The Mental Health Thread - Living in the cuckoo's nest

[Raining_again]

either side I guess?

 

I went to le mental health appointment, had two people listening to my every word, felt like a bit of an intervention.... really strange.

 

Had a mental health risk assessment, and scored pretty low. I'm not really depressed 95% of the time anyway. Felt very weird having essentially a stranger ask you if you had ever considered suicide or harmed yourself...

 

They were surprised that my doc put me up to the highest dose of fluoxetine so quickly, i'm on 60mg now. Had a few funny side effects at the start when I was getting used to it.. jittery and needing to get up and go and DO THINGS constantly... It definitely feels like its working now, I've never felt so calm in my entire life. I don't feel like I have to do compulsive things quite as much as before, and I'm coming round to the idea of facing my fears. I no longer have to binge eat to find some remote little bit of happiness, nor do I boredom eat.. (although I think weight loss and appetite suppression is part of this drug) so I'm doing good and not having any unwanted side effects..!

 

Oh and I am going to attend an anxiety management course, and its in a group! Really excited! Its a two day course, but I'm not sure if I'll get the leave. They said I can basically demand it and they'll give me a cert to say what it is etc, to excuse me... but I know for a fact that it would be a red alert automatic referral to occupational health and a question as to whether I'm fit for my job... -_- So I'm just going to hang fire for now and hope the boss approves my leave

[Daft]

Felt very weird having essentially a stranger ask you if you had ever considered suicide or harmed yourself...

 

I got asked this recently. It's such a strange question. I completely understand why they ask it but I couldn't help feel slightly revolted by being asked the question. Of course I considered it, I wrote a massive essay discussing the difference between suicide, voluntary death and self sacrifice - I was probably more informed than the person asking the question. All I could think was not a chance - I'd never want my family and friends to have to deal with the fallout. (Not to mention you've got to consider how you are going to do it, who's going to find your lifeless husk, if you'd write a note, the financial cost of cleaning you away, what happens with all your stuff, etc. - This is how my English teacher talked a student out of killing himself. I guess you become so enamored by the act that you forget the repercussions, even the smallest ones)

 

If anyone is interested in reading about "depression" Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by William Styron is very insightful. It's short, like 84 pages, and probably quite helpful to anyone who is clinically depressed and even if you aren't it's an interesting read with a grounded and supportive conclusion.

[Iun]

Terrible, terrible stress recently, and a "Brain Fog" descended over the last few days. I have these last few days been having the most awful nightmares.

 

Monday I dreamt I was on a plane that suddenly lost fuel, it dropped suddenly from the sky and crashed. Last thing I remember, a great fireball washed over me. I died :/

 

Another time, I was on a game show, trying to win money for a mentally handicapped girl to turn her house into a completely safe and happy environment to live in. However, just as I was winning another contestant dropped into the game - she started beating me, it came down to a tie in the end, she leaned over and told me that she was playing to win the money in order to pay for medicine to help a terminally ill little girl live for another six months. On hearing that, I suggested we split the money, but no, half would not be enough to help either girl. I remember suddenly bursting into floods of tears.

 

Why is my brain doing this to me?

[gaggle64]

Yikes, those sound like some hardcore anxiety dreams you've got coming on there. Still in a rough spot at the moment?

[Raining_again]

 

I got asked this recently. It's such a strange question. I completely understand why they ask it but I couldn't help feel slightly revolted by being asked the question. Of course I considered it, I wrote a massive essay discussing the difference between suicide, voluntary death and self sacrifice - I was probably more informed than the person asking the question. All I could think was not a chance - I'd never want my family and friends to have to deal with the fallout. (Not to mention you've got to consider how you are going to do it, who's going to find your lifeless husk, if you'd write a note, the financial cost of cleaning you away, what happens with all your stuff, etc. - This is how my English teacher talked a student out of killing himself. I guess you become so enamored by the act that you forget the repercussions, even the smallest ones)

 

If anyone is interested in reading about "depression" Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by William Styron is very insightful. It's short, like 84 pages, and probably quite helpful to anyone who is clinically depressed and even if you aren't it's an interesting read with a grounded and supportive conclusion.

