Story help needed, urgent!

[Eenuh]

So here I am again, with one of my many pleas for help heh. Seems I really have no inspiration these days. Plus I just suck at writing to begin with haha.

 

But yes, I'm supposed to illustrate a story for my masterproject this year, and I wanted to work with the theme of foster families, aimed at 6 year olds (and older). I wrote a short story but it's really crappy, and it doesn't make much sense. I made a quick translation so you could read it, but I warn you that it sucks (even more so in this translation haha).

 

Basically it's about a little girl who ends up in a foster family (together with her teddy bear, who in her fantasy comes to life). She doesn't like the family as they don't seem to pay attention to her, so she uses her imagination to try out different families. But in each of them things don't go the way they should. So in the end she goes back to the foster family, to find out they aren't as boring and neglecting as she thought.

 

Merel stood in a strange living room, with strange people who smiled at her in a weird way.

“These people will take care of you now,” said the woman who had taken them there. Herself and her little friend Boris, her very own and very best friend. (Boris is her teddy bear)

 

At first Merel and Boris had spent some time in a big building together with other children. There were all these teacher people who took care of them. It was often busy and noisy.

And now they were sitting here, with these strange people. But this wasn’t her house, this wasn’t her family. Mom and dad were at home, without their Merel.

 

Sometimes there’d been words between mom and dad. Loud words that bounced against the walls and resounded through the house. Words about the smallest and the biggest of things. Merel didn’t like it when her parents would fight, because then they would sometimes forget that she was around. She knew that her parents loved her, but sometimes it seemed like they didn’t love each other anymore.

 

So now Merel stood in this new house, with her new familiy. Her “foster family”, like the lady who brought her here had told her. Her foster mother was Annie, who apparently liked to cook, because she had been in the kitchen for hours now, without looking at Merel even once.

Foster father Frans loved to read. He apparently couldn’t get enough of it. Again and again his nose would disappear between the pages of one of his many books. He also didn’t pay attention to Merel.

 

And then there was Thomas, the son of Annie and Frans. He was very busy doing lots of boy things (things that Merel liked to do too) and told Merel to come back to him later. Even the dog Max wouldn’t play with her.

Merel found this place very boring and didn’t feel like she belonged there. No one paid attention to her. She missed her mother and father, but she knew she couldn’t go back to them.

 

“I don’t like it here,” Merel said to Boris, “I want a nice family, who can do special things and where there’s always fun things happening!”

And immediately Merel’s imagination started working at full force and they ended up in a different house.

 

“What a strange room. I wonder what kind of family lives here?” Boris asked aloud. He had just said those words or two people came flying in on broomsticks, gracefully floating through the sky.

“Hello Merel!” the woman said, “We’d been expecting you. Welcome to our family!”

And immediately Merel received a tour through their weird house.

“This seems like a great family!” Merel said excitedly.

But the longer she stayed there, the more things she noticed that weren’t that great. (flying on a broomstick but failing, trying to make a magic potion but having it explode, trying the food from the witches which consisted of spiders, frogs and other weird things, sleeping in the bed but noticing weird creatures under there)

 

“Are you sure this is the family you’d like to live with?” Boris asked her.

“Hmm no, I don’t think so,” Merel answered, “Shall we try out another family?”

“You’re the boss!” Boris laughed.

And poof! There they were in another house.

“What is that strange smell…” Boris asked while sniffing the air.

“And what strange sounds do I hear…” Merel said while listening carefully.

Together they went to explore the house, and very quickly they found out where that smell and those sounds were coming from.

(the house is filled with tons of different animals)

 

“It’s a real zoo in here!” Boris yelled surprised.

Suddenly, between all the animal noises, they heard a faint voice. “Oh, hello. Are you the new house-mates? You can look around if you want, I still have to feed the animals.”

Merel loved this and decided to help taking care of the animals. But soon she sound out that it wasn’t as easy as it looked. (the giraffes were too tall for her to feed, the rhino looked a bit too dangerous, the monkeys were crawling all over her so she could barely move...)

And all those animals around her, Merel thought it was a bit too busy.

