Simon's Dad

[Ashley]

I am bearing in mind you said improvements will come, but some feedback on the above:

 

- The background is still the same, suggesting that Simon hasn't done anything for presumably at least a day, if not more. If the whole series features the same background, I'd be inclined to assume Simon was dead.

- The plot felt a bit laboured. No matter how overly close/protective a parent may be, I doubt anyone would call to say their mother has a headache.

- Similarly, "just calling to remind you that I'm going to France" after finding a bag of coke is also too on the nose.

 

Looking forward to seeing the rest though.

[Happenstance]

It also felt like you maybe should have skipped the middle call with Simon's Dad telling him that he'd found the drugs. I get that it was part of the joke but his Dad calling at every stage of giving his wife paracetamol seemed weird.

[bluey]

I'ma just pop my head in here again to say that every time i read the thread title a little voice in my head starts singing it to the tune of this..

 

[Ashley]

And I think of this:

 

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

This second one didn't work as well, I found. It made less sense for the dad to have made those calls; I would have had him call Simon after he'd already given her the drugs, enquiring about their exact nature, and the calls would then progress with the mum's condition worsening, eventually ending up with her in a coma - and of course still with the dad entirely oblivious to the problem and his son's not-so-innocent character. Also, the dad going on a trip with the mum in a coma made him seem less oblivious and more like a dick.

[Ashley]

I was thinking about this last night (lord knows why) and to further elaborate on my points/try and help here's an episode idea (not necessarily to use, but more "this is an example of what I mean").

 

- "Simon hey it's your dad here. Just wanted to remind you that we're having a surprise party for your mother's 50th birthday tonight at The Anchor at 7:30. If you can get there to help set up at 6:30 that'd be smashing. Okay thanks. It's your dad by the way. Bye"

- "Hi Simon, it's your dad here. Your mother is upset that she hasn't seen you today. Obviously she'll see you later, but if you could give her a ring that would be nice. Thanks. Bye. It's your dad by the way. Bye."

- (whispering) "Oh hi Simon, it's your dad. We're just leaving now and she has no idea. This is going to be great! Just wanted to let everyone know that we'll be about 10 minutes so make sure everyone is hiding. Ok bye. Oh it's your dad, bye."

- (slightly inebriated) "Hi Simon, its your daddy. I hope everything is okay and your not in a sticky situation as we thought you'd be here by now. Your mother is--hope to see you later but make sure you speak to her. You know what she's like, she'll start crying. Okay thanks. It's your dad...bye."

- (text message from 'Brother') "You selfish dick you ruined mum's party"

 

Now the story may not be one you want, but its just an example to move onto the next point; why these things exist:

 

1st - Introduce the story, sets the wheels in motion.

2nd - Increases tension - Simon's mother is upset and if he isn't there it will make things worse. Still in-keeping with his father's blind faith in Simon ("obviously she'll see you later")

3rd - Digging the knife in. Realistically it could be cut for the story, but kind of drives home the point that his father believes he'll be there, even though he's not heard from him all day

4th - Slightly inebriated to allow for some disappointment ("your mother is--") but still has some good faith in his son, assuming he might actually have a good reason.

5th - Text to show not everyone thinks Simon is great.

 

As I said, in terms of story it may not be what you want (you could go broader, and Simon was supposed to plan the whole thing but didn't so they turn up to an empty pub) but I tried to think through one. I think the problem with the second episode is some of the calls feel excessive. What I've tried to do above (and it may not work, I'm not saying that it's perfect) is to only have him call when it would be necessary (early morning reminder, gentle midday reminder, the "we're coming!" call that always happens with a surprise party, a drunken "telling off" and a text to show what others think of Simon).

 

 

Anyway, should go back to work...

[ReZourceman]

Nah, keep coming up with ideas! :p

 

Cheers Ashley, that is awesome. I will actually run with that idea. The other ideas are more akin to that overall feel anyway, but yeah, I really like that idea and what you mean.

[Ashley]

That's all your getting from me *shakes fist*

 

You know, until I get bored at work again.

[ReZourceman]

Slight change of plans. My friend made me a theme tune and I love it so much, I'm keeping the opening text permanently, as it fits with the theme tune.

 

Also working on the new locations for phone.

 

Also, error in "marget's attic" being slightly visible for a split second on this video, but meh.

 

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

Fucking brilliant. Even better than Margaret's Attic. The pacing is spot on and the ending just nails it. May very well be (IMHO) the best video you've ever done.

[EEVILMURRAY]

You're getting better. Although I feel like I want to punch the Dad for being too clueless at times.

