Kirkatronics Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Is this good, and should i carry on? Reveal hidden contents I can hear the wind hurling around me and the near by trees. Impatiently, and forcefully pushing the trees aside as if they were weeds. I can feel the rain beating down onto my head, dripping onto my face, eventually flowing off my chin. I can see a light in the distance, a small flickering glow that fades every now and then. I can sense a presence around me. I know there’s someone or something here, but I can’t quite see it. The rain has turned to shrieking storm, the noises I could hear in the distance have been drowned out by the winds screams and moans. The presence seems to be drawing close to me, but I cant think where from. I turn, and look around. I see nothing, the unforgiving rain is now bursting into my eyes, the flickering light in the distance seems to be getting further and further away. I must make way into town before the storm gets worse, and the presence gets closer. I begin to fight my way towards the embering glow of the town in the distance, this would take hours in the best of weather so I must press on. The gales seem to want me to stay, but I push through them with all my might and just endure it. A lesser man would not have embarked on such a dangerous quest, and nor would a braver man. I was a fool to think I could succeed! Now I have begun my journey, I cannot just end it. The town seems to be getting closer, but the darkness is also engulfing the landscape making it hard to see the obstacles in my path. Darkness has taken over the entire landscape, and I cannot see a thing. The ember of the distance has been extinguished just like my hopes of survival. I must have been walking for at least 2 hours since my last stop, but the winds have taken all the energy I have and then some. I must take a rest, but if I stop im certain to perish to either the unforgiving elements or the presence I sensed earlier. Although I have been evading it for a long time, it will catch up to me if I sleep or rest. My walking pace slows with every step, my water supply had been drained even faster than my food. Exhausted I collapse into the soft mud, there I lay thinking of what my fate will bring me. I brought this upon my self. What seemed like a few seconds had been almost an hour, I muster up the energy to get back onto my feet only to meet the mud face first again. The mixture of mud and water are now beginning to freeze around me as I law on my back, my chests is getting tighter and its even hurts me to breath normally. I hold my breath to try stop the pain, but my efforts are in vain. I slowly climb to my feet, avoiding slipping on the unfrozen mud. I press on, battling the elements. My chest now feels like a bull is repeatedly hitting me, I keep losing and gaining consciousness whilst walking. My body needs sleep, the town is now only a few minutes away, but at this speed I could be at it another thirty or more. I don’t even know if I’m welcome in this town any more, it’s been years since I last visited. All my friends must have moved on by now, not to mention the few enemies I made whilst I lived here. I approach the town, but I hear nothing. Silence is all that is left in this desolate ghost town. I can see the charred remains of the gate. Its not as I remembered, the air is filled with silence. They must all be sleeping, an entire town of this size never moves on. I pass through the charred gate, the burning smell still lingering in the air. I pause and look around for a place to sleep, all the inns have been raised to the ground by fire. I wonder what could have done this. The only place left was a barn, I begin to squeeze into a hole made by the fire. Inside the barn the smell of droppings and waste is so bad I can even taste it, but its safe. I am so weak that this doesn’t bother me for more than a few seconds. I carefully collapse into what looks to be aclean section of old hay. It feels soft, and now I feel relaxed. I close my eyes, but I cant sleep. The presence is plaguing my mind, what was it? Why was it keeping its distance? And did it follow me here? I hope I will not circum to the same fate as the inn’s and gate. I start drifting of into a deep sleep. should i continue it? Tell me what you think. This is my girst ever attempt. Note: i voted not fussed.
jayseven Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I'm not even going to read it until you put it in the creative board, where it should be and where everyone should do more stuff besides rating avatars and signatures.
Kirkatronics Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 jayseven said: I'm not even going to read it until you put it in the creative board, where it should be and where everyone should do more stuff besides rating avatars and signatures. I didnt post it in there because its dead, as always. If someone moves it, thanks. But if its not moved it not really causing a problem here.
jayseven Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 warandchaos said: I didnt post it in there because its dead, as always.If someone moves it, thanks. But if its not moved it not really causing a problem here. Well clearly the reaction it's received here shows just how right you are. Creative board would be nowhere near as dead if threads like this were put in there in the first place, or if people like you gave back to the board and commented on what others have to offer.
Kirkatronics Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 jayseven said: Well clearly the reaction it's received here shows just how right you are. Creative board would be nowhere near as dead if threads like this were put in there in the first place, or if people like you gave back to the board and commented on what others have to offer. If it bothers you so much, report it. Its simple... I wanted it to be seen, so i posted it here...
Mr_Odwin Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 More suited to the creative board, regardless of its activity levels.
Paj! Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 To be honest... -I dislike the first person view immensly. That might just be my preference though. -It goes on too long too similarly about "battling the weather". -Some of your images are totally ineffective. Rain bursting just feels wrong, carefully collapse makes no sense. In the opening paragraph, "eventually flowing off my chin" gives a sense of stillness, as he is very aware of this, not at all like the tempest he's meant to be in. - Various grammatical errors etc. -Some bits I liked however, I like the bit about the wind wanting you to stay. The bit about droppings you can taste is effecitve, though cut out "waste" and "droppings" for something stronger.
Ninty 182 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I liked it, there was just too much use of 'I'. I know it's in first person but still, try and vary it a bit. -regardless of what people say I'd recommend you to carry on. I once wrote the beggining of a story (a couple of years ago), read through it, thought it was crap and binned it. Now I really wish I still had it to look over and, since I'm now older and wiser, reckon I could've made it a lot better. So yeah never bin it
Kirkatronics Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Ninty 182 said: I liked it, there was just too much use of 'I'. I know it's in first person but still, try and vary it a bit. -regardless of what people say I'd recommend you to carry on. I once wrote the beggining of a story (a couple of years ago), read through it, thought it was crap and binned it. Now I really wish I still had it to look over and, since I'm now older and wiser, reckon I could've made it a lot better. So yeah never bin it I ming t continue it when im bored again. jayseven said: So is my opinion worth anything yet, warandchaos?I didnt say it wasnt worth anything, i said it wasnt doing any harm where it was.
Recommended Posts