Settle down, kiddies. It's storytime...

[MoogleViper]

Quite good. One thing I will say is that when you are describing something/one you don't always have to describe them literally. I would give you an example but my mind's gone blank. Sorry i'm not being too helpful.

[Roostophe]

Finally done Chapter 5, and about bloody time! Still needs work, though, tbh. Because the ending isn't as good as the beginning, and I don't know how many times I've used the word 'but' now, I need to think of other words that you can use instead of 'but'.

 

 

Just count the amount of times I've used 'but'.

[jayseven]

"But no matter how many times she said it, no matter how many times she pictured saying it to her sister, or trying to imagine that she was standing right in front of her. Saying that one sentence did not feel right unless she said it to the real thing, and not a mere picture of them."

 

Take out the but and replace the full stop after "her" with a comma, and that's one down

 

To be honest, there's never really the need to use it at the beginning of your sentances or paragraphs. The following sentance has enough information in it to make it defunct.

 

You seem to be using in in the sense of something suddenly happening. Feel free to take your time and express that notion in more than one word if you wish.

 

But then, she sensed that something hostile was approaching behind her.

Just take out the but :P

 

Without looking away from the bog, she slowly raised her hand, and grabbed Sword's hilt, which stood above her shoulder. Slowly, she turned around, and expected to see the enemy standing there.

But, nobody was behind her.

Saying "and expected to see the enemy standing there" actually tells us that she won't find anyone there. Maybe say "ready for the enemy" to maintain the suspense, then instead of "but nobody was behind her", use your words to show her surprise - like;

 

"Gone. What was that? She jerked her head one direction to another, scanning for what she was certain was there."

 

 

n'stuff.

[Roostophe]

^ jayseven: Every time you post in this thread, you always give me some brilliant advice. I'm glad I decided to post the chapters on here. Thanks so much.

[MoogleViper]

Nice chapter. Jay's advice is really good. One thing you could do is put a little more description in the fight scene. First she is sinking, then she is fighting, then she is half sunk.

 

Maybe you could put something like:

 

"Her unsubmerged torso fighting furiously." Or something like that just to explain the situation better.

[Roostophe]

Nice chapter. Jay's advice is really good. One thing you could do is put a little more description in the fight scene. First she is sinking, then she is fighting, then she is half sunk.

 

Maybe you could put something like:

 

"Her unsubmerged torso fighting furiously." Or something like that just to explain the situation better.

 

I get what you're saying, the first part of the chapter just sort of poured out as I typed it. I love the opening part of the chapter. But I couldn't do the same with the second part, and at the end I just said: "Dah, I'll just type down what happens at that point, fuck all description." And that's happened in the last three chapters.

 

Hopefully that shouldn't happen in Chapter 6, as a lot happens in this one...

[jayseven]

Typing without really knowing where it's going isn't always a bad thing. My lecturers have been keen to point out that you should let your characters write the novel, and not try to control them too much.

 

So from that, I think that if you get stuck with anything, or feel you are steering things towards a very generic story at all, maybe work on character profiles - work on their psysiology, their socio-economic background (even in a fantasy, that would need to be looked at) and their psychological aspects. If you think you would know the answer your character would give for any question, then your character is complete

 

.. But having said that! It seems like you know what your characters are like, and that you know where the plot is going. You agree that descriptions are a finicky problem, but I think that the more you write in your first draft, the better your second draft will be. Never be afraid of cutting entire chunks out, or completely altering parts. But you will not know which parts to do, nor will anyone else really, until the whole thing is done!!

 

But hey, if you ever think you've gotten a publishing deal, give me a bell and I'll be your editor

 

Look forward to the next chapter! And I look forward to getting your comments on my piece which will be on this forum come january, roughly 4500 words :P

[MoogleViper]

So basically just think: What would he/she do?

[Roostophe]

Typing without really knowing where it's going isn't always a bad thing. My lecturers have been keen to point out that you should let your characters write the novel, and not try to control them too much.

