Dating/Relationships Thread.

[tapedeck]

Nice guys finish last as they say.

 

Ok, seems a good time to start a thread on this.

Here is a place where we can out all of our relationship/dating banter. Hopefully we will have a decent archive of advice too!

Feel the love

 

First of all, I thought I should let you know that dating/relationships is an area I've been studying hugely since the beginning of the year. I guess I'm still a novice but I've learnt so much. What I've learnt and where I'm at in regards to learning about attraction and taking the steps into controlling my 'dating' life is within the spoiler tags below. I'd love it if you all contributed with some real-life experiences. This could be a great thread for trying out new things/learning from others and having your mind blown wide open by new possibilities.

 

 

Back story about how I came to learn about this:

Those who know a little about me probably know of a recent relationship breakdown I had with some awful aftermath. Well, unfortunately I've had a few like that. I'm 26 - nearly been married twice now, and, well for various reasons things just always fell apart with them being really nasty as an outcome. It came to a point in Jan '09 where I was sick of this happening to me. I know I'm a good guy. I'm nice, I'm funny and I deeply care and put others before me. Unfortunately I got to a point where I was frustrated beyond belief at why I kept failing at relationships. And, seeing all my fellow friends all settling down made me think "where am I going wrong". I didn't self-pity. I felt that there was no smoke without fire and a relationship is two-halves and so I turned to learning about myself when it comes to dating/relationships.

 

What I've learnt:

 

One of the most amazing things I've found so far is that there are certain ways and means of sparking attraction. You may not initially agree, (due to conditioning primarily seen in the media) but the following statement is true:

Attraction isn't a choice.

Think about it for a minute. Think about how that changes everything. If you had the power to promote attraction on yourself how would that change things? Luckily...that's exactly what you can do. The following should help you realise the tools to shine the light of attraction onto yourself.

 

Emotion is key:

 

Sure, a woman may look at you and think "good looking" but then you may have the personality of a corpse or even worse, become her doormat. She'll then lose interest. (This is how my long-term relationships fell apart.) Afterall, it makes sense. As humans we don't value the things which come easy to us or are the same all of the time -IE a walk over.

Another truth: Men are more bothered by looks whereas women seek emotion more. Think of all the hot girls you see with ugly men. Make of that what you will. They sure as hell never attracted them through their looks - they've given them emotional response in some way. Think of all the gossip women love and the soaps women watch - emotion is like crack to them and they jack up daily.

Ok, so I digressed a little there.

Attraction isn't a choice. Now I've found that someone is generally attracted to another person on more than a physical level through the following things...

 

How to be attractive:

 

There are certain things such as body language, the way you speak, the way you act which can spark attraction.

Confidence, humour and a somewhat cocky disposition are key (as well as being well groomed, clean, tidy). Even if you don't think you are some of those things - these things can be learnt.

Your body language promotes confidence - improve it. Walk slower, hold your head tall, back straight, shoulders back. (Makes you feel better too!)

Be funny (creates feel good emotions)...Don't spout lines from stand up - it will seem forced. A good start is to think of the polar opposites of situations. She says she's 20 when you ask her, her age - say she looked 40 or 12. She works in a shop - ask her what it's like and use the info to put some funny in there all related to her. (I bet you flirt with your manager so you'll get a payrise! - Stuff like that.) There are opportunities to be a funny guy everywhere. Just don't overdo it - you'll be seen as just a joke®. (I was lucky to have the funny and confidence nailed on but took the funny too far hence it lost its value.) Remember what I said women seek? Emotion. Put emotion into your interactions and you'll be remembered. I've come to learn that good or bad - it doesn't matter. Offend her and she'll remember you. But as long as she had a laugh at the same time you'll be like Gold. If you can pull this off you're probably already a huge success with the opposite sex. (Women: Men are more egotistical than women so this probably won't work as well the other way around!) But this takes skill - One I'm still learning!

 

The 'player' - what they do that you don't...

 

These are the things which "bad boys" seem to naturally do - and this makes them the selector and the girl generally ends up chasing them. I found in their interactions that they took an interest in the girl yet also wound her up through her responses. They almost took this winding up too far as well (probably where the "jerk" idea from other men stems from - they think it's personal whereas the girl is loving it.) Remember: this created emotional response as well as indifference is huge. This winding up through joking/flirting makes it seem that the guy has options (as he 'maybe' doesn't care), which makes him desirable. Throw this in with some elusiveness (having the ability to walk away) and this perceived value will go through the roof - attraction is then built. As I've said before, we are attracted to what we cannot have or may struggle to get. It's the messed up human condition baby.