“Pff, I’m not a good animal caretaken. I don’t think I like this place that much after all.”

“Let’s try out another family, maybe it’s better there.” Boris said.

 

And poof, again they found themselves in another house.

“This doesn’t look like a house, does it Boris?”

“No, not like a real house at all…” he answered.

“Is anyone here?” Merel yelled.

A deadly silence followed. But then something soared through the sky. And with a soft tud and a graceful bow a man landed right in front of Merel and Boris.

“Helloooooo! Welcome to the Circus Gorgonzola! Our family has the best acrobats in the whole world, which makes us famous all around the wolrd! Welcome welcome to our family!”

And with a big backflip, he disappeared again.

“Wow, a real circus!” Merel said in a delighted voice, “I’ve always wanted to be part of a circus!”

Immediately she tried to find out what role would fit her best. Lion tamer? Acrobat? Clown? It all was a lot more difficult than she had thought, and it seemed like she didn’t fit in a circus family after all. (lion taming was dangerous and scary, she was a bit scared of heights so acrobacy wasn't her thing, and even the size of the clown shoes prevented her from going anywhere)

 

“I give up Boris, it doesn’t work! I don’t fit in with these families, they’re all too special. But this foster family isn’t special at all. They’re boring and they don’t notice me.” Merel let out a big sigh.

“Maybe you should give them another chance? Maybe they’re less boring than you think?” Boris said.

Merel decided to give it another try. And while she went through the house again, she noticed that things weren’t the way they had first appeared.

(Thomas was building a fort for them to play in, Annie was making a huge, delicious meal for the family and Frans was looking through his books for stories he could tell before bed)

 

 

 

So yeah, if you read through all that, well done! As you can see, it's not good at all. First of all, it doesn't make sense that her fantasy would go against her; in your fantasy things go the way you want them to. Also, it just all happens too quickly, like in a matter of hours or something.

 

So I've been told to make it different, so her fantasy doesn't work against her. Plus spread it out over a longer period, and pay more attention to the foster family and how they also need time to adjust to a new family member.

 

Thing is I'm not a writer, at all. I need to go look for an actual writer to write this for me, but before I can do that I need a bit of an idea what I want to do with my story. The way it is now it doesn't work, but I don't really know how to change it so it does work...

 

And so now I come to you, again, to help me out! If you have any basic ideas as to how this story could go, let me know please. You could completely change it too if you think that would work better, just as long as it's about foster families and trying to accept each other and all that. I don't need an actual written story, just some ideas. =')

Edited December 6, 2009 by Eenuh

[Daft]

Sorry, I might have totally missed it and am just being dumb, but why is she in a foster home exactly?

[Eenuh]

Sorry, I might have totally missed it and am just being dumb, but why is she in a foster home exactly?

 

Well I don't really want to put too much focus on what is wrong with her original family, as this is aimed at foster children (and we don't really want to put their natural family in a bad spotlight).

 

Children get taken out of their families for things like (sexual) abuse, money issues, really bad parenting skills...

[Daft]

Gotcha.

 

I guess I'm finding the complete disinterest of the foster family a bit too much. Unless that's just the viewpoint of the child.

[Eenuh]

Gotcha.

 

I guess I'm finding the complete disinterest of the foster family a bit too much. Unless that's just the viewpoint of the child.

 

It is. They're actually preparing all these things for her to welcome her, but she doesn't notice as she doesn't want to be there.

 

But yeah like I said, it all doesn't work. I need a better working story. I'm no writer, I have no idea how to do this stuff. =P

[Daft]

Na, I'm being ditzy. It's not a bad story really.

[gaggle64]

I think one thing I would do is address more clearly what kind of home she's escaping. You don't have to meet it head on but simply parents shouting at each other, even in a bitter divorce doesn't explain why she would be given to a foster family - dropping hints like finding broken furniture, windows, plates, food everywhere after each fight, burnt out cigarettes and alcohol containers left everywhere, things disappearing from the house, not being fed or washed or taken to school for days on end, and so on. I know it's a risk addressing it because the story is aimed at real foster children, but precisely because of that I don't think you can't address it.

