Settle down, kiddies. It's storytime...

[Roostophe]

It's not a children's book, by the way. Don't let the title deceive you...

 

I've been coming up with this book now for the last few weeks. One day I thought "fuck it, I'll write down", so I did. And It's coming along very well.

 

Basically, the setting is a sort of "we fight with swords, nah!" style. You could always say that it is a bit like Lord of the Rings in that sense, despite it not being anything like Lord of the Rings...

 

Anyway, I've put part of the first chapter into a spoiler box. As it is a bit long, but not very long. Think of the the first chapter in the first Harry Potter book, and you're close.

 

Anyhoo, here's the chapter:

 

 

That'll be all I'll put here for now. Got any comments? Don't be afraid to say.

[Roostophe]

lol mate thats a shit start to a story lol you should quit while youre ahead lol your so rubbish lol why do you bother lol you should take up something else like stamp collecting lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...well nobody else was going to comment. I thought I might as well...

[thirtynine.]

100% better than J.K. Rowling ever wrote, Its a nice start man, keep going looking foward to seeing more

[Roostophe]

100% better than J.K. Rowling ever wrote, Its a nice start man, keep going looking foward to seeing more

 

Cheers, mate.

 

If more people ask to see more I will post the rest of the chapter.

[mariosmentor]

lol mate thats a shit start to a story lol you should quit while youre ahead lol your so rubbish lol why do you bother lol you should take up something else like stamp collecting lol

 

Shut up you dick he's trying his best!

 

I'll read it in a little bit man, it's late and "I must rest my scary eyes."

 

I'm interested in reading it though, I write a little bit myself nothing good so far though.

[jayseven]

CRITIQUE! (sorry :P)

 

Well the thing that struck me was the descriptions. I understand you're setting the scene but the trick is to describe things in more mentally visual terms...For sure you're describing the mountains and cities in terms that everyone understands, but not truly visual terms where the reader can imagine sweeping over the continent, or truly understanding the scope you're aiming at. Take your time describing each one - big and notorious mountains deserve a description that reflects this. Name one or two, maybe describe something that happened on one or some weird culture associated with it.

 

Bit rushed for time so i'm sorry i'm not really helping with this post!

[Roostophe]

CRITIQUE! (sorry :P)

 

Well the thing that struck me was the descriptions. I understand you're setting the scene but the trick is to describe things in more mentally visual terms...For sure you're describing the mountains and cities in terms that everyone understands, but not truly visual terms where the reader can imagine sweeping over the continent, or truly understanding the scope you're aiming at. Take your time describing each one - big and notorious mountains deserve a description that reflects this. Name one or two, maybe describe something that happened on one or some weird culture associated with it.

 

Bit rushed for time so i'm sorry i'm not really helping with this post!

 

I see what you mean, I had trouble with that bit. I'm not sure how to make that bit better, but I'll have a look. Thanks anyway.

[Roostophe]

Okay. Just for the fuck of it. I'm posting the rest of the chapter now:

[Ellmeister]

Pretty good ^^, for some reason it reminded me of final fantasy XII, sorry :p

 

The second part was better than the first. I thought the first had tooo much hard description. You could have let some of the information be realised later on, like perhaps her name. But still I liked it, you should post some more sometime

 

One main thing, why is the sword's name 'Sword'?? Please change it :p

[Roostophe]

Pretty good ^^, for some reason it reminded me of final fantasy XII, sorry :p

 

The second part was better than the first. I thought the first had tooo much hard description. You could have let some of the information be realised later on, like perhaps her name. But still I liked it, you should post some more sometime

 

One main thing, why is the sword's name 'Sword'?? Please change it :p

 

Thanks for your views. I suppose I could think about not revealing the main chracter's name until later. I'm not sure how the feck it would remind you of FFXII. It's more like Lord of the Rings to me.

 

The sword's name is Sword, simply because that is what I would do. It know it sounds lazy on my part, for not thinking of a fancy name, but I don't like the idea of giving something, such as a sword, a name.

[Ellmeister]

ff12 u go to a pub thingy, check on the board for like special missions :p

 

Sorry that sounds so lame but it just did. It does have a lotr to it, but I love those books. Eragon being a personal fave.

[Roostophe]

ff12 u go to a pub thingy, check on the board for like special missions :p

 

I see, but I wasn't thinking of FFXII when I thought up of that.

 

Just shrug it off as a mere coincidence.

[Roostophe]

Chapter Two is done and dusted, if anyone's interested...

[MoogleViper]

I haven't read chapter 2 so this is all about chapter 1. I'm going to be a bit harsh here but I'm not being nasty, I'm trying to be helpful.

