Posted June 4, 2009 Jack Bauer jokes > Chuck Norris jokes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Funny jokes > Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris jokes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Doesn't matter. Your name is fucking the layout of the forum. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Your name is fucking the layout of the forum. CLEVER BOY...want a cookie? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Your name is fucking the layout of the forum. Sorry about that, I'll just change it back. OH WAIT. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 I'm yet to see a Jack Bauer joke, could you provide some? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris' penguin checks under his bed for Jack Bauer's penguin before he goes to sleep. From Tellyn. I would lol purely out of respect for the effort he put into typing it out, but it would go against my sense and sensibility. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 I'm yet to see a Jack Bauer joke, could you provide some? Most of them are just Chuck Norris jokes with Jack Bauer replacing Chuck Norris. On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents. Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon. Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives. When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer. When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them. Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off. Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload. When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time." Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them." If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun. Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through. Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer. Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television. Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics. Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you. Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun. The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself. Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation." Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here." Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it. Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead." Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Kiefer Sutherland drinks to forget all the terrible things Jack Bauer has done. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 My favourite two are; Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 I absolutely love Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer jokes! In my classics class, we call them Aeneas jokes, though. :p Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Aimed at Danny. Everyone just gets a normal facepalm. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Can't help but admire some of those. Genius! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Aimed at Danny. Everyone just gets a normal facepalm. My very own facepalm. I feel honoured, I really do. :p Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. I'm sure. In other news, thanks for my name back. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 Years of respect... torn away... in a single post. :p Haha, there was something wrong with that post from Grunch. It's like seeing your Uncle doing stand-up or karaoke. Your Uncle who you talk to briefly at weddings and Christmas, making sure that they're not left out of this social occasion. And who wears knitted sleeve-less jumpers. Haha, I think that's an excellent summary of why I should consume rather than create comedy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 I'm sure. In other news, thanks for my name back. What's with the hate? So unlike. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 I love the Bauer jokes. These are three that I literally cried at: Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus. You can't argue with that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 I love the Bauer jokes. These are three that I literally cried at:Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus. You can't argue with that. For some reason I just knew you'd love that one. =P And I have to admit, even I find some of these Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer ones funny, haha. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 For some reason I just knew you'd love that one. =P And I have to admit, even I find some of these Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer ones funny, haha. You Know Me Too Wellllllll. The Bauer specific ones are great. If it's just Bauer's name pasted over Norris' then its a bit rubbish. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 That facepalm is priceless My favourites: Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 (edited) So we going to get forum back to normal or bathe in a two day old crap joke? To save someone the hassle of a 'no u', I am indeed a two day old crap joke. Edited June 4, 2009 by Ramar Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2009 We all know that lemguins win this one anyway. ReZ, side with me on this or else. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
