Iun

BLASPHEMY! How DARE you piss on the good name of SexyMacBook by suggesting ADDITIONAL PERIPHERALS! I already tried and literally nothing works.

Yesterday, I was witness to the final moments of my sexy, sexy Macbook. Bought in the USA during an abortive attempt to get an American girl to sleep with me one Thanksgiving Holiday, SexyMacBook joined me travelling back to the UK with my enormously swollen balls. SexyMacbook quickly came to replace DinosaurPC as the go-to computing device of choice: SexyMacbook came with me frequently on a Saturday afternoon to Deal's ONLY Hipster Cafe, "The Balcony" where I could mooch free WiFi and pretend to be a writer in front of a beautiful open fire while the gay manager of the cafe made puppy eyes at me. Then, when I decided to become a full-time masochist and move to China, SexyMacbook joined me as well. In the first few tortuous weeks without a DVD player but a DVD shop RIGHT ON MY DOORSTEP selling pirated DVDs for about ONE BLOODY POUND EACH, SexyMacbook was there to act as an interim DVD player. Soon I discovered digital downloading, and although I didn't use SexyMacBook to do the overnight downloads, I'd always transfer the files from and InferiorPC to SexyMacBook to watch. I saw the Season Two Finale of the Sarah Connor Chronicles with SexyMacbook, it was a moment when we both cried a little, realising that such an important and amazing part of our lives was now over. Slowly, I noticed that SexyMacBook was getting a little long in the tooth, but I could never have replaced her. She helped me rip the two Iron Man movies, all the Transformers films and my favourite .Hack// anime to my first iPod Nano, then my iTouch and finally my iPad 2. Yes, truly we had good times. But we weren't done yet: for SexyMacbook also helped me pass the first two years of my MA studies with Merit. Hours were spent laborious copying hand-written notes onto her in my pirated copy of Office for Mac, every successful essay, presentation and mark sheet was downloaded onto her harddrive to be analyzed and over-analyzed. She helped me do so much. And now, at the grand old age of 6, her single-button trackpad gave out. Hurriedly, I rushed to the local Reseller "Please," I begged them, "Pleaase... fix her.... make her whole again."But there was no hope: her model had been retired, the parts were no longer available. With a heavy heart, I laid her to rest. She was the greatest, the most beautiful, the most helpful and fun, the most loving, she asked so little and gave so much... she was... My SexyMacBook. SexyMacBook. "AGE QUOD AGIS" NOVEMBER 2006 - 2012 You Shall Not Be Replaced - Because I Damn Well Can't Afford A MacBook Pro At These Prices.

Oh, you boys!

.... this isn't another dream again, is it?

Why? Because your brother was shoplifting in Sainsbury's?

Lemme get those grumblecakes Over the river and through the woods, we gotta get that serum through y'all. Over the river and through the woods we gotta get that serum through y'all. Over the river and through the woods we gotta get that serum through!

Do they still have that Pumpkin Bookshop at the bus station?

It just seems redundant, especially with the touch screen.

One thing that does need to change is the sheer volume of redundant actions and text - in battles for instance, "Blargeymon used FookUpUrShit.... Blargeymon's special attack rose! Blargeymon's special defense rose! Blargeymon's speed rose! Blargeymon's evasiveness rose!" Waste of time. Why not "Blargeymon's special attack, special defense, speed and evasiveness rose!" ? Hmm? And those PC boxes... why do depositing, moving and withdrawing pokemon have to be separate actions that require you to exit box operations? Again, complete waste of time.

You have an ENORMOUS amount of time to spare, have you considered getting some kind of life?

You should push forward a bill that bans the University from recruiting Chinese students from government-connected families: The wife of a mayor in China premeditated and arrived out the poisoning of an English business associate while her son was studying in Oxford. Also: Xinjiang, Tibet and pollution. In fact you could also ban American students who are pro-Iraq war.... ...blah blah blah. There's a reason to ban everyone and anything, but the fact is it's not pragmatic.

