Posted December 1, 2007 Well I wrote the first two chapters about a year ago. And then I've just finished number 3. Tell me what you think. THUD! The castle gates slammed shut behind me. I wasn’t getting back in there. Not until I have the head of Anghenfil, the chief orc of the Kaslan tribe. King Rowan had been clear on my quest. “Sir Edward,†the King announced, “I have a quest for thee. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to bring me the head of Anghenfil, the chief orc of the Kaslan tribe. But beware, this is no ordinary quest. No, this orc is a demon amongst orcs. Legend has it that this orc is twice the size and thrice the power of an ordinary orc. With an army just short of one thousand, Anghenfil poses a serious threat to my kingdom. Thus it is your mission to slay this foul beast, and bring his head to me. Sir Edward, do you accept your quest?†Do you accept your quest? That was no question, King Rowan never asked questions, he only gave orders. My stomach churned as I uttered, “I accept your highness.†“Excellent,†the King exclaimed with a smile upon his face. The sullen faced guards stood either side of him never moved a muscle. “Now this is no easy task, far from it. This is why I have chosen you, my most worthy knight.†The King’s empty flattery just echoed through my head. There was only one thing on my mind, fear. “The Kaslan camp lies a good 27 miles north north west from here. However there will be orcs crawling around for miles surrounding the camp. Now here is a painting of what Anghenfil looks like.†The King handed me a crudely done painting. It was obvious that whoever painted this didn’t want to get too close to Anghenfil, nor did he want to stay near him for too long. Understandably so, it appeared, from the painting I could see that Anghenfil was about 12 foot tall and was a similar distance wide. This was not going to be easy. “Good luck Sir Edward, and remember, the kingdom’s fate is in your hands.†I started walking through the dense forest, dreading what lay ahead of me. I kept walking, trying to ignore the rustlings of nearby animals. It was the middle of the night and the enormous trees cast eerie shadows across the forest floor. The lump in my throat expanded with each step. I swallowed hard and carried on. I’d walked for what felt about 15 miles. The forest was thinning out. My legs were tired and my arm numb from carrying the heavy shield. I could have carried the shield on my back, but something in my head told me that I should keep it ready. And it was right. Snap! I heard a twig snap to the left of me. I spun around in time to see a flurry of arrows heading straight towards me. With lightning reactions I dropped to the floor and crouched behind my shield. Some of them hit the floor around me, I heard some others bounce off of my shield. I was stuck. If I didn’t do something soon I’d be a dead man. I heard whispering to my right. I turned my head to see an arrow heading straight for me. But I was too slow. The arrow hit my exposed thigh. It ripped through my leg. The pain was unbearable. I fought through it to keep my balance. I felt another one hit my calf. It was agony. I dug my shield into the ground in order to stay upright. My body felt as if it was being ripped apart by itself. I lifted my head up to see an orc advancing towards me. He raised his bow, pulled back and fired. The arrow flew straight into my chest. I looked down and saw half an arrow sticking out of my breast. I felt that this was the end. The most horrible feeling for anyone is knowing that their time has come. I lifted my head and saw a white light. A friendly, enticing light. The light grew bigger, expanding across the night sky. I dropped the shield and lifted my arms. The pain was gone. No sadness flowed through my body. I felt myself floating higher and higher. I woke up with a start. Sweat poured from my body. I was panting hard. Outside the window car headlights rushed through the night. I looked round my room. Everything was there. The door, the television, the games console. I checked my leg, there was nothing out of the ordinary. I had just had a bad dream that was all. But it felt so real. The night air, the King’s voice, the orcs’ arrows. I had felt them all. I felt the pain. My head was spinning. I checked the clock, 5:03. I would be leaving for school in a few hours. There wasn’t much point in going back to sleep. Not that I could have if I tried. I tore myself from my bed and made my way downstairs. A million thoughts flowed through my mind, but none of them made any sense. I entered the kitchen and flicked the switch. A glass of water would help calm me down. I filled the glass and made my way to the living room. I turned on the TV and slumped into the settee. I flicked through the channels but there was nothing on. Why would there be? Nobody watches telly at this time. I switched it off and picked up my glass. The cool water felt like gold running through my body. And then I saw it. I dropped my glass onto the floor. It shattered into a thousand pieces as the water splashed over the floor. I quickly dived behind the settee. There was a figure outside the window. Who, or what, could it be? I crouched behind the settee hoping that it hadn’t seen me. Then I heard the door creak open. My heart pounded. Whatever it was it was coming to get me. “Are you ok?