Friendship.

[Beast]

In terms of my own friendship. I feel that breaking it down into 2 categories is beneficial.

 

1) Friends

2) Mates

 

Friends

 

I feel that people I class as 'friends' are the people I really care about, people I want to catch up with if I haven't seen for a while. People that I would happily go for a pint with one on one and be able to hold a great conversation with. I think I'm lucky in saying that I've probably got around 15-20 really good friends. I've perhaps got more distant with them (each going our separate ways since leaving school etc) but I could still go for a pint and have a great time.

 

Mates

 

People I know, get on well with, but wouldn't ever ask out to go for a pint or do something just the two of us. Maybe you haven't known them for long enough or just don't have enough in common. Mates are quite often friends of friends. Mates can progress up to being friends if you get to know them well.

 

Totally agree with this!

[Rummy]

Excellent choice of thread jay, just what I expect of you, friend.

 

As for friendship, I identify a lot, like pretty much wholly, with Daft's post. Technically, I have, I guess, lots of friends. I try my hardest with people, I love people. I have lots of friends(though the phrase 'people i know' pops into my head there), and resultantly lots of friend 'groups'. I think it's because ever since a long time ago I've tried not to be cliquey, actively judgemental(i do judge, and i tell people, but not take myself too serious/let the fact they have gay hair or something affect how I view them as a person). I try and focus on positives along with negative, and be aware of my own faults, so as to sort of...get along with people? I'm very passionate and opinionated, but try not to let it actively affect stuff and so I let a lot of stuff slide, I think sometimes though it leads to people thinking it's ok to treat me like a bit of a mug, and it makes me question some friendships.

 

 

This makes me want to flip the idea on its head though. What is a friend? I don't think it's fair to say I have lots of friends, I think it's fairer(and not egotistical though it's presented from such a point of view) to say that I AM a friend to lots of people. Lots of people have me as a friend, I'm not sure whether I have lots of friends though.

 

As for best friends, I don't think I can identify any one person, but I definitely have a large group of really good people. Then again, all my friends are excellent one way or another, otherwise I wouldn't be their friend! I do know a couple of really good people, I'd call them best people! I'm not sure the gender balance makeup of my friendships, though I get on well with both in totally different ways, I think I do prefer company of the ladies, but of course you still need nights with the lads. I think it's easier to be friends with the opposite gender, there's less shared insecurities and issues sort of thing.

[Hamishmash]

The main thing I hate about Facebook is the use of the term Friend.

 

It really, really should be changed to "contact". I use Facebook as an address book or notice board. I'm not "friends" with most of them, but I won't remove them because it's good to have contacts and be contactable.

 

A lot of people nowadays get a bit over-excited by being someone's Facebook friend. They think it means anything more than just having each other's contact details.

[Slaggis]

I have relatively few incredibly close friends. After 2 years in Sheffield, I'd say there's only two people I know for sure I'll be in touch with throughout my life. Good friend wise, I haven't even got that many. I'm far too picky. I cant be doing with wasting my time with people I just "get on" with. I want to know people I feel I have an actual connection with, something that's worth my time and input. Basically, when I actually make the effort to make a friend, I do it for life. Otherwise, I just don't see the point. It takes me a long time to gain an emotional attachment, so if there's nothing really there, I'm just incredibly fickle.

 

That connection you have with people is just incredible. I've been friends with Han for over 8 years now. In the past two years that I've been in Sheffield and she's been in Cambridge, I've only ever seen her once or twice during term times, and then holidays. Yet, we instantly have that connection, even if it's been 6 months. That connection where you finish each other's sentences, somehow manage to think to text each other at exactly the same time, or where a quick glance says a thousand words.

[Grazza]

Daft hit the nail on the head for me: a friend is someone who thinks of you, who bothers with you in situations where they don't have to. I've only got a handful. I tend to have one workmate (at a time) and a few internet friends. Oh dear, I'm probably the biggest loner on here. It hasn't always been like that, but when you're the wrong side of 30 and not at school, college or university, it's very rare that you'll have much in common with anyone.

 

I have somewhat autistic tendancies, find it very difficult to make friends, and I very rarely want to. I'm quiet in person and I find social things very tiresome.

 

I've never been diagnosed with anything, but I'd be amazed if I wasn't a little bit autistic. I've seen documentaries about Asperger's (which is itself apparently a mild form of autism), and I'm certainly not that extreme, but I tend to be a bit "Alan Partridge".

 

As for the male/female thing, I usually have one girl I really get on with, although I must admit it's always someone I fancy (and I suspect the feeling's mutual, if only slightly), but the reality is, if they've got a boyfriend, he's not going to be happy with me taking her to the cinema or whatever!

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

Friends of mine have come and gone, either because we grew apart or because our friendship fizzled out. Contact doesn't seem to be the determining factor, though, as the people I'd classify as my closest friends currently aren't actually the ones I talk to the most. Yet when we do talk or see each other, it's so obvious the bond is strong as ever.

 

I don't think much about whom I call friends, acquaintances and so forth. I just have varying levels of closeness with the people in my life, and I really just call all of them friends.

 

N-E is like a second life to me, and I consider many of the people in here my friends.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Dannyboy-the-Dane

[nightwolf]

I find that the easier way is to just make sure your only adding people you deem as friends - I've shrunk my friend list considerably because of this, obviously it has a few long-lost relatives as a portion of my family live on the other side of the world.

 

I'd say I have quite a few friends, especially since university, I met so many bloody people! Haha.

 

I think nowadays I have about 3/4 really good friends, people I can ring up and immediately know they'll help out when they can, the rest are people are still more friends, people I hang out with, share stuff with good/bad and have a laugh with, but I wouldn't call upon them as much as those 3/4 people.

 

I don't think it matters that these friendships don't have as much draw the line definition, person a who I depend on more than person b, both are still friends, just for different reasons!

 

I suppose in relationships with people, it is already complex enough without having labels, definitions etc. I just can't deal with it!

[Frank]

Funny that this thread comes up.

 

Very recently I've been having horrible quivers of that...gut feeling. I'm close to leaving for my first year in college. I feel, figuratively, sick thinking about leaving 5-6 friends behind. I'm close to them all but feel like I still have so much left to do eith them.

 

I'm afraid that once college begins, I'll rarely, or never, see them again.

 

We've all said we'd meet up, but words don't carry much meaning in these circumstances. I hate the comforter "Sure, you'll make new friends in college."

 

No.

[Beast]

Funny that this thread comes up.

 

Very recently I've been having horrible quivers of that...gut feeling. I'm close to leaving for my first year in college. I feel, figuratively, sick thinking about leaving 5-6 friends behind. I'm close to them all but feel like I still have so much left to do eith them.

 

I'm afraid that once college begins, I'll rarely, or never, see them again.

 

We've all said we'd meet up, but words don't carry much meaning in these circumstances. I hate the comforter "Sure, you'll make new friends in college."

 

No.

 

This may or may not happen. If they love you as much as you love them, they'll try their best to keep in touch with you, even if it's talking on the computer all of the time.

 

Also, I know this sounds like an old cliche but you truly will make new friends in college. I thought the same as you, I thought I wouldn't fit in and that I wouldn't be able to make any friends in college but I did and they're honestly better. It can happen and you can keep your old friends too.

[chairdriver]

We've all said we'd meet up, but words don't carry much meaning in these circumstances. I hate the comforter "Sure, you'll make new friends in college."

 

No.

 

But it's so true though. No offense to Paj, but the majority of my Edinburgh friends feel really like... not bad -- there's nothing wrong with them, they're good, they are fine -- but they pale in comparison to my Oxford friends. There's just such a greater density of stunning people at university than at school.

 

Your life begins at uni, tbf.

[dan-likes-trees]

But it's so true though. No offense to Paj, but the majority of my Edinburgh friends feel really like... not bad -- there's nothing wrong with them, they're good, they are fine -- but they pale in comparison to my Oxford friends. There's just such a greater density of stunning people at university than at school.

 

Your life begins at uni, tbf.

 

Massive generalization, just as many people would say the same thing about sixth form. It's all just based on chance, where you meet the people you connect with, or find stunning, surely.

[nekunando]

I don't really have a best friend any more. I would have done anything for them and could have spoken about absolutely anything with them.. a bond that I never had with anyone before. As I've come to realise, these things change. They changed. I don't know who they even are any more..

 

I do, however, have a few good friends.. 3, to be precise! I've probably got on a lot better with a couple of them since 'losing' my best friend and actually became friends with the other guy towards the end of 2010.. a really decent fella! I certainly share more with them than I used to but they'll never know everything. I like to keep plenty of things to myself

 

I have other people that I play football with regularly (when I'm not injured.. like I am now ) but I wouldn't really classify them as friends.. maybe just one or two, but I don't really do anything else with them other than the football..

 

I'm almost surprised I manage to make any friends at all, actually.. I feel like I make a ridiculously poor first impression It takes me a while to come out of my shell with people so I can never really speak to someone properly on a first encounter. I need time to feel comfortable and relaxed so I can work my magic

[My Buttons are Magic!]

I have started this post many times. lol. Cause every time I started it, it just hurt so I clicked out but lets go!.

 

I have only ever had one friend that has never let me down. But I guess thats cause i never allowed them to get to know the real me. We've been friends since we were 4 and currently he is in a gap year to canada (2 months till he comes home ) So I miss him lots

 

Apart from him I only have 5 people that I consider proper friends. 2 girls n 3 boys!

The 2 girls I met through work and one of them actually got me that new job.

The 3 guys i met through the other girl and one of them in particular is actually freaking awesome. We argue and sorta dont get on a lot of the time but it is what makes our friendship fun :P cause we always end up bein friends again

 

Recently lost a lot of friends due to that drama I ranted on about! But i guess they werent proper friends anyway

 

I have some friends from school. 2 in fact. But they are the mega uber Christian goody goody innocent people. Which I am not I hope :P So I cant share a lot of my life with them

 

People from uni, well I never kept in touch with! Never got that close to them either i guess which doesnt help :P

 

I have some online friends, some I met through here (one in particular) and some I met on another website that, even though its just an online thing, and ill likely NEVER meet them, i feel really close to. I guess its cause "since they do not know me outside of the online world I can share more and be myself more"

 

 

.. more friends than i realise

 

p.s this last year has really shown me who my friends are.

[Paj!]

No offense to Paj

 

 

---

 

Otherwise I agree in terms of school friends. I did my foundation course/'technically first year at uni' in Edinburgh at art school and I'm still stunned by my friends from there though.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Paj!

[Rummy]

I think you can find friends anywhere, but I think the onus is on yourself to make sure you become friends, and keep them etc. Seems alot of friendshippy stuff in this thread is being attributed to them. I don't think it's your home friends, college friends, uni friends etc who all change, maybe it you who changes? Personally I've got friends I've had for years and years and years, and some who I've only recently made/still am making. I don't know how some people can only consider themselves to have a hands worth of friends!

[Paj!]

Yeah I'm making an active effort next year at uni to maintain relationships with people that I didn't let go to full term. They were aborted in favour of just sticking with people I already knew were my friends, which I kinda regret now.

[Frank]

Then don't wait until next year!

 

Be a weirdo and become the greatest bestie that they'll ever known.

 

DO EET! NOW!!

[Ashley]

He's on summer break so...no.

 

Paj! Unless I bored/scared you come see me more often next year (assuming I'm still in London).

 

or else you will DIE

[Paj!]

You both scared AND bored me, a rare and terrifying combination.

 

But yes I'll pop round e'er so often for a drink/something. Hit me up on my cellie. x

[Hamishmash]

Urgh... I try to keep in contact with most people but I had an absolutely abhorrent time with 3 scummy, disgusting villains at Victoria station the other week. Never, ever again.

[Captain Falcon]

I'm not a particularly social creature born both in shyness and selfishness I guess. I'm not great at dealing with many people at once regardless of my relationship to them unless there is something to focus on such as a game or activity.

 

I some others have mentioned, I do tend to favour the friends/mates distinguishing method for the people I see in real life.

 

A friend is someone I can trust to look after my secrets and give me and honest answer whilst looking in my eyes. Someone I can call on for a favour without feeling like I owe them. Someone I can sit in silence with without ever feeling awkward or feeling forced to speak to break "the tension" - I'm not much of a talker, more of a listener. A friend doesn't need me to tell them when they've crossed the line and offended me or how they did it. A person I don't have to be standing next to to think about them or their feelings and how my actions might impact them. A friend is someone who accepts me for who I am, flaws, baggage and all.

 

 

The problem I find is what to do with internet/virtual people - are they mates, friends or something else?

 

You can talk to some people everyday for hours at a time and then never see them for ages. You can share every personal secret or never chat about anything of consequence and that's how the relationship can continue until it's end. Sometimes it hardly lasts at all and sometimes it can last for ages, much like with "real life" friend.

 

I think my problem is that I can become too attached to these people because of the frequency with which I find myself speaking to them but I might not have a clue what they look like or what they sound like - I couldn't pick these people out of a line up but I spend more time talking to them than the people I call my friends. Yet when they go, they go. And I do find people I talk to online disappear much sooner than later. Obviously I know that I'm probably the problem there but then if that's the case, they never really were my friend to begin since they never understood me and it just makes me feel worse for trying to strike a friendship.

 

It's not always doom and gloom with online folks given I've been to London a few times because of one, Sheffield (should have gone visit the relatives whilst I was there) and most recently, my trip to Norway was to meet someone I'd met online. So some can transcend that barrier from virtual to real... even if they still collapse at some point afterwards.

 

I guess I put too much stock in people I don't really know and probably never will - it's easy to imagine something being more than it is. Consequently, I took an axe to my MSN list and rarely go on. It's also the reason I don't come here as much any more. The irony there being I joined to feel a part of a community and now that's the reason keeping me away.

 

That said, there is one particularly strong "virtual" presence in my life and we do speak a lot and they have helped to keep me sane during some darker moments in my life though I still haven't quite figured out why they put up with me. And that feels enough for me right now and long may it continue. I just don't want to be at a point when I have more virtual "friends" than real ones.

 

 

So when all is said and done, I always come back to my friends in the real world. Them mostly being the guys I've been friends with since high school, and one longer than that.

 

My first trip to Uni saw me hang around with a bunch of people for the 3 years I was there but I can't say I've spoke to any of them since leaving unless you count bumping into one at a job interview. So they weren't really friends in the strictest sense.

 

There are people from work who I thought I was close with but upon leaving, it's easier to see what your actual relationship is and with most of them, it really wasn't anything. A couple, yeah, I will still see them and speak to them (one in particular) but then I never thought I was there to make friends anyway. So again, most were mates at best.

 

And now I'm back at Uni again, there are a couple of people I do speak to a lot but only one I'd call a friend... though another does come close despite all her annoyances.

 

But then that works better for me. I prefer to be close to a few people than half know a bunch of people. I like the people to have a place - if they are in my life, I want them to have a purpose and I want to be able to give them the time they need, if they want it. I don't have many friends on Facebook (and I need to get rid of some of them too) but then that doesn't bother me. I've not that many people in my contact book on my phone either - but it meant I was able to send a personalized message to everyone in there at Christmas time and all bar 2 replied.

 

I see my main friends almost every day now I'm back home (with playing football, going the gym and generally hanging out) and I'm a lot happier for that. I used to be quite guarded even with them guys but now I'm a lot more open, I feel so much closer to them.

 

But I'd still be lost without my other friend - I'd call them virtual but that would be doing them a massive disservice.

 

 

tl:dr I'm crap at making, keeping and distinguishing friends regardless of whether they are real or online.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Captain Falcon

[Ashley]

Urgh... I try to keep in contact with most people but I had an absolutely abhorrent time with 3 scummy, disgusting villains at Victoria station the other week. Never, ever again.

 

The uber pushy guys at Subway?

 

Surprised we didn't end up with a franchise.

[Paj!]

Urgh... I try to keep in contact with most people but I had an absolutely abhorrent time with 3 scummy, disgusting villains at Victoria station the other week. Never, ever again.

 

I'll break your legs while you sleep.

[Frank]

This has been on my mind quite a lot.

 

Funny, I've been reminded, by myself, of my early failings during my painfully shy days. First year of school -- great friends with one girl. She puts on ocean between us by moving to America.

 

2nd -- Great friends with one guy. He becomes clinically depressed and drops out of school.

 

3rd -- Another great friend. He moves school.

 

Oh dear. Plus, I've come to realize that part of my college coarse includes an entire year in France/possibly Germany. Great but away from friends again

 

Said this to one of my friends. Said "Don' worry, Gav. We're not goin' anywhere.". It was really...just so nice.

[dwarf]

Thoughts raised from this thread, so made a post.

Friendship

I have a couple of cracking best friends. And I have a healthy pool of non-best friends. But weighing up how much these friends mean to me, and how much I mean to them, is not something I like to turn over in my head. There’s different ways of looking at friends - you can see them as people you like who like you back, you can see them as people you enjoy spending company with and you can see them as people who you could share anything with - and feel comfortable in doing so.

 

Now that order appears to ascend from low-level friendship to strong friendship, and of course grey areas exist. When analysed however, I don’t feel as though I have ever had any friendships that permeate these hypothetical high tiers. In some ways I feel that many of my friendships are contrived and not wholly natural, that some of my strongest friends would be better described as fantastic mates. We can only go by what we experience, so to an extent, factors that constitute a true friendship are relative to individuals. That’s how some people end up meaning more to you than you might mean to them, and that’s why some people are like clingfilm and why some people are like horizons depicted in ‘Holes’.

 

Some people have that vitality about them which attracts more spiritual and loving styles of friendship, whilst almost being dismissive of others. They can be the ‘choosers’ because they have the ability to magnetise an inner bond without so much as offering you a cup of tea. Enigmatic souls they be.

 

Saying that, I view myself as someone who is slightly mysterious (it’s a romantic thought, and best justified by revealing that I confuse myself) and yet I lack the above qualities. I don’t open up for toffee, I don’t put people at confidence. I’m in a way insubordinate to those who try and wear me down.

 

Distrust is born from doubt. You will always be confronted by the boulder known as assymetric information - one person will always know more than the other about themselves - they don’t let this information on. Both parties in a friendship do this to varying levels. The sad thing is, if presented with a button whereby all knowledge was shared between them upon its press, both members would happily push it. The reason this rarely happens is because we are never quite sure how committed our friend is to our cause and how much investment we should place in them. Ideally, reciprocation would exist in all manner of relationships you wanted to make - be they friends or partners - but we have to accept that social familiarity must be earned before you can be considered compatible enough to indulge in your inner secrets.

 

We want to be that person others talk to in times of need. We want to mean more to a person than the background blend of sprites that spawn and blip through their ticking life. I’m not that person right now, but give me meaningful time with the right people, and I could be.

 

Edited June 2, 2011 by dwarf