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Colo has lost my respect. "Personal Reasons" have never been expanded on, and the whole "tapping up" of the Argetine club has shown contempt for the way the game is governed. 1) Report the Argentine club to FIFA and demand compensation. 2) Do not release Colo from his contract and pursue him through the courts if necessary. 3) Buy another defender!

YES. It was either the Royal Variety Performance or Prince's Trust gig where he was talking about "getting piss on your hands" at about 7pm. Thoroughly inappropriate for the time, place and audience.

The WORLD was better off with just Revelations. RE6 was...just...oh... It was like someone had dug up your favourite deceased pet and was using them in a ventriloquist act. Horribly, horribly disrespectful but in some mesmerising way, you just couldn't tear yourself away from the bastardisation of the thing you loved so well. It was marginally better than 5, however.

One word, people: Maaaaaaayyydaaayyyyyyy.

Don't seem to have many characters like him these days - people who are extremely respected and capable within their art but who are opinionated lunatics. And I mean that it the most positive way possible. Too many "characters" these days are just offensive - they are rude and brash without really earning their eccentricities. People like Frankie Boyle and Russell Brand spring to mind. Anyway, a controversial figure, much like Patrick Moore, but one that I certainly respected. RIP.

Oh bollocks. I am back to my pre-Christmas sleep pattern of 12am -1:30am 2:30am - 3:30am and then no sleep until alarm at 6:00am. FUCKINGFUCKFUCKWANKITYFUCKFUCKBASTARDSFUCKFUCK.

"I'm made up, mate!" IN WHAT WAY, SHAPE OR FORM ARE YOU A FICTIONAL CHARACTER?

Upstairs man used to beat his wife. Then I went and had words with him. Problem solved.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride...

I had that once. They were all like "Hi, I'm Dom Esposito and this is Dom Ackland." "Doms, get out of my shoulders, yeah?" And they were "Nah bra, we like it here." True story.

It depends where you go. The Blind Massage places are completely free of that kind of thing. Most of the chains are as well. The general rule is that if they have a price list on the door, then they won't offer. If they have a sign saying "30 RMB!" (£3) then they will have a second revenue stream. That's not certain though, as I've been to some extremely well-kept places that have tried to sneak a hand down my man-pants. Also you have to look at the front desk: is it one person in a uniform with a name badge? If so, 80% sure it's legit. If the shop front is girls dressed in clothes inappropriate for standing around for a long time, chances are you're in for a few fingers up the bum when the whole massage is over. Seriously that happened once: a finger (not sure which one) was unceremoniously inserted and I was asked in a supposedly "sensual" voice if I wanted anything extra. Toilet paper was requested, but apparently that wasn't what she meant.

Physically? Attractive toes. Can't be doing with a lady who has the human equivalent of pigs trotters. Mentally? A girl who makes me think.

Get your ass to 中国 where massages cost as little as £5 for an hour. Have a blind lady does my head, and it's magic. £8 for an hour of the pain going away.

Has your lot even discovered fire yet?

Ah, now here we have someone I wanted to start a separate thread about, but here will do: "Be more ladylike!" Translation: Acquire a small set of semi-useless skills; be able to talk relatively coherently about the weather and food; wear dresses all e time even in winter; speak only when spoken to; find some rich twat to marry you and produce babies. Conclusion: Shut up. "Man up!/Be a man about it!" Translation: I am not smart or emotionally mature enough to accept that males have complex emotions, therefore I am forcing a stereotype on you in order to deal with something I don't understand. No, I don't mean grab a spear and go hunting; no, I don't mean have forced painful sex with females who get nothing from the experience; no, I don't mean go chop down a tree, just... Just... Just do what I expect you to do! Conclusion: Would you say it to a woman? Shut up then.

It means you're not getting the house in the divorce!

What THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT was that UTTER, inexcusable BULLSHIT that came out of that GAPING SHIT CREEK that is your mouth?* *Said by Yours Truly to someone who said that to Yours Truly a few weeks ago in the UK. Yours Truly had been having a pretty tough day. Yours Truly is unlikely to be invited back to that particular party next year.

"Touch base" is slang for "masturbate together in the break room, keeping eye contact the whole time". So you should feel free to run away screaming through plate glass windows when someone says "Let's touch base next week". "LOL" written or said. Both are equally annoying.

I'm a bit old-fashioned in that I like to have a physical copy. Lord knows why - I'm well aware that downloads are cheaper, more efficient and more convenient in many ways. But I still like the physical sensation of owning something.

Happy birthday! 'Pologies for the lateness...

I'm very sad about this because my oldest friend (I've known him for 29 years) just managed to reconnect after a five-year absence in December. He's a security guard at HMV and one of the genuinely nicest people you could meet. His girlfriend is a bit of a bitch, but she injured her back last year and has been drawing disability allowance because she can't go back to work for the local council. Essentially he's the sole breadwinner and they have a mortgage. On the other hand, I hate pe the fact that the place seemed overpriced even when there was almost no online competition.

Redundancy packages usually go with service... one year is the minimum and it's something like a weeks' pay for every year. You only really "hit the jackpot" when you've been working at a place for 20 years or more. That said, it varies from employer to employer.

Thanks for *ahem* remembering guys!

On your door... Oh, and has nobody noticed again this year? This is a big one...

I will smear poo on your door while you are sleeping.