Your Favourite Jokes

[MoogleViper]

Well I haven't heard a good joke in ages so i thought this might be a good way to hear some of your favourites.

 

Here's mine:

 

An english man, irish man and a scotsman are trying to get in the marines. The commanding officer says "Right I'm going to give each of you a gun, I want you to go in that room and shoot the first person you see." So the english man goes in. A minute later he comes out shaking his head saying, "It was my wife, I couldnt do it." The scotsman goes in. A minute later he comes out shaking his head saying, "It was my wife i couldn't do it I just couldn't shoot her." Then the irish man goes in. A few minutes later he comes out and says "It was full of blanks I had to strangle her to death."

[Roostophe]

What have you got when you have a Birmingham City fan up to his neck in sand?

 

Not enough sand.

 

That's my favourite, not my all-time, tho.

[Platty]

Ah as we are on the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman jokes i got a really crap one that i remember:

 

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all about to be shot by a firing squad. The Englishman is first and shouts out Hurricane!! so the shooters run inside and the Englishman escapes. The Scotsman is next and he shouts out Flood!!! so the shooters run inside and the Scotsman escapes... The Irishman is the last one to come out and shouts out FIRE!!! so they shoot him.... :/

 

Got another but i cant remember it exactly....but ill give it a go:

 

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all running away from the police, they find some big sacks and bins to hide in so they all get in one...the police come along and kick the first sack which has the Englishman inside and he shouts out woof woof....the police say it's ok it's only a dog.... they kick the next bag that has the scotsman inside and he shouts out meeeoowww, the police say it's ok it's only a cat.... they kick the last sack which has the Irishman inside and he shouts out POTATOES!!

 

No offense meant to any of you Irish on here.

[MoogleViper]

An english man, an irish man and a sctotsman are working on top of a scryscraper. It's lunchtime and they are all sat down eating lunch. The english man says, "If I get tuna one more time i'll chuck myself off of this building." The scotsman says, "If I get ham one more time i'll chuck myself off of this building." The Irish man says, "If I get egg one more time i'll chuck myself off of this building." The next day they all sit down to lunch. The english man has tuna so he throws himself off of the building, the scotsman has ham so he throws himself off of the building, the irish man has egg so he throws himslef off the building. A whille later the police are talking to the men's widows. The english widow says "If he'd have told me he didn't like tuna I would have made him something else." The scottish widow says, "If he'd have told me he didn't like ham I would have made him something else." The irish widow says, "I don't know why he threw himself off of the building he packs his own lunch."

[demonmike04]

... I better not say mine.

 

Instead I'l leave you with this one:

 

One day, late at night, a father is walking to his bedroom, when he notices he's son talking in his bedroom.

He listens carefully, to hear his son praying. "God bless, Mama, Papa and Grandma". He thinks to himself 'Aww how sweet, but he missed out his Grand father', thinks nothing of it and goes to bed.

The next day, the family wake up to find out the Grandfather had a heart attack during the night at his home.

That night after sorting every thing out, the father goes to bed again, and hears his son praying yet again. Listening carefully, the child prays "God bless Mama and Papa". This time the father is curious as to why his son has missed out another name, but goes to bed.

The next day, the family find out the Grandmother had fallen down the stairs and died. The father is absolutely certain his son is behind something.

So at the end of the day, he listens carefully to his son. "God bless mama" is all that is said and the father starts to panic. He stays up all night in the living room sweating until morning comes were he decides to visit the doctor.

The doctor gives him the all clear of anything unhealthy and he walks home with relief, but notices his wife sitting on the door step.

He asks her what the matter is and she replies "The milkman died at the front of the lawn, we've just the body taken away".

 

Love it

[MoogleViper]

1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.

 

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.

 

3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.

 

4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.

 

5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles

 

6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles

 

7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles

 

8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

 

9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

 

10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

 

11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

 

12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

 

13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

 

14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

 

15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

 

16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

 

17.Arrive at the centre of town.

