Konfucius Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I got some inspiration from a console wars flashmovie and had some ideas for jokes myself, so I decided to write it down. In the end it got four pages long. Hope you like it and please forgive me any spelling and grammar mistakes. Any resemblence to current consoles, companies and names is pure coincidence. Also all characters are not based on any real ones and that the whole story seems like Star Wars Ep4 is pure coincident too. In other word: Please don’t sue me Not so long ago in a remote galaxy. Console Wars It was a time of great turmoil. The Revolution developed a secret new control mechanism that could give them control over the whole console market. Meanwhile the evil Sony wanna-be Monopoly developed a deadly new laser titled blue ray with the power to destroy anything without a Sony brand… “How long ‘till we reach them?!†yelled Darth Ken. “It’s only a matter of seconds, they’re travelling with a slow 60 frames per second, we’re twice as fast.†The PSP was slowly closing in on the Gameboy Micro and opened fire. Multiple UMDs and W-LAN rays hit the faceplate until it was peepled off like an exchangeable layer. The PSP opened the UMD slot and slowly swallowed the tiny Gameboy. Meanwhile on the Gameboy Toads were already arming themselves with mushrooms and trying to secure every door and entrance, the Princess had to be protected at all costs. The evil forces broke through the door with ease and laughed at the Toads attempt to kill them with mushrooms, when actually they did kill a few. Then the Spartan II troopers opened fire and quickly overtook the ship. Moments later Darth Ken entered and asked: “Where’s the Princess?†“We locked her in a closet, she had such an annoying voice and…†– “Enough†responded Darth Ken “hand over the Princess.†He handed the Princess over pulling her hand and Ken said in perfect English: “My dear Princess Peach, I know that you have crucial data to turn the market back into the age of innovation. I can’t and don’t want to let this happen, give me the plans.†Peach calmly responded in her high pitched voice: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m on my way to an important Press conference. You’ll be in big trouble if I don’t show up.†– “You got it completely wrong again, the Press is under our control but if you don’t want to tell me I’ll have to use force.†Suddenly Ken was interrupted by a call from one of the Barbies on board: “Sir, we picked up a cartridge heading for Europe, but there are no polygons in it.†– “It should distract us, we aren’t considering it as competition.†The cartridge landed on the underdeveloped Moon Europe which got releases always way too late. Out of the cartridge came one single robot, ROB. He checked the surrounding, he was lost and there was no NES to connect to. Still he started moving, sure he must reach a city some time. He didn’t get 10 meters before being picked up by a giant shopping cart operated by e-bayers. “Uncle Yamauchi“ shouted Satoru „the e-bayers are coming.“ Both went outside to see what they have got, while Satoru was interested in the latest 8cm disc drive Yamauchi recognised ROB as one of his creations and forced them to hand it over but they started a fierce bidding. Yamauchi however had a clever trick, he waited until one second before the auction ended and so got ROB for a pretty good price of 16800Â¥. As soon as they went inside, ROB started to play a message: “President Yamauchi you’re my only hope, Sony is trying to steal the plans for our secret new controller. We are attacked by Darth Ken, I managed to store the plans inside this ROB robot, you have to… End of Message.†Satoru asked: “Who is this President Yamauchi, is that you?†– “Yes, I used to be President in the old days, before Sony. Together with Sony I fought in the chav wars, but Sony betrayed me. He pretended to help us develop a new console but in the end he only wanted knowledge on how to intrude the console market and now he has complete control†Satoru responded: “Uncle, they need our help, we have to do something.†- “You are right, but before that, I want to give something to you, the Power Glove. The Power Glove is an ancient weapon of the geeks, of more civilized times, when gaming wasn’t considered to be cool and you didn’t have to hold a controller. Luigi wanted you to have his Power Glove before he turned into Waluigi.†It’s was clear that they somehow had to get to the Mushroom Kingdom to return the plans but at first they needed a ship and the only place to find a pilot was on the next WiFi Access Point, where all the scum from the universe met, bounty hunters, chavs, software pirates, chine.. erm hardware pirates, fake bloggers and pilots. The two heroes walked into the first dubious bar and said they needed a pilot. Everyone stood up, apparently everyone was a pilot, and started to shoot for no reason, apparently fps-guys. Yamauchi dodged the bullets with ease and reflected the lasers with his Power Glove; most were killed in no time but one was particularly hard, that must have been fpsdoug, when Doug got finally pissed off and left the bar, Satoru asked, how Yamauchi could be so fast and he told him: “It’s the power of the triforce, in everyone of us is a triforce, the Force of Creativity, the Force of Power and the Force of Handling. If you live in an understanding with all of them you become very powerful, however, there is also a dark path, the same effect can happen when one of the forces outgrows the other two combined, then you don’t live in balance but in greed and anger.