This may seem like utter bollocks and perhaps some of the women on here may say "no way"...but from everything I've started doing at the beginning of this year- it's been like fairy dust.

I was at a bar and a girl next to me was texting someone so I asked her if she had no mates as she had to text in a club...She was outraged - in a funny way. I then asked her if she wanted some real human interaction I may let her buy me a drink. (Being different.) We had a great interaction, I got her number (brought up the text joke again saying don't be texting me when your clubbing), and I moved on (elusive). It was fun - for both of us. And it wasn't nasty. Plus, I selected her, then I left. Leaving is huge - no other way demonstrates your value as much. (Always good with texting too - end a convo 1st by saying "talk later")

 

Be honest:

 

Now, I'm not a 'player' sure, I enjoy female company but to me a player insinuates that I would hurt another person on purpose to get what I want. I wouldn't do that. I'm honest to women at all times. I slept with a girl earlier this year and another girl I liked more asked me if I slept with this other girl. I looked her in the eyes and said "Yes" straight away. May seem crazy but it wasn't. It made the desire she felt shoot up (as I had value) AND it showed I was honest and A) did what I wanted B) wasn't a liar C) Took responsibility for my actions.

A lot of men pretend to be something they aren't as a means to impress women. (Even a fast car, well paid job can hide who they really are.) This was something I learnt from watching a womanising guy I used to know. He never pretended to be anything other than the player he was. I just adapted it. Women want honesty.

(NOTE: If you know any womanisers, hang out with them and study them. Just say you wanna get things sorted. They'll be more than happy to stroke their ego and you'll learn tons!)

 

Summary:

 

Ok, so what I'm getting at here is that there are certain things which you can do to improve yourself when it comes to the dating scene/getting what you want out of life. And these learned skills are not a bad thing. Your just improving yourself as a means to get a side of your life handled.

Relationships are vital to your self well-being and play a huge role in society (even how we are perceived). Sadly we're never really taught the laws of attraction and so a lot of us fumble our way through, making the same mistakes over and over again. (I did!) Not only will you benefit from learning about how to attract, you'll also learn more about yourself and -- think about this: Women will appreciate the fact that you took the time out to improve yourself for the opposite sex.

 

We all want to be loved - but the world can be a cruel place to put your heart in. Is it not better to learn how to attract, how to be a stand up (as in a leader not Lee Evans) individual and take control of these situations?

 

 

I'm just putting this out there - maybe some of the above will speak to you and make you think "wow". And if you can relate/disagree feel free to comment.

I was sick of being heartbroken or in the 'friend' bracket. But now I've taken what works and I am using these tools to make myself and others feel good - and now I get a LOT of opposite sex interaction. Some of you may think this is manipulation but back when I was buying flowers and chocolates that was, essentially the same thing (but cost more!) and put me firmly in the friend bracket.

 

Thoughts as ever : peace:

Edited April 21, 2009 by tapedeck

[Daft]

Is this all kind of obvious though? I'm not really one to comment but I'm avoiding finishing two essays and I go slightly insane procrastination wise when this happens. Forgive me!!! T_T"

[Chris the great]

im just gonna go out and say, im terrible at starting relationships, yet female friends often use me as an example of how they wish thier boyfriend was. I also give good relationship advice, i tend to understand how the average women's mind works, espcialy in the overblown romantic gestures department.

 

my problem is that i never make a move fast enough, i spend to long testing the water, and before you know, im a firmly established mate. i used to obsess over one girl at a time, like build her up far to much and bassicly pour all my energy onto getting her. this dosent usualy go so well.

 

so my relationship advice is this- wasting time costs you a shot at love. go for it. and dont be afraid of hearing no.

[Jimbob]

im just gonna go out and say, im terrible at starting relationships, yet female friends often use me as an example of how they wish thier boyfriend was. I also give good relationship advice, i tend to understand how the average women's mind works, espcialy in the overblown romantic gestures department.

 

my problem is that i never make a move fast enough, i spend to long testing the water, and before you know, im a firmly established mate. i used to obsess over one girl at a time, like build her up far to much and bassicly pour all my energy onto getting her. this dosent usualy go so well.

 

so my relationship advice is this- wasting time costs you a shot at love. go for it. and dont be afraid of hearing no.

 

Are we sharing the same mind, because thats basically me and relationships in a nutshell. Only addition is that any young female that talks to me wishes their boyfriends were like me.

 

I also never move fast enough when going for a girl, or half the time never make a move at all.

[Chris the great]

i did neglect to mention, that if i lowered my standards, id be swimming in girls.

 

see, the larger lady (and i mean like, unbelivably huge) and the older lady (50's at least) love me.