 

So from that, I think that if you get stuck with anything, or feel you are steering things towards a very generic story at all, maybe work on character profiles - work on their psysiology, their socio-economic background (even in a fantasy, that would need to be looked at) and their psychological aspects. If you think you would know the answer your character would give for any question, then your character is complete

 

.. But having said that! It seems like you know what your characters are like, and that you know where the plot is going. You agree that descriptions are a finicky problem, but I think that the more you write in your first draft, the better your second draft will be. Never be afraid of cutting entire chunks out, or completely altering parts. But you will not know which parts to do, nor will anyone else really, until the whole thing is done!!

 

But hey, if you ever think you've gotten a publishing deal, give me a bell and I'll be your editor

 

Look forward to the next chapter! And I look forward to getting your comments on my piece which will be on this forum come january, roughly 4500 words :P

 

So basically just think: What would he/she do?

 

I understand fully, although I had to look up what socioeconomics was...

 

Like I said, I have written the plot, and I've written down profiles about each main character, and what happens to them in the story. And also a layout of what I plan to have occur in each chapter.

 

Recently, I've come up with an idea for another book. And I've put this book on hold for a few days, while I write down the ideas for the other story. Then, I'll continue with this one.

[MoogleViper]

I understand fully, although I had to look up what socioeconomics was...

 

Like I said, I have written the plot, and I've written down profiles about each main character, and what happens to them in the story. And also a layout of what I plan to have occur in each chapter.

 

Recently, I've come up with an idea for another book. And I've put this book on hold for a few days, while I write down the ideas for the other story. Then, I'll continue with this one.

 

Make sure to put it on here. I'm currently writing, (whenever I get the time to,) the third chapter of my story. It's nothing special and the chapters are quite short but it's a bit of fun.

[Roostophe]

I'm having problems posting the new chapter. It's the longest one so far, and if I put it all into one spoiler box, the whole message vanishes. So I'm having to post it bit by bit.

 

Anyway, this chapter is set ten year's prior to the main storyline. It tells you what happened to the protagonist's family.

 

 

So that is the first part posted, I'll get the other two parts posted later...

[Roostophe]

Test: Automerged post? No.

 

Chapter 6 Continued:

 

 

 

Maybe the third part in 2 days time...

 

...That is, if you lot still give a rat's arse.

[MoogleViper]

I do still give a rat's arse, but not at the moment. I will read it at some time though. Keep on writing.

[Roostophe]

I do still give a rat's arse, but not at the moment. I will read it at some time though. Keep on writing.

 

Of course I'll keep writing this book, I actually want to get this published one day.

[jayseven]

I'll admit I've only read the first halves of teh first two parts of your chapter 6 so far... But again I want to stress the importance of showing not telling Saying she felt a "surge of emotion" could be improved by showing just how this happens. Imagine seeing it acted out on stage, tv or film. How would the audience be able to see this surge? Does she squeeze her eyes tight for a couple of blinks? Hug harder? A flickering smile?

 

'Showing and not telling' is, in my experience, easiest to do with the emotion the character is feeling.

 

Imagine you are sitting at dinner and you are angry with your parents about something. you could write "Jim was angry with his dad" or you could write "Jim's jaw was clenched as his knife cut up his food into smaller and smaller portions, eyes burning a hole into a spot on the wall dead ahead. His parents were saying something in an annoyed tone but Jim wasn't listening."

 

.. It may take a few more words, or in many cases less, but it feels more rounded and makes the imagination picture the scene more as an actual moment in time, rather than a fleeting thing that bears no importance.

 

"The atmosphere in the house felt cold and sad" - good, but again hard to really imagine. Show it! The pictures on the mantlepiece tinted with bygone happiness? All you can hear is the crackling of the fire? To set the scene, work with the senses. What can she smell in the house? What can she hear? What can she see? if you want to write an epic story as this sounds like it's going to be, then be not afraid of lengthy ramblings! Much better to write too much than too little.

 

I have not once questioned your story. Only you can be critical enough to look over it all and decide if you've wasted any set pieces or not, and it's not really easy or advisable to do it this early on.

 

That's the general advice. Show, don't tell. Use physical descriptions to give hints and clues as to what the character is feeling; use the senses to portray the scenery.