 

Much better than the second one, which was terrible the moment it said "Oh she has a headache" I groaned as I knew it was gonna suck. Then the bit about going in his room - Ooh I wonder what was going to happen there. Was disappointed at the end though, I thought Dad was going to ring back against the background of things being thrown around etc saying that Mum had gone crazy. Instead we got a coma, felt like a cop out.

 

Watch your voice as well. You keep it well when you're trying for "the lols" when introducing a new plot twist but you soon get too "Jamieson" towards the ends of sentences.

[dwarf]

Based on the first video (people might have mentioned this stuff already, plus I'm sorry if I sound like I'm speaking with any authority whatsoever):

 

I think you just need to focus on your writing a bit more. The premise has potential, and the voice fits, but more attention needs to be put into identifying exactly what makes the situation funny, and there needs to be funnier word combinations for the punchlines. After aunty gets munched I think something like 'it's a bit of a downer really' would work better than 'it's a terrible situation'. Or something like that. You get where I'm coming from. A little tightening and you're there, cut any flab that doesn't add anything to the comedy. Some phatic is useful of course.

 

The tiger is too much (like The Hangover), dial it back. The first couple of messages need to be somewhat innocuous before they build. But you were pretty much on the right track. Example idea - Dad calling about the bath being unclean and asking Simon to rinse it out after use. Then leaving another message the following day explaining how 'the plughole is blocked and I'd rather not bathe in another person's pubic hair. I'm not saying it was you Simon but if you find out who's responsible please get in touch'. Round it off with something along the lines of, 'Simon, I speak urgently because this is getting rather out of hand. It's like a flatulent raccoon had a haircut in here and then shat all over the cosmetics. There's excrement everywhere. After using the loofah I looked like a danged aborigine. Now I know for a fact that this wasn't your mother because I demanded she trim her Eden before we went on our Wimbledon weekend away. Hmm. Having said that it did get stubbly again quite rapidly... Anyway, do call back as this is a matter of priority.'

 

That would obviously need work and racism is kinda cheating, but that piece is already comedic in the first call - why would a father call his son about the condition of the family bathtub? Alan Partridge is worth looking at closer because it's all about those funny little words you don't often hear, it's about minute detail, and it's about personality.

 

For me, I find it hard to remain consistent when I try to write a piece of comedy. Sometimes I'll think of a funny line that simply doesn't fit the character, and I'll shove it in anyway. If a character is inconsistent and self-contradictory, they are no longer credible and they stop being funny. Some ideas HAVE to be dropped. If you're lucky the idea will give you a better angle and you can frame the whole piece differently, or the joke can be reworked.

[ReZourceman]

For anyone who did not know, my "ReZourceman" channel got deleted.

 

I have bounced back and hopefully this one does not get deleted. Simon's Dad has been re-uploaded in its entirety and here is the new episode, a Halloween Special of sorts.

 

[flameboy]

Personally I'd have someone reading the intro rather than it being text seems like some of the lines would be better delivered verbally.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

This has to be my favourite series of yours. I find the concept genuinely brilliant. The Für Elise ringtone was a nice touch, and the ending was great as always. Also, I actually disagree with flameboy, I like that the intro is just text, leaving the dad's voice as the centrepiece; also, I love the theme music.

[Ramar]

The accent and posh mannerisms get me every time. I love how it's just the voice, you can then envisage your own perception of what Simon's dad looks like.

[flameboy]

This has to be my favourite series of yours. I find the concept genuinely brilliant. The Für Elise ringtone was a nice touch, and the ending was great as always. Also, I actually disagree with flameboy, I like that the intro is just text, leaving the dad's voice as the centrepiece; also, I love the theme music.

 

Well in that case I think the text needs to be shorter and more to the point.

[MoogleViper]

Well in that case I think the text needs to be shorter and more to the point.

 

I think it needs to be easier to read.

[ReZourceman]

Yeah I think Ill change the font and adjust the border for next time.

 

Glad you are enjoying it so much Dannyboy. I too am very fond of it.

[flameboy]

There is a certain beauty in it's simplicity compared to the increasingly elaborate set ups for Comedy Rainbow!

[ReZourceman]

[Ramar]

PC Wh-orld. xD

 

Love these videos.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

Brilliant ending. Absolutely brilliant.

[Jimbob]

Well, that was certainly interesting. First time seeing this series, and i like it.

[ReZourceman]

Thank you for your support guys. Feel free to tweet this episode etc, it would be swell. I am loving the feedback this is getting, but disappointing that it's penetration is so low (I have sub 40 subscribers) (had 500 on ReZ). Anyway, it's rewarding reading your comments and seeing the thanks on the videos.

 

Let me know what you think of this one. It's been in my head so long, I'm not sure how funny it is.