The Matt Varnish?! And he's bringing you coats?! Holy crap, dude's a legend. I've drawn up a budget for the 20 or so people in my family who I buy for, currently running to a balance of about £340. Horrible. I will get Just Dance 4 for my littlest sister, probably some kind of panda for my 10 month-old niece, the rest of the Game of Thrones series for my dad (he's halfway through the first one after beginning it in July) so that should set him up for the next few years. Not sure about my Wicked Stepmother. Actually, I'm thinking about buying a truck load of wax on the Internet, some essential oils and making candles for a lot of the ladies. Might save money.

Cover me in butter and it will be.

And your response "I could have been sleeping with that hot new bird at the office, or doing lines of cocaine with Moogleviper, or attending an orgy with Iun but instead I came back home and watched TV quietly. So yeah, if the worst thing I did today was not doing a wash... Then you got it lucky."

Reminds me of my first PC: 1: Saved up 1000GBP and bought the highest-spec PC I could from Dixons (When it was still Dixons) and also paid another 200 GBP for the extended warranty. 2: The first day I got it, the whole thing completely cocked up after an hour and would only work if I rebooted the system from the original system CDs. 3: Went to University, within a week, the floppy drive (before USB, I know...) which I used to back up all my lecture notes started to corrupt files on the floppy disk and on the hard drive. 4: By the end of the year, it had started to completely collapse at random - sudden, unprovoked BSOD or shuit down. This computer had NEVER been on the internet, by the way. 5: Got back for the summer. Spent about 50 GBP in phone calls to tech support before they sent out an engineer, who took out a "faulty" RAM stick. 6: Week later, precisely the same problem. Another 20 quid on phone calls, another visit from the engineer. Removes the second "faulty" RAM stick which he installed. 7: The fan subsequently dies, frying the CPU. I got another call-out and another CPU and fan. 8: Same shit, again. 9: This time I go back to the store where I bought it and say "Hey, what about your "no lemons" policy? Two problems within a year and I get a replacement?" to which the response was: it has to be exactly the same problem with exactly the same un-replaced component. Which obviously is impossible as they ALWAY replace defective parts immediately. 10: Eventually, the store manager comes around and gives me a replacement. 11: That breaks down after about 15 months. I call to get it fixed... but the warranty I bought only covered the original machine. To get the new one fixed, it would cost 50 squids for the call-out plus costs of parts. 12: First suicide attempt.

This. When I meet someone new: Me: "Hi, Iun Hockley, generally handsome guy and sexual magnet." Them: "Hi, I'm Will." Me: "You poor, poor bastard..." Them: "Excuse me?" Me: "You're forever getting shot at." Them: "What?" Me: "You know...'FIRE AT WILL!'" Them: "Oh... no, I never see that as being about me." Me: "That's what the last Will I met said... then they shot him... it'll be your turn soon."

We should, and stop calling me Shirley.

After four years of marriage, all I can say to you is TREASURE THIS TIME! Walk around in a dressing gown scratching your balls! Sit on the sofa watching TV idly fondling your balls! Stand around naked in the bathroom pretending your balls are an elephant and make trumpeting sounds with your schlong! Have breakfast in just a pair of undies and fiddle with your balls while you read the newspaper! It's not that you can't do these wonderful ball-related activities when you're married, but when you have someone else living with you, you will get HASSLED and SHOUTED AT for your continuing LOVE AFFAIR with your NUTS. "You TOUCHED your BALLS AGAIN! You must have a DISEASE! Go to the HOSPITAL!" "Leave your BALLS ALONE! There must be something WRONG WITH YOU because you KEEP TOUCHING your BALLS!" And so on. Enjoy your testicles why they still belong to you. :/

Where did you get an Evee from?

You finished the 4th gym at level 30? I'm on number 6 and most of my Pokemon are level 28... Am I doing something wrong?

Sorry to hear about that, stick by the phone, your friend is going to need you.

Moved back in, "reasonable' has yet to be achieved. Socially? Iplan on hiding under a pile of coats and flinging frozen peas at people in absolute silence. Same place I'm going to bury yours *eyes narrowed*

THIS POST IS NOT IN ENGLISH.

What do you mean "Thanks everyone"? NOBODY ELSE NOTICED EXCEPT FOR ME.