Athriller Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Konnichiwa folks, another poem. I will greatly appreciate feedback/criticism, so tell me what you think. Hopefully you'll understand the point. Forever Came Tomorrow I was dreaming in the classes, Reading the lines of trite, Passing off fake glances, It's all well and fine, If your heart's in tune with the carol, But not when your life's down the barrel, And your heart's out of tune, - Your heart's always out of tune . Riding on the dreams of youth, Watching the world go by, Living a life uncouth, It's all well and fine, If your heart's in tune with the choir, But not when your hopes are dire, And your heart's out of tune. - Your heart's always out of tune And then forever came tomorrow, Tell me fate, why so soon? Oh, oh, oh, why so soon? And I'll sell you back your freedom, boy, If you can tell me where my dreams went, And I'll sell you back your rights, boy, If you can pay for another weeks rent, I'm leading the beggar’s life, boy, This wasn't meant to happen to me, No, no, no - I aspired, boy But I lost track of reality, And that's not game, boy, That’s not game at all. Dreams, traitors of Jeroboam, Writing words in seminars, To fully construct this poem, It's all well and fine, If your heart's in tune with the band, But not when your dreams bite the feeding hand, And your heart's out of tune. - Your heart's always out of tune Dreams of recognition and glory, Speaking words of grandeur, But all the effort bores me, It's all well and fine, If your heart's in tune with the symphony, But not when your only heir is sympathy, And your heart's out of tune. - Your heart's always out of tune And then forever came tomorrow, Tell me fate, why so soon? Oh, oh, oh, why so soon? And I'll sell you back your freedom, boy, If you can tell me where my dreams went, And I'll sell you back your rights, boy, If you can pay for another weeks rent, I'm leading the beggar’s life, boy, This wasn't meant to happen to me, No, no, no - I aspired, boy But I lost track of reality, And that's not fame, boy, That’s not fame at all. Beliefs that sorrow would pass, Living for the then and there, Giving into the pleasure and the farce, It's all well and fine, If your heart's in tune with the lullaby, But not when your dreams are set to fly by, And your heart's out of tune, - Your heart's always out of tune Tempted by the seductive lethargy, Roaming without consequence, Beaten by my dream’s treachery, It's all well and fine, If your heart's in tune with the hymn, But not when your faith is about to give in, And your heart's out of tune, - Your heart's always out of tune. And then forever came tomorrow, Tell me fate, why so soon? Oh, oh, oh, why so soon? And I'll sell you back your freedom, boy, If you can tell me where my dreams went, And I'll sell you back your rights, boy, If you can pay for another weeks rent, I'm leading the beggar’s life, boy, And now I’m just a wasted lifetime You see, I was meant to be famous, boy, And all I had to do was try, And that's a shame, boy, That’s the greatest shame of all.
MoogleViper Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 It sounds good to me but I'm not that much of a poem fan.
AshMat Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Im not a huge poem fan myself, so this could be good for all i know. Im not going to give a rating because i know nothing about poetry
mike-zim Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 i am going to be hated like simon cowel. it did not flow. the word you used seemed to be forced in because they rymed. it is not bad the meaning is a little difficult to get to and it is a bit long. those are the criticisms. there is a good use of a range of language, and you do perservier. My rating is a solid 6/10. good effort.
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