†The voice asked. It was my dad coming home from his nightshift. “I saw you goofing around from outside. And what are you doing up at this time?†“I – I couldn’t sleep,†I murmured. “Well make sure you don’t fall asleep in school,†My dad warned, “You’ll get no end of ridicule.†My dad’s light-hearted jokes always managed to make me smile. “I won’t.†I chuckled. “Well I’m going to bed now. Try not to make to much noise. If I don’t get my beauty sleep I’ll end up looking like you.†He joked. “No dad, you’ll never be that good looking.†I answered. “Well good night.†“Good night.†I stood there as I saw my dad disappear up the stairs. I hope his dreams aren’t as bad as mine. I checked the clock, 5:34. I may as well get ready for school. When I arrived at school I was greeted by the usual noise of the playground. The new year 7s stood nervously in the corner. A group of year 9s were playing football on the field. One had just scored a goal and was running round with his shirt over his head. I made my way towards the double doors. I passed a group of giggling girls. They were probably laughing at some poor sods hair. I was about seven metres from the doors. “Ah Edward.†said a familiar voice. I turned around half expecting to see a jewelled crown. “Did you have a good holiday?†asked Mr Andrews, my English teacher from last year. “Yes sir.†I mumbled. I was like a marmite kid when it came to the teachers. Some of them loved me. Some of them hated me. “Excellent.†He exclaimed. And with that he turned and walked off. I looked back and saw the spectacled face of the new kid. I remember back in July when he was given a tour of the school by the head teacher. He just stood in the middle of the gates whilst everyone else bustled past him. He looked as sheepish as the year sevens. I kinda felt sorry for him. I mean it was hard enough being the new kid without looking like Harry Potter. I decided to go and talk to him. “Hi,†I said with a friendly smile on my face. “Hello,†he murmured back. “I’m Edward.†I explained. “I’m Yoric.†The kid replied. Yoric? He sounded like someone from the middle ages. School wasn’t going to be easy for him. “Do you know what tutor group you’re in?†I asked. “11R1.†He answered. “Ah that’s what I’m in. Follow me, and I’ll show you.†I offered. “It’s ok. I know where it is.†The kid said more sternly than before. He walked across the playground clutching his bag and staring at the floor. What was his problem? I was trying to be his friend. I saw a group of lads looking at him and sniggering. I heard the bell ring and decided to make my way to the classroom. My head slowly swirled back to life. I could feel my body bobbing up and down like a cork in the sea. I felt a throbbing pain on the side of my head. I could hear voices murmuring in some foreign language. I slowly opened my eyes. I squinted through the blinding light. The colours slowly coming into focus, the memories coming back with them. Then I realised what had happened. I tried to get up, but the excruciating pain prevented me from doing so. That and the ropes binding me down. Malicious laughter echoed in my ears. An angry behemoth swelled up inside me. The helplessness of my situation just increased my frustration. I looked around. Four hideous orcs were carrying me on some sort of stretcher. Their twisted faces epitomised everything that I loathed. I looked around at the moving scenery. The gnarled trees were different to the ones back near the castle. I knew I had come quite a way. I also knew what lay ahead. As I was carried further towards my doom I desperately tried to think of a way to escape. But it was futile. I was stuck. I saw a crudely made, wooden fence in the distance. The outline of a shanty town became clearer. The torches of my fate burned fiercely. As we entered the camp dark green eyes turned my way. Hushed voices whispered in a foreign tongue. Excited cackles pierced my ears. I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth. I set out on this mission to kill a monster. But the hunter had become the hunted. I was carried into the largest hut and laid down on the floor. I plucked up all my courage and opened my eyes. The most foul creature lay before me. His green skin stretched over layers upon layers of fat and muscle. Wiry, black hairs were dotted over his body. Bits of food and dirt lay crusted across his bulk. His minions around him seemed too scared to be too near to him. I couldn’t blame them; the stench alone was enough to send anyone running. Why couldn’t the king have asked