Ashley Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I spent just under a week back home and I noticed myself suffering from . I don't mean to but I always end up quiet(er) when I'm with my family and just generally being more mardy. I think it's become a vicious circle as I believe they treat me like I was when I left home (18) so I end up acting more like that. I notice myself doing it but seem unable to stop it. Does anyone else get like this around family? Particularly people who have moved away from family and don't see them as often? I imagine it would be less evident if you remained close to your family, but it's not like I've studied this to know.
Goafer Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Not sure if it's quite the same, but I sometimes go round to my parents on the way home from work to pick up mail etc and mum almost always cooks something for me. Part of me wants to be an independent adult who cooks for himself, but the other part wants free food.
Will Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I definitely noticed this in the past. Say from the time I went to uni to when I left London and would visit every couple of months or so. For me it went in a few stages around family, initially it would get squished back in to former family roles, usually involving a few big arguments with my Dad. Then I grew up a bit, realized I did't need to compete and kind of let it happen, so avoided fights. Now it's not such a big deal, the couple of times I'm home a year there isn't much of a return to the old time. Parents lives have changed, my life has changed and so there isn't anything to force to fit anymore. The big change there was probably my Dad retiring, me moving overseas and my parents moving house. None of the old roles exist anymore. I think this is something that happens when you go home to a place that is exactly how you left it, your old spot remains and you're expected to fill it - it's just you don't quite fit anymore and causes you feel out of place.
Ashley Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 See I'm not going back to my family home as that's long been sold (and the room was given to my brother's ne'er-do-well friend not long after I left) so it's not quite that. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because my family role has always been one of support/sounding board so I just don't feel relaxed. I'm always anticipating some drama kicking off.
bob Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 My parents (well, mostly Mum) are always pleading for me to visit them at home, but i don't often get around to it (they live 4 hours away). When i do however, they don't do anything! They just carry on with their own lives and pretty much ignore me. I think it's like Ashley said, they want it to go back to when i was a teenager and they would weed the garden/ potter around the house, and i'd watch TV etc, then meet in the evening to eat dinner/ watch TV. That's what they remember, and that's what they expect. I don't want to drive for 4 hours to go and do that though, its annoying. I don't find myself acting like a child though...if that's what the thread was about?
Ashley Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 Oh yeah whenever I go back my mother always ends up saying "sorry this is boring". Feel like saying "well let's do something other than sit around watching daytime TV then!" Maybe next time I'll offer to take them out to do something. Suppose that would be the nice thing to do.
MoogleViper Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I studied one module of psychology at uni (it was actually organisational psychology but it still counts) so I'm fully qualified to diagnose what you're feeling. From your first post I'm guessing you've already realised this, but this is something that you're imposing on yourself. You say "I believe they treat me like I was when I left home" not "they treat me like I was when I left home" so you're most likely just projecting your expectations onto them, and using that to cause yourself to suffer from revertigo[sic]. You need to make a conscious effect to do something that you wouldn't have done when you were 18, and behave in a way that you wouldn't have done when you were 18. You need to show them that you've changed, so you can realise that they know you're a different person to 10(?) years ago.
Iun Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I see my family once a year (if I'm lucky) and the only thing that seems to stay the same is that I always end up sitting in the back of the car when we go anywhere. I'll usually cook 2-3 meals when I'm there to take the pressure off my stepmother, and I'll generally help out around the house. I think the urge is to prove to them that I'm a strong, independent grown-up. Even though I'm not.
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