soon by normal standards, but we haven't killed each other yet and she moved in a year and a half ago. Plus, it meant she could live cheap whilst she searched for a job. It's also allowed us to live cheap whilst saving for a house, which we have now pretty much hit our target for.

 

TLDR: Fuck any potential problems, do it if it's what you want.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(Online) Dating is such a soul-crusher. Who ever said it was fun?

 

Also why does nearly every girl on OKC appear to be bisexual? I can't compete with women; they know women much better than I do!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(Online) Dating is such a soul-crusher. Who ever said it was fun?

 

Also why does nearly every girl on OKC appear to be bisexual? I can't compete with women; they know women much better than I do!

 

I noticed that on OKC as well. I personally found POF to be better. I liked OKC's matching system (which I read recently that its actually bullshit), but the people on POF seemed better in general.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(Online) Dating is such a soul-crusher. Who ever said it was fun?

No one ever?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually quite enjoyed it. I just saw it as a way to talk to new people and discover new interests through them (especially new music). I kind of miss it a bit actually.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I recently posted something about a lady who lives a 4 1/2 hour train ride away and that, even though she's really awesome, I don't want a long distance relationship.

 

Yesterday she came over to visit me, we had an amazing evening, she obviously spent the night, and this morning we kissed.

 

I decided that she's much too great to let the opportunity go by. If we decide to try a long distance relationship and it goes well: Great. If it doesn't, then it's just not meant to be.

 

Anyway, right now I'm happy. :) That's currently all that matters, as I haven't felt this great in years.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm babysitting for my sister next week. As I've never looked after a single kid before on my own (let alone three), she's getting one of her friends to help me. It just happens to be the one I like.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Also why does nearly every girl on OKC appear to be bisexual?

 

Just thought I'd do a little informal experiment. I went on browse matches and opened the pages of all the women I found attractive (28 in total). 9 of them were listed as bisexual.

 

That's nearly a third. Now the percentage of the population that is bisexual is well below this. According to this ONS survey 95% of the population are heterosexual, and only 0.4% are bisexual. SO why so many on OKC?

 

The only explanations I can think of are:

- OKC has a reputation for being very gay/bi friendly (that's true, but it wouldn't push the numbers up that high)

- they aren't really bi but think that putting it makes their profile seem more attractive (this would mean that they would also be receiving messages from women)

 

I googled it and this Reddit was the first result, so it's not just me that's spotted it. I also found this OKTrend article. This chart is the most interesting:

 

WhoBisexualsMessagePie2.png

 

So it seems that only 23% of the people who list themselves as bisexual seem to actually be bisexual; which would bring my collected figure down to 7.4% of the population, still high but much more realistic. So the vast majority of people listed as bisexual are either straight or lesbian.

 

This seems stupid to me. Firstly, why wouldn't you want people of the sex you're not attracted to messaging you? Secondly, do you really think that listing yourself as bisexual would make you more attractive? From a guy side, I don't think it would make much difference, but it would be more likely to work in a negative sense. The only guys I can imagine it would work on surely aren't the sort of guys you would want.

Edited by MoogleViper

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So it seems that only 23% of the people who list themselves as bisexual seem to actually be bisexual; which would bring my collected figure down to 7.4% of the population, still high but much more realistic. So the vast majority of people listed as bisexual are either straight or lesbian.

 

This seems stupid to me. Firstly, why wouldn't you want people of the sex you're not attracted to messaging you? Secondly, do you really think that listing yourself as bisexual would make you more attractive? From a guy side, I don't think it would make much difference, but it would be more likely to work in a negative sense. The only guys I can imagine it would work on surely aren't the sort of guys you would want.

 

It's possible that someone is bisexual, but preferring one gender to the other. So, they usually message their preferred gender, but keep the options open, in case an interesting [person from other gender] messages them (I am guessing, though, that the blue and red parts of that chart include people who do message another sex, but rarely).

 

Also, the chart you have doesn't specify gender, but you're only talking about women who might do this. Surely, if the figures are that high, guys are doing it too?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't forget that people are more likely to be open about their sexuality on a dating site then an official survey. Not that it would account for such a difference, but I'd say the ONS number is likely to be low.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It's possible that someone is bisexual, but preferring one gender to the other. So, they usually message their preferred gender, but keep the options open, in case an interesting [person from other gender] messages them (I am guessing, though, that the blue and red parts of that chart include people who do message another sex, but rarely).

 

Also, the chart you have doesn't specify gender, but you're only talking about women who might do this. Surely, if the figures are that high, guys are doing it too?

 

Agree with the first point, but this was people who ONLY message one gender, not favour one gender. So (bar a little wobble) it will have pretty much evened out.

 

And you're right about gender difference:

 

BiMenMessaging.pngBiWomenMessaging.png

 

So it seems that for men most people listed as bisexual are actually gay men, and for women it is a higher proportion of straight women.

 

Don't forget that people are more likely to be open about their sexuality on a dating site then an official survey. Not that it would account for such a difference, but I'd say the ONS number is likely to be low.

 

People are actually pretty open when it is an anonymous survey. Even if we include the 0.5% other and the 3% don't know/don't want to say then bisexuals still account for less than 4%.

 

Even if the 0.4% figure isn't 100% accurate, it's still clearly much lower than the 32% I observed (or the 12% according to OKC Trends).

Edited by MoogleViper

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites