Posted December 13, 2005 i think this was on spongebob, What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 14, 2005 Why do women have boobs? ... so you got something to look at while youre talking to 'em. Heheheheh... ... ... so you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em heheheehe... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 14, 2005 What is better than winning the para-olympics? Having arms and legs! what is worse than being able to tell crap jokes -being oliherst Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 14, 2005 Ok here's one of my favourite ever bestest jokes 2 irish pilots were coming into land in dublin airport, the pilot says to the co pilot: "Oh, this runway lookin a bit short, but 10 degrees on the flaps" so the flaps went up 10 degrees and they began to slow. "Hmm i think this is a little shorter than i anticipated" said the pilot" put 15 more degrees on the flaps" so the flaps were up at 25 degrees and they were gettin slower. Then the co pilot says: "Wow this is looknig short, maybe we should cut off one of the engines?" so the pilot agrees and one of the 4 engines is cut off. they get closer and the pilot says: "Holy hell this is getting shorter by the second, take the flaps up to 50 degrees and cut off engine 2!" so they are now running on 2 engines with 50 degree flaps and getting slower and slower. 2 minutes later the co pilot says: "We're not going to make it paddy it's all over!" So the pilot says "No O'riley, we're going to make it, cut off engines 3 and 4 and put the flaps up to three quarters of the way!" so all engines are off and they have the flaps 3 quarters of the way up, gliding down. "Right, brace yourself!" yells the captain "Put the flaps on full and prepare the landing gear" so the co pilot does as told and the plane comes in and touches down "NOW NOW! full brakes full flaps get ready for a rough entry!" so they skid along the runway, sparks flying, the pilots clingin on and hoping. They slow to a halt about 2 metres from the edge of the runway and the co pilot says: " I can't beleive it, that is the shortest runway i have ever seen" and the pilot replies: "Yeah but have you seen how bloody wide it is!" One quicky: A 2 seater plane crashed in a cemetry in belfast, rescue workers have found 59 bodies and are still searching Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 14, 2005 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 14, 2005 What do you call a spider with no eyes or legs? A raisin God im good Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 14, 2005 why couldn't the baby get through the door? it had a javalin through its head. how do you get a baby out of a blender? Doritos Why did the baby fall off the swing? It had no arms. whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot? the Holocaust. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 15, 2005 why couldn't the baby get through the door? it had a javalin through its head. how do you get a baby out of a blender? Doritos Why did the baby fall off the swing? It had no arms. whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot? the Holocaust. What? ............................ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 18, 2005 Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 19, 2005 A homeless man walks into a high class jewelery store and casually takes down his trousers and starts fingering his butt hole. The manager storms over to him and says "What the hell are you doing?!". The homeless man takes his finger out and points a sign in the shop: "Feel free to pick you ring". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 19, 2005 whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot? the Holocaust. love it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 19, 2005 a guy i know told me this, i thought it was hilarious Q. Why isnt Santa so Merry? A. because he knows where all the naughty girls live. i cant rememeber if it was merry or somehing else so i put that in. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 21, 2005 Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had photos of Manchester UTD players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 21, 2005 a guy i know told me this, i thought it was hilarious Q. Why isnt Santa so Merry? A. because he knows where all the naughty girls live. i cant rememeber if it was merry or somehing else so i put that in. I think that should be 'why is Santa so merry?' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 29, 2005 Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A. From a catalogue. a funny sign image Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 29, 2005 Three men (a scotsman, an english man and an irish man) in the middle of the desert, find a genie lamp. They rub the lamp and out comes the genie. "you may have a wish each" he tells them. The scots man goes first, "i want to go back to my home in scotland"...and poof the genie sends him back. The english man thinks this is a good idea, and requests to be sent back to his home in england. The irish man thinks for a while... then says to the genie, "I miss me pals, can you bring them back please" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 30, 2005 Bill Gates, the Pope and President Bush are in a plane that is going to crash and there are only two parachutes. Bush says: "I am the most intelligent man so I need to survive." takes one and jumps out of the plane. The Pope to Bill Gates: "You are young and have so much left to do in live, you can have the parachute." Bill Gates responds: "That's not necessary, the most intelligent man has just jumped out with a rucksack." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 14, 2006 Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 14, 2006 2 sausages are lying in a frying pan, one of them says "Ow its hot! the other one says "Ahhh! A talking sausage!" This joke isnt for the faint hearted... Whats a pork pie got in common with an old ladies vagina? You gotta bite away the crust and lick away the jelly to get to the meat! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 15, 2006 Three men (a scotsman, an english man and an irish man) in the middle of the desert, find a genie lamp. They rub the lamp and out comes the genie. "you may have a wish each" he tells them. The scots man goes first, "i want to go back to my home in scotland"...and poof the genie sends him back. The english man thinks this is a good idea, and requests to be sent back to his home in england. The irish man thinks for a while... then says to the genie, "I miss me pals, can you bring them back please" Ha, i love that joke, heard it years back. Another ending to it is this: The Scottish man wishes for loads of haggis(sp?), the genie grants the wish, he gets alot of haggis. The english man wishes for loads of beer, the genie grants the wish, he gets alot of beer. The irish man wishes for a car door, the genie says "Erm..ok heres you car door", The irish man gets a car door. The english man and the scottish man say to the irish man "Why did you wish for a car door mate?" The irish man replies "So when it gets hot, i can undo the window!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 15, 2006 What do micheal jackson and a playstation have in common? They both get turned on by little kids. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 15, 2006 An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman are trying to get into the Marines. The Commanding Officer says "I've given you each a gun, now I want you to go into that room and shoot the first person you see." So the English man goes in. A minute later he comes out shaking his head. "It was my wife, I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot her." The Scotsman walks in. A minute later he walks out shaking his head. "It was my wife, I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot her." Then the irish man goes in. They hear a scream. Then the Irish man comes out and says "It was full of blanks I had to strangle her to death." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 15, 2006 What do micheal jackson and a playstation have in common?They both get turned on by little kids. And they both are made from plastic. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 15, 2006 A bear and a rabbit go for a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur and the rabbit says no. The bear then wipes his arse with the rabbit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted February 4, 2006 There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