 

I think your dialogue is quite strong. I find it really hard to write in different tones for different characters, and harder still to try and be aware of using different levels and amounts of vocabulary for them, too. I always try to imagine I am that person... But unless I've already pictured one of my friends or family, or someone i've met as that character it's hard to imagine what they'd say in a given position.

 

how long do you take to write each section?

[Roostophe]

I'll admit I've only read the first halves of teh first two parts of your chapter 6 so far... But again I want to stress the importance of showing not telling Saying she felt a "surge of emotion" could be improved by showing just how this happens. Imagine seeing it acted out on stage, tv or film. How would the audience be able to see this surge? Does she squeeze her eyes tight for a couple of blinks? Hug harder? A flickering smile?

 

'Showing and not telling' is, in my experience, easiest to do with the emotion the character is feeling.

 

Imagine you are sitting at dinner and you are angry with your parents about something. you could write "Jim was angry with his dad" or you could write "Jim's jaw was clenched as his knife cut up his food into smaller and smaller portions, eyes burning a hole into a spot on the wall dead ahead. His parents were saying something in an annoyed tone but Jim wasn't listening."

 

.. It may take a few more words, or in many cases less, but it feels more rounded and makes the imagination picture the scene more as an actual moment in time, rather than a fleeting thing that bears no importance.

 

"The atmosphere in the house felt cold and sad" - good, but again hard to really imagine. Show it! The pictures on the mantlepiece tinted with bygone happiness? All you can hear is the crackling of the fire? To set the scene, work with the senses. What can she smell in the house? What can she hear? What can she see? if you want to write an epic story as this sounds like it's going to be, then be not afraid of lengthy ramblings! Much better to write too much than too little.

 

I have not once questioned your story. Only you can be critical enough to look over it all and decide if you've wasted any set pieces or not, and it's not really easy or advisable to do it this early on.

 

That's the general advice. Show, don't tell. Use physical descriptions to give hints and clues as to what the character is feeling; use the senses to portray the scenery.

 

This is definitely something I'll keep in mind when I redo the story, after it has been written. Although the added text would involve Chapter 6 being split into two chapters...Meh, if it makes the story better.

 

I think your dialogue is quite strong. I find it really hard to write in different tones for different characters, and harder still to try and be aware of using different levels and amounts of vocabulary for them, too. I always try to imagine I am that person... But unless I've already pictured one of my friends or family, or someone i've met as that character it's hard to imagine what they'd say in a given position.

 

how long do you take to write each section?

 

I think dialogue is my biggest strength when it comes to story-telling. I've always found it easy to have people say the same things differently, to suit their personality.

 

To answer your question: It depends. Whether I know what to put what happens next, or if I struggle, and not be able to think of anything decent to put next. The time it takes always changes. For the first two chapters, I knew exactly what to type, no worries. But for 3, 4 and 5; I knew what event would take place, but they weren't as long or descriptive as 1 and 2, because I didn't know what else to put into the chapters. Chapter 6 involves a lot, so much so, it might be better as two separate chapters.

 

Thanks so much, jayseven. The amount of help you've given can't be gratified enough.

[jayseven]

This is definitely something I'll keep in mind when I redo the story, after it has been written. Although the added text would involve Chapter 6 being split into two chapters...Meh, if it makes the story better.

A typical chapter is generally around 1500 - 2000 words. Of course there is absolutely no authorative rule about doing all of this, but don't be afraid to put chapters together or piss about with it all

 

 

Thanks so much, jayseven. The amount of help you've given can't be gratified enough.

 

You've done all the hard work - I am counting on you to do the same for my story when I put it up (within the next two months :P)

[Roostophe]

Zip a dee doo dah, Chapter Seven now up for ya! sorry

[jayseven]

Black. The first thing Laura saw when she woke. The back of her eyelids, where light could not get through to the eyes when it was not wanted. Her whole body felt numb. It was a very strange feeling of numbness, as though she did not even have a body, she could not feel anything. But as she lay in a dormant state, the feeling began to return to her body. As if her body was being reconnected finger by finger, toe by toe, limb by limb...

She could now feel her body there.

I hate to say it, but I literally cringed at this. It's too clichéd, too repetitive! Almost put me off reading the rest :P

 

It feels like you were tagging the same thing but in different words onto the end of the phrases in order to lengthen it.

