Posted January 24, 2009 Hello all ! If you have ever wanted to be a budding Trisha type then here is your chance ! ( and lets face it who doesn't want to be Trisha) I don't post on here much but desperate times call for desperate measures :-p hehe . I'm goin through a bit of a confusing time regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. First of all I'm gay, but it shouldnt have any bearing on my dilema .I know that you guys and girls give good advice cos Ive seen it before! So I'm asking you all what should I do? Basically, I've been with my partner for about a year and have known him for 3 years but at Christmas I found how that he had kissed another guy back in October . Now we were going through a rough patch at the time but thats mainly cos we are in a long distance relationship. We are very straight acting people, dont go out on the scene or anything like that. It gets worse though because I was very suspcious and logged into his facebook ( yes my bad) and found out he wrote the following to the guy in question ( who happens to be straight)- 2 months after the event, when our relationship was getting back on track. My boyfriend: 07 December at 03:05 Just come back from Nexus, couldn't help but reminisce of past times haha :p. Ohhhh that romantic night we had, lol!. x Other dude: 07 December at 08:48 haha yerrr that was rather awesome, i seemed to lose a lil bit of memory from that night but i dont think anything controversial happend in the time i forgot stuff lol asif i met you lol, i dont remember how it came about...just thort :s what am i doin lol My boyfriend:07 December at 13:02 lol, totally random innit. i think sharon was doing a bit of matchmaking. one second i'm singing quite happily, the next i'm closer to you than i ever thought i would be lol. still, i'm not complainin haha :p Other dude :07 December at 16:40 haha oh the important question...was i any good lol My boyfriend: 07 December at 20:51 i reckon i'd have gone back for seconds yeh, haha :p As you can imagine reading that was very hurtful. Now, despite all this, he is a lovely guy and he means alot to me and when we meet up we have the times of our lives but every day I cant help but think of that event and not only how he hid it from me but how even up to a month ago how he was flirting with this guy still! Even though he is straight. So, do you think he did what he did because i was getting on his back and threatening to leave at the time? Or do you think what he did was just wrong and shows no respect?! On top of all this , its the FOURTH time he's done something behind my back ( he's viewed my msn logs ) and it just feels like he puts no effort in us sometimes ( he didnt even get me a Christmas card lol) I'm really confused and unsure If im being walked all over. So I leave it open to you guys! Thanks for the help :-) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Have you had gay sex with him? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Have you had gay sex with him? LOL Totally irrelevant... (or is it?) People are flirty... I love my girlfriend very much, and Im 100% loyal, but even I have succumbed to Facebook "boarderline" emails. Just one of those nights when my girl isn't there and I guess I'm turned on... I wouldn't know, but I would think that being gay and in a distant relationship, the cravings for physical closeness must reach fever pitch. So flirting might be greater than straight couples just as loyal. Its a case of concern for the fact that he has actually been with the guy in question (i mean just generally hanging out). If it was just a random guy friend on FB, then i wouldn't see it as a problem... Its ultimately up to you to judge how loyal he is to you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Depends how deep the relationship is... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Ditch him, he's clearly not into it. It will get worse and it will continue. Speaking from experince here just draw a line under it and try to be friends. It will make things easier in the long run. If you forgive him and move on he will know he can get away with it. Sorry if it's upsetting but I don't think you can ever make up for cheating, the relationship will forever lack a fundamental respect. My ex-gf did it to me twice, then I did it to her and it just went back and forth until we ended, with lots of hurt, anger and tears. Be the bigger man and walk away, then you'll still have your pride. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 If he's been fooling around with other people when you're not nearby, then he broke your trust. If I found out my girlfriend was doing something like that behind my back, I'd be pretty pissed. Sure, it may not be easy to break up things with him, but when someone crosses the line like that... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Have you actually talked to him about it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Have you had gay sex with him? haha well we are partners so I will let you guess that one, how is it relevant though? and Nicktendo...thanks for your response! What you say is pretty true actually, I feel like I have to punish him somehow and I have thought about cheating to level the plane and thats just not healthy is it, I would never cheat anyway, but when things happen to you like this then it makes you think of doing things you never normally would. I'm not perfect either, after the incident I decided to flirt with people just to get back at him. Is one drunken kiss cheating though? Even though it was a straight mate he kissed, I think it was because of the emails I found after :-/, he musnt respect me when he wrote that .... Have you actually talked to him about it? I have done yeh, I confronted him about it. And he did say he was profusely sorry and that he couldnt really do anything to make me trust him more. But he almost made me feel that its my fault he cheated. He rarely admits he is wrong ... lol It's a real mindf*#ck basically so I appreciate all the advice! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Devils Advocate: Didn't you break his trust by hacking into his Facebook account? Within a year is the time the fears of mistrust should be resolved. If there's no trust by then... If you still don't truly know who you've gotten into a relationship with nothings really going to change. And these thoughts of doubts that prompt you to look at emails/text msgs etc is just too taxing. I say psuedo-dump him and give him the time to grovle at your feet... If he doesn't do much within a week, he probably doesn't care and happy for the freedom. Though this is an extreme and delicate procedure. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Have you had gay sex with him? Lol, surely it's totally redundant to phrase it like that? It's not really like they could be having any other kind of sex... Also forgive me, but I did chuckle to myself when I read the bit that said 'very straight acting people' just due to the twist of irony. As for the situation. I'd say to either ditch him, or be very wary/tread carefully, but that is going to be a tense relationship and it may jsut delay an inevitable parting. The kiss, maybe could have been forgiven, but it seems worse that not only did he kiss a guy(straight or not, I'm still uncertain as to whether it truly matters) he's now been having flirty chats with him! Either or, may be forgivable. Such as, if he'd done one, or the other, or both but not the same person(a very lenient view, mind, I dunno how much I'd tolerate either) but given he kissed this other guy AND he's flirting with him, well, that's just not very cool at all and I wouldn't stand for that shit at all. Either a serious talk is in order to put a stop to it(where you stand your ground, no other compromise), or you just get over it and move on. It may be something you don't want to do, but you might have to chuck him and find something better! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 I have done yeh, I confronted him about it. And he did say he was profusely sorry and that he couldnt really do anything to make me trust him more. But he almost made me feel that its my fault he cheated. He rarely admits he is wrong ... lol It's a real mindf*#ck basically so I appreciate all the advice! What was his reason for the e-mail contact? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 He didn't give a reason for the facebook messages, he says he doesn't know why he sent them and that be was an idiot for doing so. The kiss happened the night after we had a bit of a silly argument and when I said we should go on a break, the email happened much later when we were going good. Actually I remember what his reason was now- it was because he knew the guy in question was guilty about it so my bf was teasing him about it. Tbh I wouldve probably forgave him if he told me rather than me find out the wrong way. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 I'd say chuck him. He has done several things, intentionally too, which have hurt you. And by the way you mention that you almost feel like you made him cheat I get the feeling he knows how to manipulate your emotions and make it feel like its your fault. It is my belief that this won't be the last time (leopard spots and all that) and if he know he's gotten around you once he'll only get more cocky and I'd imagine just do it again. Plus as your boyfriend actively sought after this stroll down memory lane there is still a part, even if its just the part that comes out while drunk, that doesn't regret what happened and actually probably wants to do it again. -edit to include above- if he wanted to emotionally punsih the guy he wouldn't go talking about happy remeniscing. In fact your boyfriend should also feel guilty about it, and a guilty party doesn't go on about how good the guilt-enducing act was. In addition, the fact this has only been revealed and he is only apologising and coming up with excuses for it is because you found out anyway through digging*. Ask yourself, do you think he would have openly fessed up otherwise? (but when it comes to relationships "dump em" tends to be my bitter advice anyway :p but it is my belief but I wish you well with whatever you decide on ) * "Most people would probably say they wouldn't put a tracking device on their boyfriend's car, but that's probably because they don't know how." Was reminded of that quote and wanted to share even if its not completely relevant. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Again thanks for all the warm advice! I'm beginning to see a concensus being reached. The reason it hurt so much is because he is actually a very decent guy, thought he could be the one and I'm his first bf (he's 21) ,so I was very surprised. I think he's changed alot over the year and he has said he wants to re-live the teen years he missed . I wish he told me that before gettin with me though. How do I go about walking away do u think? Be harsh or amicable. I do want to remain mates with him but I also want him to know how much of a fool he has been. What do the resident gays think too? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 How did you find out he kissed the other guy in the first place? He didn't pursue it did he? How often does he come into contact with this person? The messages seem to happen out of the blue. Just sounds like he was being stupid. Or he has a thing for this other person. Maybe I'm talking crap as usual. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 How did you find out he kissed the other guy in the first place? He didn't pursue it did he? How often does he come into contact with this person? The messages seem to happen out of the blue. I had a feeling something had happened so I remembered he had given me his facebook password after he admitted going through my hotmail inbox once . So I logged in and found the messages. Now before the messages, he posted pictures of him and this guy messing about on a night out, u know hugging eachother and dry humping eachother (as you do). Now that hurt so when I found these messages a few months later I confronted him with them and thats when he admitted he kissed him too. I know I can make life difficult for him but I'd hope that when the going gets tough that he'd talk it through rather than get blindingly drunk and flirt . I might post the pictures actually to see what people think about them , harmless flirting or again cheating? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 People do stupid things when drunk. *Takes the gold* So I'd be more concerned about the messages which I assume he sent when he was compos mentis. I guess it would have been easier if he'd not said anything about the kiss. I wonder why he told you? (Not that he shouldn't have, I'm just wondering.) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 I have done yeh, I confronted him about it. And he did say he was profusely sorry and that he couldnt really do anything to make me trust him more. But he almost made me feel that its my fault he cheated. He rarely admits he is wrong ... lol It's a real mindf*#ck basically so I appreciate all the advice! What exactly did he apologise for? The messages or the flirtings? Or something more sinister? He didn't give a reason for the facebook messages, he says he doesn't know why he sent them and that be was an idiot for doing so. The kiss happened the night after we had a bit of a silly argument and when I said we should go on a break, the email happened much later when we were going good. Actually I remember what his reason was now- it was because he knew the guy in question was guilty about it so my bf was teasing him about it. Tbh I wouldve probably forgave him if he told me rather than me find out the wrong way. I've always stood by Ross when he was on a break [albeit the timings wasn't great], but the convenient lack of memory on the reason behind the messages, is most suspicious. I assume he was "drunk" when this happened of course. Just to clarify the last bit, your boyfriend knew this friend felt guilty about the flirting messages/kissing/anal?, yet your boyfriend thought it nice to tease him about it, which I assume is the messages you came across? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Just to clarify the last bit, your boyfriend knew this friend felt guilty about the flirting messages/kissing/anal?, yet your boyfriend thought it nice to tease him about it, which I assume is the messages you came across? Precisely yeh! That doesn't hold with me though. Those messages don't come accross as teasing to me, they definitely come under the flirting category. I don't understand why he was flirting anyway, the guy is straight and has a girlfriend. I also believe him when he said it was just a kiss because the way the other guy said he can't remember anything controversial happening. Either way I'm thinking I should just let him get on with it! It is hard to leave though, he's a videogames programmer and I don't think you get many gay programmers : peace: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Either way I'm thinking I should just let him get on with it! It is hard to leave though, he's a videogames programmer and I don't think you get many gay programmers : peace: Get on with what? The flirting? And why should the fact he's a gay programmer affect anything? You're with him for the money aren't you. AREN'T YOU. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Get on with what? The flirting? And why should the fact he's a gay programmer affect anything? You're with him for the money aren't you. AREN'T YOU. Noo...well..maybe..wel .... No!!! no no I'm not! I'm not sure his profession is that relevant but it does show he is hardly thick and should know better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Noo...well..maybe..wel .... No!!! no no I'm not! I'm not sure his profession is that relevant but it does show he is hardly thick and should know better. Being smart and being intelligent are two completely different things. I know some very intelligent dumb people. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.” Albert Einstein! Everyone makes mistakes I suppose! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 Being smart and being intelligent are two completely different things. Word, it shouldn't stop common sense coming into play. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted January 24, 2009 How should I go about telling him I've had enough? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