 

 

Yeah I pretty much feel the same way, its a very selfish act in my mind and you have to be at the brink of despair and have lost all love for anyone around you to consider it. I felt very odd being asked about it so openly, but I guess its their job.

[Debug Mode]

I'm really starting to believe the theory held by some of my friends that I may be manic depressive.

 

I have no idea why, but the way I swing through emotions is really getting on my fucking nerves and I always feel broken for having such incomprehensible drama going on in my head. Even though I'm happy where I am right now, and I'm finally at where I wanted to be, I'm still getting in these foul moods which I end up trying to distract myself from too much and end up day dreaming mid-class.

 

I think it gets sparked whenever I leave my comfort zone, which is just myself, in a room, with a computer. Going out with friends? Too large of a group and I'll end up being bitter and reclusive, wishing to go home. In a class room environment? Start off eager and regardless of whether I'm doing well or not, all concentration goes out the window and I end up being so bitter in my head that I've repeatedly cursed the whole idea of coming here.

 

I have no idea what to try. I've already sub-consciously accepted that I'm just being a massive unpleasable fagget and push myself more out of the comfort zone so I can adjust, but even that realisation doesn't motivate me. I've tried laying off the caffeine and getting more exercise and actually going out in the sun, but bad habits die hard and I'm back to where I started, drinking soda laced with caffeine because it feels so damn good.

 

Dafuq do I do? I really wish I told my doctor this before I got out of the country, he'd probably put me back on the pretty good anti-depressants which helped me out a couple years back.

[Daft]

Maybe you need a bigger change than just dropping the caffeine.

 

Yeah I pretty much feel the same way, its a very selfish act in my mind and you have to be at the brink of despair and have lost all love for anyone around you to consider it. I felt very odd being asked about it so openly, but I guess its their job.

 

I've been trying to think of how to phrase my response to this, here goes; I couldn't with good faith say it is a selfish act. It's a very complicated subject.

[jayseven]

RE: Suicide; I think how you respond to the question can tell the examiner plenty.

 

@Debug Mode ... I relate to a lot that you say. I've read a bit about schizophrenia and I think that it ticks more boxes, but then again i pretty much mentally block anything and everything to do with labelling, as I have enough reasons to be a failure as it is and I don't need more titles to add to the guilt-enducing pile. Mostly I just ignore/escape rather than comprehend with these things. When I read that you've taken the big step to Jpn I felt pretty shrunken. How've you coped with that change?

[Debug Mode]

The change is fine, I really hate how people are far too nice to really be helpful here (no matter how shit you are, they're all like HOOO JOUZU NEEEE), but over all I think I'm already reaping the benefits of being completely surrounded by a new language.

 

But to be fair, you've got a point, I feel like I'm mainly ignoring/escaping all this shit that's building up in my head that I've held in for a long time in fear that I'll be seen as absolutely fucking bonkers or completely ungrateful for the stuff people have helped me with and endured. I think the reason this is surfacing in my head lately is because of how many changes I'm making so I become some one who I actually want to be, and that comes with wanting to stop running and escaping.

 

I think the paranoia I get here is a contributing factor as well. I've always considered myself an unstable person when it comes to personal affairs, but I'm calm and can help out friend when they're the ones in a pinch, so it always creeps up on my mind whenever I've spent a little too much or made some promises I can't keep etc. The fact that every fucker here stares at you for being foreign bugged the hell out of me for a good few weeks, but I'm already over most of it.

 

Seriously, what a country to study in.. a country that rewards you for being the person you don't want to be any more.

 

Maybe you need a bigger change than just dropping the caffeine.