 

"She could now feel her body there" is unnecessary. You can just jump from "limb by limb" to her next action and the reader will fill in the blanks.

 

The princess' back-story is told well - your dialogue always works competently, but it was a bit of a shock that she wanted to get back to the throne.

 

I don't really think there's any need to add to it, it's just you have a lot of unnecessary stuff in there that you can scrap and still have the same atmosphere and the same story

 

You can be more subtle with her vision, perhaps make the reader wonder what's going on for a bit longer.

 

Strangely for much of the way through, I had a sense that despite the princess leaving laura's stuff, she was not to be trusted... Also from your descriptions it's hard to know exactly what to imagine when trying to picture the room she is in. Each object you describe will help give the reader a sense of the rest of the room. If you describe an elaborately designed lamp or a wardrobe with doors hanging off the hinges, it instantly starts adding boundaries and limitations to what the reader ought to be thinking of.

 

What does the room smell like? Sound like?

 

Alright, that's enough mean-ness from me...

[Roostophe]

It's not "mean-ness", it can't really be nasty if it's honest and correct.

 

Along with description, to me, starting a chapter can be a right pain.

Sometimes, I would be sitting at a blank screen, just wondering how am I going to open the chapter. It would seldom happen that I knew exactly how to start it. (Like for Chapter One & Chapter Four)

 

Yeah, I see what you mean about "tagging the same thing but in different words". I thought it sounded okay-ish while writing, but now I'm looking back, and I'm thinking "What the fuck?".

 

...but it was a bit of a shock that she wanted to get back to the throne.

 

I'm guessing you mean a bad shock, because of the 'but'?

 

I understand most of what else you said, apart from:

 

Strangely for much of the way through, I had a sense that despite the princess leaving laura's stuff, she was not to be trusted...

 

I think I get what you're saying with that. I had it to be that the Princess would leave Sword, and what she thought to be Laura's valuables, with her. Which is why the choker is still around her neck when she wakes up. But I forgot to add that her belt was also there.

I should have added that her clothes weren't there because the Princess took them to try and clean. I mentioned they were gone, but I don't think I said anything about them being cleaned.

[jayseven]

ah well i have a very suspicious mind :P

 

Starting stuff is always difficult. Sometimes it's good just to write a chapter title in your head, or just write down the mid-point of the chapter, or ayn point that you know you want to cover, then go back to the start and edit it.

 

it wasn't a bad 'but' at all Sounds like it'll be time for recruiting similar minded people soon? That'll be ace.

 

I've got 1,500 words of the beginning of a story that i might put up -- maybe in two sections. There's no dialogue at all yet though Reckon you'll be up for a revenge-crit? :P

[Roostophe]

I've got 1,500 words of the beginning of a story that i might put up -- maybe in two sections. There's no dialogue at all yet though Reckon you'll be up for a revenge-crit? :P

 

Maybe. If I can find any weaknesses, I'll be there, pointing them out like a Penguin in a box full of white chocolate KitKat's.

[jayseven]

Alright, well have a gander

[Roostophe]

Do do dooo, do do dooo...

 

Sorry, forgot what I came in for...Oh, yes. Chapter Eight is done.

 

Some changes for you to know:

The continent's name is spelt with an extra 'y'.

Edward from Chapter 4 makes a reappearance, but he has a different description to before.

 

 

 

Thanks to Mokong for the Gaelic sentence (in italics.).

[jayseven]

To forget any one of her family was one thing Laura feared, and it had happened.

Yah, you just told us :P We saw!

 

"Shall we go in?...Yes, I think we should."

Erall had asked another question, but Elina had already reached the door when the words had barely left his mouth. So he answered the question himself.

 

You should but the non-bolded narration in between "shall we go in?" and "yes i think we should" and remove the bolded, and describe the way he says it to highlight the humour.

 

Sorry i've not seen this before, and sorry I don't have much time right now to evaluate it so i'll just give you these two points for now, but I will get back to it when i can.

 

In the future could you put a line break between each paragraph? it get's pretty tricky to read it when it seems non-stop like this!