 

I think the description is a bit unimaginative. This shouldn't always be described as they are. Use things like similes and metaphors and things.

 

The dialog is a little bit immature. I would cut out a lot of the insults like "Ya mam's a slag" and bitch etc.

 

I didn't like the bit where the * is. It felt as if the fight scene never had any sort of ending or conclusion.

 

I hope I didn't offend you. That wasn't my intention. I just know from my own experiences that criticisms that are down to earth help you more.

[DomJcg]

personally i find describing things as one goes along to be abit better, as in, describe the layout of the map at a map sence or when they travel to places where its relevent to the places on the rest of the map.

 

However, what grips me and gets me into a book is the first few chapters, i like action in the book and the middle of chapter i liked and the same goes for conflict

 

good starts

[Roostophe]

I haven't read chapter 2 so this is all about chapter 1. I'm going to be a bit harsh here but I'm not being nasty, I'm trying to be helpful.

 

I think the description is a bit unimaginative. This shouldn't always be described as they are. Use things like similes and metaphors and things.

 

The dialog is a little bit immature. I would cut out a lot of the insults like "Ya mam's a slag" and bitch etc.

 

I didn't like the bit where the * is. It felt as if the fight scene never had any sort of ending or conclusion.

 

 

 

I hope I didn't offend you. That wasn't my intention. I just know from my own experiences that criticisms that are down to earth help you more.

 

I understand where you're coming from regarding the dialogue. But I wanted the speech to be informal and vulgar. Just like normal, everyday speech.

 

The asterisk is there due to a lack of ideas, to be honest. I couldn't really think of the best way to end the fight scene. But I thought it would be okay for now if the protagonist merely walked away.

 

personally i find describing things as one goes along to be abit better, as in, describe the layout of the map at a map sence or when they travel to places where its relevent to the places on the rest of the map.

 

However, what grips me and gets me into a book is the first few chapters, i like action in the book and the middle of chapter i liked and the same goes for conflict

 

good starts

 

As I've said before. I have trouble when it comes to describing certain things, such as landscapes and scenery, towns and villages etc. I have some ideas about the scenery being described while travelling. But, like I said, I struggle with description.

 

But just so you lot know, the chapters here are drafts. At the moment they're a simple layout of what will happen in the chapters. When I've completed all the chapters I'm going to go back and probably do a complete rewrite of the whole thing.

 

EDIT- Just so you know, I've redone the first part of chapter one. But I won't post it here, as I don't see any point.

[MoogleViper]

Not trying to steal the show but here is a description I did of myself that I did in English mocks. I got an A* for it. Thought it might give you some ideas.

 

I’m there. At the edge of the world. Separating the different places. Europe, America, Africa and Asia. I’m between them all. I’m ever changing yet I remain the same. That same blue water. The ocean, the sea, whether red, dead, Atlantic or Pacific. They’re all the same. They’re all me. I am a haven to many a life. The fish, the whales, the dolphins, the sharks. They swim through my belly. The crabs, the lobsters. They wander across my feet. The birds swim atop my choppy head, looking for their next meal.

For centuries man has tried to conquer my powerful waves. And in the process I have claimed many a life. Huge ships, wooden, metal. The captain, the king of his fleet. But in the vast world of the ocean, they are a tiny speck. Man now tries to conquer my brother, the skies. Massive metal vehicles soaring above me. Yet still they fall, they still fall to me.

Children play at my hands. They bathe in my fingertips as I lap against the shore. They run along my edge, screaming with joy. Some nearby teenagers play volleyball whilst I gently stroke their feet. A budding, young marine biologist examines the rocky trails that I left behind the previous night.

Yet even as this joy happens, a great evil plays out. For a few miles down the coast, a metal monster pumps its venom throughout my veins, polluting my very being. No longer may I be lived in. No longer will children hold my hands. For I am dying. The might of the ocean is being overcome by the waste of man. I am weakened. It will not be long before I am completely vanquished. I will soon die, and only then, will man realise that he cannot live without me.

 

 

 

 

I've read chapter two and I quite enjoyed it. Thought you could have spent a little more time describing the manor (not too much.) Try describing things in emotions. I'm really enjoying this so far. Keep it up. I've started writing stories before but I've never kept it up.

[Strider]

Not trying to steal the show but here is a description I did of myself that I did in English mocks. I got an A* for it. Thought it might give you some ideas.