me to hunt something easy, like a troll or a dragon? The creature opened his mouth to speak, a putrid mixture of spit and food meandered its way through the deep cracks in the being’s skin. One of the orcs that had been carrying me conversed with the being. The growing excited tones gave me goose bumps. My insides churned. After a few minutes they stopped talking and turned to me. And evil grin had invaded all corners of the beast’s mouth. Rotten, blood stained fangs emanated his ferociousness. If possible, I became even more scared. He opened his mouth and spoke to me. I say spoke, it was more a series of deep grunts. “So human, my scouts have told me that they found you wandering about 10 miles towards enemy stronghold. They say you were headed towards here clad in weapons and armour. What was your objective?†I swallowed hard, my voice trembled with fear. â€I was just out hunting, sir. I hear there is great wildebeest around those parts.†“Silence human! You were not out hunting wildebeest; there is plenty of game round the castle. You were heading here weren’t you? Did your King send you? Were you after me? Do you think you could take me on human? Is that it?†“No sir, I could never defeat one as strong and powerful as yourself.†“Silence! Your flattery will get you nowhere. For too long has your race tried my patience. Your head shall be sent to the old man, as a message to not trifle with Anghenfil the Mighty.†And with that the beast jumped to his feet with surprising grace, took up his sword and swung it at my neck. Criticisms welcomed. Please tell me what you think. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 1, 2007 Intriguing! So this typical school kid is some sort of warrior at night times? New kid, too? Nice. Alright. Although it was in different chapters, you used "swallowed hard " twice. The way you described the kid at school I could really visualise - kind of imagine him scanning the playground with his eyes. Your main character had to pluck up all his courage to open his eyes, but surely he wouldn't be sent off to kill the Big Bad if he's a wuss? Also, the beginning of the first chapter made me think it was going to be a comedy... "your mission, should you choose to accept it".. :| And I think you shouldn't have the king personally hand him the portrait. your hero sounds as if he doesn't really like the king, so make him arrogant - clicks his fingers and a guard hands it over? I look forward to seeing more! I want to see if my theories are correct or not! Are they the same person? is the realistic kid awakening some sort of psychic, inter-dimensional link with the other guy? oooh.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 1, 2007 Intriguing! So this typical school kid is some sort of warrior at night times? New kid, too? Nice. Alright. Although it was in different chapters, you used "swallowed hard " twice. The way you described the kid at school I could really visualise - kind of imagine him scanning the playground with his eyes. Your main character had to pluck up all his courage to open his eyes, but surely he wouldn't be sent off to kill the Big Bad if he's a wuss? Also, the beginning of the first chapter made me think it was going to be a comedy... "your mission, should you choose to accept it".. :| And I think you shouldn't have the king personally hand him the portrait. your hero sounds as if he doesn't really like the king, so make him arrogant - clicks his fingers and a guard hands it over? I look forward to seeing more! I want to see if my theories are correct or not! Are they the same person? is the realistic kid awakening some sort of psychic, inter-dimensional link with the other guy? oooh.. I didn't notice that. It's strange as I wrote the first chapter about a year ago and wrote the third today. Thanks for the advice. I think I'll change the bit about the portrait and maybe go over the first chapter and add a bit more. As for the "wussy warrior" thing. I know what you mean but I'm trying to make the character a fusion of the fantasy world warrior and the real world schoolkid. Further down the story it will be explained a bit better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 1, 2007 ok, that's cool I also liked in the second chapter how the character looked at the door, tv and games console. Made me think he must've been dreaming of a game. Ever read Only You Can Save Mankind? or even Snow Crash? books involving an immersion into a game world are always interesting, so good stuff. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 1, 2007 No I've never read any of those books. Who are they by? Are they any good? I really like the teenage adventure books so I'm trying to write my story in that sort of style. Is that how it felt? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 1, 2007 yeah it does feel like that. Only You Can Save Mankind is part of the 'Johnny' trilogy by Terry Pratchett, and Snow Crash is by Neil Stephenson, i think. OYCSM is about Johnny getting sucked into the game world be cause he's so good at it. Haven't read it in years but it;s the same sort of teenage-adventure type thing. Snow Crash is about how the virtual world's really taken off, with 'avatars' existing in a massive environment - plot revolves around an in-game virus crossing into the real world. Both good reads Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 2, 2007 Ok here's the first part of chapter 4. I'll try and finish it tomorrow. “ANGHENFIL!†“No Edward, the square of the hypotenuse is 36, not Anghenfil.†The slow realisation of what I had just done crept over me. I hadn’t even made it past the first lesson. This wasn’t going to be the best of days. And I had hoped for a trouble-free year. Oh the hopes of the ignorant. I looked around the classroom. All eyes were on me. Laughter echoed from the walls. I could feel the redness sweeping over my face. The room was getting hotter. Whispered insults weren’t even whispers. I sunk into my chair. Everybody was pointing and laughing. Well not quite everybody. There was one person who wasn’t laughing. I looked over at Yoric. He wasn’t even smiling. In fact he looked terrified. What was his problem? From the look on his face you’d think I had swore or something. I mean what kid doesn’t delight at others embarrassment? What kind of background does he have? Slowly the laughter began to die down. The hilarity of it began to fade away. Well at least until lunch time. “Alright class settle down. I’m sure we’ve all had enough laughs at Mr Bailey’s expense. And I’m sure we’ll get plenty more opportunities.†A cheap laugh followed. Boy did I hate Mr Machin. I don’t mean to reinforce the stereotype of maths teachers but he sure did fit the bill. He was slimy and foul and would relish at any opportunity to humiliate a student. Many a time had I been the butt of his jokes. He may as well have tied me to a stake and handed the class some rotten tomatoes. “Let’s get back to trigonometry. And maybe this time Edward can do us all the good grace of staying awake.†His cocky smirk just made me hate him more. I picked up my pen and bent my head over my work. I just wanted to get this day over with. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 2, 2007 “ANGHENFIL!â€â€œNo Edward, the square of the hypotenuse is 36, not Anghenfil.†Good, funny :P But the square root of 36 is... well not a whole number :P What age is this kid? The slow realisation of what I had just done crept over me. I hadn’t even made it past the first lesson. This wasn’t going to be the best of days. And I had hoped for a trouble-free year. Oh the hopes of the ignorant. The suggestion that it's happened before... just started over summer or for years? Mystery still, of course the look on his face you’d think I had swore or something. Sworn :P Slowly the laughter began to die down. The hilarity of it began to fade away. Well at least until lunch time. It took me a few lines to realise that time had not skipped forward to lunchtime. Maybe use some present-future tense like "well at least it will until lunch time" just to clarify? The only thing for me so far is the other characters are still just parts of the background. Clearly this guy has no friends at school? I did get a fairly decent sense of his dad, and look forward to hearing more about him, and obviously Yoric is an interesting fellow, clearly crucial, but everyone else appears to be just filling the space. There is a sense that the school world will dissapear in the story somewhere later on, but I think it's crucial that you make sure it will be missed on some level if you do. I guess the dad is the way to tie it down, but that might not be enough? So yah, bloody well write more sonny. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 2, 2007 The only thing for me so far is the other characters are still just parts of the background. Clearly this guy has no friends at school? I did get a fairly decent sense of his dad, and look forward to hearing more about him, and obviously Yoric is an interesting fellow, clearly crucial, but everyone else appears to be just filling the space. There is a sense that the school world will dissapear in the story somewhere later on, but I think it's crucial that you make sure it will be missed on some level if you do. I guess the dad is the way to tie it down, but that might not be enough? I know I started thinking to myself, "Why has my character got no friends?" The next part of chapter 4 will be set at lunchtime. Yoric will be coming to talk to Edward so I'll have to put it in about him dragging Edward away from his friends or something. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 2, 2007 I like it. I have no critique...so...keep it up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 2, 2007 I wonder where you get your inspiration from. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