 

Aye, I definitely agree with that. I've been doing more meaningless walks lately, something I haven't done in years, started actually cooking my own meals from scratch using fresh stuff which I'm already feeling a world of good for..

 

Maybe it's the fact I'm back on the cigarettes.

[jayseven]

It's hard to really comprehend just how much a change of environment can stress your brain the fuck out. So long as you're both being productive and recognising that you are self-improving then you'll appreciate that you're stagger-stepping up the mountain, plateau after plateau.

 

I've personally realised that I really, really need structure in my day because otherwise the default structure is a slow boat to nowhere; I get up tired, I go to bed late, I eat too much, drink too much, escape too much and minimise social interactions too much. If I'm free to do the fuck I want then I do whatthefuckIwant, not whatthefuckIneed. I need to get some mates and get drunk and get shit off my chest!

[Charlie]

One of the standard tests used for autism (of which aspergers is a high-functioning form) is the autism-spectrum quotient, which you can take here. As it says in the link, the average score for non-autistic people is 16.4, and autistic people tend to score 32 or higher - I tend to get around 30, so I'm pretty borderline. Some members of my family are more clearly autistic though.

 

Edit: So this time I only got 25. I guess it depends a bit on how I'm feeling at the time, but I probably am slightly less aspy than when I was younger.

 

I know I'm very late in this but what would a score of 11 mean?

[Debug Mode]

I've personally realised that I really' date=' really need structure in my day because otherwise the default structure is a slow boat to nowhere; I get up tired, I go to bed late, I eat too much, drink too much, escape too much and minimise social interactions too much. If I'm free to do the fuck I want then I do whatthefuckIwant, not whatthefuckI[i']need[/i]. I need to get some mates and get drunk and get shit off my chest!

 

I identify with the need for structure a lot, I haven't had anything like that since I finished sixth form. Every one knows how uni goes for a lot of people, go in to what ever you're not too hungover for, cram at the end.

 

Unfortunately, the same is happening in Japan, though I think the little oddity of me drinking an entire damn bottle of Smirnoff vodka on the Tuesday night is to blame.

 

But like you, if there's no structure to my days, I just do whatever and it screws me up. Like I've just woken up at 5pm, I'll probably have an instant ramen for breakfast, I'll spend a lot of time on the internet and possibly do a little homework, then curse myself for not being able to sleep early enough to get a good nights rest before the English lesson I'm supposed to be giving tomorrow! In a way, I'm very amused at myself..

[Iun]

Yikes, those sound like some hardcore anxiety dreams you've got coming on there. Still in a rough spot at the moment?

 

 

Rough spot has turned into a rough expanse.:/

[jayseven]

I'm lucky in that part of my routine requires waking up before 7am - the past week I've not had to, so I've woken up as 'late' as 11am. Doesn't compare to your 5pm (or my previous waking times) but it's a noticably sloppy thing that is fairly insubstatial in itself, but still enough to make me feel shitty about myself.

 

Don't fuck it up, dude. You've got a good opportunity. Don't fuck up other people's shit!

[Debug Mode]

Haha, I'll try not to. I've got a time limit on this thing, so hopefully that'll get my ass in gear.

[Supergrunch]

I know I'm very late in this but what would a score of 11 mean?

Slightly further from autistic on the spectrum than the average individual.

[Debug Mode]

Today took a turn for the worst. All the shit in my head nearly leaked out mid-class when the teacher kept pushing me about some things I'm lacking and ended up trying to dive into my head by asking if I had any form of motivation.

 

Not sure what happened, but I started to feel ill, I covered my head for a bit and I started to shake and sweat and I bailed from the class room as soon as I felt I was going to break down.

 

Took a month exactly for all the doubts and insecurities to topple in my head. Fuck.

[gaggle64]

Wow, sorry to hear that Debug. You going to able to pull back together?

