My Short Story

[Calza]

This is a story i had to do for english. I know where i have done alot of mistakes just i don't know what to do. I know it may look like alot but it would be nice for some comments.

 

Looking at the mirror, he admired himself but not just for a few second. No, he kept on looking and looking, staring at himself. Everyday he spent hours watching dazzled by his own beauty but today was slightly different. Today he would be spoiling himself, a treat for his efforts. As who deserved more than him.

 

Leaving his apartment, he was followed only by the strong scent that he bathed in. He hadn’t always kept to himself but nowadays he didn’t have time for lesser beings. As he stood in the lift, he pondered to himself what he was going to buy. A new watch? A new car? What ever it was he knew it would be the best and if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t hurt to get something else.

 

Walking through the lobby, he noticed people, ordinary people but nether the less there was something about them. Were they talking about him? He pushed that thought away, of course not, they don’t even deserve to be looking at me, and they should be grateful for what they get.

 

Once inside his car he felt at peace, with the finest leather and brushed steel surrounding, nothing could disturb him here. Starting the engine, the purr comforted him and with that he drove for about five minutes. No matter how close it was, he would not arrive like other people.

 

The shops beckoned to him, getting out the car he walked with purpose, he didn’t just come to buy he came to show off. He proceeded to the desk, the desk clerk stood up straight away, he knew who this was. He could get the clerk fired if he really wanted to but he felt in a reasonable mood today. “What brings you here sir†the clerk was stuttering, sweat was pouring over his face. “What’s new?†The clerk didn’t know how to respond, “err we’ve got the Rolex Explor†“Got It†The clerk feeling the pressure quickly said “How about the Breitling Aeromarine†“What are you trying to pull here? What’s the best, most expensive watch you have?†The clerk now was really anxious and spurted out “Have you seen Henry Graves Jr.’s pocket watch?†He was mystified by this “Go on†The clerk now was more relaxed “It’s the worlds most expensive watch and its capable of twenty four complications†Intrigued, he ordered “well get it ready†and he got out his wallet and his card. “Sir, I don’t think you understand†“No, I understand perfectly, I want that watch and I’m going to have that watch†The clerk took the card, swiped it, the machine beeped. “Sir there was an error†“What†“It says you don’t have the required funds†“That’s not right try it again†The clerk repeated the procedure, again it beeped. “Sir do you have the eleven million needed to purchase this watch?†Shocked, “actually I’ve just changed my mind†he quickly turned and left.

 

Sitting in his car, he had made a fool of himself. How could this be, he had always got what he had wanted. He decided that he would just go home.

 

When he got back, he picked up his phone and dialled Happy Valley, the finest Chinese around. “Set meal for 8 please†He wasn’t particularly hungry but why not. The bell rang he grabbed the food and slammed the door. He laid it all out and began to feast. He started out slowly but soon enough he was grabbing everything and shovelling it in his mouth. After a while he began to feel nauseous.

 

He got up and laid down on his bed. Glancing at the window, he saw a rare sight. Oh such grace, such beauty. She was going to be his. Her red dress shimmering off of her. Her hair was like a waterfall, rushing down her body. Her body was so pure, untouched by the malice of the world. But then she looked up, and saw her watcher. He tried to move in time but it was too late, the curtains closed.

 

Lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Slowly he managed to escape her only to be haunted by her in his sleep.

 

As soon as he was awake, he was getting changed, rushing down the stairs and into the lobby. Gazing outside through the windows, he saw her again, but she was with somebody. Just there, they embraced, holding each tightly. He tried to look away but something held him there. As they started to caress, he started to tremble. He couldn’t believe it, how could she be in love with him.

 

Hatred was filling him, who was this person, this person who she would rather be with. After the couple had left each other, he decided to follow her lover. He stalked him all the way until he reached his apartment. To not draw attention he waited for a while before pursuing him through the lobby. He saw him press for level 16. He quickly turned round and up the stairs. As soon as he had climbed enough to be out of sight from the lobby he sprinted up, not slowing. As he approached the door, he heard the elevator ping, he stopped outside the door but positioned himself so he could see through the window. The lover walked down the corridor and stopped at seven. He opened it and walked in. Now was his chance opening the door and rushing down the corridor. He stopped. This was it. Silently turning the handle and pushed it forward. He crept inside, knowing what he had to do. The lover was sitting down watching tv, it was now or never. Keeping as quite as possible he crept behind the sofa. And then he lunged. Grapping the lovers neck and tightened his grip. The lover tried to scream but his throat was constricted so much, he couldn’t even manage a whisper. Then that was it, he was dead.

 

Know thinks would be just like they should be just him and her. Suddenly he realised what he had done. Could he done it a different way, could it be done differently. He kept on asking himself again and again.

 

For days he stayed there, in the apartment doing nothing. Until he thought how could I end this?

 

Smashing the window, he stepped out and jumped.

[Sonic238]

cool story.

if i could give you one advise: describe the main character a little bit better.

but hell, it's cool

[Konfucius]

Really interesting story, especially the ending is great but the character needs indeed a bit more personality, maybe tell how he got rich and such.

[Calza]

Thanks for the comments

I got it back and she said that there is quite a things that i need to improve, she didn't like the ending because she said he wasn't getting justice instead he just killed himself. She wanted me to make the girl a transvite (i'm only 14) but i have no idea how i could write that done.

I don't think i could devlope what happening before because i'm already 200 words over the limit.

[jakeee]

I would like to comment on a few things even though it's too late.

I don't think the person could have stayed in the apartment without anyone especially the girl getting worried or something like that. "Suddenly he realised what he had done." That is a cliché. You should have described his feelings and the situation a bit more detailed.