New take on three little pigs

[LazyBoy]

Wrote this for my chinese girlfriend who wanted to hear a western fairy tale. I had forgotten a whole lot so ended up making most of it up. Enjoy.

 

Once upon a time, there were 3 little sheep. They were college graduates from the University of Phoenix. Fresh out of graduation that had little money and even less sense. Their first decision was that they needed a house, and being the greedy bastards they were they wanted their own one. So they all picked a piece of land to build their houses on, all very close to each other (apparently some kind of insecurity relating to their being alone).

 

The first sheep, a jockish asshole, more concerned about where he could put his can of piss weak American beer down than the issue of acquiring a mortgage, decided to save money building a house by building it out of hay, thus allowing him to spend the rest of his money on take out pizza and hookers.

 

The second sheep, a self-hating emo who spent most of his time in his room listening to Panic at the disco and convincing himself that if they pushed him once more he would cut himself, and for real this time. Lacking any confidence, (and, though unrelated, any concept of what people have to go through everyday in the real world) he chose the middle path, making his house out of twigs and mud, and putting the rest of the money in Northern Rock.

 

The third sheep was German. He built his house out of brick.

 

Then the wolf came along. Dude had the munchies like you wouldn't believe. And, yep, he fancies pork. But my girlfriend doesn't eat pork so for the sake of the overly concerned muslim he had to settle for sheep.

 

So he walks up to the house of hay, god knows how he knew there was sheep in there. Knocks on the door and says:

 

"Open the door"

 

And the sheep replies "huh"

 

"Open the door"

 

"Why?"

 

The wolf thought...."er.....I was wondering if you would be interested in listening to the teachings of Jesus."

 

"No thanks"

 

"Shit. Alright scrap that, i'm delivering a package."

 

"Mate it's 9 at night, who you trying to fool? Now f*ck off, i'm trying to fap here."

 

So the wolf, the munchies growing ever greater says "f*ck it" and huffs, puffs and blows the house down. Cool huh? I mean like I know it's hay and all but still, that's pretty damn impressive. Dude earned that sheep, and the playstation he nicked as well.

 

So, playstation in hand wolf goes to the next house. Now I know you're thinking, that is one greedy mother f8cking wolf, but dude smoked a lot of pot, we've all been there give him a brake.

 

So he goes up, raps on the door and shouts "dude let me in"

 

Sheep replies "Why?"

 

"Errr....I got PS3"

 

"Dude PS3 ain't got no games, well not till MGS4 comes out anyway."

 

"But this the 80gb version, backward compatible and shit, and I got FFXII"

 

"Sure I could go for a cutscene"

 

So the wolf is let in and they drink and play FFXII all night, and they mildly enjoy it, end up agreeing it is a little overrated. Wolf leaves come morning having made a new friend. Gets outside and realises he's more hungry than he was last night. So now hung over, goes back to the door and asks to come back in, only Emo sheep is passed out on the floor from drinking too many bacardi breezers. So wolf huffs, puffs and blows the thing down. He enjoys a meal without a struggle inside. Lucky git.

 

So goes to the next house and raps on the door. Only he has had enough of the games so he is a little bit more blunt with the german sheep.

 

"Hey let me in."

 

"Why?"

 

"Hungry.

 

"Oh...no"

 

The wolf gave up and left. I mean he was a stoner but not even courtney love is going to try and blow down a brick house. Well maybe if she had been hitting it really hard.

 

So the wolf goes and tips off the housing commission who turn up two weeks later and knock the house down for building without a permit. Sheep is out in the open, but by this point Wolfy has been caught and arrested for mass murder.

 

The End

[Cube]

That's awesome.

[MoogleViper]

Nice I like it. You could try it with real people instead of animals.

[Guest bluey]

Nice I like it. You could try it with real people instead of animals.

 

i dont think that;d just upset the muslims... cannibalism tends to piss most people off

really good!!! nice work lazyboy ^_^

[MoogleViper]

i dont think that;d just upset the muslims... cannibalism tends to piss most people off

really good!!! nice work lazyboy ^_^

 

I didn't mean about the muslims. I don't care much for religion. I just thought it could have a nice modern, realistic take on the story.

[Emasher]

I didn't mean about the muslims. I don't care much for religion. I just thought it could have a nice modern, realistic take on the story.

 

Fairy tales aren't meant to be realistic.

[Konfucius]

Haha that was a very funny read. Especially this one cracked me up:

"The third sheep was German. He built his house out of brick."

[tapedeck]

I could go for a cutscene...lol

 

Nice read