[Raining_again]

Wow so I had a mental health group seminar session thing with 4 other people. (it was an anxiety workshop) boy what an eye opener that was. I was by far the least severe in the group. People on anti depressants for years. People who were normal and had a sudden shift, unlike me who's been this way since forever. Made me feel a bit appreciative of life and other things. One of the girls had no family to help or talk to and had daily panic attacks. Fortunately I rarely suffer from panic attacks or anything like that. My problems are more centred around OCD&autism so the anxiety is only really a byproduct of this. Though saying that I think a lot of the techniques and suggestions are very very useful for lots of different mental problems, like relaxation and thought shaping. I'm kinda already halfway on the track they are suggesting by being healthy and keeping a positive mind, so it's good to have the additional ideas and knowing I'm on the right path. It was good to talk to people with similar problems, and I let out a lot of my anxieties by just talking about it. Strangely it was easy talking to people isolated from my inner circle of family and friends.

[gaggle64]

Good to hear it, I bet it's a huge relief to be able to talk with people you know are dealing with similar stuff.

 

Anyway after three days chasing it up and with the help of someone at my regular doctor's clinic, they've pulled my referral back and I've got the forms in the post so hopefully that's that safely out of my hands for the time being. My week off came at almost the perfect time, got time to spend in relative sanctuary sleeping and eating and piecing a couple of bits back together. Honestly, having time to obtain a decent amount of food for a few days is making a lot of the difference. Surviving multiple late shifts on store snacks is not a way to live. I got on a set of scales, found I'd dropped a full stone in the past year and immediately ate a four-egg omelet with cheese out of principle.

[jayseven]

R_A don't let the severity of others' problems nullify yours. Hopefully the perspective helps alleviate your symptoms rather than serve to fuel them through some form of guilt

 

Gaggle I'm glad things are continuing to progress well for you. You got any omelet tips? I have to turn mine into scrambled eggs, even if the heat is on low.

[Raining_again]

R_A don't let the severity of others' problems nullify yours. Hopefully the perspective helps alleviate your symptoms rather than serve to fuel them through some form of guilt

 

Gaggle I'm glad things are continuing to progress well for you. You got any omelet tips? I have to turn mine into scrambled eggs' date=' even if the heat is on low.[/quote']

 

I think if anything it made me glad that I went now, and am dealing with it before it becomes completely disabling like the other girls had experienced. Every single one bar me had been off on long standing sick leave at some point. Although I was pretty close to that myself. That was the breaking point I needed to say here woman sort yourself out!

 

Ps omelettes need to be fried on the bottom don't flip it over, just put the pan in the grill with cheese on the top. But does slightly bork your pan so don't use a horrendously expensive non stick one that your parents own, like a certain person did

[jayseven]

Got a cast-iron pan that I need to treat properly (but the pan owner doesn't believe that the best way to look after it is to rub salt and oil in it to clean it rather than dishwasher). I must admit it's in flipping it that it goes wrong! :P

 

There seems to be nothing wrong with talking eggs in a mental health thread, imo.

 

(good on you for feeling spirited by the whole thing!)

[Raining_again]

Hahaha yesss cast iron! Aye I bung in the ingredients, cook them fully, put the egg over it, give it a good shake and cook it til it slides in the pan easily (then the bottoms cooked) then I throw on cheese, and bung it in the grill til it's well done. I also don't completely whisk the egg because I like how rustic it is, and it tastes different in every bite nom nomlette.

 

I'm freakin useless at flipping omelette, it nearly always ends up broken or a mess. :p

 

I'm in a very good place right now and I'm so revved up to fix things, really pushing myself and feeling the achievement of success in facing my fears.

[gaggle64]

If it starts to stick reduce heat or just take it off the heat - literally lift that sucker into the air, put on a cold hob for a few moments, avoid burning it to the pan. Learn to do it with everything pan related.

 

 

There seems to be nothing wrong with talking eggs in a mental health thread' date=' imo. [/quote']

 

Nothing more mentally disturbing than bad omelet.