[Charlie]

Great post, tapedeck. +rep!

 

I've been looking into similar stuff as you have and even started the StyleLife Challenge but gave up after about day 6 as I couldn't afford to go out everyday to do the challenges etc.

 

What you're saying about mock insults is absolutely true, the girls will never admit it, but they love it. They love attention. A good tip I've found works well if you're approaching a group of people, deliberately don't talk or even look at the one you like in the group. Talk to her friend (works great if there's only 2 of them) and the other one will try to vie for your attention. Then you can move onto her.

[Retro_Link]

Yeah this has kind of been talked about in the regrets thread, basically try not to have them!

I also never move fast enough when going for a girl, or half the time never make a move at all.

Girls I've been really into in the past have usually come at a time when I've been lacking confidence, thus I don't move fast enough and two cases they've ended up going out with someone else from my group of friends at the time.

And one of the worst things is then having to be around the girl while she spends time with that person!... though in the two cases I'm talking about the relationships didn't last all that long which made it easier to bare!

But then of course you can't really make a move on that girl because she's just broken up from your mate.

 

I'm a bit better now though.

 

i did neglect to mention, that if i lowered my standards, id be swimming in girls.

haha, this is true! Edited April 20, 2009 by Retro_Link

[Charlie]

i did neglect to mention, that if i lowered my standards, id be swimming in girls.

 

see, the larger lady (and i mean like, unbelivably huge) and the older lady (50's at least) love me.

 

I generally lower my standards as the night progresses depending on how I'm doing. If things aren't going my way by the last hour I have been known to go for a less attractive girl. Never go for a fatty though.

 

And for some reason I always seem to pull when I'm absolutely steaming, no idea how it happens.

[Retro_Link]

And for some reason I always seem to pull when I'm absolutely steaming, no idea how it happens.

Yeah, it's probably down to the lass also being wasted, and if she's a minger, desperate too!

[Charlie]

Yeah, it's probably down to the lass also being wasted, and if she's a minger, desperate too!

 

Haha, yeah most likely. Although I've met up with a few of them before and the two which spring to mind are both decent looking.

 

Although for some reason we only ever met up once, one time we planned to meet up again but she text me the night before saying it wasn't going to work. No idea why as I thought we both had a great time when we went out, we were chatting away for hours.

[DuD]

I tend to be completely oblivious to advancements from women when i'm out.

for example, there was a lass i was kinda into a couple of years back (we're actually best mates now) who whenever we go out as a large group of mates would always point out women coming on to me, then tell how sucessfull i would be if i actually noticed. yet me being me, i just chat away and have fun, not really reading anything into anything.

 

I did wonder a while ago if in fact she had been into me at the time? but it doesn't really matter now

[Retro_Link]

Haha, yeah most likely. Although I've met up with a few of them before and the two which spring to mind are both decent looking.

The last girl I met in a club we met up three times after; two times on other nights out soon after and on the third time we went to the cinema.

 

Whilst we actually had quite a lot in common, you wouldn't have know it, she was the most boring person; she would never really start a conversation, or contribute much to one; needless to say I told her it wasn't gonna work out.

 

A great personality really does mean a lot, and at the very least they should atleast have one, unlike the girl I mentioned!

Edited April 20, 2009 by Retro_Link

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

I'm sucking up any piece of advice I can get on this! :p Kudos to tapedeck for taking the time to share his experience.

[Eenuh]

All this advice seems to be mainly aimed at girls you meet in a club though, or am I wrong? I personally hate the thought of looking for someone in a place like that, as most guys in there are only after one thing (at least that's how it felt to me, I've only been to a club a couple of times and hated it).

 

I think I'll stick to the online dating. X3

[Chris the great]

 

I think I'll stick to the online dating. X3

 

i have had rather a few ladies fall rather hard for me based just on msn conversations we had. im rather a catch online apparently.

 

probebly as i still have all my hair and my waist size isnt bigger then my I.Q.

[Charlie]

All this advice seems to be mainly aimed at girls you meet in a club though, or am I wrong? I personally hate the thought of looking for someone in a place like that, as most guys in there are only after one thing (at least that's how it felt to me, I've only been to a club a couple of times and hated it).

 

I think I'll stick to the online dating. X3

 

The girls I meet in clubs are all just through dancing and occaisionally asking for their number.

 

Most of this advice is for in pubs/bars where you can actually chat to people. It's very hard to approach someone in a club for a chat and it isn't the done thing. In a bar it's much more normal to do it.

 

 

And another piece of advice (makes me sound like I'm great at this sort of stuff); looks don't matter (unless you look like Haden) it's all about how you carry yourself, your ability to make conversation and appeal to the girl. Neil Strauss has proved this (YouTube him).