 

I can see what they mean by not having her fantasy work so much against her, because it makes more sense that these imaginary situations are an escape, not a challenge for her. You should keep them but the thing to do would be address that while they distract her they don't provide - e.g. I'd probably make her have a lot of fun taming lions and stuff with the circus, but then it packs up and leaves town - then her foster brother comes and offers her his Action Man or something, which she finds boring but she's still happy to be able to play with someone anyway. Or maybe she has a lot of fun mixing potions with the witches, but they can't help her when she skins her knee - but then her foster mum comes along and puts a plaster on it and helps calm her down. Perhaps this way she can realise naturally what her foster family can provide that her fantasies cannot.

 

The sort of things I might do with the foster is to show how hard they're tying for her but she doesn't quite understand or trust them and they don't fully understand her, as hard as they try. eg. They give her a really nice room but she misses her old one so much she hates it. They cook her foods which she might find strange, try to buy her clothes and toys she isn't interested in or take her to nice places that her parents never took her so she finds them intimidating or weird.

 

Anyway, sorry about the wall-o text, that's just a few ideas, so I hope that helps somehow. You're story's really got something in it, sounds like it'll be fantastic once it's had a little refinement. Keep it up!

Edited December 6, 2009 by gaggle64

[Eenuh]

Thanks for that gaggle, there's some great ideas in there. =)

 

Some more information about the story. It's not going to be a text book with pictures, but I want it to be a picture book with some text. So more emphasis on images than text, as the few books I was able to find on this subject focus so much on text that I want to do something different.

 

Since it's a picture book aimed at young children, I'm also limited in the amount of pages (plus I only have a few months to finish it heh). Normally it'd be around 24 pages, but I might have to use more if i want a better story... problem is I probably won't have the time to illustrate more than 24 pages. >.<;

[Aimless]

Instead of having Merel idly fantasising about other families, have her sneak off with Boris and fall asleep somewhere. Dreams can easily turn against their owners, plus the concept of time doesn't apply to them in the same way; you can dream hours in minutes, or minutes over hours.

 

Another suggestion would be to only have her visit one fantastical family. Instead of visiting unrelated people, have her spend time with different members of a single household that are all fantastical in their own way. So for instance the witch could be the mother, the father the zoo keeper, their elderly son a member of the circus. It should help simplify things without losing the diversity of the different personalities, lending the story a clearer structure.

 

If you were to go with the above, I think it would add to the overall cohesiveness if the fantasy family mirrored the real family. For instance, you say the foster mother likes to cook so you make the witch mirror her aesthetically — albeit 'witch-ified' — and show her stirring a cauldron in a similar stance to the mother stirring a stew. Similarly you could show the father reading a book about animals (zookeeper) and have the son, Thomas, mirror his alter ego's role at the circus somehow; perhaps show him playing with a cat (as opposed to dog) in the real world, then in the dream show him taming a similar looking lion, that sort of thing.

 

As for showing the foster family in a positive light, at the end of the story you could have them go looking for Merel, having finished preparing her a meal. They could find her sleeping, carry her indoors and put her to bed in the room they were still busily preparing when they appeared to be ignoring her.

 

Ending the tale focussed on the family also gives you a chance to give them chance to explain themselves, such as:

"Have you seen Merel?"

"Last I saw she was exploring around the house. I thought I'd give her some time to adjust on her own before the meal; I think Thomas was sick of the sight of us on his first day!"

Or something like that.