†At that moment a strange guy walked into the bar: “It’s a me, Mario and whatta did happen here?†Yamauchi turned around, it was really his old friend Mario who helped to establish Nintendo. After a long and boring talk Yamauchi found out that Mario was now a star ship captain and will take them to the Mushroom Kingdom. They headed to the launch pad immediately, the ship was a piece of junk, but you could already guess that, it was some no-name n64 3rd party controller, but it had frames per second drive and that was good enough. “And mey me introduze you to me co-pilot†said Mario, showing off a huge furry thing that gave strange sound “Donkey Kongâ€. “And may I introduce myself, Bowser, King of Koopasâ€, said Bowser stepping out of the shadow: “You still owe me 120 Stars and countless koopa shells, Mario, but I think your head will also suffice.†Mario’s English wasn’t good enough to respond so he just shouted “stronzo†(look it up in an Italian dictionary) and he, Donkey Kong, ROB and the two Japanese Guys took off with the ship multiple times until the engines finally kicked in. Meanwhile on the PS3. Ken threatened Princess Peach that he will destroy the Mushroom Kingdom if she doesn’t tell him where the Revolution is hiding. She finally gave in and told him that the Revolution is on Venom. “I knew you would cooperate, my highness but I want to test my new blue ray anyways so say goodbye to your Mushroom Kingdom.†responded Darth Ken. The PS3 slowly opened its disc drive and the blue ray started to fire, the planet turned blue and everyone died due to radiation, after two hours without explosions Darth Ken got annoyed and destroyed the rock with nova bombs. Some time later the n64 controller dropped out of frame drive and got severely shaken by mushroom fragments. Mario was mad at Donkey Kong because he suspected him of having put wrong coordinated into the computer when actually Mario was doing it himself but Yamauchi found out that they were at the right coordinates but the Mushroom Kingdom was gone. In the distance they saw something that looked like a grill and headed for it but when they came closer Satoru realized: “That’s no grill, that’s a PlayStation.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Konfucius Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 They immediately tried to reverse course but they were trapped by a hype attractor ray which sucked them inside the docking bay at high speed. But they had a backup plan, they released multiple escape buttons to make it look as if they were abandoning the ship when in reality, they just hid under a layer of badly manufactured plastic. The troopers stormed the ship but couldn’t find any trace of the Nintendo characters. When the last two were about to leave the ship they slipped on banana, cleverly placed by Donkey Kong and were knocked out. Satoru fitted the suit perfectly while Yamauchi refused to wear anything from western developers and decided to rely on his triforce. Mario was too short to even fit into the trousers but he had a backup plan. He triple jumped into the cockpit, hit the “?†button and out of the microwave came a fresh and delicious mushroom. Mario ate it and grew and grew and grew until he was as big as the average Italian. That meant he still was too short but nothing some duct tape couldn’t fix. Before they went out, they checked the status by hacking the W-LAN network with ROB. They found out that the Princess was on board this Playstation and also that if they managed to destroy the hype machine, they could escape. Yamauchi was quick to suggest a plan: “I will destroy the hype machine while you pretend that Donkey Kong is a prisoner to get to the Prison Cores inside the Cell and rescue the Princess.†Meanwhile one of the Barbies reported to Ken: “Sir, there was no one aboard the ship. It seems they escaped. We also investigated Venom but there was no trace of the Revolution, only some pathetic giant robot head scientist who claimed to be the Great Andross and whipped out our entire fleet†– Darth Ken was deep in his thought, not hearing the latter part of the report: “That’s pretty interesting, I’m sensing some sort of balanced triforce, almost as if it was my old master and I’ll also play some cheap mind trick on the Princess to find out the real location.†Satoru and his fellows were already close to the Cell processor and so far nothing went wrong. Yamauchi found the hype machine and with a quick stroke of his Power Glove he disabled it. Now everything depended on whether they could save the Princess or not. Donkey Kong was the first one to enter the Cell cores and as soon as he spotted the Princess went berserk, rushed through the force field, grabbed her and climbed onto the highest construction site he could find. However, this alarmed the Spartan IIs and they stormed the whole Cell. Luckily Donkey Kong found an unlimited supply of barrels which he started to throw down on the Master Chiefs. Unlike Mario they weren’t able to jump over them and so got crushed. Once no more dared to enter Donkey Kong calmed down and they made their way back to the ship where Yamauchi was already waiting for them. When they were about to enter the ship, Darth Ken approached shouting: “Yamauchi, I felt it was you who was behind all this.