Random Stuff I've been writing

[Goron_3]

Hey guys, good ol' Goron here

 

I've been writing a lot these past few weeks, mainly because exams are over and I finally have time to jot things down and not feel guilty about not revising. I don't really know where I'm going with any of this, my friend is a great musician and maybe we'll add some bass, guitar (and probs some jazz related stuff in there too) on top of my vocals just to pass time over summer but for now I've just got everything down in my pads. Give us your thoughts please, much appreciated.

 

Call me Blu, my so(ul) is amazing (this is a reference to a song btw...)

my heart is true, it'll get yours racing

adore me for what I am, not this reflection

Don't be floored by deception, Admire my direction

I am a king in waiting trapped in this caccoon

Just evolving and creating, I'll get there soon,

Fuck what they feed you, you must learn and know

Knowledge is reward, with self acceptance you grow

Close your eyes and feel strong, for you will be great,

Let out a sigh and a song, success is your fate

Maybe there'll never be equality, life isn't always fair

that's just reality, I understand, I see you care

Where we go is a path, which is yet undefined,

Stumble across a special one, paths intertwine

Life never stands still, our experiences shall grow

Love and wealth, with friendships to show.

 

Thoughts please. Will upload more later i literally have pages of stuff. Thankfully having a boring job means I have loads of time to be creative

[jayseven]

That's quite a nice read lovely bits of alliteration and consonance, I'd just say that this bit;

 

"dore me for what I am, not this reflection

Don't be floored by deception, Admire my direction"

 

... the pacing is a little off. The reflection/deception/direction feels too forced. If you change 'floored' or 'admire' to rhyme with the other then you may get away with it, like "Set fire by deception, admire my direction" -- or change 'floored' to a word that has similar vowel sounds to 'deception'. I think that 'deception' is the wrong word to use, stress-wise, though.

 

The "fuck what they feed you" detracts from the general tone that the rest of the poem carries, too.

 

If you want it to be a song I'd say that you should try and work with song structures; verses, choruses, etc. Don't be afraid to mash up a whole mixture of your writings to see how it turns out. Be brave and cut what you know isn't good!

[Beast]

That's quite a nice read lovely bits of alliteration and consonance, I'd just say that this bit;

 

"dore me for what I am, not this reflection

Don't be floored by deception, Admire my direction"

 

... the pacing is a little off. The reflection/deception/direction feels too forced. If you change 'floored' or 'admire' to rhyme with the other then you may get away with it, like "Set fire by deception, admire my direction" -- or change 'floored' to a word that has similar vowel sounds to 'deception'. I think that 'deception' is the wrong word to use, stress-wise, though.

 

The "fuck what they feed you" detracts from the general tone that the rest of the poem carries, too.

 

If you want it to be a song I'd say that you should try and work with song structures; verses, choruses, etc. Don't be afraid to mash up a whole mixture of your writings to see how it turns out. Be brave and cut what you know isn't good!

 

This. When I read that, it could have easily been a rap and it sounded quite good, keep at it.

[Paj!]

I liked it. It's better than a lot of "amateur" poetry/songs I've read online.

 

The "fuck what they feed you" detracts from the general tone that the rest of the poem carries, too.

 

I semi-agree...It makes it seem like a definite rap lyric (or at least that's how I heard it in my head) , and I dislike swearing for swearings sake. However, a well-placed swear word can emphasise stuff, if used artfully.

 

I don't mind it, but it might work better/diferently with a different word.