 

One final idea, because they're incredibly cheap: have the final illustration be a family portrait, including a smiling Merel, sat on a reflective surface of some sort; glass table, varnished dresser, whatever. In the reflection you show the family in their dream garb, Merel surrounded by the witch, zoo keeper, and circus performer she dreamt of. Admittedly that touch would be more for your marker's benefit than that of any kids reading the story, but all the best children's stories have something for the adults. Anyway, the point of the portrait is that it allows you to show how everything worked out in the end without having to wake up Merel and explain it all over several pages; sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

[Eenuh]

Thank you Aimless. =)

There's some great ideas in what you guys gave me, and I'll see if I can do something with. I probably don't have time to rewrite what I have, but I can include these ideas when I contact some writers. ^____^

 

Again, thank you both! I've been kind of stumped on this for ages, think I actually have a burn-out haha. But hopefully I should be able to get going again now. =)

[Grazza]

First of all, I don't agree that the fantasy worlds should just be a flawless escape. The whole moral of your story is to show that the foster family isn't so bad after all, which is a perfectly nice idea. The fantasies don't need to be bad - Merel should just gradually realise they're not so great.

 

Secondly, I have one suggestion for the story structure. Immediately after each fantasy, show Merel enjoying life with the foster family in a specific way that shows it's better than the fantasy. For example, if she didn't like the witches' food, show that the foster family's food is better. After the dirty, smelly animals, show that the real house is nice and clean. After the chaos of the circus, show calm.

 

If you do that, it'll break up the fantasy sequences with "real" sequences inbetween.

[MoogleViper]

Well I read the whole thing, thought up an idea to make it better, only to find that Aimless had said what I thought, and more, in a much better way than I would have done. Oh well.

 

I think one thing I would do is address more clearly what kind of home she's escaping. You don't have to meet it head on but simply parents shouting at each other, even in a bitter divorce doesn't explain why she would be given to a foster family - dropping hints like finding broken furniture, windows, plates, food everywhere after each fight, burnt out cigarettes and alcohol containers left everywhere, things disappearing from the house, not being fed or washed or taken to school for days on end, and so on. I know it's a risk addressing it because the story is aimed at real foster children, but precisely because of that I don't think you can't address it.

 

This is a bad idea. I've fostered (i.e my parents fostered a child, not that I was a foster child) and most of them don't want to be reminded of why they can't live with their own families anymore. If anything I'd change it to something like, "Merel missed her family. Even though there had been problems, she knew her parents still loved her, and she loved them." I wouldn't mention any actual reason as to why she had to leave, as foster kids have all different kinds of backgrounds.

[Beast]

This is a bad idea. I've fostered (i.e my parents fostered a child, not that I was a foster child) and most of them don't want to be reminded of why they can't live with their own families anymore. If anything I'd change it to something like, "Merel missed her family. Even though there had been problems, she knew her parents still loved her, and she loved them." I wouldn't mention any actual reason as to why she had to leave, as foster kids have all different kinds of backgrounds.

 

This. I know that I wouldn't want to be reminded too much of that if I were in their situation.

[Ashley]

First of all. This;

 

Basically it's about a little girl who ends up in a foster family (together with her teddy bear, who in her fantasy comes to life). She doesn't like the family as they don't seem to pay attention to her, so she uses her imagination to try out different families.

 

reminds me of Calvin and Harris. And as the teddy is called Boris I had mental images of Calvin dragging around Boris Johnson.

 

Anyway.

 

Building on what others have said. Perhaps if you hint more at why she had to be put into foster care (as gaggle said) and then bring that into the fantasies. So say the dad got quite violent, there could be 'echoes' of that in the circus with the lions which could snap her out of the fantasies (although as Moogle said, it could be stepping on a fine line). I don't think they need to be perfect, what can appear to be a fantasy at first may turn against you (like Coraline in that regards really).

 

Slight variation on Aimless' idea; a family portrait at the end but on the wall are photos of the family doing Halloweeny stuff (Merel dressed as a witch), at the circus etc.

[Paj!]

First of all. This;

 

reminds me of Calvin and Harris.

 

 

I think you mean

[Ashley]

Haha of course, me being too distracted/dumb.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

 

I think you mean

Love that comic! One thing has been bugging me, though, as I remember one strip where the joke was a pun that worked in Danish, but which wouldn't work in English. I've been wondering ever since what the original pun was.

 

Aimless had the greatest ideas IMO, but I also worry about hinting at the past family. Of course it's a part of it, but I think you should focus on the positive sides of the foster family. Still, I might be wrong, but it's what my gut feeling tells me.