Iun

Boobies! Honking great boobies!

I've got a voucher for a barbecue restaurant valued at £50, and we've booked a hotel room. Fun times.

What is going on here? What manner of foolish shenanigans are these?

Order received!

HappyBirthday! Sparkles!

...out of purely scientific curiosity, please tell me more, paying attention to all details, no matter how insignificantly arousing.

007: Who is she? M: Her name... Is Agnes Blackett. Until ten years ago she worked as a cleaner in one of Manchester's cheaper hotels. Then one day, she married Augustus Blenkinsop-Wirral, heir to the Blenkinsop-Wirral Treacle Mine Consortium. 007: How sweet. M: Do behave, 007. The old man was besotted with her - something about a thick ankle fetish. Anyway, Blenkinsop-Wirral was found dead about three years ago in an apparent suicide - he strangled himself to death with a pair of old tights. Of course, the police suspected the wife, but as the whole house had been scrubbed with industrial-strength bleach, no evidence was found. 007: A clean getaway. M:...she of course inherited everything and soon began buying up most of the smaller confectionary factories across the UK, allegedly with some aggressive buyout tactics. Nothing was proven of course, but MI5 had their suspicions, as did my predecessor. She's now pressing her money against two of the larger manufacturers, and one of them happens to be a friend of the Home Secretary. I don't need to tell you, Bond, that this woman may well be sweet on the outside, but certainly appears nutty in the centre. The last man we sent was found dead, covered in caramel. 007: A sticky situation to find oneself in.

Yeah... I'm going to have to subject that bullshit to some quality tests. I've got a nagging suspicion it contains 60% horseshit.

Troo dat. The worst situation would be the EPL becoming the SPL: a one horse race every year.

@debug_mode I know how you feel. The only non-Chinese friends I've had for a while have almost all left. The lead guitarist from my old band is moving to Australia in the Summer, and that will leave just me and the bassist (who I pretty much never see) out of a band of eight. Then my best friend lives in another city a few hours away, haven't seen him since 2010. We talk n the phone once a week though. My advice is to make friends with the locals. It'll shore you p in times of crisis.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week!

You use it on your face. During the shaving process.

I've not finished Black 2 or Harvest Moon yet. I suppose I should do.

I can't fly, not yet, anyway. Jesus dude... Is there anything we can do for you? I was devastated when it finished. Still so angry today. Angry with myself for letting those bastards go. Angry with the gawking assholes who watched me sprinting after someone shouting "Thief!" In Chinese.

Thanks, I need to practice my standing start sprinting.

Thanks, that's good to hear. *impotent rage*

I'm mostly angry because they got away. It makes me feel weak. And also the woman just standing there... Call the police, you stupid bitch.

Fuckity, balls, bastard fuck fuck fuck. I caught a pickpocket today. I was walking along the road when one guy suddenly passed an umbrella to a guy who was just walking past him...next thing I know, one of them has his hand in the pocket of a woman in front. I tackle the guy and force him onto the railing at the side of the road, yell at the woman who is looking like an absolute fucking idiot just standing there "call the police" she just keeps staring like she's seen my dick or something. Meanwhile, the guy's friend has gotten behind me and clubbed me round the back of the head. They both run, and I get up and run after them yelling - they run past ten people and NOT FUCKING ONE OF THEM TRIES TO STOP THE PICKPOCKETS. Not one. Everybody says "ooh, you should call the police!" But none of them are any more helpful than that. I get back to the scene and the woman has disappeared. Fucking gawking idiots all around, but not a one willing to do a thing. Next time, I'm just going to fucking stab the thief and have done with it. And to top it off, I didn't get the job I went for in a bigger school. What's the point of being such a decent fucking human being if you live on the breadline all your life? No sanctimonious shit, please.

Yes indeedy, mean ol' Ashley, King of All N-Europe (Except the bits ReZ has made...sticky) turns 26 today! Happy Birthday, Master!

Joined a football team... or rather, I'm captaining a 7's football team. Hopefully it will be fun. The practice match we had against the team last Sunday we lost 4-2, but in fairness, they were last year's Champions and they were...cheating. I got slammed to the ground by the opposing captain - 6'7" of 250lb Spaniard versus 5'7" 140lb Englishman. I suppose I'm lucky not to have picked up a concussion as my forehead hit his ribs and the back of my skull slammed onto the astroturf. There was no need for that level of agression in a warm-up match, but he clearly had no intention of stopping. Still, I won the ball in the tackle. Like I said, they won the game, but we weren't really beaten: my guys (we had all just met the first time about half an hour before) did really well. - never gave up chasing the ball, never shied from a tackle. Looking forward to playing with these guys some more.

No it didn't, and we still expect you to dye your hair! Jim made a promise! Don't make Jim into a liar, think of his reputation!

Dammit, Hannah, those are half my balls! They're not meant for that kind of rough treatment!

We haven't heard from the Birthday Girl herself! How did you spend your day @Eenuh?

It's my pleasure, if more people would only take the time to reply, there would be blue hai... The world would be a better place.

Fixed for you.