 

please scroll down

 

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Now that's the fucking way to Amarillo!

[Mundi]

Q:How do you get an emo out of a tree?

A: You cut the rope around his neck

 

An American, Indian and an Icelandic are stuck on greenlaand with no way to get away from there and a an eskimo walks to them and says i´ll let you use my boat to get home if you can complete 3 things for me: Drink a bottle of vodka in one gulp, wrestle an icebear to death and have sex with a female eskimo.

The american goes barely drinks the vodka but dies trying to wrestle the bear, the indian drinks the vodka and dies trying to wrestle the ice bear,

the icelandic guy goes gulps the vodka and disapears for 30 minutes and comes back drunk out of his mind shouting: Where´s that fucking eskimo whore i´m supposed to wrestle!

[Roostophe]

My girlfriend was in a bad mood yesterday. I asked her what was wrong and she said "You don't take me seriously because I'm diabetic!" I replied "What makes you say that, sugar."

[MoogleViper]

Three blonde women were stranded on a desert island. Whilst walking around they come across a magic lamp. One blonde rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out. He said, "I will give you each a wish." The first blonde said, "I would like to be twice as smart." So the genie clicked his fingers and the blonde transformed into a brunette and she swam to safety. The second blonde said, "I would like to be twice as smart as her." SO the genie click his fingers and the blonde turned into a red head. The woman then built a raft and sailed to safety. The third blonde said, "I would like to be smarter than both of them put together." So the genie clicked his fingers, the blonde turned into a man and he walked across the bridge.

[Roostophe]

I always thought that my dad never really liked me that much. One time, he took me fishing, and I remember swimming back to shore thinking "Dad doesn't really like me that much."

 

There was another time, when my dad took me to the park to play football, and I remember swimming back to shore thinking "My dad doesn't really like me that much."

 

A few years ago, my dad took me to the cinema, and I remember swimming back to the shore thinking "dad doesn't really like me that much."

[EchoDesiato]

An offensive one (stolen from Family Guy):

 

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?

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Because she's a woman.

[MoogleViper]

One I just found on the internet.

 

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

 

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

 

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

 

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"

 

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

 

The room was silent for a moment.

 

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...

 

Chunks is my dog."

[Solo]

Why can't they eat soup in the matrix...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... cos there is no spoon.

 

 

har har

[Eddage]

One I just found on the internet.

 

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

 

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

 

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

 

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"

 

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

 

The room was silent for a moment.

 

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...

 

Chunks is my dog."

 

Best so far, funking fabtastic!

[Konfucius]

I know quite a few good jokes but they drift in and out of my concious regularly.

 

Anyways two Star Trek jokes.

 

What does Captain Picard say on the electric chair?

 

Energize

 

 

What does the blonde Klingon say?

 

 

Today is a good day to dye.

[Athriller]

How do you know when your sister's on her period?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can taste the blood off of your dad's cock.

[demonmike04]

Lmfao! That ones so wrong its funny! Definitly beat the controversial joke they had in the Meaningless post thread a while ago..

 

'Why are there so many peadophiles in the UK?

 

Because of all the sexy children!'

[Mr. Bananagrabber]

I got a warning for making an AIDS and paedo jokes in the last joke thread.

[MoogleViper]

What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?

 

 

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[dabookerman]

What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?

 

 

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

No you cant

 

we do not negotiate with terrorists.

[MoogleViper]

No you cant

 

we do not negotiate with terrorists.

 

 

We just machine gun them all.

[Kaeporagaebora]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

 

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America".

 

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

 

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but nobody from Iran. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

 

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[Mr. Bananagrabber]

Okay. Since there's been 3 Star Trek jokes already, I thought i'd try and think of one myself.

 

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Right ear, left ear and the final front ear.

[Kaeporagaebora]

Ah, the internet.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

 

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

 

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Charlie]

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''

 

So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''

So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.

 

After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''