†– “Darth Ken, your reign will be over soon.†“Hahaha,†responded Darth Ken “you are old and weak, when I joined you I was only but the learner, now I am the master.†Ken also had a Power Glove or at least something that came close to it, Sony must have copied it. “You get out of here, I’ll handle Darth Ken, don’t wait for me!†shouted Yamauchi. Donkey Kong was on the ship already with Peach and Mario, the only one who hesitated was Satoru. “If I don’t make it, you’ll be the new President, remember my words, you’ve gotten strong with the triforce, you can succeed.†Satoru understood it and also got on the ship. Darth Ken attacked with a quick stroke Yamauchi could barely dodge. He tried to counter the attack but Ken was too fast. Yamauchi said: “You can’t kill me Ken, if you do, I’ll go onto a level you’ll never understand.†– “You retire?†– “Exactly!†and that was the moment Yamauchi was hit by the Power Glove. Once they were a bit away from the Playstation, Peach finally started to realize what just happened and since both guys still had their suits on she asked the funny looking one: “Aren’t you a bit short for a Spartan II?†Mario took off his helmet: “It’s a me, Mario.†Peach hugged him whispering: “Oh Mario, you saved me again.†– “Yes me did, responded Mario.†“May I interrupt you, after all it was uncle Yamauchi and I, who had the plan to save you, so what about a little credit to us?†– “It’s a me, Mario. I always save the Princess, only me.†– “I’m going to give you a water gun next time.†A few hours later they landed on the secret base on Kyoto and handed the plans for the new controller over to the Revolution. At that very moment a technician shouted: “You idiots, they placed a memory card in your ship, now Sony know where we are, we already spotted the Playstation in orbit, we’re lucky the Cell overheated so we have some time before they are able to destroy us.†Luckily the new FHC (freehand controller) was already produced and only needed the software, saved in ROB’s memory, to be fully operational. The task was a matter of minutes and the Revolution was already planning a counter attack on the Playstation. In the briefing room Commander Reggie discussed the plan: “I took names and found multiple weak spots on the Playstation, the most convenient one being the Blue-Ray drive. If we manage to put a Gamecube disc into it, it will self destruct. We will be using the new FHCs to launch the discs. Let’s kick ass.†Satoru also got into a FHC and flew up into space. Multiple attack groups of boomerang controllers were already waiting for them and opened fire. The FHCs were incredibly responsive so they could dodge the enemy fire without much trouble. The first attack group was closing in on the edge of the disc drive and armed the GC discs, when the Virtual Boy targeting computer was locked on the target they fired their GC discs but they missed by a couple of meters. Darth Ken realized what the plan of the Revolution was and launched his wireless boomerang controller immediately. In the meantime the second attack group including Satoru prepared their attack. The boomerang controllers were now concentrating their fire on this group only. One of the fighters got damaged heavily and had to fall back but this only offered the other two more space to navigate. Satoru could already see the disc slot in the distance, when the other FHC burst into flames. Suddenly he sensed the presence of Darth Ken and before he could evade, he was dual shocked, his FHC’s rear shields collapsed but he was still determined to complete the mission. Just when Ken was about to fire again, he got hit by water which caused his fighter to malfunction. Over the comm Satoru heard Mario’s voice: “Let’se go!†and he responded: “Thanks Mario, I’ll take everything back about the water gun.†His Virtual Boy indicated that he was almost close enough to fire the GC disc. Suddenly he heard Yamauchi’s voice: “Satoru listen to the triforce, you know it, the Virtual Boy is crap, the triforce will guide you.†Satoru was a bit irritated but did what he heard, he just concentrated on the triforce and suddenly he felt the right timing and aim. He mumbled “You are Nintendpwned!†and fired the GC disc, it was looking good but the outcome will ultimately be decided by the year sales at the end of 2006. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic238 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 had some really good laughs in this story, keep it coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E3wannabe Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 wow that was really cool and funny someone should make a film of it lol (or at least a little video with sprites). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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