 

I’m there. At the edge of the world. Separating the different places. Europe, America, Africa and Asia. I’m between them all. I’m ever changing yet I remain the same. That same blue water. The ocean, the sea, whether red, dead, Atlantic or Pacific. They’re all the same. They’re all me. I am a haven to many a life. The fish, the whales, the dolphins, the sharks. They swim through my belly. The crabs, the lobsters. They wander across my feet. The birds swim atop my choppy head, looking for their next meal.

For centuries man has tried to conquer my powerful waves. And in the process I have claimed many a life. Huge ships, wooden, metal. The captain, the king of his fleet. But in the vast world of the ocean, they are a tiny speck. Man now tries to conquer my brother, the skies. Massive metal vehicles soaring above me. Yet still they fall, they still fall to me.

Children play at my hands. They bathe in my fingertips as I lap against the shore. They run along my edge, screaming with joy. Some nearby teenagers play volleyball whilst I gently stroke their feet. A budding, young marine biologist examines the rocky trails that I left behind the previous night.

Yet even as this joy happens, a great evil plays out. For a few miles down the coast, a metal monster pumps its venom throughout my veins, polluting my very being. No longer may I be lived in. No longer will children hold my hands. For I am dying. The might of the ocean is being overcome by the waste of man. I am weakened. It will not be long before I am completely vanquished. I will soon die, and only then, will man realise that he cannot live without me.

 

 

 

 

I've read chapter two and I quite enjoyed it. Thought you could have spent a little more time describing the manor (not too much.) Try describing things in emotions. I'm really enjoying this so far. Keep it up. I've started writing stories before but I've never kept it up.

 

No wonder you got an A* for it, mine was crap compared to that, maybe thats why i got C in the mocks.

[Roostophe]

I've now done Chapter Three. It's not the final version, but it's an idea of what will happen in the chapter. I hit a small bout of writer's block when it came to description, but I think it's okay at the moment.

 

 

 

Just so you know, I've changed the first two chapters so that the protagonist's name isn't revealed until the end of chapter two.

 

*Goes off to watch Top Gear.*

[MoogleViper]

Quite a good chapter. I thought the bit where he called him a wassock was poor. I know I've already said this but you don't need to use words like that for the language to be realistic.

[Roostophe]

Quite a good chapter. I thought the bit where he called him a wassock was poor. I know I've already said this but you don't need to use words like that for the language to be realistic.

 

That's true. But I love the word 'wazzock'. Maybe it won't be said in that point of the book, but at some point or another, definitely.

[MoogleViper]

That's true. But I love the word 'wazzock'. Maybe it won't be said in that point of the book, but at some point or another, definitely.

 

Hey whatever floats your boat.

 

I'm glad to see you're keeping this up. I can never keep stories going for too long.

[jayseven]

It opens better you're working on the descriptions, which is good. Always remember "show, don't tell". Show teh reader what you've created, don't just tell them what's going on. I still think you've left too much to the imagination - what do any of these people look like? What emotions are they feeling as they say what they say?

 

Give the audience some detail about appearance and they'll apply it to the persona - for example, having one of your thieves smoking a rollie through chipped or missing teeth might imply he's a brawler, down on his luck.

 

I couldn't write this much, I just wouldn't know where to start. I applaud your concentration and effort Perhaps you can tell us where you get your inspiration? Do you have an idea how the whole story is going to pan out?

[Roostophe]

It opens better you're working on the descriptions, which is good. Always remember "show, don't tell". Show teh reader what you've created, don't just tell them what's going on. I still think you've left too much to the imagination - what do any of these people look like? What emotions are they feeling as they say what they say?

 

Give the audience some detail about appearance and they'll apply it to the persona - for example, having one of your thieves smoking a rollie through chipped or missing teeth might imply he's a brawler, down on his luck.

 

I couldn't write this much, I just wouldn't know where to start. I applaud your concentration and effort Perhaps you can tell us where you get your inspiration? Do you have an idea how the whole story is going to pan out?

 

Thanks jayseven, your thoughts are appreciated.

 

I'm still working on character descriptions, at the moment they're only in black and white, I plan to go back afterwards and apply some colour to them.

 

I'm also surprised at how this whole story has come from practically nothing. One night I thought up of an idea for the main protagonist, next thing I'm adding more bits to the character that it has become so good, I thought "I'm making a story of this, it's brilliant!"

 

I'm not sure about inspiration, I suppose Lord of the Rings might have something to do with it, and I think a night of playing Soul Calibur comes into the equation too.

 

And I have created a blueprint of the story, including what I plan to happen in the chapters, what happens to the characters and so on. So I know how the story will pan out.

[Roostophe]

Chapter Four done for now. This was the hardest one to write so far. So it is quite shorter than the other chapters, methinks it'll get almost a full rewrite.