The Bard

Unsurprising that most of the entries have to do with misdemeanours involving the opposite sex. I'm constantly embarrassed by almost everything I do/ have done but there are a special few that stand out. The one that comes back to haunt my sleep is during the first month of university when I was watching Aladdin drunk with an outrageously pretty Moroccan girl. We were in bed - this was before Netflix and chill but we both knew what was up. Being a fantastic maker of decisions and a generally standup guy, I decided to take Midazolam as a social lubricant on top of the £2.99 bottles of Bonsella wine we'd been chugging all night. I got super sedated and hungry, very romantically went to make some Bachelor's (v. appropriate) soup - the chunky kind with the croutons, brought up the soup to my room, promptly spilled said scalding soup on my bed and this girl's leggings. Obviously I didn't get laid that night. Or for a while after that. Now she's a doctor and I'm sitting in my bedroom at 4:30am debating whether to re-read God Emperor of Dune. We both know who the winner is. Will supply more on request, I'll just have to pilfer any given entry in my diary. Yeah I don't think I'd be embarrassed by that. I mean if she was attractive, and wasn't all fangs then why worry about a little meat where the gams doth meet?

Is anyone watching Preacher? It's gooooooooood.

At Lothric castle again on my NG+, basically just optimising my PvP build. I don't understand why the game is making me hunt down all the bullshit umbral ash stuff again. Being able to buy unlimited Titanite chunks at the beginning of the game isn't exactly going to break it when I've already got five fully upgraded weapons in my arsenal.

Yussss. When you see someone else playing it, at first you might compare it to any old RPG, maybe even games like God of War where most of what you do, you do on instinct. But with Bloodborne, you need to make conscious decisions about how to approach every mob and boss, and constantly be appraising the situation. It eventually does become more instinctual, but the game really demands a good bit of learning.

Jesus, patch 1.06 completely ruined the look and feel of the game. I'm having aggro'd enemies pop in ten feet from my fucking face, and framerate dipping to 40 in Smouldering Lake, Irithyll and Lothric Castle. From Software y u break? WAI. In other news, I fucking ruined the giant Shai Hulud down in the Lake. Took like ten hits off my +10 Lightning Onikiri and Ubadachi. Edit: Also, hot tip you guys. When you get to Archdragon Peak, you will find a huge bell (not the first bell you see btw). If you ring the bell, your shit will get thoroughly ruined. Do not ring this bell. Don't do it.

@Daft Get yourself to Untended Graves and beat Champion Gundyr, use his soul to make Prisoner's Chain which gives you a massive buff to Vig. Vit. End. The one caveat is that it increases damage taken by 10%, which is an effect you can completely offset by equipping Ring of Steel Protection which ups defense by 10%. Add Havel's ring to that and you should be able to equip some some fucking swole ass hench armour sets while still being able to roll dodge at regular speed. Ps. Havel's ring is transposed from soul of Stray Demon up in Farron Keep.

Dancer of the Boreal Valley is just the dopest Boss design/ animation set I've ever seen. The move where she ignites her finger and strikes the floor is too cool. Currently halfway through both Grand Archives and Archdragon Peak. Peak's a pretty nifty place to farm souls because there's this sorcerer that keeps respawning knights that give 4000 souls and take about three hits to kill.

Yeah I did it, and was fucking stunned when I got up the spiral stairwell. And then cried. The archers seem more doable this time around, for one their shots don't converge on you, and there are hiding spots in place to protect you from each one of them. Tell me you found the hidden wall with the two fuck off lizards ready to ruin your shit down the massive ladder? Trapped between two bosses at the moment. Might farm some souls to up my dex, out of materials to upgrade the Katana past +7

Dis game purdy

It's one of the best games I've played over the last couple of years, no hyperbole. Short, sweet and challenging.

So I was listening to a Paradise Lost audiobook while playing as par course, and wasn't really paying particularly close attention because both the game and PL can be fairly demanding. Ran into the stray demon in Farron's Keep though, and this plays right as I kill the lil bitch - Him the Almighty Power Hurled headlong flaming from the ethereal sky, With hideous ruin and combustion down To bottomless perdition, there to dwell In adamantine chains and penal fire, Who durst defy the Omnipotent to arms. Explosive orgasm. Favourite gaming moment ever.