[Haden]

The girls I meet in clubs are all just through dancing and occaisionally asking for their number.

 

Most of this advice is for in pubs/bars where you can actually chat to people. It's very hard to approach someone in a club for a chat and it isn't the done thing. In a bar it's much more normal to do it.

 

 

And another piece of advice (makes me sound like I'm great at this sort of stuff); looks don't matter (unless you look like Haden) it's all about how you carry yourself, your ability to make conversation and appeal to the girl. Neil Strauss has proved this (YouTube him).

 

In which case looks are all that matter, I'm so good looking I don't need the rulebook baby!

[Jav_NE]

Meeting people online is great, and is probably the avenue i'd choose if i were single again. I mean, it would be weird actively using it for that purpose as in the past i just chatted to people as friends and it developed into more, but i cant see why it wouldnt work.

 

I'm awful in clubs, the only thing i used to try was dancing. Then if i got a glance and a smile from someone, i'd go over and dance with them and see what happened. Sometimes i got lucky, but only with more outgoing girls, most the time they are just as shy and get bored waiting for you to do something other then dance :p

 

I think now if i was out trying to meet someone though, i'd do it out with the smokers. A bit of smirting as the kids are calling it. Smokers are always nice to each other these days, so its the perfect place!

 

I'm all for building a foundation first though. Maybe meet someone at work as friends, then ask them out etc. Never dated a work colleague though. Might be weird at first, but hey. I dont have to worry about these things at the moment!

[Retro_Link]

Meeting people online is great, and is probably the avenue i'd choose if i were single again. I mean, it would be weird actively using it for that purpose as in the past i just chatted to people as friends and it developed into more, but i cant see why it wouldnt work.

Though you may live at completely different ends of the country, or infact different countries! You can make it work but it certainly wouldn't make things easy!

I think now if i was out trying to meet someone though, i'd do it out with the smokers. A bit of smirting as the kids are calling it. Smokers are always nice to each other these days, so its the perfect place!

*cough* but they smoke! *cough* Edited April 20, 2009 by Retro_Link

[Ganepark32]

I did the online dating thing a few years back when I was younger. The girl was living in Holland and we met randomly and would sit for hours and hours talking online. Met a few times when she was over here but I do agree in that it's not easy. We lasted a couple of months which isn't bad but it's just so difficult, at least I think so. I'd much rather speak to a person's face than to a computer screen and yes there are webcams but it's the whole thing about actually being there together physically that makes a relationship special. I wouldn't say I wouldn't do online dating again but it's just I'd prefer the physical meeting and being with someone instead of the computer screen and miles and miles of ethernet cable connection each other to the internet.

 

I'm also a hater of clubs. Really don't see the point in them. But then they're really not my scene what with the style of music and dancing. I can't dance for shit and won't dance if asked by someone unless I really like them and am willing to make an arse of myself to prove to them how much I like them. Pubs/wine bars are a bit better for meeting people because you can actually hear each other talk instead of having to shout to get above the music.

[Retro_Link]

I'm also a hater of clubs. Really don't see the point in them. But then they're really not my scene what with the style of music and dancing. I can't dance for shit and won't dance if asked by someone unless I really like them and am willing to make an arse of myself to prove to them how much I like them. Pubs/wine bars are a bit better for meeting people because you can actually hear each other talk instead of having to shout to get above the music.

Yeah I agree! I'm not a fan of clubbing on the whole, but will obviously put up with going for the sake of social nights out.

[Jav_NE]

Though you may live at completely different ends of the country, or infact different countries! You can make it work but it certainly wouldn't make things easy!

*cough* but they smoke! *cough*

 

Nah, you can select what area to chat to people from. Would be pretty stupid to start something with someone living miles away.

 

And the smoking is a good thing, means you already have one thing in common!

[Guest Captain Falcon]

And the smoking is a good thing, means you already have one thing in common!

 

Yeah, you both have a dodgy cough and a shorter life expectancy.

[S.C.G]

Yeah, you both have a dodgy cough and a shorter life expectancy.

 

Wait... that's TWO things in common, the pros are allready outweighing the cons! *rushes off to buy some cigarettes*

 

lol seriously though, I get that it's a 'starting point' or an 'ice breaker' or something if you and your potential interest both smoke but it's not really worth it Imo.

[Retro_Link]

Nah, you can select what area to chat to people from. Would be pretty stupid to start something with someone living miles away.

Are you talking about actual internet dating sites?

Because if you just get chatting to someone on here for example, you might find you really like 'em, but then they actually live quite a way away.