Iun

I already speak English, Chinese, French, German and Italian, so I'm good, to be honest. I'd like to brush up on my Japanese though, and Korean as well. We have a lot of Japanese and Korean students and I can only give them extremely basic responses to their questions. Oh yeah, and my Dutch reading is very rusty. If there's a Rosetta Stone program I can probably get it for pennies here, but I really doubt that there is one. EDIT: There is one, but I can't find it on Taobao. Sorry...

That's when I arrived. And then things got even worse.

June 14th... too long to wait. Never mind though, sure I can manage somehow. Interesting fact: I reviewed all versions of Animal Crossing - GC, DS, Wii, for the website. And my favourite was definitely Wild World.

I'd be worried about (a) men hanging around for a glimpse of minge and (b) Women hanging around inside the cubicles for hours. But this is irrelevant, seeing as I never poop in public places. Except that one time Oliver Cromwell's Grave. Bastard cancelled Christmas.

They're clearly lezzing it up.

Perhaps most famous for "The Good Life", actor Richard Briers has died age 79. I will remember him most for his voice work in Watership Down. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21498077

Terrible news, man. Cancer is an awful way to go.

If I could, I'd have you arrested, fisted with a prop shaped like Krystal, beaten, fisted again with the Krystal prop only sideways this time, beaten a LOT more, rolled in salt, smeared in lemon juice, hogtied and left in the middle of the M25 with a pair of old socks stuffed in your mouth and a sign round your neck saying "EXPAND HEATHROW NOW!".

"@Phube and @danny, sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G! First comes love, then come marriage, then come the Stamper Brothers with a glossily packaged pile of shit that has all the originality and verve of a lift-music version of the 'Ode to Joy' and turns the awesome Starfox Universe into a type of 'My First Zelda'. And a baby carriage. "

I'd like to believe. I want to believe. But then, I believed in Starfox Adventures. I believed that Timesplitters 4 would see the light of day. I believed The Conduit would be great. ...I've just run out of belief, guys...

Agreed. I had some fragrant Indian rice yesterday that was just wonderfully - delicately spiced and just bursting with a variety of flavours. I had a Sichuanese bullfrog dish once, and I was incapable of eating more than a spoonful of the sauce. Neither was anyone else. But they all thought it was HILARIOUS that we had wasted 200 RMB (£20) on a big bowl of shit that no-one could eat.

What is the goddamn point of making food painful? If people like eating painful food, I suggest they eat a hedgehog. Ass first.

Guys, the motive has been revealed: his girlfriend bought him something really cool for Valentines day and put it on top of the wardrobe. She then told him he could only reach it if he stood on tiptoe. The terrible part: they were leg-warmers.

Pfft. Gay. Extra sausage on that pizza...

Oh no, he'll have lost the spring in his step after this!

Boobies! Honking great boobies!

I've got a voucher for a barbecue restaurant valued at £50, and we've booked a hotel room. Fun times.

What is going on here? What manner of foolish shenanigans are these?

Order received!

HappyBirthday! Sparkles!

...out of purely scientific curiosity, please tell me more, paying attention to all details, no matter how insignificantly arousing.

007: Who is she? M: Her name... Is Agnes Blackett. Until ten years ago she worked as a cleaner in one of Manchester's cheaper hotels. Then one day, she married Augustus Blenkinsop-Wirral, heir to the Blenkinsop-Wirral Treacle Mine Consortium. 007: How sweet. M: Do behave, 007. The old man was besotted with her - something about a thick ankle fetish. Anyway, Blenkinsop-Wirral was found dead about three years ago in an apparent suicide - he strangled himself to death with a pair of old tights. Of course, the police suspected the wife, but as the whole house had been scrubbed with industrial-strength bleach, no evidence was found. 007: A clean getaway. M:...she of course inherited everything and soon began buying up most of the smaller confectionary factories across the UK, allegedly with some aggressive buyout tactics. Nothing was proven of course, but MI5 had their suspicions, as did my predecessor. She's now pressing her money against two of the larger manufacturers, and one of them happens to be a friend of the Home Secretary. I don't need to tell you, Bond, that this woman may well be sweet on the outside, but certainly appears nutty in the centre. The last man we sent was found dead, covered in caramel. 007: A sticky situation to find oneself in.

Yeah... I'm going to have to subject that bullshit to some quality tests. I've got a nagging suspicion it contains 60% horseshit.

Troo dat. The worst situation would be the EPL becoming the SPL: a one horse race every year.

@debug_mode I know how you feel. The only non-Chinese friends I've had for a while have almost all left. The lead guitarist from my old band is moving to Australia in the Summer, and that will leave just me and the bassist (who I pretty much never see) out of a band of eight. Then my best friend lives in another city a few hours away, haven't seen him since 2010. We talk n the phone once a week though. My advice is to make friends with the locals. It'll shore you p in times of crisis.