Think it depends on the weapon and your stat allocation. I'm not far behind you guys at the moment, and pretty much my most reliable weapon is still the Estoc I started out with.

Turns into one of the great Witcher quests later on, but man that shit bastard frog. And then the fucking airbender cunt blowing sand up everyone's crack on the beach. After that everything was smooth sailing. Any word on what Blood and Wine is actually going to consist of? New map? Size? etc...

I went with the Assassin (Dex/ Int build) and I just got the Uchigatana. Pretty much steamrolling through the Cathedral at the moment, and shit is getting soulsy as fuck. Still haven't come across anything as immediately impenetrable as Sen's Fortress, but I'm really liking that you never really feel bottlenecked. Also the game seems freakishly liberal with Bonfires, most of which don't seem to be reused for shortcuts. @dwarf gourami I think we're swapping playstyles from the first game - I mained the Zweihander last time. Absolutely brutal weapon, but the long windup and absolute catastrophe that can ensue when you miss got a little tedious. Turned the soul from the Crystal Sage into a rapier which scales amazingly with Int. and pretty well with Dex. Going to give it a shot later on when my stats are up. Guys. This game is well good.

Has anyone started Hearts of Stone yet? The fucking frog drove me goddamn crazy. Way to start your DLC with a wet fart.

If you don't feel like you earned a rap about kamikaze stabbing fools in the dick, you got self esteem issues, kid.

Ah fair enough. My last GPU was a 7870, really good series of cards. I grab the Estoc, put it to your codpiece Shield on my back, two handed technique Straight at your bones, homes, I wanna see cabbage Dwarf G the savage, doing your gonads much damage. Praise the sun, Solaire and the ring of Havel My life is played out like a Jheri curl, I'm ready to die.

Anyone else find the open beta supremely unsatisfying? The player toolset, mobility etc is often amazing, but for some reason I can't articulate, actually killing your opponents doesn't feel gud.

The original pretty well sits alongside the best multiplayer shooters ever made. I re-installed it a few days ago, but it's tragically empty - the only mode anyone's playing is attrition which is a complete disservice to what's actually fun in the game ie. the mobility. Couldn't find a single match on Hardpoint or CTF, even after EA put the game on access and made all the map packs free. People have no idea what they're missing. Anyway, really excited for the sequel, here's hoping it actually has a player base. Can't wait to see what they do when they're not constrained by XB360 architecture.

What card you running now? I've heard the game's got crash issues with 7 series Nvidia, but if you've got a mid range card from the last 2-3 years you should be pretty much good to run it (spoilers: it's not a huge looker).

Any of you goons playing this on PC? Wouldn't mind having someone reliable to summon when I inevitably get stuck on some twatflap boss.

Of course, but it's pretty much because every other game seems so intent on leading all horses to water and leaving nobody behind, that when you start you expect it here as well. It's a really old school mentality, except it never feels cheap because it wasn't created like an arcade game to create bottlenecks where you'd die and be forced to put more coins in. I kind of think of the Souls games as pretty much the same thing as learning a song by ear - you figure out all the notes that comprise a string of bars, learn out how to play them in sequence and when you're done you move on to the next set. Eventually you get good enough at your instrument that you can sight read. I donno, maybe that's dumb, but I get the same sort of satisfaction from both.

@Hero\-of\-Time Literally stunned that you managed that first area so easily. That was a huge learning experience for me because I died there maybe a good thirty times, either at or on the way to the boss. But you learn the systems, become a little more cautious and observant and get the hang of what the game expects from you. Found the rest of the game to be a great balance between challenge and gratification. Let us know how you get on with Gascoigne and Amelia.

Er it's a little bit good. Also a lottle bit good.

Yup yup, thank fuck. Still remember that time we spent a good forty five minutes trying to coop to no avail. 173. I feel like I should be able to do this boss, but it's been over a year since the game came out and I don't have the same ninja skills I used to. Oh my god, just teamed up with some absolute fucking champion and took Ludwig down on the first try. That is absolutely not a boss that can be done easily single player at all. You need to take turns aggroing him, at least in his first form because his attacks are fucking devastating. Still up for some coop doe if anyone's game.